Another child bit my baby in playgroup... Advice please!

[littletree]

I've finally gotten around to bringing my nearly one year old to a playgroup. It was all going swimmingly until the end when they brought out bikes and scooters for the little ones to push around/ride. My little guy was sitting on a horsey and a little boy who was 3 came along smiling and pinched my sons cheek rather hard. I took his hand away and said that wasn't nice and stroked my babys cheek and said 'gently'. The other boy then copied me and stroked my son. No harm done. About 15 minutes later he charged over to my son and I thought was nuzzling my son playfully. But then I noticed to my horror that his jaws were clamped on his shoulder in a bite. I was horrified and yanked my boy away. There was a general uproar and much sympathy from the other mums and the boy's mum finally came over and reprimanded him. I understand that this little boy is something of a bully and it was absolutely awful watching my baby get hurt like that. There is no violence in my home and I don't want him learning these things from other children. Help! Is this just a fact of life that I will have to accept? What should I do when this happens? Any advice and shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Slinky, I think all these phases are transient. I'm sure loads of kids who bite or hit grow out of it and it's no indication of who / what they really are. Or who their parents are. But we do have to be careful that any behaviour towards them is correct (as much as possible) so that the effects of being bitten etc. or the practise of biting etc. doesn't have long-lasting repurcussions.

Which is actually just a repetition of what you were saying anyway! Sorry

STF

I have come to this thread late on and so a lot has already been covered.However a few thoughts occurred to me.
A baby of one is, in my opinion,too young to go to a toddler group where the average age is usually 2 or 3.Really babies of this age don't play with other kids.They might be interested in watching other children but that's really as far as it goes.i feel it would be more appropriate to attend something like an NCT coffee/bumps and babes session where there are a small number of people in a home setting where supervision is close and usually no marauding toddlers.My local clinic runs a group for parents of babies of 1 and under.That would be ideal.At this stage I think it's more beneficial for the mum than the kid anyway.
My second thought is the issue of whether biting and hitting is 'normal' toddler behaviour or whether it means that you have a budding delinquent on your hands.I am quoting from toddler taming now; 68% of 2 year olds and 52% of 3 year olds hit others or take things.72% of 2 year olds fight or quarrel while 75% of 3 year olds do.This is normal toddler behaviour.And yes we do have to teach our children that is not acceptable behaviour, but i think we also have to accept that things like this happen.
Don't get me wrong,I am a very close supervisor of my child , not least because he looks a good two or three years older than he actually is.So when he dispayed normal toddler behaviour when he was 2 or 3 he got grief for 'picking on little ones' when it was a quarrel between children of the same age. I have actually had other mums telling me not to be so hard on my ds because I don't usuallly let him get away with much but I will also fight his cause to the hilt if I think he is getting the rough end of the stick. Not sure where this is going so will stop but please remember kids do hit fight and bite.Yes we have to stop them but it doesn't mean they are going to grow up thugs.

OK, since this thread has been resurrected I will say something too (firstly, that I agree with alexsmum!).

What I really can't stand is this idea that people whose children don't bite are somehow superior parents, and it's their doing if their children are non-biters. Neither of my children has ever bitten another child. Ever. It has nothing to do with the way I have parented them. They simply don't bite, and it's the luck of the draw. I can't stand all this sanctimonious stuff about "oh I'm very strict with my children and give them firm guidelines and therefore they don't bite". It's just luck.

ooh tamum- you've said what I was too scared to say

I do remember feeling rather smug with ds1- he was such a "good" baby and toddler, no trouble at all. Never trashed anyone's house (stil doesn't), never took another child's toy, never pushed, never bit. Just smiled all day, and watched the world go by. I now know that was because he was autistic and had absolutely nothing to do with my superior parenting skills. Anyway ds2 is a complete maniac.

ah well I'd rather have maniac toddler than autistic child! Actaully ds2 was a nightmare wrt sleeping when compared to ds1 (who was a dreamboat until the autistm kicked in!)

We're just hoping ds3/dd escapes the need for speech therapy (better hope for a dd then!). I must be a really bad mother considering neither of my children can talk anything except gobledegook (although at least the maniac's gobbledegook is in sentences )

I dont think anyone here has said they feel superior because their child hasnt bitten.

I do think biting is a big issue and I do feel that the way Slinky dealt with it is great. I would be more than a little miffed if the mother whose child had bitten mine thought it was ok, "because thats what kids do" and the child was therefore free to go do it someone else, because they arent learning that this type of behaviour is wrong.

Any mum that has a biter does have my sympathy, particularly if its hard to get them out of, but then Im sure that most mums like this would make it clear to their children that this is not acceptable behaviour and hopefully make a fuss of the child that has been bitten rather than laughing about it. Its only a small minority that thinks its ok and would say nothing more to the child on the subject.

alexsmum, I agree with you that a 1-year-old is too young for a playgroup with kids mostly between 2-3 years old. I started taking dd at 18 months but have decided to try again when she's 2+, and of course you're right that a lot of kids will go through a hitting /biting phase. That wasn't really the issue on this thread though which is what's been the problem with this thread. The issue was how to deal with it.

As for sanctimoniousness (if there is such a word), well that works in loads of areas. My dd may so far not be a child who's hit or bitten but she's a child who eats like a fairy and I find the mums who say, or seem to me, to indicate that that's to do with the way I've fed her, very sanctimonious and annoying. But maybe that's the way I hear them because it's an issue for me and dd, rather than what they're saying. Because, I repeat, not once on this thread has anyone said that parents are to blame for hitting / biting behaviour. The debate was supposed to be about how parents of biter / bitten should deal with the situation.

I think there's a lot of guilt / unconfidence in being a mum, especially a first time mum, and especially if you have a child who does something you'd rather they didn't. I know I tend to blame myself whenever something goes wrong with dd, but it's important to realise that not all other people are interested in putting blame onto you. With all / any child who's hurt dd so far I haven't thought 'what a thug' or 'what terrible parents'.

But I may as well save my breath because every time I post on this thread, the next responses are from someone defending themselves against an attack against their parenting skills which doesn't exist.

Littletree, I have not read all the thread and just wanted to add that this happened to me as a baby,so my mother said. That I was in my pram and a little girl bit my nose. Of course the mother was embarrassed and was upset by this.

Jut really wanted to say it always can happen and not doubt always will. I think you have to remember that it was a child that bit and not an adult. The child who bit me is an adult now and I'm sure doesn't go around biting people and it didn't leave any scars on me. larsxx

I haven't read all the responses here so apologies if I'm repeating myself but just wanted to say that my ds is a bit of a bully. I'm quite a strong personality and do play a lot of rough and tumble games with him as I like boys to be boys but at the same time I don't encourage in any way him hitting, biting or doing anything else to his other friends.

Ds is 2.5 and he had a bad stage of hitting all his friends just before he turned 2. There was no reason for this at all (he often used hard or sharp toys to do it with too) but just acts of pure agression against his friends and I was horrified. I tried a whole range of methods from speaking very firmly to him on his level, taking him off to his room, getting him to say sorry and things like that. Nothing seemed to really work. He then grew out of that phase but when his little sister came along did revert back to it for a couple of weeks. Funnily enough he has never done it to his sister but only his friends who are pretty much his age.

He has just started biting when he has never been a biter before and is becoming very agressive again. The first time I thought it was a stage he was going through but this time I have realised that it is actually due to the change in his environment that is causing it. We have had a lot of visitors and his new nanny has just started etc so he is really lashing out and I tend to cop the majority of his hitting, head butting, biting and so on.

It doesn't seem to matter how much I tell him I love him, cuddle him or anything else he is still going through it. To be honest even though it is my job to discipline him when he does these things at the same time I actually appreciate it when another mum/dad does it as he certainly listens to them much more than me. The problem is that most parents won't do this as they don't want to step on my toes (as such) and with my friends I quite often have to ask them to do it if he has acted out towards them or their children and of all people they should know that I don't actually mind.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is please also think about the little boy as there may be a reason why he is doing this. It is unfortunate that it was taken out on your child as opposed to maybe his mum or dad (who can handle the pain etc) but also please do as the others have suggested and reprimand him in your own way so he knows that it is unacceptable. If his mother challenges you about what you say or do to her son then don't be afraid to let her know what you have said, how you have said it and why you said it, therefore, because she wasn't there at the time or didn't do it herself and if it isn't done straightaway then the impact on her child will be lost.

As the others have said, don't give up going and also teach your son how to deal with things like this as he needs those skills himself for world he enters himself, eg school, work etc.

So please also remember that

One other thing I forgot to add was that my ds's friends are now actually challenging him (hitting, pushing etc) and I let them as he needs to learn that he isn't the biggest fish in the pond. They all need to learn where they fit in their social circle as we do.

My ds also does the whole pretend crying thing when they do it but I won't stand for that. Be aware that this little boy might run back to his mum crying just for some sympathy and to get her attention. Don't let him fool his mum as my ds tries to do.

They're cunning little things.

I also agree that this thread is full of people getting defensive about things that have never been said.
Of course, the vast majority of parents do supervise their kids and behave appropriately when their children bit, hit and hurt others, as nearly all kids will do at some point - my own son included. But SOME parents don't. And some - apparently - including at least one here - actually think it is funny and don't see any need to intervene at all no matter what their kids are doing to others. And that really does take my breath away. Yes, some kids get bitten and they take it totally in their stride. But some are very upset about it indeed. Suedonim's daughter for one. My son is more timid around other children since he got bitten. It hurts a great deal and is shocking to be bitten on the face so hard it leaves extensive bruising - for a child or an adult. We all accept that a child who is bitten by a dog may be left with a lasting fear of dogs and even of parks, so why is it so impossible for a child who is the victim of serious biting from another child to be left with a similar fear of other children and playgroups? That's why, to me, it is serious and certainly not 'amusing'. My son certainly thought so. This, for me, is not so much whether it's nice to be the mum of the agressor or the victim in any given situation, but look at the effect on the children.
The only times my son has been really bashed about is by a kid whose mother is nowhere to be seen. And when he got bitten, and the mother finally pitched up, she sort of shrugged and said, "yes, he's been doing it a lot," and just wandered off again - and I immediately say him start hitting other smaller children. IMO if you know your child is biting 'a lot' then yes, it is your job to watch him pretty carefully. We are told that on one hand it's not the job of the aggressive/biting child's mother to watch him (because she needs a break), but on the other hand it is the job of the mother of the other child who is being bit or bitten (who presumably doesn't?) and not only that, she isn't allowed to even say 'No!" to the child biting or hitting their kid.
We all know all kids do push and hit and argue about toys at some point. But I do happen to think that how you intervene makes a big difference to how the child (particularly one of 21/2 or older) perceives their behaviour. I think having a jolly good laugh if your kid starts biting chunks out of other kids is a very effective way of making sure he is happy to do it again. This is hardly rocket science! I always stepped in if I saw my son going to hit or bite or push another child and I thought it as my job to at least try to modify his antisocial behaviour. I certainly didn't think it was funny. It does piss me off that there are a very few parents out there who don't seem very bothered by what their kids do and think that as long as they personally are having a nice sit down and a gossip, their kid's behaviour doesn't matter.

I can't believe this thread is still rumbling on! There's some very sound points on here and a reminder that there's a very big distance between the mum that ignores what their child is doing and also thinks something like biting is "just part of growing up" and laughs it off and the mum who never takes their eye off their child and is very anti any other child who shows any aggression to them. The vast majority of us are somewhere in between.
When I was a first time mum, I used to look at most toddler behaviour with my jaw dragging along the ground, making mental notes that my little darling would NEVER behave like that. Three kids down the line, they've all done everything at least once!

Toddlers do hit/shove/snatch/bite etc. and every child will experience it and also do at least one of them to another child.

STF, I'm sorry that you've had a hard time on this thread, it's a real shame as there really are some sound points of view on here. Don't give up going to toddler groups, the rough and tumble of toddler behaviour IS something your dd (and you) need to get used to but stick up for her when you see fit.

HTH

P.S. Biting REALLY hurts (ds took experimental chunks out of my shoulder on a couple of occasions and I nearly dropped him)

And Littletree who started the whole thread off and is probably now wishing she hadn't!!

Aloha - well put.

"Because, I repeat, not once on this thread has anyone said that parents are to blame for hitting / biting behaviour"

No, I don't think I said that they did. There are posts though where the posters are under the impression that it is the way they parent that cause their children to be non-biters, and that is what I was responding to. I don't think you can just say "that isn't what the debate was meant to be about", because as always, as these threads go on, more points are brought in and it's unreasonable to think that no-one should address them just because it's not what it's "meant to be" about. And I am not being remotely defensive; luckily for me I've nothing to be defensive about. I would certainly never have laughed it off if my child had bitten someone, and I am quite sure it can hurt like hell.

You've made some really good points there aloha, especially about how a child can be affected by being hurt which I've felt is an aspect of this thread that has been completely over-looked and generally poo-pooed as being me being an over-worried, paranoid mom!

As usual, well said, Aloha.

are you all sure the mum didnt just laugh because she was embarassed?! I know I sometimes laugh innapropriately because I am embarassed!

My daughter was bitten quite badly at school once and yes I was upset about it. But the school dealt with the matter. I did ring up to say how upset I was and how I hoped it wouldnt happen again, but I didnt approach the parent. My children both can be biters. One has special needs and has started self injuring aswell. I cant stop her doing this and if I do it will take time. Same goes for any kid

Not completely sure now, Fio2, but I think it was someone who posted on here that said they laugh when their child bites. But don't quote me on that.

I didn't mean any offense by that, dinosaur, I just couldn't remember as it was something other people have referred to in replies and I can't remember the whole thread now. It's got so huge.

Blimey, I'd be amazed if anyone managed to read this whole thread ...