Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

Another child bit my baby in playgroup... Advice please!

207 replies

littletree · 04/07/2004 00:14

I've finally gotten around to bringing my nearly one year old to a playgroup. It was all going swimmingly until the end when they brought out bikes and scooters for the little ones to push around/ride. My little guy was sitting on a horsey and a little boy who was 3 came along smiling and pinched my sons cheek rather hard. I took his hand away and said that wasn't nice and stroked my babys cheek and said 'gently'. The other boy then copied me and stroked my son. No harm done. About 15 minutes later he charged over to my son and I thought was nuzzling my son playfully. But then I noticed to my horror that his jaws were clamped on his shoulder in a bite. I was horrified and yanked my boy away. There was a general uproar and much sympathy from the other mums and the boy's mum finally came over and reprimanded him. I understand that this little boy is something of a bully and it was absolutely awful watching my baby get hurt like that. There is no violence in my home and I don't want him learning these things from other children. Help! Is this just a fact of life that I will have to accept? What should I do when this happens? Any advice and shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
maisystar · 04/07/2004 13:58

hmb, sorry if i've upset you. in my post i meant the biters who had been mentioned so far in the thread, i wasn't suggesting that all mums didn't take it seriously. last nights post was typed in a bit of a hurry as i had a puking child!

maisystar · 04/07/2004 14:00

crossed posts dinosaur, sorry to you to!!

JanZ · 04/07/2004 14:09

Ds come hom from the child minder's one day with a lovely circular bite mark on his cheek (which laster for nealry a week!). His best friend had bitten him. To be fair on his mother, she was mortified - WE were the ones who were amused and said that these things happen. Apparently her we sent to bed without his supper or some other nasty punshmnet.

If it were us (and I'm sure ds - no, I know - that ds gives as good as he gets ), we'd have a had a quiet chat with ds and explained to him why it was wrong. TOO much of a reaction at the time and ds would have "enjoyed" it as attention.

Chandra · 04/07/2004 14:09

A little update here, DS may have learned today that it is equally painful to bite and to be bitten, all in one go, I had just put his socks on and he took a big bite at his toes! he started crying immediatly! ouch!

Jimjams · 04/07/2004 15:10

I know we've been here before Aloha and I haven't the energy to go round in circles today- the point I'm making is that sometimes the most appropriate response for a particualr child can be the opposite of an all singing all dancing making a big meal of things. JanZ's ds sounds like the NT version of my son's case. I know that my MIL's shouting and yelping actually gave is the pinching problem in the first place- and I would be as annoyed with a stranger at playgroup - as I was with her- if an inappropriate reposnse for my son left us with yet another problem behaviour to get rid of. We have enough of those already.

Poppy1978 · 04/07/2004 15:24

This is going to be controversal but...
Maybe it's seen as cruel nowadays, but my kids both tried biting me, and they never tried it again. I bit them back. Not hard, not enough to even leave a small mark, but to show them it does hurt, and it isn't a nice thing to do.

I know they say that by doing it the mother becomes as bad as the child, but I think some kids genuinely don't realise how much it hurts. Even if it is an attention thing, being bit back isn't the attention they are going to look for!

I don't believe in smacking kids all the time or anything, but in this case demonstration worked far quicker than trying to explain to them or having them going to nursery and taking chunks out of other poor innocent kids.

iota · 04/07/2004 15:25

Ds2 (almost 3) came home from nursery with a bite on his back yesterday. The staff gave me an incident form and had dealt with it.

Ds2 was quite affronted about it and couldn't wait to tell daddy at home and show him. Then he said that he was going to bite XXX back tomorrow - a course of action I tried to persuade him against. Wonder if I'll get a form tonight?

PS I hate biting - and always react strongly if mine do it - thankfully a rare occurance.

aloha · 04/07/2004 15:31

Who said anything about all singing, all dancing etc? There's a huge difference between shrieking and yelling and a/not even bothering to wander over to have a look at what the little angel has been doing and b/thinking it's a good laugh when a child attacks another and leaves them hurt and traumatised. In my particular case I would have like it if a/the stupid woman would have bothered to supervise her nasty little boy (who was busy hurting other smaller kids while she sat down and had a nice chat with her mates) and b/taken him out of the playhouse as he wanted it all to himself, had bitten my son completely unprovoked and thus made him too frightened to go back in, and his wretched mother just let him have the place to himself - ie let him get exactly what he wanted by means of biting a smaller child. I would like to see some appropriate action taken. In this case I think that should have been the removal of the child with the words, "well, if you can't share it, you can't play in it at all'.
As for thinking it's funny....words just fail me. I do realise that if your child is autistic you will tend to see it from that point of view - but we aren't talking about kids like your son. We're talking about perfectly 'normal', NT kids who are old enough to know better and whose parents don't seem to give a damn that they hurt other children.

lisalisa · 04/07/2004 15:37

Message withdrawn

aloha · 04/07/2004 15:38

As you can probably tell, I'm still quite angry about it! It was weeks ago but Ds still looks nervously at other children and asks me if the child 'will bite me'. And if someone whose kid had left mine crying in pain and with bruises all over his face DARED to laugh, I think I would be very tempted to punch her!

lisalisa · 04/07/2004 15:41

Message withdrawn

dinosaur · 04/07/2004 15:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Hulababy · 04/07/2004 15:45

I have to say that I don't think it is appropriate to 'tell off' someone else's 3 year old - for many of the reasons given already. My 2yo DD has been bitten; she hasn't bitten and has never tried to (so far???). DD was bitten at nursery by her little friend, I filled in the incident form and nursery dealt with it and told the little boy's mum.

In a playgrouop where parents are there as well it is harder I guess if the mum does nothing. But in those cases I would address either the parent or the playgroup leader - but not the child itself. IMO that is not my place to do so.

I would be appalled if someone else told of my child. That is for me or another adult I have discussed reprimands with to do.

Jimjams · 04/07/2004 15:46

oh whatever aloiha- like I said bad day- bad week bad life, haven't got the energy- may do in September.

The point I am making is that people don't realise that my son is autistic- and that may possibly be the case for some of the biters on here. I have seen parents- caring considerate parents go through hell because their child bites- children without diagnoses- although possibly not 100% normal- but nothing they can fall back on. I am not saying that biting is OK or funny, just that all too often I have been on the receiving end of glares- even when my son's behaviour is just odd rather than affecting anyone else, and sometimes it isn't appropriate to make assumptions.

Anyway my last word on the matter- am scuttling back to somewhere safer.

SoupDragon · 04/07/2004 15:52

DS2 (3) understands the concept of the "pasta jar". Every Saturday, he and DS1 (5) get 5 pieces of pasta in their jar and they can earn them or lose them through the week. On Saturday, we count the pieces, they get 10p for each piece and 5 pieces are put back in again.

If DS2 doesn't do as he's told or is doing something he shouldn't, I ask him if he'd like me to take a piece of pasta away and 9/10 times he does what he's supposed to.

aloha · 04/07/2004 15:53

My ds used to go to nursery but he hated it and was pretty distressed there. The whole point of going regularly to playgroup was to reintroduce him to a group setting and get him to enjoy it with the idea of reintroducing nursery - which is one of the reasons I was so hacked off that this kid decided to bite chunks out of him and put him off again!
I totally disagree with the idea that it is never acceptable to tell other people's kids off. We are talking here about cases where the parents are nowhere to be seen and frankly, couldn't care less. I think if your child is a biter then it's your job to supervise him pretty closely. I am sure responsible parents do this so there is no need to say anything to the child.

dinosaur · 04/07/2004 15:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SoupDragon · 04/07/2004 15:59

Aloha, your reaction is exactly the same as the reaction of my friends when their child was bitten. Believe me, their hardline "call social services" stance changed dramatically when their child turned into the aggressor.

When you've seen it from the other side of the fence, you realise that it can be just something children do and is best dealt with firmly, with no fuss and minimum attention. Whever I saw a child hurt DS1 I would tell them off with a firm "Don't hurt people. If you do that no one will want to play with you.". After that, a hard stare whenever they went near my child stopped them in their tracks.

Hulababy · 04/07/2004 16:00

I guess we all do things differently but I would still never address another child to tell them off. I would rather seek out a parent or playgroup leader. Besides anything else how do I know if there is or isn't anything "wrong" (bad choice of words I know) with the child, or if there is something else going on with him/her. My approach may make matters worse for the child and/or parent.

I prefer to take the approach where I would remove DD from the situationa dn comfort her, saying loudly that biting (or whatever) is wrong and not nice, and that it is something we should not do, etc. So not addressing the child who did it, but aimed at my DD in a more confrting tone. Then I'd seek out another adult (parent/playgroup leader) if necessary.

Just my own preference I guess.

SoupDragon · 04/07/2004 16:03

TBH, the only child who ever hurt DS1 was the friend's child so I had no qualms about telling them off. The child knew me and I knew the child and parents so it was never an issue. I just assume I would use the same low key method with any child.

dinosaur · 04/07/2004 16:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

aloha · 04/07/2004 16:06

Aaargh! I never said call social services, did I? No. I said that there are parents out there who frankly don't give a stuff what their brats are up to, think it's funny (fgs) or don't bother to give any kind of sanction. They don't even remove their kids even when the kid they've bitten is clearly frightened of them. It's not really too much, IMO, to ask of parents to supervise their own kids and step in when they start hurting other children. Of course my son has pushed or hit other kids in his time - he's not a freak -and I invariably step in right away. We also talk about good and bad behaviour afterwards and I praise lavishly and extravagantly for kindness and gentleness and helpfulness. If the wretched parents would only deal with their kids 'firmly' then this whole issue would hardly arise. He's even bitten other children - but at a much younger age, and I never laughed or thought it trivial. I wouldn't think twice about saying 'Don't you ever bite this little boy again" or 'It's nasty and mean to bite' - provided, as I said, the parents were nowhere to be seen.

aloha · 04/07/2004 16:12

BTW Dinosaur, took ds to see a Montessori nursery quite nearby that looked as if it might be suitable - very small (only 16 kids max) and lots of quiet, quite concentrated activities with number and letter work that would probably suit ds. Feel sick at the thought of it though after our rather traumatic experience of nursery before. I hope now he's nearly three he will be more able to cope.

dinosaur · 04/07/2004 16:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Jimjams · 04/07/2004 16:22

Dinosaur- it can though (do harm I mean). When my ds is in pinching/whatever hurting/naughty mode then his reinforcement is the word "no". So as he pinches, eject and re-ejects the video, chucks stuff over the stairs if someone is around he will shout "an" (no) and if you actually say it he will crease up with laughter and do it again immediately. Saying "no" to a fixed pattern of bad behaviour is a strong enough reinforcer for him to do it over and over again for the rest of the day. Someone at a playgroup saying no to him for pinching is likely to get more than they bargained for as a reposnse (a hysterical -as in thinking it was hilarious- child and a big painful scratch).

As for supervising him- He has pinched ds2 when I've been stood right next to the pair of them. He's fast.