My seven year old son has been excluded for the third time.

[Flip]

I haven't been on mumsnet for sometime but something strange happened this afternoon. My sons school called to inform me they were excluding him and while I was on the phone I received an e-mail from the mumsnet news. So I took it as a sign and apologies in advance for unloading.

I don't know where to begin so I'll start with today and work backwards. The call came from the school secretary who was trying to reach dh. She seemed unwilling to tell me what had happened as directly after the Christmas Holidays I refused to be involved in any further incidents. Eventually she told me that ds1 was excluded for using a racist word. She informed me that I didn't have to collect him as they were keeping him as an internal exclusion. Which meant that he was in solitary confinement in the heads study for want of a better description. She informed me that the head master would make himself available to dh Friday morning to discuss what had happened. So I contacted dh and got through to him straight away so she couldn't have tried very hard and I explained what little I knew of what had happened. He informed me he was to busy to come home from work and deal with this and when I gave him a list of things to ask when he called school he made it as plain as possible that I would have to take responcibility if I wanted my questions answered.

Am I being unreasonable to want to know tonight before I pick him up what it is he's actually said? I want to know who it was witnessed by and when it happened. As you can see from the fact that this is his third exclusion, he's definitley no angel and I'm not defending him. But I am starting to feel that he's treated different to the other kids.

One parent wrote a letter of complaint about ds1 over Christmas about an incident I happened to witness. She was the reason I got called into school the first day back after the holidays. But earlier this week, her child punched a child to the floor in the cloakroom and then kicked him in the stomach and groin. It was witnessed by half a dozen children and myself. He wasn't told of or punished as he left shortly after because it was the end of the day. If that had been my son, he'd have been excluded there and then.

So I feel as if I've gone from thinking the worst in him to wanting to defend him. If he has used a racist word it isn't acceptable and he needs to think about why it isn't. But I doubt they would have excluded any other child for the same offence.

I really don't know how to handle this and I've only got forty minutes before I have to go and get him.

Can anyone help me?

Hi sorry your having such a rough time. sounds like you have done all you can in terms of accessing support agencies.
You need to push school to have a multiagency meeting with all the professionals involved. ep, cahms, behaviour support, counsellor, senco and parent partnership, family support. to look at a holistic support strategy.

You know you can request a stat ass your self it is called a parental request.
How old are your EP reports they should be no older than 12 months, the school should have IEP, PSP, IBP, logs of incidents etc paperwork, Plus you will have all the medical reports as well. Contact IPSEA and they will help you.

Does he have a PSP - Pastoral support plan, if he does not meet his targets schools can permex. please check what paperwork they have put in place.

Please also contact ACE advisory centre for education regarding the exclusions. It is illegal to unoffically exclude a child. If the previous exclusions have no paperwork they they don't exist. The school are required to provide edu. provision if excluded externally. You can request a meeting of the gov. body- chair and head if you don't get any joy with your 1:1 meeting with the head tomorrow this is the complaints proceedure. If they exclude for less than 15days it is at the heads discretion but you must always be informed verbally and in writing, witness statements taken and every incident fully explored.

Can they re refer to the behaviour support team to get the 1:1 support again.
Have CAHMS explored any attachment disorders or oppositional defiance disorders if ASD and ADHD have been ruled our? CAHMS can also refer to play therapy and art therapy intervention please ask them about this?

Also schools have a deligated budget to support vulnerable pupils they have an obligation to make funds available to pay for TA support.

In my experience it is rare for the LEA to let priamry exclusions happen. Does your Authority have any primary support bases/ EBD UNITS that run an outreach service? Can the school refer?

Sorry to be bossy but I hope it gives you some more info. You need to start making some noise as a UNITED fromt that is really important.

I hope that helps

Your son sounds so sad and lonely.

Does he have friends at school or is he socially isolated? What are school doing to address this - circle of friends, circle time.

What do CAHMS say about his dark thoughts and self harming?

hi one more question: what is the involvement of the social workers is your case closed? how did they help? can you not ring up and re engage or re refer?

Social services are no longer involved. The lady we had assigned to us wasn't an easy person to warm to. In the end they gave us a grant to put him in a holiday club a couple of days a week over the six week holidays and closed his case. The holiday club was a failure with ds1 then five escaping from the building and heading to the bus station to come home. I particularly liked the phone call to ask if they could restrain ds1 from getting on a bus.

We do have family support workers who are based at a family centre closed to where I live. I think they are social services but focus more on help rather than snatching. I've got a good relationship with the lady who comes to visit and ds1 has a good relationship with her to. As I mentioned earlier they managed to track down a man in the area and he is working as a mentor for ds1. It's in the very early stages and we've only had four meetings but I'm positive about it.

School have tried the circle of friends thing and he does have friends but he's very bossy and fights a lot. I'm not very keen on one of his friends as he is the youngest of four and all the new info ds1 gets seems to come from this boy. He lives very near us and ds1 has been to his house and he's been to ours. But things came out about ds1 playing PS2 games which we have told him he's banned from playing. When the child was at out house he asked me if me and my neighbour were lesbians because we were sat at the table have a cuppa and a chat. We've tried to stop ds1 from going round to this childs house but they still play together at school.

CAMHS thoughts about his self harming is that it's just a cry for attention.

I did tell the head master yesterday that I wanted to call a child in need meeting and invite all the agencies and he asked me to set it up and liase with everyone so I'm going to try and get that done in the next couple of weeks. There was a meeting a few weeks ago with behaviour support and the educational phycologist which dh and I were invited to. Unfortunatley I had to cancel at the last minute as I slipped a disc in my back and couldn't move. I'm still waiting for the minutes.

With regards to all the paperwork, his file was empty when I was allowed access to it. There was one report from 2003 to behaviour support a report I gave school from CAMHS, two letters I'd wrote regarding my concerns and his last IBP which was three months out of date. No incident reports or reports on previous exclusions which I pulled the head master up about and he was very red faced. I want to complain because this is now going to hold up the statementing process because school have no evidence. He does have a pastoral support but it's a very new thing at his school and he's one of the first.

Before Christmas I asked for behaviour support to be brought back in and it still took four weeks before school involved them and numerous nudges from me. The head informed me that his budget was spent double and there was nothing available. I offered to pay for a TA and he refused.

I don't know any details about the LEA but I think that's my research for today to find out if they know anything about what's going on with my son. I'm going to make some calls.

Thanks for all your advise and thank you DrMarthaMcMoo for your kind support.

Flip, do you have any knowledge or reasons as to why your ds is like this? I'm wondering if he's very bright but doesn't have the same level of emotional maturity? Or if he's completely bored at school and needs to be given more advanced work?

this is an awful situation flip - sorry if my earlier post sounded unsympathetic but your original post was a bit cryptic.

The school is unbelievably crap in not documentic the previous exclusions or other behavioural incidents: where I work everything is recorded formally and witnessed, this is the correct procedure. Is this a state school he attends? I would kick up an almighty stink about this. It is at the very least professional misconduct - you should use this expression in your letters of complaint .Someone needs to be disciplined about this.

I agree that your son sounds very lonely and sad. It also sounds like you dh is burying his head in the sand because he cannot face the facts of hte situation. I really hope something happens to alleviate your son's misery and your stress.

Thanks for answering my questions flip.

you shouldn't be the one organise this meeting the school should be demand that the senco does this. I;m so for you.

It is like they are washing there hands of their part in this picture.

In my experience a child does not talk about killing themselves at 6/7 unless they are deeply unhappy. PLEASE pressurise CAHMS for some art or play therapy.

Behaviour support should come for your LEA NOT out of theschools budget- although TA would come out of his budget
To start the complaints proceedure, ask for a meeting which you have done. write down all you concerns which will require the school to respond to you in writing to get the ball rolling

And im sure people on here will tellyou statements are not easy to get It sounds like a lot of the evidence - school based is missing please make a parental request on behalf of you son..

I;m glad you are contact your LEA they need to be made aware of your situation.

Best of luck

Flip, very sorry to hear your situation?
Could I ask you a question? your DS's threat to self harm, is the threat aimed at you? not that he wants to hurt you but the kind of "if you don't do xyz I'll hurt myself"?

Flip have you had your meetings yet with the Headteacher?

Flip - I remember your other posts about your ds1. that things are no better.

I would try IPSEA's helpline, following the link posted further up/down the thread. It can take a while to get through but I suspect that they would be able to give you more specific advice. I also agree that you should apply for a statement yourself. Good luck.

Flip this must be really hard for both of you, thinking your son might be a sociopath is an awful thing to consider and you must be at your wits end.

I don't personally think that there are 7 year old sociopaths. Something is significantly wrong for your ds and you have been trying hard to find out what and how to help him. You haven't found the answer yet but if you keep looking I know that you will. You need to get some support for yourself as this must be incredibly hard for you. Hang in there, keep looking for the answer and you will find it. Please find the strength to keep fighting for your son, he needs you.

mousiemousie