My seven year old son has been excluded for the third time.

[Flip]

I haven't been on mumsnet for sometime but something strange happened this afternoon. My sons school called to inform me they were excluding him and while I was on the phone I received an e-mail from the mumsnet news. So I took it as a sign and apologies in advance for unloading.

I don't know where to begin so I'll start with today and work backwards. The call came from the school secretary who was trying to reach dh. She seemed unwilling to tell me what had happened as directly after the Christmas Holidays I refused to be involved in any further incidents. Eventually she told me that ds1 was excluded for using a racist word. She informed me that I didn't have to collect him as they were keeping him as an internal exclusion. Which meant that he was in solitary confinement in the heads study for want of a better description. She informed me that the head master would make himself available to dh Friday morning to discuss what had happened. So I contacted dh and got through to him straight away so she couldn't have tried very hard and I explained what little I knew of what had happened. He informed me he was to busy to come home from work and deal with this and when I gave him a list of things to ask when he called school he made it as plain as possible that I would have to take responcibility if I wanted my questions answered.

Am I being unreasonable to want to know tonight before I pick him up what it is he's actually said? I want to know who it was witnessed by and when it happened. As you can see from the fact that this is his third exclusion, he's definitley no angel and I'm not defending him. But I am starting to feel that he's treated different to the other kids.

One parent wrote a letter of complaint about ds1 over Christmas about an incident I happened to witness. She was the reason I got called into school the first day back after the holidays. But earlier this week, her child punched a child to the floor in the cloakroom and then kicked him in the stomach and groin. It was witnessed by half a dozen children and myself. He wasn't told of or punished as he left shortly after because it was the end of the day. If that had been my son, he'd have been excluded there and then.

So I feel as if I've gone from thinking the worst in him to wanting to defend him. If he has used a racist word it isn't acceptable and he needs to think about why it isn't. But I doubt they would have excluded any other child for the same offence.

I really don't know how to handle this and I've only got forty minutes before I have to go and get him.

Can anyone help me?

I have demanded that school get him on the statementing process. The gloves are off now and I am seriously concidering launching an official complaint regarding the two previous exclusions which are undocumented and all the other incidents they regularly call us in about which have never been documented. It's negligent.

The heads excuse for not maintaining one on one for ds1 is that he would have to take it from another child as they have already overspent their special needs budget by double. Yet they continue to take trouble kids from other school with special needs. There are four children alone with severe behavioural problems in my sons class. One of those kids is statemented and has one on one yet he is the best behaved because his parents medicate him. I have begged CAMHS to try medication for ds1 but without a diagnosis they can do nothing.

I would decide what your biggest priority is atm and fight that battle first.

You need to make an appointment with the schools SENCO and psuh for a statement. Yo should, I think, also discuss your concerns with your GP and push for a referal to a child psyciatrist. You will not get your son the help that he needs unless you have a diagnosis of something. Once you have a dx it does tend to make the statmenting process a little easier.

I know that this isn't going to make your situation any easier, but it might be helpful for you to know that there seems to be a drive to reduce the number of statemnets being given to primary age children......we have significantly fewer kids entereing secondary who are statemented. they probelms can be awful, but they don't get the statment. So I don't think that your son is being personaly disadvantages, IYSWIM, but rather that he is caught up in the crap that is the current inclusion policy

The GP only has CAMHS at his disposal. Nothing else.

I have put up barriers because of the way my son is and that's what family support are trying to sort out.

I've just called school and asked them to keep him until the head master can tell me fully what's actually gone on. I'm not walking into there blind to be met with all his aggression when I don't know what's gone on. I've got two other kids including a three year old and I just know that ds1 is going to run. It's the fight or flight and I'm not sure which I'd prefer. I feel physically sick at the thought of getting him.

Wish me luck. I'd better sign off now or else I won't go at all.

I do feel for you Flip, but at the end of the day you are the grown up and he is a 7 year old boy. Hope you both get the support you both need.

God. The poor child needs a statement. How awful. He really, really needs one before he gets to secondary school.

So sorry about my terse remarks earlier.

Just got back from school as I literally camped out in the entrance foyer with three kids until the head master appeared. The incident was witnessed by one of the teaching assistants and a girl in his class. However ds1 still firmly denies that it was him and claims it was the person stood next to him. I have to say that the word he's supposed to have used isn't one I've ever heard him say before and when I asked him what it meant, he'd no idea.

However, while I was with the head master there was another incident brought to his attention involving my ds1. He's apparently been on the class computer and gone to a game site and downloaded a game which has turned out to be a video of naked people. So he thinks he's in trouble for that and not this racist comment.

I suggested a child in need meeting be called to try and get all the agency's working together again. I also instructed the head master to move forward as quickly as possible regarding statmenting and he said it would probably be September at the earliest before anything was forthcoming. I also made an appointment for dh to go into school tomorrow morning at 8am alone to speak to the head master.

Flip.
How worrying about your son using a school computer that allows access to these things - the computers in schools are usually locked down very tightly with regard to surfing the internet.
That issue needs addressing by the school asap, IMO.
Your son needs lots of support from school, and from the behaviour support team.
I hope you and your DH find the energy to fight for the support he deserves - we have had ongoing battles with the LEA regarding in-school support for special needs, and know from experience that it is time consuming and draining.
I also know that looking after a child with behavioural difficulties can lead you to a very lonely and difficult place, so please search for support.
I know it is hard, but please try and be kind and gentle with your son if you can - he's only very young, and he needs you and his father to defend his corner.

agree with humphrey.

sorry to be curt but you sound like you've saved all your sympathies for yourself, your post earlier saying you feel sick at the thought of going in to get him and we've to wish you luck! what about your 7 yr old? do you think he feels sick his mum has told the school you don't want to be included in further incidents as you said in the op?

sorry again for this but think you need to grow up, show your son he has your full support and deal with this altogether.

I do remember that horrible feeling of dread everytime the telephone rang, in case it was school ringing to say how my son wasn't coping. And the awful anticipation of waiting outside school every afternoon, wondering how things had been that day.
It is so difficult when a child starts being defined by how they behave, rather than people finding out why they behave as they do.
Your post that said:
"He has very low self esteem and thinks that the world is out to get him. He's very depressed and constantly mentions killing himself. The other week he hid in his wardrobe for an hour and we had all the neighbours out looking for him because we couldn't find him. I was on the brink of calling the police when he reappeared but he just said he didn't think anyone would care if he was dead"
describes a very sad and lonely little boy.
It is so difficult, but you must try and battle with the education system to give him the support he clearly needs.
I wish you all the best of luck.

oh goodness, i feel so sad reading this thread for you and your ds. you need some help and fast. he needs a dx, and a statement. he sounds very depressed for a 7yr old. and why the hell was he able to download a naked video

i dont think you have saved all your sympathies for yourself, i think you sound very stressed, and tired of it all. You all need help and fast.

is it really just CAHMs for this age? why about CDC does that cover this age? ed phyc? SENCo?

Flip no advice, just for you, best of luck

ssd - I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling defeated as it's been a battle since he was a little over two years old. As regards me giving up my involvment in his incidents that was to bring his father in. I've practically dealt with him alone while his father works to support us and it's left me completley drained. It was the only thing I had left to make his father realise that he stepped up or I stepped out. Just because I'm at home it shouldn't all fall to me. I wanted him to take part and do the parenting courses or at least listen to coping strategies and be onboard. But he never found the time. Now he's hearing first hand and it's his phone ringing.

But I am the person who goes to school everyday and picks him up and he knows that no matter what, I'll be there. As much as I don't want to, I go. Often to be greated with a tyrade about something that's happen or to have his bag thrown at me so he can run off. To be told by his classmates he's been in trouble.

sorry again!!
was probably a bit strong there, just feel really sorry for your little boy and hope he gets some decent help soon.

I would contact the gp and book a double appointment. I think that you must be stressed beyond belief and worried sick.

There must be something that the GP can suggest?

In our area there is an organisation called parent partnership I'm pretty sure it must be a government thing and in your area too. They know their stuff about your rights etc and they will go to meetings with you at the school and support you. Kind of mediation I suppose.

Oh dear I think it was you who was posting about your DS the same time Amynnixmum was having problems with her DS who was excluded shortly after starting school, so sorry things haven't improved for you. ANM contacted IPSEA who were helpful I think. Have you spoken to them to see if they can help ?

Oh it might have been parent partnership looking at Berrie's post as I remember someone went to meetings with her as a sort of advocate.

This thread is heartbreaking and I'm saddened by some people's fairly pat responses to you

Flip I don't have any solutions I'm afraid, and I don't have any advice. But as a mother I can totally understand the sentiments you have expressed. You sound to me as though you're doing an amazing job against terrible odds. Deep down it is clear you love your DS, but finding it in you to like him after he's been so very challenging for so very many years must be so incredibly difficult.

Good for you for sticking at it. I wouldn't be in your shoes for the world, but I am impressed by your fortitude and willingness to continue .. you sound like a warm, loving and caring mum in an incredibly difficult situation with no support .. I wish I could help you .. all I can do is empathise and tell you you don't sound heartless nor like a monster you sound like a mother in despair

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Thanks for your support HumphreyCushion, misdee and robbosmum.

The naked video was able to be downloaded because ds1 had gone onto the council website which the school routes through and found some passwords which got him past the firewall and allowed him to change some of the properties. He's very bright when it comes to computers and not much holds him up. He innocently thought it was a game he was downloading. He sat with the school technician and showed him what he'd done. I'm sorry to say it isn't the first time. He did the same last year looking for a game but then it was popups because ds1 had located a brand new search engine which wasn't barred by the council. Needless to say his ITC lessons are painfully boring. He even wrote a letter to the teacher who writes the ITC curriculum to tell him what he thought.

Regarding the help available. The only resource for GP's is CAMHS. The ed phyc has seen him twice and he has SENCO support. He also has fifteen minutes a week with a lady who gets him to talk about his feelings. She checks on him throughout the day as well. Behaviour support have also seen him and it was one of their people who spent four months with him one on one which worked. So they stopped it.

You both need help & fast

Is ds your only child?

Can anyone tell me what CAHM means?

MartianBishop - I've had many double appointments and turned up without any appointment and refused to leave until he's seen me. I have an excellent GP who's sympathetic and keeps an eye on me. But apart from keeping me well, CAMHS is all he has unless I'm willing to put him in short term care.

Berrie - I have spoke to Parent Partnership and had a couple of meetings with them. They promised to get ds2 into one of their nurture groups so that he didn't pick up ds1's language choices or violence. It all fizzled out as I guess they have a lot of parents in need. I usually have my sister for support when I need her. She mediates for a living as she runs BullyFreeZone charity. She tells me what to ask and what should be being done and also has some helpful contacts.

Twiglett - Thank you for your support. It is very hard to like him or to even be near him sometimes.

fireflyfairy2 - Child Adolescent Mental Health Services is what CAMHS means.

I also have a ds2 who's just turned three. He's wonderful and so thoughtful and caring. I don't know how he's come through unscathed so far.

So difficult for you

What are the school saying? I would imagine that they are keen to help sort out these behavioural issues, what do they suggest happens? (sorry if this is an old question that you have already answered)

Given the level of problem that you son seems to have, and given the wide range of things that you have already tried, would a behavioural special school help, do you think?

Flip, I'm so sorry to read that things are no better - in fact, they sound worse. I don't have any expertise or experience on this to offer - and I know sympathy is no help at all. It must be killing you - I know you've fought so hard to get a diagnosis and to get help for him and got nowhere.

You sound different from your posts a while back - tbh, you sound completely flat and almost emotionless, which is maybe why some of the comments have come across as not so sympathetic. But I've met you and I know what a lovely person you are - and a really good Mum. This isn't your fault and it isn't anything you've done - your ds needs help. It must be like constantly beating your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere. I wish you strength. I'm so sorry you are still going through this.

Flip, the fact that the school hasn't dealt with the exclusions properly, and there is no paperwork, has meant that your DS is 'flying under the radar', as the LEA won't know about the problems he's been having.
Our son had one-to-one assistance for three months, to help him cope in class with his dyslexia, but once he started to cope well with school, they took away the funding, so we were back to square one.
Is there a parent liaison officer assigned to your LEA? Ours was great, and we got her details from the local council website.
She came to meetings with us, and was impartial (although paid by the LEA! ), but she did act in our best interests.
I would also advise you to put your concerns in writing, and ensure the Head of Governors gets a copy of the letter.
Is the SENCO at the school helpful?
Your DS sounds very bright, and the school could use his talent for IT as a way to praise him and start to build up his self-esteem.