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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Does Anyone Else Not Punish?

184 replies

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:23

Seems an alien concept some but seems to work for us. I am interested in others who have taken the same approach.

OP posts:

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Original poster

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:25

"to some" typo.

OP posts:

ReturnoftheWhack · 03/07/2016 07:28

How old are your children?

Toofondofcake · 03/07/2016 07:29

I'm not sure how old your children are but it is very likely that you will need to start disciplining them as they get older.
The boundaries and limitations and their consequences show children that they are secure and safe.

Also I know a girl who's mother did not discipline her and her siblings and she said she grew up feeling very insecure and unsure of why her mother was ambivalent about her behaviour.

This may or may not apply to you but I am only offering another side to the coin. Not intending to start a bun fight or anything.

Blerg · 03/07/2016 07:31

I don't generally, but DD is only 2.9 so maybe she hasn't really tested us yet. I'm reading Calm Parents, Happy Child and agree with the boundary setting, coaching approach in there. It's not letting anything go, but about empathetic limits. It works well with DD because she copes well with knowing what's expected, what's coming and any sudden surprises or physical interventions really inflame the situation. I still stop her from doing stuff, or take things away for safety but it's about how you do it.

TeaBelle · 03/07/2016 07:32

I try to offer natural consequences rather than punish - take away the toy that has been thrown etc

Original poster

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:32

I don't see why the age of my children matters. I am interested in discussing the concept. I know I will never punish. I don't punish adults or even dogs.
Toofon- you think punishment makes children feel safe?

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WellErrr · 03/07/2016 07:33

Yeah, parents of sweet 'oh isn't he funny, he's just boisterous' 2 year olds and then fucking nightmare 'but where did I go wrooooong??' 5 year olds.

Coconutty · 03/07/2016 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnockMeDown · 03/07/2016 07:34

It also depends on what you mean by 'punish'. Discipline is about setting boundaries and following through with consequences, IMO, and also needs to be age appropriate.

WellErrr · 03/07/2016 07:34

I try to offer natural consequences rather than punish - take away the toy that has been thrown

That's a punishment. 'Natural consequences' is just 2016 fluffy speak for it.

Throw a toy? The punishment is losing the toy.

Original poster

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:36

By punish I mean unrelated consequences- so things like naughty step, smacking, loss of privileges.

OP posts:

Original poster

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:38

Wellerr I think that you are confusing no punishment and being overly liberal here. The two are quite distinct.
Some of the worst behaved children I know are the ones that are punished very severely.

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claraschu · 03/07/2016 07:38

We don't punish. Our kids are 20,18, and 14. Discipline and punishment are not synonymous.

To me, there is an element of humiliation in punishment, which is not helpful in dealing with whatever causes people to do things they shouldn't do.

OneArt · 03/07/2016 07:38

I don't punish much. I don't remove toys or screen time or pudding / treats. I did use the naughty step when they were toddlers, and I do say things like 'anyone who can't sit nicely and eat their food will have to leave the table'. I'm prepared to follow through, but tbh I hardly ever have to as my DC are generally very well behaved. They're 6, 8 and 10.

nancy75 · 03/07/2016 07:39

The worst behaved children I know are " just expressing them self"

Original poster

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:40

clara- phew- a voice of reason.
Yes exactly what I am trying to discuss.

Have you always adopted this approach?

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wheresthel1ght · 03/07/2016 07:41

Depends on your definition of punish.

Kids do need boundaries and to learn that their actions have consequences. My step kids mum refuses to discipline and also doesn't believe that kids should be told no. As a consequence she has exceptionally selfish and entitled 11 & 13 year olds who are forever in trouble at school and outside for their behaviour.

I refuse to allow it in our house. Until I fell pregnant I ignored it and left it to dp but I refused to have a 2 tier hierarchy. My dd is 2.10 and understands that certain behaviour will not be tolerated - my step kids have also had to learn. It has been significantly harder to teach them and has faced much more back lash.

Punishment in this house equals removal of privileges, time out loss of a treat. It works well for us and as a result the kids schools have also commented on the change and my step son who was bullied at primary school and had no friends at all has seen the bullying all but stop and has a lovely circle of friends.

downright · 03/07/2016 07:41

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Ledkr · 03/07/2016 07:42

What will you do when they are teenagers and they come home hours after curfew, get pissed, mess up at school, bully someone, run up a big phone bill, sit on the internet all night? The list is endless!
I don't punish my five year old but I jolly well do my 14 yr old or she would run amock

claraschu · 03/07/2016 07:42

The goal of discipline is to make kids see that everyone is happier and the world is a better place if they do the right things. The goal of punishment often seems to be to get the kids to realise that parents are more powerful than kids (and hope that kids don't realise that this is ephemeral).

downright · 03/07/2016 07:42

I don't punish my little ones but my teens are! I don't actually think pearly has kids though so it's irrelevant.

WellErrr · 03/07/2016 07:43

I do say things like 'anyone who can't sit nicely and eat their food will have to leave the table'.

But this is a punishment. The expected behaviour is sitting nicely at the table. The punishment for not doing so is being made to leave the table.

It really riles me when people dress something up as something else to sound oh so liberal and modern.

If you're imposing unpleasant consequences on your children for poor behaviour you're punishing them. Which is normal and fine.

228agreenend · 03/07/2016 07:43

Have you read the thread Misunderstood DS which was 'active' yesterday ( can't remember whether whether is aaIabU, chat or under parenting)?

A mother explained how her child was behaved at home, but whilst in the company of others,,misbehaves, to the point that friends are now avoiding them. She never disciplined in public, but explained the consequences of his actions afterwards. Maybe worth a read.

Mama1980 · 03/07/2016 07:43

I don't punish, mine are 18, 8,3 and 2. No naughty step, no time out, no shouting, definately no smacking. Natural consequences, yes but nothing I'd term punishment as such,
My eldest and youngest are mine by adoption and reading/researching excessively this was the approach I decided to take. (Single mum) nothing like time out or naughty step would have worked with my eldest, it would have sent her into a total fear/panic meltdown. I just continued the approach with my others really.

WellErrr · 03/07/2016 07:43

Totally agree downright

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