Does Anyone Else Not Punish?

[pearlylum]

Seems an alien concept some but seems to work for us. I am interested in others who have taken the same approach.

[claraschu]

Yes we have always been like this, nothing else came naturally. I have had moments of trying to be a different kind of parent and it never lasted more than a minute because it wasn't natural for me.

[pearlylum]

What will you do when they are teenagers and they come home hours after curfew, get pissed, mess up at school, bully someone, run up a big phone bill, sit on the internet all night? The list is endless!

This is not an inevitable consequence of not punishing.

[WellErrr]

That wasn't the question. The question was 'what would you DO?'

[VioletBam]

I don't. I've never really considered it before. I choose to discuss things instead. When mine were very small, I suppose I punished them by removing them from places if they were having a tantrum or similar...but I've never said "Right, now you can't go to X place because you did Z"

Or taken something away.

Mine are very good...they are 11 and 8 and their worst behaviour is normal sibling rows...which I deal with by discussing hurtful words when they've calmed down.

Nobody ever hits in our house either.

[Spottytop1]

Children need boundaries and children need to know right from wrong and consequences to their actions.

Discipline is required. Children who are classed as ' just expressing themselves', are actually running around with total disregard for anyone else or others property and an expectation that they should be able to do whatever they like without challenge.

Children need to be taught respect, manners and boundaries. If you class time out or removal of items as punishment then yes I have & my children are respectful, well behaved children/ young adults now.

[VioletBam]

With regards to things which happen when they're teens...ie maybe coming home late or drinking...those things often happen even if you DO bring them up with punishments.

I tend to talk to mine about consequences for them and others which may come about as a result of silliness.

I talk to them about alcohol now...hopefully they'll be sensible but what point would punishing them be if they DO experiment?

[claraschu]

My three kids never did this stuff. I feel like setting myself up as an antagonistic force would create a situation where kids would feel the need to act like this.

[pearlylum]

wellerr- it hasn't happened - are your kids like this?

[claraschu]

Sorry I was commenting on the last post form the OP

[VioletBam]

Spotty yes they need to know right from wrong of course....but consequences come about naturally as a result of bad behaviour.

A teen gets drunk...feels rotten the next day...perhaps acts in a silly fashion which is embarrassing to look back on. THAT is the consequence.

Not me taking away a day trip.

Mine are younger...so for eg. DD had a tantrum and broke a toy...the toy was lost. I discuss how to manage anger with her...she's already learned the consequences.

[pearlylum]

clara- exactly.
It's about respect - both ways.
I am amazed by the hostility on this thread.

[VioletBam]

Spotty also with regard to manners...my children have very nice manners, they know not to run around restaurants...but not because I put them on a naughty step or anything.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Oh lovely! Children who never hear the word no grow up to be such wonderful adults don't they! 😂

I see a 4 yo daily who's parents don't "punish" or use "negative language"- The result is a "spirited" boy who cannot play nicely with others and becomes apoplectic with rage when he isn't allowed to do what he wants to. His parents see this behaviour as him "figuring out natural boundaries for himself". Unfortunately everyone else sees him as a naughty little boy

[pearlylum]

I see overly liberal parents as quite neglectful, Allowing children to run amok
, bully others or be violent and noisy is unacceptable and is doing the child themselves a great disservice.
I am interested in exploring rearing well behaved kids without punishment.

[Spottytop1]

Violet not always - a child snatches a toy from another child and runs off with it - there is no natural consequence and the child has got what it wants at the expense of another child - in that example the child needs the toy taking off them and given back to the child.


A child pushes another child out of the way to go to the front of a queue at a playground - no natural consequence and so intervention to move them to their correct place in the queue is required.


The list could go on of behaviours where there is no natural consequence ...

[BoGrainger]

So if a child breaks their own toy, yes the toy is lost. What happens if it belongs to someone else? I'm interested to know the consequences.

[pearlylum]

Oh lovely! Children who never hear the word no Since when did saying no become a punishment?

[Devilishpyjamas]

Children do need boundaries or they feel very anxious (I've been in the position of no longer being able to set appropriate boundaries for one child & their anxiety rocketed as a consequence).

Boundaries don't have to be set via harsh punishment, but they do need to be set. Different approaches work with different children, you need to be aware of the response. Time out won't work if it either panics/traumatises the child or if they actually quite like it!

[downright]

pearly you are no more amazed by hostility than I am President of the EU.

You post only to generate hostility. As I said, it's dull.

[Imknackeredzzz]

Pearlylum- no punishment- whatever u say!... What a joke

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Depends a lot on the child and the behaviour IME.

DS3 (4) is learning to control his temper and occasionally explodes and hits/kicks his older brothers when they've been goading him. The naughty step is great for him because it takes the heat out of the situation.

DS2 (6) has only ever responded to removal of privileges, anything else is water off a duck's back. So that's the technique I use with him, after clear and repeated warnings of what will happen if the behaviour continues.

DS1 (8) responds really well to reward charts. Punish him and he'll argue and push and make the situation ten times worse, but offer positive reinforcement and he's a changed child.

One size doesn't fit all.

[Artandco]

Natural consequence yes, punishment by naughty steps or similar no

They are very well behaved primary school aged children

I don't remember ever being punished apart from natural consequences either as a child.

[VioletBam]

Spotty if a child snatches a toy which is then removed, then that IS a consequence. Naturally occurring....but it is NOT a punishment which is what we're discussing. The action of removing the toy plus a talking to about why we don't do that is ample.

[longdiling]

I do the discussion and respect of feelings but yes I will use 'punishment' if that doesn't work. I try and make it a natural consequence of whatever the undesired behaviour is if possible. I don't think it's either discussion or punishment for most people, any more than lack of punishment means spoilt brats! Kids need boundaries and to know right from wrong but there are many different ways to teach this. If you can do it gently through discussion only then good luck to you! Keep in mind that different kids respond to different approaches though and what works in your family may not work elsewhere.

[WellErrr]

Still agree downright.