Does Anyone Else Not Punish?

[pearlylum]

Seems an alien concept some but seems to work for us. I am interested in others who have taken the same approach.

[suit2845321oie]

Smug much OP?

[NickyEds]

You see downright that's what I mean about semantics as I would definitely count a slapped hand as punishment. I suppose it would depend on what bad behaviour being 'stepped on' actually entailed but I would say you probably do punish. I also think the expectation of good behaviour is a big deal, I sometimes think I expect too much of my ds as he's still only very little.

[downright]

Oh yes a slapped hand is punishment but I don't count that, as that's not part of my "philosophy" if you see what I mean. More like a mistake.

High expectations is a thing with me.

[downright]

Oh and by "stepped on" I mean taken aside, spoken to, the mum Look.

That type of thing.

[FantasticButtocks]

It's about attitude. The attitudes of and perceptions of adults. It all starts with people asking is he or she a good baby? A baby can be neither good nor bad, it's a baby and does what babies do because it needs to, not because it is good or bad. From there on it is down to us as adults to teach our dcs what is good, bad, right, wrong. The best way to teach good behaviour is to demonstrate it, ie behave well ourselves. If you make sure that your home is a place where people behave with respect towards each other at all times, starting obviously with the way the adults behave towards each other and towards the children, then you can't really go wrong. I have two dcs who are now in their twenties, both respectful, decent delightful people who treat others with compassion, good manners and respect. I can honestly say I never ever punished them for anything. There was never any need.

I'm not sure why you posted about this, but it's a topic very close to my heart. I thank goodness I trained and practised as a Montessori teacher many years before I had my dcs. I learned about treating dcs with respect then. I wouldn't have known otherwise, and may have followed family patterns like many people do without even realising it.

There was an example from Montessori which has always stayed with me. If a guest in your home spills a drink or breaks a glass, you rush to assure them that it's fine, it doesn't matter, can be easily cleared up etc but if a child does something similar, then maybe our reactions are less kind/polite/respectful. I could go on and on about this subject, but am on phone so I won't as not easy typing all these words with one finger!

[pearlylum]

fantasticbuttocks, I so agree with your post. This is how things work in my house too. It's about respect, and the best way to teach respect is by respecting our children. From day one.

[FantasticButtocks]

It is about respecting our children, definitely. And also about respecting ourselves and everybody around us, and showing this to our dcs, so it becomes their normal. I cannot think of a single argument against this.

Many of us were not treated with respect as we grew up, and it would be understandable having learned this way of life if it was our normal and therefore we passed it down to our dcs. So that is why I'm so grateful I learned about this stuff before I had my dcs.

[zoemaguire]

downright, I'm with you! I suspect my kids would probably prefer to be punished sometimes than have to listen to me telling them off. The hard stare/low voice/'That is really bad behaviour, I DO NOT expect to EVER have to tell you not to do that again' type is I find absolutely enough to bring my kids into line. My expectations of behaviour are possibly too high sometimes in fact, I have to remind myself that they are very small still. It's possible to not use punishment and still be pretty strict.

[corythatwas]

On these threads, and we've had a few over the years, I sometimes wonder if there isn't a divide between posters who themselves have had happy childhoods and felt at ease with their parents, and posters who did not.

I am not much of a punisher, and can certainly relate to what Fantastic says about positive attitude, but at the same time I can't say I feel very concerned about those times when I have needed to be strict. Perhaps because I had a happy childhood with kindly parents, but never doubted for a moment that they would be able to enforce any rule that governed my behaviour. In a sense their kindness and strictness seemed to go together; taken together they gave a reassuring sense that somebody was in control.

Also what various posters have said about different things working for different children. It took me a while to work out that ds felt more humiliated by the gentle talk than by an actual punishment; in fact, I still struggle a bit with this after 16 years (why can't he just be reasonable and have the reactions he ought to have???) The talk before the party mentioned by downright would have done the trick with dd but made ds twice as likely to misbehave. Of course you could argue that the embarrassment of the gentle lecture (since it clearly does embarrass him) should be a deterrent, but it doesn't work that way with ds: embarrassment just sends him into a tailspin. You can get a long way with him as long as you help him to avoid losing face. And that basically means a rather mechanical approach, nothing that can be interpreted as emotional.