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Original poster

Does Anyone Else Not Punish?

184 replies

pearlylum · 03/07/2016 07:23

Seems an alien concept some but seems to work for us. I am interested in others who have taken the same approach.

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ChaChaChaCh4nges · 03/07/2016 08:01

I also think that there are some behaviours, particularly from older children who do understand that they're wrong, that are sufficiently bad as to merit more than natural consequences. I'm thinking violence and stealing (I suppose most things that are illegal, actually).

lenibose · 03/07/2016 08:03

Yes I posted on the misunderstood DS thread and was accused by the OP in a comment which was subsequently deleted of having a low IQ. But back to this thread.

I do discipline/punish. Mostly natural consequences. But I have told him off for unacceptable behaviour. I have to say that DS is very compliant and quite calm anyway so these are few and far between. We have some house rules, 'no throwing, no hitting and no shouting.' If he broke these rules I would physically remove him to a 'thinking corner' and sit there while he calmed down. Reminded him of the rules and that was that. I haven't had to discipline as such of late because DS is 4.5 and a raised eyebrow from me tells him that he's about to cross a line and he reels it in.
Terribly embarrassing story. When DS was 2 we walked into Pizza Express for dinner. He began shouting 'I want sushi. No pizza.' Bad enough that my 2 year old was screaming for sushi but worse that he was just screaming. DH and I bundled him up, took him home (screaming). Once inside I took him to his room and sat there while he calmed himself down. Then I reminded him of the 'rules' and that he didn't get sushi because he was shouting and we don't get things when we shout for them. There were a few more 'I want sushi' that followed in the next 30 mins which I either ignored or just said calmly 'you do not get what you want by shouting.' Gave him some sausage and toast for dinner and he went to bed. A few days later when all was calm I had a conversation about the incident and reinforced that we left the restaurant because of his shouting.
I don't smack. I don't use time out but he knows that if he is getting overwrought he needs to go to his room and calm down and Mummy will come up and speak to him.
I have taken toys away when he doesn't play properly or doesn't share.

00100001 · 03/07/2016 08:04

ut of interest, what do you do to teach your children the correct behaviour?

for example, when they were toddlers, I can imagine there was a snatched toy or a tantrum of some sort.

What did you do in those situations?

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 03/07/2016 08:04

My punishments as a child didn't encourage me to not do what I was being punished for. I just got better at not being caught. Until I got older, where I laughed at threats of punishment and just walked out of the door.

I think children can learn respect, manners and boundaries without being punished, although I'm not sure how "do as I say or else you get punished" gets someone to respect you anyway. I wouldn't respect an adult who spoke to me like that.

Eminybob · 03/07/2016 08:06

Pearly you are the only one in the thread being hostile. If you would like a discussion around this then you need to be prepared to engage with people who have differing opinions to you.
I think people are intrigued as to how your style works and have asked you questions around it which you don't seem to want to answer. You only seen to want to engage with those with your same parenting style.

So please enlighten me, how do you discipline your children if you don't use punishment. And I am asking that genuinely as I have a 2 year old and am still looking to find the best style for us.

Artandco · 03/07/2016 08:07

Snatched toy - ask child if they had it first, tell them they didn't if they can't remember, get them to return toy and apologise to child they snatched it off. Then ask child how they would feel if somebody took something off them without asking. Kiss, hug, send them back off to play

Tantrum - explain why they can't have/ can do xyz. Leave them to it

Original poster
pearlylum · 03/07/2016 08:07

emin I can't see where I have been hostile.

And yes i was looking for others who don't punish- the title of the thread made that clear.

OP posts:
Spottytop1 · 03/07/2016 08:09

Taking a toy is not a natural consequence it is an action of an adult in response to a child's behaviour.... It is the removal of something from a child.

A child doing something that results in a broken toy is a natural consequence - that has happened directly as a result of the child's action not other intervention - same as the drinking & hangover.

I do not understand why people like to say they don't discipline/punish their children & then try and change the actions they do to fit with this statement by redefining what the action is.

Any action that occurs from intervention of another is not a natural consequence and there is nothing wrong with an adult intervening, correcting behaviour and disciplining children!

00100001 · 03/07/2016 08:09

violet In your example, I'd disagree that taking the toy away is natural consequence of snatching a toy.
The natural consequence would be the other child;s response (accepting, anger, upset etc)

The parent intervening and teaching the child the correct behaviour is the discipline. As Discipline just means "teach".

The removal of the toy is a punishment (and is possibly part of the teaching) and another consequence of snatching.

They want the toy, the parent is not allowing them to have it because of poor behaviour.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/07/2016 08:09

No, we don't punish. We don't do time time out, or naughty step, and certainly not shouting or physical punishment.

Our children absolutely do have boundaries, and we expect good behaviour and good manners from them - they get loads of attention for good behaviour, so it's positively reinforced.

My BF, who I love dearly, also doesn't punish, but they have a very different approach to parenting from us. Resulting in quite differently behaved kids.

Not punishing isn't necessarily about kids running amok with no boundaries.

Kindness rules in our household, and it always will.

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 03/07/2016 08:10

So what if there's tantrums? Not punishing is not the same as never saying no or always letting a child do what they want.

00100001 · 03/07/2016 08:10

cross post spotty!

Original poster
pearlylum · 03/07/2016 08:10

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads

Yes echos my sentiments. I was smacked as a child. I don't remember it teaching me much except how to be more devious and losing respect for my mother.

OP posts:
Bambooshoots14 · 03/07/2016 08:12

The age of your children is definitely relevant

Views on parenting change as your situation and child changes. I'm sure everyone has a different view about something (screen time etc) when they have a 6 year old rather than a baby

00100001 · 03/07/2016 08:12

So how do you deal with schools that do punish bad behaviour? DO you support them? (for example when they decide your child must lose their break time?

youarenotkiddingme · 03/07/2016 08:15

Natural consequences IMO are another way of desribing ounishment that fits the crime.

Snatch a toy - you give it back (natural consequence but it is punishment as they wanted the toy!)

Commit a crime - arrested/jail/criminal record. (Again that's the natural consequence but it's also punishment as loss of freedom, difficulty in securing some jobs etc)

IMO if a child never receives or sees the consequences for their actions from someone else and is left to learn them totally naturally they fail to learn a natural hierarchy that exists in life.

Vri123 · 03/07/2016 08:15

I make my disapproval known, and I oblige my two (12 & 14) to discuss their behaviour and the consequences on others as well as themselves. And then I tell them what they have to do to help put things right.
Is that punishment? They really don't like it and they generally behave well - everyone says so.

However if that wasn't enough to sort out any problems, then I suppose I'd punish but I am not sure if it would be more effective than being made to take ownership of their own selfish or bad behaviour which really makes them squirm.

exLtEveDallas · 03/07/2016 08:15

DD has not been smacked or naughty stepped but she is punished with natural consequences or sent to her room to 'think about what's happened, work out why mum/dad is upset or angry, decide if you think your actions are good/bad/necessary".

She's had a screen ban once for particularly bad behaviour and has been grounded once for an incident of lying/dangerous behaviour. She's 11 and I have been told countless times how wonderful/polite/well behaved she is.

She had a friend who is never told off or punished. Actually she 'had' a friend. Person by person this girl has lost all her friends - because of her own actions and because parents have discouraged the friendship, stopped sleepovers, and in some cases completely banned the child. They are off to high school this year and I know of two parents that have contacted the school and requested their daughters are put in different tutor groups as they don't want this girl around theirs Sad (I'm just glad DD isn't in her tutor group and the friendship will naturally fade)

flanjabelle · 03/07/2016 08:15

Op can I ask, what actually is your approach if your children misbehave? Do you tell them off at all or is that also a punishment?

I ask because I have found punishments are ineffective with dd. She is on the whole a very well behaved child, and all it usually takes is a firm word and she stops doing something naughty. However there are times when she pushes the boundaries, which is normal, she is only two and I wonder what the best way forward is.

I don't do naughty step, I rarely shout, and I mainly use consequences to reinforce boundaries. Eg, if you throw a toy at someone it will be taken away. However according to views on this thread that is a punishment so I am curious to how behaviour like this is managed without any punishment at all.

Bambooshoots14 · 03/07/2016 08:16

I also think it really depends on the child

Original poster
pearlylum · 03/07/2016 08:16

bamboo my kids are 19 and 16. does that make a difference?

OP posts:
Original poster
pearlylum · 03/07/2016 08:17

And they have never been punished at home or in school.

OP posts:
CatsCantFlyFast · 03/07/2016 08:20

Marking place. I'd like to come back later and ask some questions as I'm intrigued by this.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 03/07/2016 08:20

I discipline but I don't punish.

I did have a 'thinking chair' for DD when she was in year 1 because she went through a phase of being deliberately oppositional and it was causing too much upset for everyone to just ignore it. She refused to get dressed, refused to eat, refused to put her shoes on, screamed and tantrummed... it lasted for about 6 weeks where I applied it consistently and calmly and we've not needed it since.

It was more about giving her the opportunity to calm down and see that by acting co-operatively, we all enjoyed life more. It was about instilling boundaries and appropriate behaviour rather than punishing though.

I don't shout, I don't apply reactionary or heavy handed consequences, I don't smack, I don't humiliate intentionally, I do try to make sure that I achieve the desired outcome whilst not appearing to be The Winner.

I remember someone telling me once that I was very lucky that my children were so well behaved. It's not luck. It's hard work on both sides!

PurpleDaisies · 03/07/2016 08:24

themorning your "thinking chair" sounds remarkably like a naughty step (apart from the name basically identical).