Come and be a Better Parent with us in the Virtual Village

[Letsgoforawalk]

This was originally started by Another Monkey, the virtual village refers to the phrase that 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

You are welcome to vent, to ask for advice or to give us the benefit of your experience. The only thing we all seem to have in common is that we are all either ‘in there’ or have ‘been there’.

Perfection is not the goal, we are more about, as monkey brilliantly put it “choosing one thing to be less crap at at a time”.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child
How to be a Better Parent: No Matter How Badly Your Children Behave or How Busy You Are

Potentially useful websites (useful in quite different ways…..)
www.theorangerhino.com
www.ahaparenting.com
www.renegademothering.com

A wide range of potential sources of advice are listed because all our children are different and no book / technique / tactic will suit every family.

A link to the original thread is shown below, and I think Monkeys OP is worth a read as she sums it all up very well…….

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2002053-Does-anyone-else-want-to-come-and-be-a-better-parent-with-me
wecome

monkey
Shall we start up "micro managers anonymous"?
I too forget until I come on here. I know I do it and it is so important with teenagers to let them work things out for themselves, but I find myself metaphorically stuffing my hand in my mouth trying not to say
"No! Do it like this it will be so much easier" "give it here, I'll do it" and "have you done ABC ? Please do A now and after tea you can do B but C will have to wait until Saturday after you have been to band and have a bit of time"

They should be working all that out for themselves but
A. Can I let them? No
B. Would they? At present evidence of half term they would rather starve and disintegrate in Their own filth than turn off the computer and work out how to feed themselves. And unless I'm totally on the ball with checking what they have / have not done, homework does not get done and detentions ensue

It's getting a balance between 'support and help'when needed, and 'doing their thinking for them'
I try not to worry because I dont think this is unusual for children their age, I was fairly useless too (my mum wrote the micro managers handbook) and now I manage to feed and clothe myself, pay the bills, work, etc. but I want them to be more capable and independent than I was when I left home.

moresnow that's a fantastic achievement about the toilet and your DS1

Sorry to hear you are still not right with your thyroid. It must be difficult to suffer and have the doc say not to treat it, but I can see the logic in that. iIf your own body can sort it out through normal homeostatic mechanisms, that will be preferable to trying to manage it with artificial thyroxine meds and blood tests to check levels. Hope it settles. Are you going back to the specialist again?

Hey everyone sounds like there are a lot of tired people out there struggling with challenging behaviour from DCs. Good luck and hope you get some sleep tonight.

ClairesTravellingCircus that must be super tough with four. I'm struggling with two.

AnotherMonkey yes I feel bad to say it but I do find it easier without DH here! He creates more mess, is one more person to organise / feed / please and DS is less cooperative with me when DH is here. Having said that there are times when DH is here and can take the DCs for a little bit and that is such a relief!

Struggling seems to be how I generally feel. And still in the not enjoying this camp. AnotherMonkey you are right I should remind myself of the positives! And there are lots really. It's just hard when one or both seem to always be screaming, when there's always someone stopping you sleeping and when you've foolishly laid on a bit of extra stress for yourself (ongoing failing house move, I have an exam next week (wtf who thought that was a good idea?????), I have taken on another instrumental student which is exciting and great but stressful as I'm struggling to find the time to plan).

Anyway. Deep breath. :) It's really encouraging and inspiring to read everyone's posts on here as you all go about improving things for yourselves and your families. And it reminds me that it's probably not that bad after all and if I can improve one tiny little thing then that will be great. But if I can't well at least we're surviving ;)

I would love to improve Getting Out of The House and Getting to Bed. Both are so stressful. But maybe that's the way it is with a 22 month and a 4 month old?

Really hope DH got message asking him to pick up some cold white wine!!!!!

MoreSnow that sounds tough having to deal with thyroid on top of everything else! So hard. I hope someone helps you with it soon (((hug!!)))

sorry MoreSnow I realise they've said they WONT help you with thyroid directly but I hope someone can help you cope / manage as things hopefully improve

Hi everyone, how's the weekend going?

Nothing much to report here, ticking along as usual

Hey AnotherMonkey hope you're feeling ok and not as bad as at your previous post.

We are having a wonderful time with teething and a "non specific virus" (according to docs). One of the key features of this nsv seems to be screaming every ten to fifteen minutes. I am chuffed about this because I was worried I was going to get too much sleep as DD has actually stopped cluster feeding all evening and only wakes every few hours now rather than every hour. Also love the way it's totally testing my patience because let's face it, patience is a virtue and there's no way that I would stoop so low as to lose it and shout at a teething / poorly child who is refusing calpol / nurofen / food / sleep / anything that might actually help him feel any better :$

Weekend has been ok in parts and extremely frustrating in others, so about normal!

I've had a bit of a realisation, but don't know what to do about it. In the Buttons book's terms, i think the boys are pressing a control button and I need to lighten up a bit and stop being such a control freak. Trouble is, i don't know how...

Love it

You snooze, you lose...

The weekend has been good overall, even managed to get some stuff organised which has been annoying me for ages, during the day. While DD and DS played together. Nicely.

I hope the nsv is a short one!

Is there a specific thing you find you need to control, blue?

Oh, tootired yes there are few things so aggravating as a poorly child who will not swallow the delicious sweet liquid that just might make them feel better!

I have soooooooooo been there..........
You might be losing patience but it sounds like your sense of humour is hanging on in there

FWIW my medicine refuser hasn't seemed any worse off over the years, we just rely on cool damp flannels instead of paracetamol when temperatures strike, and she has to be stoic about pain. (And is.)

Screaming every 15 mins sounds like an ear infection/ earache to me. Is the DC concerned old enough to tell you where it hurts? Warm hot water bottle to the ear might help? (Unless they have massive temperature, in which case applying heat to the head probably not clever.....)

All fine here, apart from fall out from a sleepover on Friday from DD3 (13) who is clearly tired, unreasonable, craving chocolate. She veers between "GOD! You are all so Stuuuuuupid" slam. Stomp. And "mummy, I'm scared! I keep thinking there is something spooky behind the door and I can't find my teddy."
(Awwwww poor lamb)
many more moods like that and teddy gets it
Happy St David's day!

Ooh, x posts!
blue do you need to join monkey and me in "micro managers anonymous"?

Haha Another - "You snooze, you lose" :D most apt!

And amazing news on DCs playing together! Good work you!

Blue would a sort of cbt style approach help? Here is x trigger, here is y that I usually think / do in response but here is z that I want to start thinking / doing instead. Then fake it til you make it... keep rolling out the response you want even though you're shouting for CONTROL inside, keep doing it, keep doing it until it starts to actually BE your response...? Sorry if suggestion total arse and not helpful for you.

Awwww letsgo poor DD. Did they watch a horror film or something?

I had been wondering about ear ache but as I took DS to gp on Friday and gp did look in his ear I was now kind of assuming it wasn't that. DS says teeth in attempting to say where it hurts (but his language isn't amazing so I can't be confident this is reliable) and he has big old ulcers down his tongue which gp said can come from both teething and from bizarre nsv. Poor little boy :( But that's reassuring re your medicine refuser, thank you.

Teeth pain=sinuses=ears

I could be wrong but it sounds likely. Especially as that is what you are thinking. There may be nothing for GP to see, ear infections usually viral and you just need to sit it out. If you are worried go back.
In the meantime I would prescribe:
Sit child upright on sofa, hot water bottle to ear, good dvd selection, lots of lovely hot squash type drinks, dim lights, hope for sleep....

Oh, micromanagers anonymous sounds just the thing, letsgo and Monkey! Where do I sign up?!

Tootired, yes I think in CBT terms I need to try a behavioural experiment and let go off controlling tiny things to see what happens (i.e. that the world doesn't end, house doesn't fall down!) - it's just knowing where to start...

And teeth/sinuses/ears all seem to link up in terms of causing pain - is it the same nerve or something? - poor boy with the ulcers too.

letsgo - DS1 seems constantly to be scared of non-specific spookiness too. Practically everything seems to lodge in his head, Dr Who, a school book about aliens, you name it.

Thanks Letsgoforawalk and BlueEyeshadow. He is at last showing signs of improving. Another shocking night last night but fingers crossed this eve.

And hope everyone else gets a good night's sleep too!

Blue I too am a bit of a control freak. DH would cross out "bit of a" ;) Could you start on just any old thing? For example, cleaning the bathroom? Or doing the food order? Or...? I've just mentioned two things I've tried to let go of and found hard as other people just don't do it right ;) BUT just pick any old thing for starters. Maybe the very next job on your to do list...

I don't have much time but I'm popping in as I missed this thread last week! We went away (just centre parcs for 4 nights then a youth hostel weekend) and there was no signal at all

Lots of tricky situations. Some I handled well. Some.not so well. Hopefully continuing to show slow signs of improvement.

I am also signing up to micro managers anonymous. My issues are more around what people are doing /not doing than the bathroom as such (though now I type that I'm not so sure). I mean how my dh is not managing the children, how dd is doing something. It's really hectic here mostly with 3 preschoolers on the loose every day all day. I am both dreading school and expecting it to be a break when it's just the dts at home in the day.

I am feeling guilty after another irritable bedtime too. Though I did claw it back and the final bits (story and tucking in) was good and went well. I feel like I just post same old, same old though.
This week's challenge is/has been hard. think I need to restart when we're not away.

Oh, and so glad there's some signs of recovery and normality for your ds tootired

Hi, just want to mark my place I that's OK! Having a tough time with this parenting job at the mo. But need to go to sleep to face another day so will return to read whole thread and introduce myself a bit more.

One question though. Am I the only mother who spends huge amount of time writhing in guilt constantly at the things they do wrong?

Hi change, no you're not!

I do it all the time. I'll shout at them then cry in bed because I feel horrible. I feel guilty that I need a break from them, but they're still small and so in love with me, but I'm just one, and they can't understand that.
Ds had decided he's ready for potty training. I am now working mostly from our bathroom .

Thanks claires. No one tells you about the guilt that comes with being a parent.

Potty training - it's shit. Literally. But the results are well worth it eventually. Good luck!

Dreaming/TooTired - yes, it's behaviour I want to control too, mostly - I mean how the boys interact with each other, how much of their dinner they eat, what order they eat the food in... Or the way they do tasks like tidying up - if I don't micromanage "pick that up, put it away, now pick that up, now put it away" etc it seems like nothing ever happens at all. Or it does, but it takes longer because DS2 wants to use the Octopod as a dumper truck with which to put all the rest of the Octonauts stuff away, or some such... The same with getting dressed in the morning.

Then there's stuff like, when I feel like they're not listening to me, or being rude to me, or another adult, or being rough with other people's children, it makes me feel powerless, so I get screechy, and then feel like I'm losing it even more, and get angry... it's a vicious circle really.

Change - when DS1 was tiny, the HV said to me "babies are machines for making mothers feel guilty"!

Blue I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice as I read your description of situations where you micro manage and all I could think is that of course you need to micro manage those situations! That's how it works! So for me I would probably decide to sign up to doing the micro managing and not feel bad. Having said that you have specifically said you don't want to do the micro managing so that's not very helpful. Sorry.

Change - yes. A lot of guilt. There are times when I don't feel guilty. But really even when I'm not being crabby (are there many such times?!) I feel guilty because: I'm not doing enough to stimulate DD; I've not given DD tummy time; I've not given DS proper focused attention; I've not done enough (any) activities with peers for either of them; I've not... I try not to let myself dwell on this stuff though (I do dwell on the times when I HAVE been in a hump) because that's not productive and actually I am doing my best (even if my best is a bit shit) PLUS AND THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST THINK ANYONE EVER SAID - a psychologist friend said that it's the parents' failings / mistakes that actually give children character strengths. Not sure I can quite explain it as I'm no psychologist but it still seems some comfort.

Hello everyone, can I join in?

I have a DD, 2.10, and DS, coming up to 6mo, and I'm working really hard to be the best parent I can be for them. It's not something that comes completely naturally to me - I am an introvert and tend to get overwhelmed by the sheer full-onness of looking after a toddler and do tend to end the day pretty grumpy and 'touched out'.

Plus the example my parents set is not one I particularly want to repeat. They weren't abusive, but they did smack us and fear and shame were the main 'discipline methods'. Things were pretty inconsistent and chaotic and there was a lot of shouting. They loved us, but I think they just didn't (and still don't) really understand kids. Anyway, I'm digressing...

I can totally relate to the 'trying to be empathic/calm/gentle and then flipping out', the guilt, the micromanaging, all of it.

DH was away this weekend so I had 5 full days in a row with just the 2 of them (DD is in nursery today). I survived, although was getting pretty snappy by yesterday afternoon when he got back. Within half an hour of DH getting home, I was fast asleep on the sofa, so it had obviously taken its toll! Single parents and those whose partners work away, I salute you.