Come and be a Better Parent with us in the Virtual Village

[Letsgoforawalk]

This was originally started by Another Monkey, the virtual village refers to the phrase that 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

You are welcome to vent, to ask for advice or to give us the benefit of your experience. The only thing we all seem to have in common is that we are all either ‘in there’ or have ‘been there’.

Perfection is not the goal, we are more about, as monkey brilliantly put it “choosing one thing to be less crap at at a time”.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child
How to be a Better Parent: No Matter How Badly Your Children Behave or How Busy You Are

Potentially useful websites (useful in quite different ways…..)
//www.theorangerhino.com
//www.ahaparenting.com
//www.renegademothering.com

A wide range of potential sources of advice are listed because all our children are different and no book / technique / tactic will suit every family.

A link to the original thread is shown below, and I think Monkeys OP is worth a read as she sums it all up very well…….

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2002053-Does-anyone-else-want-to-come-and-be-a-better-parent-with-me
wecome

[drspouse]

We may have used the Ipad/Ceebeebies rather a lot yesterday when trying to get our rental flat clear enough for the estate agent to photograph it. It is a one-off thing and prevents total meltdown, I reckon.

Can't help with the 2 am thing, sorry, you're going to hate me but apart from very early on neither of our DCs have had much interest in waking up and playing in the middle of the night. 5.30 am, mind...

[ISaySteadyOn]

Oh, gosh, Dreaming, I am having this trouble today. I just shouted at them for the constant chaos. I love them, but I am so grumpy and tired of never being able to get out anywhere to do anything I need to do. If I prevent one doing something, the other two are doing worse things. I'm always saying 'No! Leave that alone!' and I hate it.

And they watch too much Netflix atm, but if they didn't, I couldn't do the necessary cleaning for the house to be moderately hygienic.

I am also irritable today because DS decided that 2 AM was a good time to wake and play and I didn't really get back to bed until 4 AM or so.

What do you all do in this situation?

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Today I have been fairly grumpy and irritable all day. DD (nearly 5 now) when I said I was sorry I'd been grumpy, I didn't want to be a grumpy, bad mummy said "you're part bad and part good mummy" Motivation to chill out. I know what I want to do; use the "this is not an emergency" mantra and wait and think before I speak. It doesn't seem to materialise in the moment though. I hope it's partly hormonal today.

I couldn't go on holiday with the in laws. I commend you all who've braved it (well, blue and jiggle)

Here's to chilling out and being less irritable with my dc.

[BlueEyeshadow]

We just survived the time away with the ILs too, jiggle. DS1 was very challenging at times, and there were more rows than anyone would have liked, but again there were good times too.

Yesterday I had a lovely day out with the boys, but it seems to have served to highlight all the endless niggling today, and I lost my temper in a thoroughly undignified way when the washing line collapsed on me!

We're going on our proper holiday, just us, on Friday, so hopefully that will do everyone some good.

and for jiggle and Dreaming, and anyone else who's around.

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Oh dear jigglebum. Apart from the illness and husband's family it sounds similar to a 'survival exercise' we had in Scotland in April.

bedtimes are still going okay here but every day I am disappointed in myself for snapping or being generally grumpy and irritable with the dc at least once. When will it stop raining!?!?!

[jigglebum]

Well we survived our holiday but survived is probably about all we did (though DCs did have some good times) The weather was appalling - wet, windy and cold, which when you are by the beach is very disappointing. DH was ill all week and boy did we know it - so I got up with the kids every day whilst he had a lie in, I did all the cooking, organising etc and he was grumpy. We saw a lot of DH's family - who are lovely but meant we only had 2 days to ourselves - 1 of which DH basically stayed in bed for - so all in all - I now need a nice relaxing week in the sun somewhere! (isn't going to happen sadly!)

Today DH wanted to see his parents - I told him after spending the last week with his family I didn't need to spend the whole weekend with them too (we are at a family christening with them tomorrow already) so he has taken the Dcs off leaving me at home. I am meant to be working so best crack on!!

[drspouse]

Oh yes, I'm Jekyll and Hyde mum here too.

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Mine are too feral to brag about on fb. I have done okay at bedtimes as per my challenge but have already got very irritated and told them all off over roughness with pet rat issues. I seem to manage one situation alright then instantly do something I regret in another.

[drspouse]

The most violent 3 year old of my acquaintance (hit another child in the eye aged 2 to get the ball she was playing with) is, according to FB, a master baker. I have also been round to their house when he was eating lots of biscuit dough and throwing it on the floor and sticking it to the walls baking.

[BlueEyeshadow]

We were out with a friend and her DS this afternoon. From FB, you'd get the impression that he is an unnaturally good genius child, so it was quite a relief to find him just as silly and poo-obsessed as our two! Very healthy corrective, I think!!

[drspouse]

PS yeah, I'm not looking forward to when we have 6 week summer holidays to fill. Thankfully I doubt I'll have more than 2 weeks at home with kids, and possibly not even that if we end up taking our main holiday e.g. at Easter, it may just be wall to wall kids clubs for them.

[drspouse]

Our DCs' nursery makes you take 2 weeks' holiday in July or August (which is mad as we can't take our family holiday then so it just messes up DD's settling - they do it to give staff holiday - but DS' main carer is off the whole summer without pay I assume - TA style - and then called in for when they are short handed, so they could easily manage better).

Anyway that two weeks ended today. Phew. They have been to the CM, I've taken some AL, and I've been away with work which included one weekend day working (which I probably won't get back but it meant no childcare that day as DH was at home).

And I have survived... and even enjoyed some of it... though far too much shouting BUT today there was no screaming (by me - DD v clingy after me being away), almost no hitting (mainly due to me intercepting it, so basically doing nothing except be in the room with the two of them watching them like a hawk. We had quite a bit of pushing but as I was there I just picked DD up every time she cried with reason and said nothing to DS), and also a fairly lengthy walk to run and errand and go to the park with no refusals/running off/running in the road.

I'm in shock. And DS did manage to sit at the dining table (i.e. away from DD, not trying to poke her through the stair gate to the kitchen) while I got (pre-prepared cold) dinner on plates and added the last bit. He hardly ate any, but whatever!

[BlueEyeshadow]

What jiggle said about overly idealised visions of how the summer holidays ought to be definitely struck a cord - part of my perfectionist tendencies, I guess! Anyway, that's something to watch out for now...

Summer hols are also hard because of a lack of time alone to recharge my introvert batteries. Going away with MIL and S-FIL tomorrow and will have to make sure I can sneak away to get some space at regular intervals.

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Bedtime challenge is going well for me though. I haven't shouted yet still too traumatised by how completely I lost the plot with dt2 and screamed in his face etc last Friday

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Y Y Y. I want to really enjoy this last summer before any have gone to school but oh, the fighting.

DT2 is being a real pain. He just won't do anything. spoils the other 2 stuff or games with this super irritating smirk. Smacked his grandpa today (who kind of encouraged him to smack his hand then pulled funny faces at the smack to make the boys laugh) but DT2 doesn't know where to stop so it always goes too far- FIL being stupid in the first place but DT2 who ends up getting told he can't smack and moved away. And the playing DH and I off against each other is extreme. Won't get out of the bath for me. DH goes. won't have DH put his clothes on. I go etc etc.etc. The howling and fighting us if we try and not swap is so hard though. I know even writing it he shouldn't rule the roost like this but in reality I think he is a bit.

Still, we had a lovely morning. DH took dt1 for a really long bike ride (8 miles the little tike rode, he's 3 and a quarter, I was both a bit at DH and also impressed) and I took the other two to ride a friend's pony who's offered them to go all summer to ride. They loved it.

If only we could enjoy our time at home too without all the constant referring....

[AnotherMonkey]

Hey jigglebum

blue me toooooo

[BlueEyeshadow]

At the moment it feels like the next six weeks are going to be loooong! Just constant bickering, and I am failing at letting the small stuff go and not trying to control everything. Sigh.

[jigglebum]

Right - I have found you all again after a looong time.. I haven't read all of the last 2 threads but think I may need the hand holding and wise words again to get through the summer holidays! I have visions of how it all should/will be (overly optimistic and romanticised visions of perfect family life) and of course it is not like that at all most of the time and I need to still enjoy it!

Quick recap - I have a 7 yo DS and a 3 and a half yo DD. Both are bright, confident, stubborn, determined children. I yell too much and am cross with them too often but we do have some fun times together and in some ways they are very easy (ie other people think they are delightful as they can be great in company/social situations) but they wind me and each other up a lot and fight a lot, particularly at home. DS has a tendency to want his own way all the time and is rather selfish ie I don't want to do that I want to do this etc etc. Other complication is DH and I don't get on very well (though still together) and he does not seem to enjoy being a parent that much at all, although does dot on DD somewhat. I therefore do 90% of the parenting, as well as 90% of all the domestic stuff and I work 3 days a week, leading to a build up of resentment on my side.

Today was day 2 of the summer hols for us. I had a massive blow up at DS this morning - being horrid to DD and not listening but then he calmed down and the day was alright overall. DD a pain about going to bed, split her water all over her bed etc. DH has been ill for the last week so next to useless and we are off on holiday on Thursday..!

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Checking in here too- I missed out on 2 bedtimes due to other things in was doing so DH did them. One was awful from the sounds of it and he ended up shouting at the dts and threatening removal of treats. But u haven't got cross at bedtimes which is great. However I'm not that positive about it all as I was very tired and germinal yesterday but went absolutely postal with one of the DTs. Absolutely bonkers. scared the other 2 as well. He wouldn't move or help and we were already late for a preschool graduation thing that DD really wanted to go to. Very, very ashamed of how I was screeching in his face and what I said. I have apologised to all dc but still.

so I will try again, starting from now.

[drspouse]

Oh my checking in - haven't had much hitting while getting dressed but I think he's been a bit less tired later in the week plus I've mainly been ignoring him while dressing. He is perfectly able to do it when I'm out of the room!

[BlueEyeshadow]

Thanks for Monkey. Hi to steadyon - welcome aboard!

Yes, the day did improve. This morning was due largely to a massive thunder storm which woke the boys and kept me awake till 1.30 (DH slept through it, grr!), and me waking at 5.30, followed by the boys starting arguing at 5.40!!

Checking in on my challenge for the week - I have found walks home much less stressful (in some ways) when I bite my tongue. It's hard though, and the control freak in me doesn't like it at all!! What I'm still struggling with, is how to step back and not try to solve the problems/apportion blame/ control the situation when the boys are fighting/bickering. Any tips???

[AnotherMonkey]

drspouse I can relate to that. I can talk to my two now about how much I dislike being that mummy, and how frustrating it is when it's the only level of request they respond to. It really does get (a bit) easier as they begin to care what you think and about their place in the family.

steadyon welcome

blue I hope your day got a bit better

[drspouse]

Well, five time outs this morning, three for hitting, one for kicking and one for throwing a spoon at my head when I said I'd read him a story (think he wanted something else), and hitting me very hard. I still have a headache. I screamed really hard. I think I scared him. Banshee style.

I would really like to be able to pitch my "that was WRONG and probably violent and not acceptable" tone of voice correctly. I think I'm probably erring on the "scary" end but anything less just seems to make him laugh.
I'm also not doing very well on consequences for violence. Lots of other stuff IS getting better, very few problems walking places, much improved on holding hands when crossing roads as long as I don't push it at other times (he really doesn't like holding hands) but the baseline of 5 violent incidents before nap time seems about average, probably about the same after nap.
I'm wondering about a sticker chart, but I doubt he can manage even one morning. He does respond well to immediate stickers and immediate praise but this is a longer term negative.

[ISaySteadyOn]

First time posting on this thread, I think, though I have read all of it. I am really trying to be a better mummy and my copy of HTT is falling apart I've read it so many times. I have 3 little ones, DD1 (4.6), DD2 (2.25 y), and DS(15 mo) and I am struggling to meet all their needs.

Dreaming, hope you are feeling better. Yesterday, DD2 almost ran out into the street after her football and a van was coming. I was fast enough and caught her but it was terrifying.

Bertie, when you feel you are late or are going to be late, do you get that can't breathe feeling? I had similar with DD1 yesterday. I'm a SAHM so there wasn't work for me to be late for, but DD1 was late and I really really hate it.

[BlueEyeshadow]

Oh, how scary Dreaming. Glad everyone's ok.

Monkey at toothbrush incident.

What a wise remark, Bertie!

We've had a pretty awful morning so far. Now the trick is going to be not letting it hang over the rest of the day.