Come and be a Better Parent with us in the Virtual Village

[Letsgoforawalk]

This was originally started by Another Monkey, the virtual village refers to the phrase that 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

You are welcome to vent, to ask for advice or to give us the benefit of your experience. The only thing we all seem to have in common is that we are all either ‘in there’ or have ‘been there’.

Perfection is not the goal, we are more about, as monkey brilliantly put it “choosing one thing to be less crap at at a time”.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child
How to be a Better Parent: No Matter How Badly Your Children Behave or How Busy You Are

Potentially useful websites (useful in quite different ways…..)
//www.theorangerhino.com
//www.ahaparenting.com
//www.renegademothering.com

A wide range of potential sources of advice are listed because all our children are different and no book / technique / tactic will suit every family.

A link to the original thread is shown below, and I think Monkeys OP is worth a read as she sums it all up very well…….

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2002053-Does-anyone-else-want-to-come-and-be-a-better-parent-with-me
wecome

[CheekyWeeGandT]

Can I join in? I'm a single parent and juggling 3yo, dog and work, all of which seems to take up a lot of head space, time and energy. If I get overwhelmed / stressed then I am shouty and unfair and end up feeling really really shit. This needs to change so looking forward to this thread.

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

drspouse I think the sibling violence will be a tricky one, I have huge issues every hour, or more like every 5 minutes day with violence. One snatches, the other retaliates with hitting or kicking- or biting for my DT2. For the first 18 months of my dts' lives DD was like the perfect, well-adjusted big sister. Then they got into her stuff, and since then, it has been a constant struggle. Now I couldn't leave the room for more than a minute or so without a fight or struggle of some kind usually. Any 2 of mine do play well together, but all 3 don't. Except rarely, when I have a glimpse of bliss and feel all lovely and content with my 3. Then someone wallops someone else and it's all over

Things that have helped me are focussing on the positive and not over egging the bad too much. You have hurt X and made her cry. Let's check they're ok. I think she's sad shes been pushed over (comfort upset child) And then I move on and try and get both involved together rather than warring. I don't have many helpful tips as mine are all based around all preschool aged children issues. But I definitely got DD on board as my helper as early as I could. Maybe you could ask your DS to watch her while you nip to the loo etc, or give him a job to do in the kitchen istead. I try and trap one of mine on the worksurface while I get meals ready to avoid all 3 getting into a real melee.

letsgo yes. There were tears (mine, of course) and much angst over the decision. I was very swayed by your advice as it matched pretty miuch everyone else's I got on the MN thread I started about the school situation. But I tried to talk DH round; he wasn't convinced. I visited the local school again and it's ok, but just not as welcoming- the Head wasn't really up for letting my September born DD stay in the Reception class as opposed to the reception/year 1 she'd go into due to her age (unless preschool really agreed- but they said she scores highly so not really on board with that- despite them also saying she does no crafting and is very hard to persuade and her file is empty?! no idea what they've scored her on). Anyway, my husband adamantly wanted the other school. She is very happy at the preschool there (and always comes home from their afternoon session for children who put it as their first choice with some craft activity she's done!). Now I cross everything we get in. I have met another mum in the playground who is very fed up of the local school and wishing she'd no chosen it so hopefully I won't regret it every f
day for the next 8 years

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Oh- I meant to say good luck with getting through the assessment process

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

cheeky you'r very welcome here

and reminds me, how exciting about the puppies bertie and letsgo ! That really is exciting and something to look forward to. )if I get pestered into a pet its more likely to be rabbits, guinea pigs or rats! Nothign as cool as a puppy)

[DishesToDoWineFirst]

another PM anytime

[Letsgoforawalk]

Ooh. Rats!
I believe they make great pets for children. Intelligent clean and awake when we are. When dd1 was at uni they had some in a shared student house, a big cage but not at all smelly and she used to take them out and drape them about herself with no problem.
More robust than hamsters and don't die with such depressing regularity. (Or cannibalise their brother as has been witnessed ..... Not good behaviour in a pet, cannibalism....)
Meet here later for a little anniversary party?
?

[AnotherMonkey]

Rats!!

It's our anniversary! What a year.

In part of my deleted and pathetic almost-post of gloom on Monday, I wrote that a year on, not much has changed.

That's complete b*.

I know my children so much better. I know how to keep myself calm (when I remember). I know how to make the day with them workable. I'm not saying it's easy and most importantly, the bit which often trips me up: it doesn't mean the day has to be perfect or even look anything much like I thought my parenting would look.

It's heart wrenching when it goes badly but bloody hell, it's amazing when it goes well.

I have learnt so much this year (and have so far to go) and much of this, and my sanity for sure, is down to the women on this thread.

Here's to you, amazing woman happy anniversary! X




PS rats? really??

[AnotherMonkey]

[Letsgoforawalk]

Plugging rats for sure, but you'll note I've never had them (not as pets anyway...... ) and I'm planning to get a dog!

Oh, dreaming I can't remember but along with my reasons for making a particular school choice I think I said whatever you decide Will Be The Right Decision. Just because that was the decision you made.
"Feels more welcoming" sounds like a very valid reason. If they are both "good" the reasons for preferring one over the other are going to be subtle and a bit marginal, making decisions difficult. (All shall be well x)

monkey you have come so far (()). Well done for starting this
Stick around and have some more with me, sod it lets have . And then more until it's all funny! And then maybe stop because we are grown ups and don't want to have so much that we'd be poorly do we..?

[AnotherMonkey]

Thanks letsgo go on then, you've talked me into it. Cheers!

I love that one of your leading arguments is that they don't eat their siblings makes the kids seem like a whole lot less trouble...

[AnotherMonkey]

(Rats, that is. Can't stop thinking about the rats)

[ClairesTravellingCircus]

Quick one again. While I sit in the dark waiting for dtd to go to sleep.
I've been on the thread from the start, always read, but hard to find, time and focus to write.
It has been very helpful though, even just reading.

children: dd1 (13), dd2(10), dd3(3) ds(3)

We live far from family, dh works long hours and I try to wirk in between juggling nursery/school runs, after school activities and various minor emergencies .

My challenges are: I tend to shout, always have. Struggling to stop.
Also tend to explode over minor things after keeping it in for a while.
Lack of sleep making me grumpy and irritable. The twins still wake up every night at least once each. Then come into my bed. They wriggle and push and I can't sleep.
I get no evenings, as it takes ageeees to get them to sleep, which also makes me irritable. This is when I would normally recharge and relax. Now it feels like I'm a hamster on a wheel all the time. Result is my patience is very thin. And breathe.

Here's to you all amazing women, for inspiring me snd making me feel normal

Ps letsgo you asked about dd1: she's doing well thanks, now has her own room and separate activities from dd2. she's enjoying a bit of independence too. Dd2 on the other hand is in full puberty, and a hormonal wreck (takes after me poor mite). Wish I could give her more support but not sure how.

[TooTiredToThinkOfAUsername]

Oh ClairesTravellingCircus - that exploding after keeping it in for a while sounds familiar (I might actually lose it at the autocorrect on my phone Argh). I suppose there's only so much that someone can take and then there's that final straw...!

Oh and I've changed my username because I felt I had the wrong sort of username.

Well I managed to shout today. Lots. Poor DS cried :( I shouted each time he hurt DD. I shouted when he broke DH's guitar (seriously, does anyone else have such a destructive toddler - in the last month or so he's pulled the screwed in stair gates out of the walls, broken his cot and now snapped the long bit on this guitar not to mention countless books and various other random items), I shouted when he tried to run off in the street... Each of which might be understandable but I feel horrid. And I feel that if I parented him better he wouldn't do these things or at least I'd preempt him!! So that makes it even worse for him to have been shouted at. Illogical I dare say as he is still ONE but that's how I feel.

Also lost it with their nap refusing today. Not shouting though but crying and digging my nails into my legs.

But I had very little sleep last night and I always struggle when extra tired.

ClairesTravellingCircus I ALSO get no evening due to trying to get DD to sleep and it is Totally Doing My Head In. Though with 4 DC your days must be far busier and more hectic than mine.

Wow AnotherMonkey happy anniversary and here's to lots of and thank you for this thread!!!!!

[AnotherMonkey]

TooTired you do sound absolutely knackered :( I wish there was something we could do to help. Do they usually nap? Would it help if you bundled them into the car and drove them around for a bit? The destruction and the tiredness (and the noise) are big irritants for me too, I really sympathise. It's so important to find space in the day for your own downtime, but it's so difficult when they're at that age.

Claires I can't imagine how you're doing it all, you're amazing.

[Chocochick]

Hi everyone! Is there room for another mum struggling with a short fuse and a tendency for losing the plot far too easily?
I have been reading your posts in the last few days and nodding in agreement and recognition at many of the situations that you describe. I have not had a chance to look at the recommended reading material yet but will try to do so soon.
I'm currently a sahm to DS1 (2) and DS2 (3 months). Since being pregnant with DS2, my irritability levels went up a few notches. Plus, DS1 caught pneumonia a week before DS2's arrival and has been ill a few times since which makes life a lot harder, especially with a velcro baby who's a boob monster! I wake up every day with a clear purpose to be more patient and less stressy and I feel that I fail at the first hurdle. I cry, I shout and sometimes throw things around as well as biting my finger really hard to channel my frustrations.
Subsequently, I feel horribly guilty and try to make amends but feel trapped in a vicious circle of angry outbursts and self-loathing. DS1 is generally charming and super energetic with the typical tantrums that come with the territory but when he's ill, he's incredibly clingy and prone to monumental meltdowns which I can't seem to handle very well at all. Plus, since DH has been looking after him whilst I'm with the baby, he's obsessed with Daddy which makes me feel at times like I haven't been there for him as much as I feel I should.
It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way and hope we can all draw encouragement and strength from one another to keep going, one day at a time :-)

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

Happy anniversary all! I'll join you all in a glass of

I do also think it's improved over the last 8 ish months (I'm not sure exactly when I joined but you were up to say 5 or 600 posts on the first thread)- well, I've improved- though not as much as I'd hoped for.

My recent worry is with all the talking through and around emotions etc I am failing to be firm enough and have enough boundaries around unacceptable behaviour. As I've said I struggle with shouting but I don't do punishments or rewards at the minute. DD is pushing boundaries at every step and demanding things in such a rude way (more of the "I'll cry until you do X or get me Y" type stuff) A friend I saw today said she'd literally just nip it in the bud and say no. You really won't get it St all if you speak to me like that. Would you like to try again? I tend to approach it more in the "I know you're frustrated/cross but that can't happen today because of A B and C. Maybe we can talk about it later and see about it in the future ((this particular one was about wanting bunk beds NOW))" . My approach doesn't seem to be affecting the incessant behaving like this. Thia isnt a great example.but my friend has a much more direct and authoritative approach i guess though with less involvement of tslking sometimes! That makes her sound like a know it all, but she really isnt. she doesnt claim to be mother of the uear and is quick to point oit her own issues too! Maybe a more no-nonsense approach is going to lead to greater happiness all round for my dc faster?! It's so hard to know whether to persevere, or change tactic. Whether I also need to reconsider my parenting methods and whether to use some form if punishment/loss of something?!

tootired It sounds terrible like that. I hate the stereotyping of boys and girls but have to admit my boys are far, far more destructive than my DD ever had been. I find it soul destroying. Every day they tip out boxes, get every puzzle box off where they're stored on the troops units we have to throw them on the floor to climb up the units to throw other toys off... sofa cushions off. Constantly climbing or jumping or destroying. stripping beds is another thing they do DD never has. It's so never ending. I do think I've lessened my shouting significantly though not stopped. I have been irritable with them and a bit snappy at times but don't think full on shouted in about 2.5 weeks though so that's big progress for me.

And I quite fancy rats anothermonkey for the reasons letsgo said; they are friendlier and more intelligent than hamsters. Gerbils are very hard to handle. Mice ditto. I like rabbits but an outside pet is way more of a pain to look after- I know it'll be me doing it so I don't much fancy traipsing out in all weathers, then worrying about them and bringing the hutch in (to where as well, no idea where they could go inside practically for freezing winter nights) . This is one I really wish I'd never said we'll think about it to as now the persistent one has her heart totally set on a pet (preferably a rabbit) . As a child I had a rabbit, 2 guinea pigs, a hamster, 4 mice and a pony (my sister added another hamster and another pony and these were all at the same time, so quite a menagerie) so I do kind of want them to have pets and I was never allowed rats!!! I do worry about them being harder to find someone to look after them if we went away though. And why, why did I not immediately say no to a pet as any sane parent would?! especially with no nearby family to have said pet while we went away. Gah.

[BlueEyeshadow]

Waves! Happy Anniversary! Is there any left?!

It's been a long day with travelling, work, bickering children and being out this evening.

Dishes, this from upthread: "Apparently all is normal, we have a bright, stubborn, sensitive lad who is a little younger emotionally but should catch up." sounds very like DS1. We have worried about him being on the spectrum but his teachers think not. We've had some spectacular fallings out in the last couple of days due to transitions/changes and him getting bored/tired/grumpy.

I don't really feel like I'm doing any better. I understand myself better, and I think I'm understanding DS1 a little better, but I don't think I'm any better at handling situations in the heat of the moment. :(

[Letsgoforawalk]

Hic

Hi blue

dreaming it was a vet that recommended rats. And yes, with children and words, sometimes less is more...(alongside quickly decided upon unwavering decisions).
I also have said "I may not always have the time that very moment to explain why I have said 'no' but there is always a good reason and sometimes you just have to trust me". I try and talk later and say, "I have had time to get my thoughts straight and wanted to let you know I said no to xy and z because of ab and c."
Disclaimer: This may not work very well on two year olds

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

I think it sounds like a better approach for my stroppy 4 year old though letsgo

We saw my friend's kittens this morning, who are 2 weeks old on Sunday. Absolutely adorable. She's a lovely gentle mum too and was so good with my lot (she has 11 year old twin dds, one who is autistic, and a 4 year old so no easy ride for her either)

In the heat of a really bad moment I'm not always/usually better blue but the more day to day destruction and arguing I think I'm improving with.

[Letsgoforawalk]

Yes dreaming different things are good at diifferent times (or with different kids) another HTT technique is to give them what they want in fantasy
So for the 'I want a pet and I want it now' demand you might say
"Oh, I know you really want a pet. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we lived at a zoo and you could have any animal you wanted as a pet. What would you choose?"
Child says eg: elephant
"Let's have six, and some rhinoceros too"
The advantage is because it is all fantasy you can all be as silly as you like, it is a good technique for lightening the mood if it all getting a bit angry.
Child requiring supper. Must go slice new and slightly squishy loaf for her.

[ClairesTravellingCircus]

AnotherMonkey
I am so far from amazing, but thanks! If you saw me at bedtime you would know I'm not amazing at all!

Ds has started asking if I'm cross, even when I'm not. I think he's scared/worried I'll be angry with him. That makes me really sad.

[drspouse]

My DS also asks if I'm cross, but actually I think he knows I'm not and wants me to confirm, sometimes, so we can say out loud that we're not.
Sometimes I think he wants an explanation for previous crossness, too. It's not all bad.

[BertieBotts]

Dreaming, you're falling into that really common trap with validating feelings where you start off brilliantly (You really want... you really feel...) but then follow up with an explanation, and that word - BUT! How To Talk and Andrea Nair both caution against this, as they say it makes the child feel like you're totally disregarding their feelings. Andrea's strategy is to literally just swap the but out, and say "You really want bunk beds AND we can't get them today." How To Talk's strategy is to say "You really want bunk beds." and leave it at that, see where it goes. If/when they ask why, then you can give them an explanation. If they say can we get them tomorrow, you say not tomorrow, but I'll think about it in the future.

Also I can't remember if it was on this thread or another one but I read ages ago on MN that sometimes children need more time than adults to think up an answer, whereas we tend to rush to fill silence. If you hear silence, count to 10 mentally before you jump back in. Sometimes they are churning things over.

[Letsgoforawalk]

That might have been me bertie. Excellent bit of advice from a speech therapist, after showing us all the steps between us speaking and them answering ( about 14 I think..) it ws suggested that 10 seconds is a reasonable time to wait after speaking to children to allow them the time to reply.

[BertieBotts]

Ah, well thank you :) I've used it loads. Really handy with my English Language students too! I don't count with them but I give them time to formulate a response and don't feel stressed about it.