Come and be a Better Parent with us in the Virtual Village

[Letsgoforawalk]

This was originally started by Another Monkey, the virtual village refers to the phrase that 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

You are welcome to vent, to ask for advice or to give us the benefit of your experience. The only thing we all seem to have in common is that we are all either ‘in there’ or have ‘been there’.

Perfection is not the goal, we are more about, as monkey brilliantly put it “choosing one thing to be less crap at at a time”.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child
How to be a Better Parent: No Matter How Badly Your Children Behave or How Busy You Are

Potentially useful websites (useful in quite different ways…..)
//www.theorangerhino.com
//www.ahaparenting.com
//www.renegademothering.com

A wide range of potential sources of advice are listed because all our children are different and no book / technique / tactic will suit every family.

A link to the original thread is shown below, and I think Monkeys OP is worth a read as she sums it all up very well…….

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2002053-Does-anyone-else-want-to-come-and-be-a-better-parent-with-me
wecome

[AnotherMonkey]

Hi claires and good luck for this week

bertie I keep meaning to have a look at social stories too.

Hi Hazy

changeyoufucker every time you post your user name cheers me right up! The situation with your DD sounds extremely tough

I've come to believe quite strongly that we are human and our kids need to see that. So I try really hard to respond with integrity (and not just take my whole stressy day out on the people closest to me) but sometimes it's ok for them to know you're upset and pretty mad.

I talk to DS quite a lot now about how much I love him and that even when I'm cross or grumpy I still love him more than words. And that it's ok for all of us to feel cross or grumpy at times and then we make up and it's all part of being a family. If I do think I've been over the top I do similar to letsgo.

And generally making sure they know how important they are to me and how much I love being with them so that hopefully they are secure in that knowledge, even if I'm a bit feisty sometimes

Letsgo, exciting news about the dog!!

[ChangeYouFucker]

Thanks ladies you have made me feel a lot better and I really like the suggestions given. Sometimes it is just someone else reframing how to respond that gives me a little hope!!!

drs - my toddler is a nightmare to get dressed. But what I realise is that he is just trying to build up his independence so I try to give us loads of time to get ready so that I can give him the opportunity to do as much as possible without me getting worked up and anxty at him (there is a theme here with my posts!!!).

[ChangeYouFucker]

Oh and this often does not work due to me not being organised enough!

[drspouse]

DS is the opposite, he'd prefer me to dress him but is very capable of doing it himself.

[BlueEyeshadow]

I've completely failed at not shouting in the last few days. I also feel like a totally rubbish parent because the boys have got some annoyingly non-specific bug where they're clearly not quite right, but not properly ill either, and all I feel is annoyed, rather than sympathetic. DS1 has a perpetual sniff, cough, sniff, cough thing going which drives me up the wall!

[melisma]

Change i had exactly the same situation last week after totally losing it at DS after a morning of him not listening. I agree with PPs that just modelling the apologetic behaviour you'd like to see from them can be really helpful. In our case, it felt like for the next few days he was really testing me- trying to hit/bite and resisting getting dressed, basically giving me back all the bad feeling i gave him by shouting so much. I only felt there was a turning point when i got DH to take baby DD out so I could have an hour alone with DS and when he inevitably tested me again I tried to remember what aha parenting said and tried to respond with empathy "you must be feeling so angry and scared to hit me. You can feel angry but I'm not going to let you hit me". Still got a long way to go but it feels better between us. I've quietly set up a little star chart for myself to get through each day without shouting. I still regularly feel totally lost and am finding this thread so helpful (even though I'm mainly just lurking). Oh and hazy each time you post I think how similar our DSs sound. You described mine to a T in your last post!

[DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep]

blue days like that are so hard though. Whingy children you don't do their 'normal' things with bit who also aren't really ill. The only thing worse is one ill and 2 climbing the walls I think

I have also done badly at bedtime the last few days. In fact yesterday I was so horribly irritable and snappy my dh took over.

Tomorrow I am hoping to catch the preschool teacher at drop off and have a quick informal chat rather than book a meeting. I need luck. Both for the chat and me getting there on time. We were 40 minutes late on Friday (the last time she went) due to her absolutely raging about something not preschool related (she wanted to come into town with me to buy presents for a party the next day. I said fine if she understood I wasn't buying for her..Well..She went postal. We tried some SOS or sigh out slow breathing techniques a friend had recommended which she does with her DD. She hated the idea. Finally calmed down after scrawling it out with a "cross picture". Needless to say the dts and I went to town while she was at preschool after that.). So, I may well need luck to get her there on time. Not my forte anyway.

another my friends ex husband, who's at very bright guy, and a lecturer in philosophy, also says that..Children do need to know you have a limit which can be exceeded. It's ok to lose it and shout sometimes if you apologise afterwards I cling to this hope I try to do the same with mine too, to tell them I love them regardless of what they say or do- or what I say and do

I've forgotten the other posts- except the excitement over letsgos dog!!! Now that is good news. I think it's great your dh is so excited that'd be me in our house

[Letsgoforawalk]

blue
I think we are all there with you! I take a friends kids home and they both are terrible "sniffers"
I said the other week "do you want a tissue?" (Keep a packet in the glove compartment) "no thank you" came the reply.........sniff.........sniffffff.......
"Here! Have a tissue and blow your nose" sez I, waving it at child
"Oh ok" sez child,"mum will tell me off if I go in like this"
"Like what?"
"Sniffing"



Oh the joy of walking with a pre school child......
Some aren't like that though, there are some people out there whose children trot along beside them holding their hand - going in the same direction! They will never understand.

I understand. It's been many years and I remember it well. One minute you are bowling along with your gorgeous baby in a pram/ pushchair, going wherever you choose as fast as you feel like going.

Then, time has passed and suddenly you have a free spirited lead weight that finds hedges, gutters and dog poo infinitely fascinating and will wander in any direction apart from that which you want to go in.
I so understand.

[AnotherMonkey]

drspouse I missed your message earlier.

My boy was EXACTLY the same last year. I reached the point where I started driving to school pick-up instead of walking because it was becoming such a source of tension (there were other factors, such as needing to get to nursery to collect DD, but aaaargh). And I abandoned the expectation that he would get dressed by himself.

A year on, he's much better. He dawdles sometimes but we're walking again. And sometimes, he gets dressed without me (not often!).

I too feel your pain!!

[AnotherMonkey]

dreaming good luck tomorrow x

[drspouse]

Some aren't like that though, there are some people out there whose children trot along beside them holding their hand - going in the same direction! They will never understand.

It's the ones that say "just hold his hand". And the ones that say "what's wrong with him?" when he has sat down on the pavement (less often now thankfully).

I can if absolutely desperate put him in the buggy (which he quite likes) and DD in the sling. But that is a way to becoming completely knackered and I would rather not do it too often (especially as it leads DS to the expectation that he never has to walk anywhere). Walk out and buggy back when tired is fine though at the moment.

[Letsgoforawalk]

drspouse how old is he please? It does get better I promise! Sometimes a clear choice can help such as. "Hold the pushchair handle or hold my hand. You choose!" which gives them a choice but keeps the options to what is acceptable to you and safe.
No easy answers though.

[BertieBotts]

Gah, I have just lost it with DS and scared him :(

He was being annoying/goady/giddy before bed and running in and out rather than doing his teeth and not listening to my growly warnings to go and do it and stop messing around. So I grabbed his toothbrush out of his hand and threw it really hard against the wall :(

It made a loud bang and he was shocked into silence for a moment, which I thought, OK, maybe that was a good thing. But then his face crumpled and he started to cry and I realised I'd scared him :(

What are you supposed to do in those situations? I left it a few seconds and then felt bad so held my arms out for a hug but still felt pissed off so I made him look me in the eyes and I said I'm sorry I scared you. But I also need you to stop doing that wind up behaviour, you know you're doing it, and I have had enough.

He didn't really hold eye contact for the whole thing and then afterwards almost started to get hyper again but didn't, and I said (out loud ) Argh I'm going to have to stop being nice to you.

It so frustrates me when there are things he just does not seem to get. I remember when he was little he used to be frightened if I shouted. And I would stop and apologise and then over time I got used to shouting and so did he. Then the line crossing thing would be that I would properly scream. And feel TERRIBLE. I mean, it only happened two or three times ever, but the last couple of times it was in his face. That's not an okay thing to do, I know it isn't. But the last time I did it, unintentionally, he laughed back. Not a nervous laugh, a full on, WTF was that kind of laugh.

And now I am throwing things. I did it with his favourite toy once and broke it... I still have the tiny part to glue back on, I will probably never get around to it, and he has a new favourite toy right now anyway.

I know that when these things happen, I have failed. I haven't taught anything and I've crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed. But I don't know what to do about it! How do you come back from that and say both - I know I overreacted and was unreasonable and I'm sorry, but also - I fucking NEED you to listen before I get to that point and WHY do you insist on driving me to it?? I mean I must have told him a hundred million times that when it is bedtime, it is bedtime. Go and brush your teeth in the bathroom, not three millimetres from my ear. I don't want to hear you whining about the day being too short, asking inane questions, pretending you have forgotten how to brush your teeth or see you doing an upside down dance at the same time. I DON'T CARE. Just get ready for bed.

I could feel myself getting annoyed and I was trying so hard not to let it spill over but when it does :(

[BertieBotts]

I'm not even really taking responsibility for it am I? Saying stuff like "I need you to listen before I get there, why do you push me to it".

Perhaps I need to re-read when your kids push your buttons.

Feel free to be brutally honest with me BTW guys. I can take it at the moment :)

[drspouse]

Oh that's so hard Bertie. And I think a hug and a sorry will go a long way.

I don't really know what else to advise!

DS was 3 in Jan and I am clinging to the getting better (he has not had a meltdown in the street recently... fingers crossed). He cannot ride his scooter very well (like getting dressed, he says "NO I CAN'T" and if you try to praise him for small steps he says "NO SAY WELL DONE".)

Occasionally clear choices will work but only for about 3 seconds. If we were having a bad morning and I said "hold my hand or the buggy handle" he would choose buggy handle, but then he would stop walking about 10 seconds later even if I kept praising him. He would then either stand stock still (the only option being to physically drag him with the buggy) or flop onto the ground. I know it's partly when he's tired (more often on the way home for example than the way out) and partly when he's got into the habit of doing it on a particular route (walking home from Stay & Play there is a long stretch with a fence where you can see into the nursery playground, and that's his favourite place to stand stock still and not move. He rarely does it closer to home on the same route, even though he is definitely tireder then as it's past the uphill bit).

[BertieBotts]

He is better. MUCH better, than when he was three. It's me who is not :(

I mean granted it happens very very rarely. I don't lose it often. But I feel so awful when I do and then when he fails to act suitably cowed afterwards the rage just returns.

I think it's like, I try SO hard for you, to be gentle, to get it "right", to not react to the grey area stuff when you're just being a kid, to reach out, to set clear limits. And then when he does push me it just gets to that point, and I am scary. It's like I don't really know how to be "scary" in a safe way, if that makes any sense at all - you know how the slightly more old fashioned idea of discipline is that the DC have a little bit of fear. Healthy fear, they say. Respect. I'm not good at doing it like that, and in all honesty I don't want to be. I also don't want to be pushed so hard that I snap, but I do in some way want him to be scared/take notice when I do snap.

I don't feel like it's very constructive but I don't really have a clue how to handle it better. I suppose just be glad that it doesn't happen very often?? Is that too laid back of me?

[HazyShadeOfWinter]

Bertie, I'm sorry you have had a bad day/evening, thought partly glad you've written all that because it sums up how I feel so well, especially tonight. We've had a bad bedtime too, a tough day all round and I know its because I'm tired more than anything else.

Your paragraph about trying to be gentle, not knowing how to be scary in a safe way, wanting them to take notice when you snap...all of that has put into words my own thoughts which I've been too tired and emotional to clarify!

I'm not sure I have good advice, or any advice right now. I want to go to bed soon so I can try and make tomorrow better for me and the DC, but wanted to just write and say thank you for writing my thoughts down for me and for now maybe the best thing is to make peace with yourself for a bit, regroup your emotional strength and then, as you say, re-read buttons (which I'm still waiting for, might just buy on Kobo) and try to build your own resilience a bit. Your DS is 6, iirc, and I think that's still too young for him to be reliably noticing your emotions and regulating his own to support you. (though I regularly feel angry at my 3yo because he can't do this).

Also, what is it about 'healthy fear or respect' that you are uncomfortable with? Not saying I am comfortable with that style of parenting, but I do often think I want DS to respect me and other grown ups with authority. not unquestioning respect, but respect where its due. I think thats a big button/hot thought/whatever for me: that he won't respect those whom he should, such as good teachers, his caring aunts and uncles, me and DH. So interested to hear your thoughts on that, and it might help you to dig out what's triggering you to snap?

[BertieBotts]

I really want to answer that, Hazy, but I'll come back to it if that's okay. Possibly at the weekend, because Thursdays and Fridays are usually write offs for me in terms of tiredness. I'm an hour later you see (in Germany) and a bit emotionally drained and I have work in the morning. Perhaps others might have thoughts in the meantime? I'll definitely be back at some point because it's an interesting discussion for me.

Yes you are totally right that he's too young to be regulating his emotions to support mine. I don't think that's what I want, though, really, it's the forced silliness I have a hard time with. I don't want him to not be bothered if I go too far, either. Hmm.

[HazyShadeOfWinter]

Of course no rush! Go to bed and recharge. Be kind to yourslef. I know that horrible feeling when you scream at them and then realise how hideous it must be from their perspective, but I find that dwelling never helps. You love him. You are doing your best and striving to do better. That is all you can ask of yourself.

[Letsgoforawalk]

Bertie hope you are ok and get a food dinghy sleep
(That is awful chunky finger typing and should read 'good nights sleep' but I left it as is cos I thought it was funny. )
I'm always much more inclined to snap (and surprise myself in doing so) if I've had a drink. Even half a glass of wine is significant.
It is hard. We are human. Tomorrow is another day. Sorry no wise words.

[HazyShadeOfWinter]

Please help. DS up since 5:19, third day of waking up around that time. DH away. I'm exhausted as DS2 also keeps me up at night and DS1 only naps in buggy's so no time to rest in the day. Therefore am being shitty and shout. Already made DS cry

Cos am sad I feel.more likely to snap. Feel I need to get.away and cry/sleep for an hour and start again. But can't. What can I do to reset?

[Letsgoforawalk]

Oh hazy I hope things got better.
I would recommend staying off the computer or phone and if at all possible getting out to a mum and toddler group if you know of one going on anywhere today. There will be people there who know just how you are feeling.

If you can't do that try the park, you will still be knackered but it will reset things to get some fresh air.

Put the radio on in the house If the extra noise doen't cause sensory overload for you, a bit of music always gives me a lift.
It's dull here but I hope it's sunny with you, that can help too. (Not much we can do about that though )

I'll check in later, please tell us how your day went. {{{}}} that's hugs there.
Oh, and a carefully timed Really Good Cup of Coffee can work wonders!

[Letsgoforawalk]

bertie hope things ok this am. I've just re-read my post from last night. I categorically did not in any way mean to imply I thought you'd been drinking!
Learning what circumstances make us more likely to suddenly flip is a useful bit of self knowledge though. (Next homework?) I'll post later with mine if DH lets me have the iPad.

got to shop now or we'll all starve.

[AnotherMonkey]

((((Hazy))) I hope your day is a bit brighter xx

Do anything you can today to give yourself little pockets of easy time - CBeebies while you have a coffee/ nap in pushchair and take the pushchair inside if you can while you relax for a minute/ shameless chocolate/ anything you can think of which will work for your DCs to keep them occupied just for a few minutes peace. A gentle day and the mantra 'this too shall pass'. And early to bed this evening. And .

bertie with regards to the fear stuff...this is my take on it. If your DS is not scared into submission by your shouting, this means that you have succeeded in your own parenting objectives. Your son isn't scared of you because you've consciously parented in a way that achieves this level of security.

The laughter could sometimes be mischievousness and sometimes a misplaced emotion.

So there's no need to worry that this represents a lack of authority. Instead, I would look for the root of the issue and deal with that in future... Why was his silliness reaching crazy-making levels? Does he need a more cast iron bedtime routine? Did he want your attention? Was he tired-hyper? Does he need a specific calm down incentive to look forward to (his favourite programme for the last 15mins before bed if he's ready on time, for example) and work from the inside out.

Aargh have to go - I hope that makes sense!!!