Come and be a Better Parent with us in the Virtual Village

[Letsgoforawalk]

This was originally started by Another Monkey, the virtual village refers to the phrase that 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

You are welcome to vent, to ask for advice or to give us the benefit of your experience. The only thing we all seem to have in common is that we are all either ‘in there’ or have ‘been there’.

Perfection is not the goal, we are more about, as monkey brilliantly put it “choosing one thing to be less crap at at a time”.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child
How to be a Better Parent: No Matter How Badly Your Children Behave or How Busy You Are

Potentially useful websites (useful in quite different ways…..)
www.theorangerhino.com
www.ahaparenting.com
www.renegademothering.com

A wide range of potential sources of advice are listed because all our children are different and no book / technique / tactic will suit every family.

A link to the original thread is shown below, and I think Monkeys OP is worth a read as she sums it all up very well…….

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2002053-Does-anyone-else-want-to-come-and-be-a-better-parent-with-me
wecome

Oh melisma whining drives me crazy too.

DS is just plain noisy and physical, while DD is super-clingy generally at the moment. The lack of space combined with the ongoing noise/minor damage levels really do make it difficult for me to keep calm and poised sometimes I don't need much anymore to recharge, but I still find it difficult just to find a moment of headspace in the day with the two of them. At work I nip to the toilet but I can't even use that trick at home! I LOVE DD cuddles, but sometimes I need two hands and a little physical space.

And the noise. Oh, the noise.

bertie at school, DS basically struggles with the behaviour you described in your DS, plus really specific holes in verbal and contextual understanding (although he's bright as a button in other ways) and social and spatial aspects. And balance and some fine motor skills. He's doing so well at the moment despite this, he's a little star. I just wish he came with a volume control!!

doctorboo you sound in a similar place to us.

Hi all,
I'm still here too. And the same, a bit depressed to post as it seems same old, same old. For example telling them repeatedly we will be gentle with each other in our family;I will not let them hurt each other. Nothing about the violence seems to change. And so on... I have had a tough period where I have been everything I swore I never would. Last few days I was back on an even keel but we are away til Friday and things are strained with the dh and that isn't helping.

The ADHD thing is hard as I think some children (and adults!) are so much more restless than others. ADHD is a declared diagnosis for driver's license and all sorts too so obviously you don't want it if it won't help. Not that I'd need to tell any of you that and I guess it's the grey areas. Sounds like fairly normal behaviour to me but I guess it's about frequency/how they cope in school etc etc. I met some ADHD -diagnosed children (in my old job as a peads physio)and had to read it twice afterwards as I saw no sign of it in the time I spent with the child whereas others.... my goodness. It's obviously a spectrum of sorts in itself and even if it isn't, but they're incredibly active and like it all the time I'd find it so hard to maintain that level of alertness to their behaviour and staying calm with it- all the time. My twins just don't stop much and can't leave things alone. Recent one was totally drawing all over our fabric beige sofas which are only 3 years old. Then one called up to me (sorting laundry upstairs) that they'd done something they shouldn't have (too right; was awful). They, none of them, can sit through a meal without banging of plate/cutlery, putting things in drinks, fishing it put again, pulling faces, making silly noises etc etc etc. That list could go on a lot longer; every meal. I say of my DD "She's only 4 and a half" but the age goes up and the behaviour doesn't change iykwim. I read a thread on here on table manners recently which horrified me as mine are so dreadful compared to what most of the posters said their similar aged children did as standard

So, plodding on here. Tempted to buy Laura Markham's new sibling rivalry book as that is definitely one of my biggest triggers.

OK, tell me if this idea is totally mad.

As you know, we've had some problems getting DS to walk independently (to put it mildly) and to cooperate by standing on the buggy board. He is getting a heck of a lot better and manages most Mondays to ride the buggy board almost all the way to and from the CM, for example (it's about a 15 min walk, he gets to run down the hill as the buggy tips with him on the board for that bit!).

I would much rather he walked independently when it's a short distance and it's just with me, or buggy board with DD in the buggy or in her sling (buckles) if I'm taking her out.

DH and I will both take him places in the buggy that are a bit further if it's just him, and I occasionally still put him in the buggy and DD in the sling for a longer walk when he's going to be really tired e.g. after lunch. DH is willing to "just" carry him but I have put my foot down and won't, even if it's just him and me.

But she's getting heavier and so is he (he's 16.5 kg) and sling plus buggy is really hard work, as is a longer walk with just him in the buggy.

I'm getting to the point now!

I would like to mainly be able to go out when it's just him, without the buggy. For example, we go to his dancing class on a Saturday morning and he's the only participant in a buggy if we have to go somewhere else afterwards, though some younger siblings have buggies. It's awkward taking him in it, with steps etc. and he is of course heavy.

I am considering trying a sling for him again. Would be a back carry in buckles, I could rent one before buying.

I am worried though that this will set him back in the walking/buggy board stakes. I would only be prepared to use it if it was just him, not DD.

Part of me says he's still just a baby and he'd like it, and I wouldn't have to take the buggy out with him, part says it would set us back in the cooperation stakes, and part that he would just be really HEAVY.

To me it doesn't sound mad at all, but that's because I still use my sling with DD when it's more practical. Still on my front, and she has even recently fallen asleep just the same as always, meaning that I've had to walk around with a definite head tilt to accommodate her! She's just 3 and I suspect our sling days are nearing an end, but while it's needed and it works for us I still dig it out from time to time. My only reservation would be the weight of the back carrier - we had one with DS when he was much younger and I couldn't do it, but I would say go for it and rent one. Whatever works.

Hi dreaming I've got a post inspired by your post but haven't had time to write it yet!!

Hi All,

Still here, still plodding along. Things seem slightly better a lot of the time, but then we still have big explosions and stresses.

Working on some of my own issues around control and perfectionism at the moment, and I'm supposed to be working out what a better relationship with the boys (and specifically DS1) would actually look like. It's harder than I imagined!

When I say a back carrier I mean a soft structured carrier - we have a Little Life backpack which DH liked when DS was smaller, but he's too heavy for that. So maybe a Tula or a Kinderpack toddler or preschool size.

Have had a few "stepping on DD" issues today but slightly reduced I feel. To be fair to DS she is very annoying. Have done really well on the early waking this week though.

Sorry for the drive-by post, I've got a 'sleep' question. getting the kids to sleep isn't my forte, and wondered if you had any advice. It's about DS2, as our sleep issues are now ok with DS1-apart from the boys waking each other early and at night as they share a room.

Long ramble:

With DS1 I think I snuggled him to sleep after night wakings until 20+ months when we did CIO, purely to put a stop to the multiple wakings as I was pregnant with DS2 and DH freaked at the thought of DS1 waking up the same amount of times as the newborn.

I was adamant things would be different with DS2 and we had a great first 6 months and then it's been horrible at night since then-daytime has been beautiful though. Now DS3s arrival is around the corner...

So after 8+ months of having to jig him to sleep in my arms, because he stopped self settling, I now pat DS2 to sleep for his one nap in his cot (after a little drink) and it usually takes a couple/few mins and he sleeps with a dummy for 90-120mins.
I pat him to sleep in the evening (after bedtime milk). This can take a couple of mins or much much longer. I don't have to pat for night wakings (anymore) but he still wants a drink most times (down to just a couple oz of water) and for my sanity i leave a bottle with a few oz in it in his cot. I did this because he was waking every couple of hours for months but this last week amazingly, was down to 1 night waking. Last night he woke Every. Single. Hour!! Tonight he's still out for the count at the 3hr mark...I'm hoping he'll sleep until midnight at least...I'm not sure I can go back to getting out of bed several times at this point.

We can't do CIO (due to room share) but I am stumped at how to cut the nighttime drinking and getting him to self settle without it as he screams even when offered his dummy in its place. I mean if he wakes, finds his drink and then dummy he'll go back to sleep by himself, but woe betide if the dummy's hidden under his cover or pillow. Fixable or not??

Try it if you can rent one. The trick with back carriers is to get it really really firm on your hips, so the weight is taken by your pelvis, and then it just feels like a moderately heavy backpack, if that. Quite a nice feeling IMO - and I'm really really weedy! I'm not keen on metal framed carriers.

You know how they say in the bra intervention threads. Tighten it as tight as it will go and then some. Except around your waist, not ribs but if it slips down over your hips, then it's too loose. There is a saying "Ten minutes too tight" which basically accounts for the fact a carrier loosens as you walk and the child settles into place. Expect the first 10 minutes to be uncomfortable. It's a bit of trial and error really.

Blue that sounds like a nice idea. I'll join in with a quick idea and perhaps more when I've given it some thought :)

A better relationship with my DS would look like:

• The conversations we have on the way to/from school, except randomly at any time, not just then.
• When I do something with him, he's interested and engaged, and doesn't barge in and try to take over, or get into a silly spiral. (Hmm, maybe this needs time!)
• We can laugh together often.
• We have some different things we like doing together at home.
• When we need space from each other, or he needs to calm down, he goes to his room himself and does not need to be forced there (lolololoolol)
• To help each other out and generally be able to trust each other.

Most of it's there already, it's just frequency I would like to increase, and it's so so much better than 6 months ago, unrecognisable from a year ago. The frustrating times are the exception now. I have discovered his time limit for activities where we go and do things together, whereas before there was no time limit, it was just a horrible experience in total.

Hang in there! :)

doctorboo - nightlight so he can find the water? Spare dummies?

There are bra intervention threads?
Please enlighten me.....

This is a recent one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2357316-Where-are-the-bra-interveners?msgid=54262464

This is the website some of them set up. Do an advanced search for "bra intervention" in thread titles for the longer ones.

thebetterbracampaign.blogspot.de/p/fitting-advice.html

I love a good bra intervention...

Evening all! I've just been reading back through this thread and the one before it as part of my working out what a better relationship would be like (challenge to myself is to make it realistic/achievable rather than another stick to beat myself up with!!) and have realised that things really have improved over the last year or so.

Very much not perfect, but very much better, so thanks to everyone for the advice, venting space and room to chat. :)

drspouse my twins were 3 in April and I still carry them all (DD 4.5, also weighs about 16.5/17kg) on my back. I use a DreamCarrier or a Boba 3G and vastly prefer this to a buggy- though I do still have a good single, a baby jogger coty mini so I can easily push any. They will go up for a bit, then get down and walk a bit, I find it really reduces the pressure on them to walk and then conversley they walk more willingly (on a good day of course)

doctorboo totally fixable. How old is your DS2 again? We went down from night feeds and 6 night wakings at 26 months to none! though it did take 5 months with my reflux twin.

Saw the dietician today who wants me to get on the job on contacting my DT1's consultant today (though he was discharged in December) as we tried the wean off omeprazole and had no joy at all in February- like, back to vomiting 8 times in 48 hours no joy. He's on a whacking dose too, 10mg/day which is a low adult 'maintenance' dose. I'm worried, we finally have sleep. And eating. And weight gain.

I'll just have one quick wail of 'stoooooooop bloody fighting ' for my dc, and head to bed.

Still haven't decided about the sling but just popped on to say we had an awful morning with DS stepping on and hurting DD deliberately. Two separate occasions, first time I told him off and took DD into another room and shut the door, second time I really lost it with him (and then did the same).
Not proud of myself, feel knackered and sore of throat, no idea how to stop this. He also hit DD at the CM yesterday and has been doing this to other children at nursery, they said he does something loud or waits for attention before doing something he shouldn't, same at the CM, he waited for her to be looking.
At a loss really

Bertie If we didn't already have a gro clock in their room I'd have been down the shops in a desperate flash Poor DS1 inherited my fear of the dark so we've always had some type of low light in the room for him.

Dreaming DS2 is almost 19 months. After my sleep deprived post we had a few blissful nights of one waking which involved a nappy change (he hates a wet bum) and it's been a mixed bag since due to teething, but I'm hopeful we've turned a mini corner.

I'm still trying to cut back on doing all the housework while DS1 is home and get back to enjoying playing games with him instead. The other morning we built Lego together while DS2 napped and it was lovely. I had a cry in the kitchen making their lunch because of how happy it'd made him.

Drspouse my DS1 (4 next month) has started to be very physical with DS2 upsetting him and laughing about it. I'm afraid I'm a shouty bollocker and DS1 does this snigger which sets me off...so no advise, but sending hugs.

Oh boo , I may have had a snivel over that too. I read all these things about enjoying just being with your child and not worrying about the housework, but I find there's so little time for that. Only one of my 3 regularly naps now my dts have just turned 3 and in between getting milk, sorting multiple potty visits, making breakfast, putting a wash on, getting the clothes hung out/ in tumble dryer (which I use too much to save time), clearing breakfast, getting out somewhere or preschool run, the time just seems to go. In terms of 'just being' and playing, just not enough time, or \I can't relax knowing the dishes are still on the table, washing isn't on etc etc. It's tough. And my house is a tip regardless.

Hoping to add some rats as pets for 4 y.o. DD into this mix too

Not having a great day, sigh. DS and I keep winding each other up and then I try and be nice to him and he does something inexplicable again. We put his clothes away together in his room and then he came and shrieked in my ear for no reason. When we made up he came and picked an item off my to do pile (which I'd already asked him not to touch, several times) and asked me if he could try it "just to see that it doesn't work". I sort of exploded then, banged my glass down on my table (spilling coke on my keyboard :( ) and shouted "No! How many times do you have to ask me the same exact question?!"

Gave him his dinner and he blew a raspberry at it. No reason. He likes it, he was happy with it. Just horrible habit I suppose. I would have taken it off him but I was just too overwhelmed to get into another fight.

Hi everyone! Remember me!? I think this is the first time I have posted on thread number three but was a fairly regular poster on threads one and two. Absolutely no time to read through over 300 posts but hope everyone is well and slowly becoming the calmer, happier parent we all set out to be. I still fail miserably most days :( My baby girl is now 7 and a half months old, DS1 is 5yrs 6m and DS2 is 3yrs 10m. Biggest causes of stress in our home is the two boys - they're either the best of friends, and are being silly, so drive us mad. Or they're the worst of enemies, fighting, and so drive us mad. My DD is a poor sleeper and still wakes me up at least twice a night and I'm usually awake from between 5 and 6 most days - and of course, this lack of sleep doesn't help matters. But I've lost it BIG TIME with both boys at some point this week (shouting and screaming like a crazed banshee). More than once, I think. :( The worst thing is, I know when I'm about to lose it, and I can hear myself losing it, but seem completely unable to stop. I feel sick with guilt at how much more my children deserve. I feel like the worst mother in the world on most days :( Every night when they're both asleep, I swear to myself that tomorrow will be a fresh start and that I will be a better mum but I rarely am :(

dreaming and boo it's the same here. For me, getting out is the only real solution to this. I also find DS' prescriptive imaginary play tough. You have to be who he says do what he says say what he says, with MUMMY ALL COMMANDS MUMMY ISSUED AT TOP VOLUME MUMMMYYY, no matter how conscientiously you try to keep up

Basically, as much as I adore them and we do have lots of fun, I'm simply not cut out for an easy time with small children. The daily stuff makes my head zing. I guess that this ties in to what you're saying too, bertie. We haven't got support around us, although we've got some great friends to share the load with, there is rarely any time to just 'be' and I need that.

Hi mandbaby wow can't believe your DD is 7 1/2 months now!

The lack of sleep makes things so tough :( x

Yay! Hello mandbaby :) (Well not yay that you're struggling - yay to see you back :) )

DS is in bed now. Phew!!

mandbaby so lovely to see you again!!!!

I've been wondering how you were doing,and others who've been quiet. (I even stalked the Dogshouse boards last night to see where letsgoforawalk is lurking. Probably actually walking said dog now). I feel that about my children too; that they deserve better, I'm stuffing it all up and I'm a hopeless mother. I feel even worse as I'm a SAHM by choice so, y'know, should be grateful. loads would choose this, I know. And mine are older. But ditto for either best of friends and being really silly or worst enemies and feathers are flying. My DD is 4 years 8 months and dts 3 years 1 month now. I think a bit more sleep will help a lot. I do think overall I am calmer and we'd had 2 really good weeks (for calm parenting,not for and genic children,with a couple of losses of temper at bedtime even so) but when I get into a bad patch it's hard to stop?!

DH was saying today they have no discipline, don't seem to think no means no and need to listen more They were being particularly annoying and he is tired ( because he took them camping in the garden) but still. DT1 was trying to stand on a small chair to wee into the bath,onto his brother

Anyway, I'm tired too and have wine in the fridge so I will be back soon.

bertie those type of things drive me round the twist too. The ask, ask,ask. Some.of that is my own paranoia that boundaries aren't firm enough so they just keep pushing and don't accept my first answer. Hooray he's in bed. Think mine finally asleep. Hence wine time. Stat.

I'm irritated again now :( Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck unendingly with a little brother whose life goal is to wind me up. There are no positives. None. I'm sure there are but right now I can't see them. I just feel like he's out to get me all the time, and nothing works. If I punish him for it, it just gives him more things to get back at me for.

And finding it really hard to reject the behaviour and not the child, too :(