Come and be a better parent in the trenches! Thread 2

[BertieBotts]

Terrible title sorry Next time we'll start the discussion at 900 posts, OK?

Originally started by AnotherMonkey, we are trying to improve our parenting which may include less shouting (www.theorangerhino.com) and positive boundary setting (www.ahaparenting.com), or any other goal you want. If you want to be more authoritative that's a great cause too. No judging of parenting styles allowed, honest critique OK. There is occasionally homework (but really, honest, we're nice and don't care if you want to skip past that bit)

Dumping of emotions/ranting after a bad day also acceptable. The saying "in the trenches" refers mainly to having 2+ under 5 but really any stage which is repetitive, challenging, soul destroying about parenting.

Books recommended so far:
How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
The Happiness Project
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting
The Explosive Child
The Highly Sensitive Child

Please post a little intro/reminder just with your DCs ages/stages and any extra challenges - a couple of us have relocated abroad, that kind of thing.

I need this thread!

DS just started school, nearly 5. DD nearly 2. I really lost it with DS a few days ago after he shouted stupid mummy in my face for the umpteenth time. Not proud of myself for that. I need to be able to remove myself from the situation when it gets that bad. Am going to look at the websites recommended.
DD is just a typical toddler- fiercely independent when it suits her (busy shops/side of the road etc) and clinging round my legs in the house saying 'big cuddle mummy' any time I'm not doing something she wants me to do. Daddy is not an acceptable substitute at any time and it's getting to me.

In the trenches feels appropriate right now!

Thanks, everyone. Your words have really helped.

Just a quick reply from me during my 15 minutes allowed screen time, I wanted to agree with what you said Cranky - the not knowing when baby is going to put in its appearance really is adding to my stress. Every odd movement or twinge and I'm on high alert. I'm really hoping things settle down once it's here.

Hehe yep I have a list of three things too!

heppurn our situations sound very similar - newly 5 and 2 here and exactly as you've described.

DS is in back-to-school meltdown at the moment. We've had full blown, screaming tantrums last night and this morning. Both times it was for behaviour which we can't just let go, but which he kept pushing and pushing (we ignored, commented, gave a clear warning) until we had to give a consequence, at which point he screamed the house down. Last night DD joined in too. It was lovely

The only real way to deal with DS at these times is preventative measures but it's simply not possible to pre-empt everything.

bertie how are you getting on? Any luck with your targets? I'm not getting far with mine but I do have some ideas and I'm going to review at the end of the week to see if I actually manage to do any of it!

Ok I've allocated myself 20 mins before I hit the supermarket. I've been thinking about mandbabes runaway toddler 'game' and it sounds like she isn't the only one to be a victim of this type of two year old "entertainment". I don't have answers but I do have suggestions:

They are playing a game, the object of which is to get mum to run after them. When this starts up you could possibly invent your own game, the object being to come back to Mum. For example, in the front garden you could maybe have 'found' a really interesting insect. Just turn over a stone and go "WOW!" And trust to their curiosity. Take your attention away from them and be really interested in things that you can see where you are.

or
Appeal to their appetite "DS I'm going in now, grandad said he had put some new biscuits in the biscuit tin" in a very matter of fact tone of voice.

or
just something unexpected, become an aeroplane and start flying around. You know what ticks your child's boxes, be daft but take the focus off 'DS come here or else' and make it 'ooh, DSS you are going to really love this'.

Having a reflect on the whole situation before you find yourself in it again might enable you to come up with a plan. Once you have accepted that threats and chasing aren't working you can get creative. It is terribly challenging though, hard to be 'entertaining super mummy ' when you are heavily pg or bf-ing. Good luck

Having said all this, there was a park I just stopped going to when I had two speedy toddlers, it had too many exits and I couldn't chase them both!

I also have new book suggestion which I have found useful in parts but I don't agree with all the statements in it.
how to be a better parent by Cassandra Jardine. She utilises the advice of two child care 'experts' and tries it all out on her family of 5 children. She talks about their tactics and the thinking behind them. It started out as a newspaper column and is not a 'heavy' read. The nice thing is that the two experts have different approaches so it does not suffer from the "follow these rules and you will have perfect children" tendency that some approaches have.
It is very behaviourist but there is lots of sound advice. One of the new people on the thread (sorry can't remember name and if I scroll back I'll lose this post!) was having trouble with mornings, there is a whole chapter on "routines" which covers that.
Beeper gone, sainsburys calling! I'll check in later if DH not at war with goblins.

letsgo - see that is why we need you on this thread - 3 great suggestions there, which I will be trying myself.

DD started preschool today - she was brilliant and had a really good day. I had a good day at work. I did however embarrass both myself and DS by shouting really loudly at him to get him out of the pool. We went swimming after school (school pool). DD was knackered so just had a small swim so I wanted DS to get out a bit earlier too. Gave him a 2 min warning, 1 min warning, then "DS can you get out". He totally ignored me (I was on the pool side). Bit louder - can you get out now. Then shouting - get out the pool. Eventually the lifeguard had to blow the whistle and I shouted v loudly to "get out". So loudly several parents and children jumped. Too much - I should have handled it differently. However, I did then talk quietly and calmly to him about why he needed to listen etc etc but am embarrassed to see those parents now. He is so defiant at the moment, but he does want to do the right thing. He was stressed with himself and shouting at himself once we got home about why does he behave like that etc etc. I should have stayed calm - I must not shout!

Really brief as I need to sort out the constant squabbling. Sigh.

Yesterday, luckily or maybe unluckily- with dh there, one of the dts while having a tantrum about me saying there wasn't time for the playground (said before we left the house to nip and get his medication from the pharmacy at the end of the road) just ignored me and glided straight into the middle of the road on his balance bike. FFS. It was clear, luckily, but no one does the 20mph it should be, more like 4th. He could have been toast And fancy I'd just said how sensible they were. Never trust a 2 year old

I tried to take dd shopping as she's had a growth spurt and outgrown everything and we'd been gone 45 minutes, so basically arrived in the car park, (left dts napping with dh) before he rang to say dt1 was hysterical, please come home. DT1, my most challenging child, will only have me. It's very frustrating. So ended up chivying poor dd round and dashing to the checkout and what I'd hoped might be nice time certainly wasn't for me.

So I'm doing better at less technology but must stop the fb notifications as they tempt me except I don't know how

Distraction ideas are good. usually it tempts 2 of mine back. Never all 3 so far. Typical!

Fighting escalate here. must get off my phone.

Hello to so many new joiners! This thread is hopping!

I can't recall who posted what now, but a few thoughts.

Pregnancy, LATE pregnancy especially, sooo tiring, emotions haywire, hard to cope... Managing a small person while growing another inside you who is nearly ready to pop out, that just can never be easy can it? I say rope in all possible help, cake for breakfast lunch and supper, and screen time all day if that makes the final weeks doable!

We aren't built to do all this alone I don't think. I read somewhere that human females live such a long time after menopause because their assistance with the younger mums (ahem, us!) is so essential. Could be a load of hoo ha though

I know I felt the absence of a maternal helping hand very keenly when DS was younger. It really does take a village. A village of nice non judgy people that don't require entertaining or impressing, who make their own cups of tea, wash the cups, and bring prepared food when they visit.

Safety, where do you start? Is there any moderate middle of the road between letting DC run amok all over the place (and into the road) or being helicopter parent worry wort? I know I'll seem like both on different days to different people. I think it is a real balancing act.

The two times I have briefly lost DS (awful awful feeling) the main thing that worried me was whether he had wandered onto the road. One set of GP have no barrier to the street and I am watchful every second at their house. I've seen them put up wire fencing for other grand children but they never have with us. I know I could ask them to put it up but feel embarrassed, like it would be criticising them somehow or would spotlight me being over protective.

Breast feeding - we had it bad and we had it good. I think that's why I ended up BF till a looong way past 24 12 months. It was so damn hard to get it working - latching issues, screaming/arching, fighting the breast, unpredictable feeding patterns, over supply / under supply, strong letdown, pain, unbelievable pain... Once it finally became enjoyable after months of hard slog no way was I just stopping if DS was happy to keep going. I strongly suspect undiagnosed tongue tie. Didn't read about it until much later alas.

Technology disconnect. Funny, I had already decided to cut our screen time down. I'm not going to go cold turkey though. I'd rather go down gradually. Already cut way down on social media, this is the only place I post anything or check regularly. My smart phone has been lobotomised already so only texts and phone calls there.

But despite loving the extra calm and lack of head chatter I do still freak out about having 'nothing' to do and sometimes worry about being forgotten on FB

When I find myself checking the weather page several times in an hour (legitimate non social media online activity) it is time to find something real worldy to do

Ok, practicalities first. dreaming to stop or amend the notifications on fb go into settings (the cog icon) then about halfway down is a notifications icon, if you go in there you can stop the ones you don't want. I only get notifications on fb page once I've logged in, and I always log out when I'm done as the kids play with my phone.
Also that sounds like a horrible few hours, like dishes said it is difficult to find a middle ground with safety, we all live with and manage risk (I sound like a manager on a risk management training day. I'll stop now. ) it's hard to get it just right. There is more than one "right".
Mine also growing like weeds at the mo, trouble is they don't see shopping with mum as a fun activity. I offer to take them at a weekend .... they say no I'd rather see my mates, play x box etc. then a few days later as I'm leaving the house to go to work, I get told "mum none of my trousers fit, can you go to the shops and get me some?" Short answer...."no"

I love the resolution that we all end our post with what we have done that we are pleased about brilliant idea moresnow

Since my holiday I've been getting up early to do some yoga/stretching before breakfast and now that term has started to get the DCs up in time for a reasonably leisurely start. So far so good (they have only been back 3 days though!)
I realise that sounds terribly worthy and chilled ("yoga before breakfast - pah! I bet she grows her own yogurt too" I can hear you thinking) but the truth is I'm as stiff as a board with some chronic ongoing muscle problems. If I don't look after myself I get back pain and have found that trying to exercise at other times just doesn't happen. I am a 'morning person' and that is when I have both the time and the motivation to do it.
Buzzer has gone, but just have to say
jiggle that swimming pool scenario! oh yes, me too. Been there done that, t shirt etc.....
dishes love the idea that the weather app is "legitimate online non social media activity" I think I feel an acronym coming on. Oh yes..LONSMA!

I have sort of been forced to go cold turkey today with screens... got a text this morning from my friend asking if I can pick up her son as she is ill, I said OK and then thought, oh, I can do better than that and said I'll keep him until after tea. Even though this is the kid who turns DS totally hyper and also is hyper himself when they're together.

Then my phone died. So I was sat in the park watching them which was quite nice and relaxing. We got accosted by a homeless man who I tried to fend off by saying I don't speak German and he got the kids to translate ... grrrr. So had kids telling me "He wants some money for some food. We have some, can we give him some?" and me hissing no, stop talking to him and trying to drag them away. Friend's child asks "Why aren't we allowed to talk to that man?" I just said I'd explain later and hoped they would forget (they have!)

Then took them through the supermarket while they were both on a sugar crash. Quickest dash ever with bribe of chocolate milk held over them, almost knocked over several old ladies. Oh, and kindergarten chose today to give me two huge folders of finger painting they had done.

Got home and after playing nicely for a while DS announces he needs a poo - fine. Then throws hissy fit because he doesn't want to miss out on some imagined treat (choosing a DVD - wow such privilege). OMG. Serious screaming and punching. I ended up banning him from privileges for an entire week because he was just being awful. Even tried to change tack halfway through and use HTT style emotion accepting but it was a lost cause TBH by then.

They are watching a film and I'm going to stick a pizza in the oven. Wish me luck for when I have to cart both of them back on the tram later!

Overall today has been fairly dire. Lots of arguing. DD has done her second 3 hour stint at preschool and just seems exhausted by it again- she's been on the verge of tears and difficult all afternoon. She is 4 on Tuesday. Thank goodness she's 'missed out' on school this year. she's definitely not ready.

bertie that is very impressive. It's a very kind thing to do for your friend too. And fantastic effort, intentional or not with the technology. I didn't do so well. This afternoon at the playground after an aborted wellies buying trip I just needed to escape and sat on fb for 15 minutes. Then realised we'd way exceeded the 5 minutes left I'd stated and hustled them out as it was about 5:15 and I normally do their tea at 5ish and we were quite clearly still in the sandpit at the playground. Beans on toast it was. Again I will de-notifications my phone now at it'll definitely help. I hate the little icon that appears so check it to get rid of it and get drawn in suckered

We go away to northumbria tomorrow for a week in a cottage. I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it now. The 5 days sleeping through dt1 achieved after our sleep consultant programme is instantly back to 3 wakeups a night and not improving after a mere 3 nights at Grandma's the other week- and that's familiar and he loves it. I'm kind of dreading how it'll be on rubbish sleep, especially as dt2 and DD will have to share a room so inevitably keep each other up for ever hours

So from the latter part of the day i can't think of many positives so I'll go for getting us to preschool a mere 15 minutes late (good for me!) on bikes for the dc with no shouting or bad temper at all.

It only got slightly worse. DS announced after dinner "banana bitch". I think I did my first ever successful death glare because he looked slightly worried for a moment and then said rebelliously "I know lots of bad words" but didn't repeat that one or any more! I don't think the friend noticed because TBH they're always making up pretend words so fingers crossed he won't remember it.

I did tell DS some nice things I was proud of on the way home as rereading HTT at the moment and it talks about emphasising the positive and trying not to have too many negative interactions with them which I probably did today. Oh well. I think I survived quite well!

Yes, I don't have notifications on my phone because they annoy me. Just messages because I tend to use it like texting.

"banana bitch" that's brilliant. And random!

Thinking of you all and dropped in to see how everyone is getting on. Have caught up but too...tired....to......type...............!!

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

That's a good tip snow :)

This week, I've been making a big effort with my targets

1. looking after myself

I have... started taking vitamin supplements, booked myself into a weekly fitness class, booked a night out with friends and a babysitter for a night out with DH, booked myself onto a course next month which professionally I've wanted to do for a loooong time (and have given myself permission to stay overnight if I feel like it when the time comes :) ). And me and DH have kept up our wine and DVD nights. Oh, and I've got some gift vouchers which I can use to book a massage and which I'm actually going to use, have sorted out the timing with DH.

1. slow down

I've really made an effort to not try to rush us all through the day quite so much and, if someone does have a meltdown, to try to listen beneath the screaming and really zone in on my gut feeling about what is needed. The technology challenge has been really interesting here too. I crave head space and yet, every minute I get, I fill it with frantic device checking. Would not have realised the extent to which I do that, I don't think, without this thread. Also, I'm working on making sure that they both get guaranteed one-on-one time at the weekend by enrolling them in an activity each on a Sunday morning. And generally just trying to stress and manage less, and enjoy them both.

1. confidence

I've bought a few items of clothing which I've been putting off spending money on for a while (decent jeans, for example). This, and all of the above in fact, has made me feel a bit like when you meet someone familiar you've not seen for a while. The Brene Brown stuff has been in the back of my mind too - the acceptance that it's ok to be vulnerable and that perfection isn't realistic.

This week has been a relatively calm week. I've not been embarrassed by my own rubbish behaviour at any point over the last 6 days and I've actually been quite proud of myself on a couple of occasions. To be fair, I've had more head space than usual as DS back at school and my work will take off again properly in the next couple of weeks, but still. We're on track right now. Fingers crossed it lasts for a while until the next phase of madness begins

How is everyone getting on? I hope weekends are going ok x

PS hope that post doesn't actually come across as smug! I'm a bit over-excited at having lovely things to look forward to...... (3. needs work!!)

Another I like your three targets. Confidence is one of my big issues too and has really helped over the last couple of years. I found when my approach didn't work it really knocked my confidence which probably translated into what I was doing. And looking after yourself is so important and so easy to overlook as "non essential". Forgetting that it IS essential!

MoreSnow I remember reading about something like that years ago. The author called it "the stop and go game" and talked about "playing" it with children all the time at random. The idea is you say go and they have to run as fast as they can and when you say stop they have to stop as fast as they can. The idea is that over time they get it ingrained to stop immediately as soon as they hear the word stop!

Hello to any newbies I've been too exhausted/overwhelmed to welcome!

It's been another totally exhausting day today. I don't know what is UP with DS at the moment! I wanted to go out so packed a picnic and we decided to go to the zoo. The arguments started before we even left. I told everybody to bring a bottle of water, DH said "Oh no I'll just buy a drink there" which I eye rolled at because then of course DS insisted on doing the same thing. Then on the way he had sand in his shoe and I patiently got it out but got screamed at because I'd done it wrong. So gave up on that and let him do it. He was just in this hostile, hyper, live grenade kind of mood all day. We got given a map at the entrance and he was walking around with his nose in the map saying "Let's go and see this!" (on the other side of the park) and not looking at anything that was actually around him. We took the map off him after a while because he was totally obsessed with it, and neither of us were particularly enjoying the zoo because the animals there always look really stressed and sad and it was busy (hard to tell if it's more depressing in the summer where everyone is laughing when the animals are showing really obvious (IMO!) signs of distress at stuff like feeding time being stretched out for the crowd's enjoyment, or in the winter when the tropical animals are too cold and most of them are shut into tiny areas of their living spaces, which are too small anyway) so we thought, huh, DS might as well enjoy it! I managed to get him interested in looking at stuff by saying he could take pictures with my old phone.

Anyway so we stopped for lunch and he was whining and moaning about having to eat a sandwich. About having drunk his juice carton and then not having any water. Opening his juice carton wrong on purpose so it squirted on him and then whining about it. And just in general asking the same questions over and over or doing maddening stuff like licking me, grabbing my arm and "wiping my bogeys on you", putting the strap of my bag in his mouth, putting gross things on his finger and trying to touch me with it. It all culminated when we sat down to watch some music they were playing in the place and DS was doing musical seats so I went and sat by DH. Then of course he insisted I'd stolen his seat and kept trying to kick me off etc. We had to remove him from the area and he was kicking off so badly that I had to get DH to hold him from behind so he couldn't do anything and in the end that helped him to calm down. Not that it stopped the whining/moaning or irritating behaviour. The calm lasted for about 5, 10 minutes and then it came back. On the train home I ended up snapping and going to sit in a different carriage because I couldn't handle any more!

I find this kind of thing so hard. I'm rereading How To Talk at the moment and there's a chapter about roles children get stuck in and the way we see them being the way they act and there was an example about a child whose parents gave him the message "you're a pest" and I could see myself so much in it, it just made me sad. But I find it so hard to know HOW to stop the annoying behaviour, I don't mind repeated questions that much although probably have a tendency to sigh or answer exasperatedly the second third or fourth time. It's the other stuff - it's just so ridiculous I don't know how to stop it. It's the stuff that he'd probably be doing to a sibling if he had one rather than me and that winds me up because it's the kind of thing my sister used to do to me.

Probably should have debriefed at bedtime too but I was so exhausted and still feeling irritated so I didn't, just did the minimum kiss/cuddle/tuck in kind of thing.

Sorry for the essay to say a small thing. I'm feeling grumpy because I'm forever reading about people who enjoy the company of their 3/4/5 year old and it makes me feel shit and grumpy because I've been waiting a really long time to enjoy spending time with him again, it feels, and he always manages to ruin it with this pointless behaviour which enrages me far beyond perspective.

I'm going to try the six points in how to talk - I'll type them up later - but if anybody else has ideas about how to stop annoying but not that serious things let me know!

I'm going to be mostly AWOL this week as we are in holiday in Northumberland. Fairly disastrous start. Huge disagreements packing, much (grown up) bad temper. Plus my turn for a lie in and all i could hear was constant screaming, tantrums, even the calmest, dt2, totally lost it. Dh was not coping welll- i know why, not listening, wanting his own agenda filled (ie quick breakfast pack the car some more), the usual. I ended up coming doen to help with a banging headache in tears as i was so low it all has to be me. the dc were actually nice to me. dd gave me a cuddle, dt2 said he'd read me a book, even dt1 was pleasant. DH just rolled his eyes at me and told me to get a grip, dont cry in front of the dc. DH, who's the one who wanted to go away, nearly said let's just not bother. I'm still getting over a cold like virus with headache and aching and exhaustion which is just not going so I'm struggling. The DTs do not sleep when away from home. I'm feeling very depressed about the fact that 3 nights at my mums and now this seem to have destroyed the nearly 3 months of hard work that had finally, finally led to 5 nights full sleep by DT1. So all in all I'm feeling a bit low. When I should be all pleased and happy and on holiday. Sigh. The poor communication with my DH is an ongoing problem and if I'm honest always has been but never reared it's head like this pre-dc. He's a good man and a good dad (though not that responsive and he is overall a poor listener, to me and dc though has been complimented as a good listener at work ) . Between the dc I got 2.5 hours sleep, nearly by 5:30 am last night. DT1 continues to throw his weight around all the time and spoil everything I do with the others. For example they (dt2 and dd) were really busy and engaged trying to bury a football in the sand today. He didn't want to so was trying to spoil it and kick it out. There was another football available for kicking. He didn't want to do that. Or swap the ball being buried. Or play with me or climb or anything bar ruin their game. It's so hard to manage.

Tonight DH told me off for snapping at dd. We were playing a silly game after the bath and she was putting a towel over my head and I was hamming it up with all the "who's turned the lights off?" then she was pulling it off. You get the gist. Until she is too enthusiastic as of course was getting sillier- I was trying to sneakily brush her hair while she was distracted and hadn't finished so let it carry on. She pulled a handful of my hair at the front quite hard and I totally overreacted. "No don't hurt me, that's not a good game it's really silly" blah blah blah. I know I need to be a bit more grown up about non accidental injuries but I always aquire them and always over react. hmm.

So DH gave me a lie in but other than that I score zero on the homework. Zero on the calm approach with the children. Zero on better relations with DH. Bollocks.

anothermonkey well done to you. I am going to not be downhearted by your progress where mine is shit and take you as an inspiration! That sounds really positive. I think it'd be very easy for it all to go wrong with getting back into the school routine so I say a round of applause for you and

X post bertie That would have totally had me too. My dd gets in moods like that and why her it's me she's tickling/poking/kicking or one of the dts everyone gets irritated and I don't know how to break the cycle. I'm sure I read somewhere that if for example they just can't sit and it's feasible you take them out and get them to eg run up and down the pavement outside a cafe or whatever and then go in again and try to finish the meal calmly. often doesn't work me me though as if I took one they'd all go then undoubtedly all or one refuse to go back and I lose control totally. Some of the ideas I read sound so good in theory but I fail to translate them into practice.

Just to add. I do.enjoy all the dc company if it's 1:1 and there is no time pressure or stress. so basically maybe 20 minutes once a fortnight

The thing is it's often when there is no time pressure or stress, and there is only him. :( I cope better, almost, when there are those things because it's just managing it and I seem to get on okay when I have something to manage but when I want to just enjoy time we have together I can't seem to. Then I tend to feel a mixture of guilt/resentment/irritation/I'm failing as a mother/he's just out to get me/why is it only MY child who does this. Hmm maybe I need to read When your kids push your buttons again

And letting him be active when he's hyper doesn't solve it either. It just doesn't affect the behaviour at all. He's quite active anyway because they're outside all the time at kindergarten, we have never had a car so he's very used to walking and he loves to run at every possible opportunity. Even on the way home when we were all exhausted he elected to run down some stairs into the subway and up again rather than walking along the platform beside it. The only thing that helps is a meltdown and the resulting calm but that doesn't last very long. Actually practically the only thing that helps is TV but argh, that makes me sound awful as well!

I'm going to try every day to think of one moment I had with him which I enjoyed. Thing is, I'm afraid I won't be able to think of one, which is sad, but I'm hoping that perhaps I'm just overlooking the times we do enjoy because this kind of behaviour is so huge (in culmination) to me at the moment.

Thanks dreaming . I try to see holidays as 'building memories' rather than holidays because, let's face it, at our stage they're more endurance test than restful break. It will get easier. It WILL get easier. It's so physical at this stage too, and sleep deprivation is shit. Sod the targets, you must be knackered and you're doing brilliantly.

I have plenty of mad stuff I could write about this week too, but I do feel like I can see a chink of light. I also feel a bit wide-eyed, like I've been frantically digging my way out of quick sand! But I'll take the and share it with you

bertie I think the point about taking his annoying would-be-sibling behaviour out on you is spot on. It's the drip drip effect again, constant low level annoyance which eventually drives you crazy! Zoo and picnic sounds lovely, though.

Hmm, maybe worth a post in "One Child Families"! It's hard because I so want/wanted/still want him to have a sibling although I think even if we had a baby now the age gap will be too large for that normal sibling relationship I know, so every time I see something which links me to "this would be different if he had a sibling" I feel really sad about it. And it seems like everyone I know has more than one child, or their one child is much younger so it's hard to find anybody to relate to the same situation.