slapping or no slapping?

[Vindaloo]

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

I think sometimes we can underestimate how unpredictable children (of whatever age) can be and its natural to doubt ourselves when things aren't going what we'd consider to be swimmingly. What's great for one though isn't for another!!!!! I think its also important that you don't put yourself under too much pressure. You can only be the mum you can be and i bet your lo adores you for it. I found at the beginning I was trying to be that perfect that I was always going to fail and once I realised that and accepted I was going to make mistakes, it was like a massive weight had been lifted. Noone is perfect - adult or child and we have to take life one day, one week and one month at a time. I didn't choose my mn name for no reason!!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!! I've only been signed on for just over a week and have found this site no end of help. Keep your chin up, signed on and using the gym!!!

Ta! countto10

I think it took me a long time to get over that i was not as chilled out as i thought i would be as a mum and yes putting yourself under pressure does not help. I have recently just got over a post viral fatique syndrome that lasted over 6 months, that was hard for to deal with as i was a workaholic, thrived on stress and basically just got burnt out. I suppose trying to adjust to a different speed has been difficult to accept.

I totally understand where you're coming from with the change in pace thing. You need to be kind to yourself - you're a person too as well as a mother. I hope some of the advice on here has been helpful and that it makes things a little easier over the next couple of weeks. I will keep an eye out and expect to hear about how you;re getting on!!!!!!!

I can undersand that completly, i was a busy career woman before dd1 & 2, and i was not known to suffer fools. So unpredictable little ones was and is a challenge. Hope you find a system that works for you.

Vindaloo, I hope you haven't been hurt by anything I've said here. I think you are a fab mum and the fact you don't feel happy and want to get some ideas on doing things differently proves that. Very recently I was on here asking for advice re my dd2 as she is physically quite reckless and is always chucking herself off the soaf or climbing up to the highest windowsill. I'd never smack her but she's not the right temperament for time out or sticker charts. I've realised that distraction works best with her. And I second Countto10's idea about planning. We have a huge basket full of tissue paper and pritt sticks, and bottles of paint which we pour into old yoghurt pots. I put a split bin liner on the kitchen table and away dd1 & 2 go. DD1 is 4 and dd2 is 2. We also have water play, in the garden or in the bath. Bubbles for blowing are great too. I can honestly say I've never had any aggression from our dds (although dd1 can be cheeky) - maybe it will be different with ds but he's only 3 mo so can't tell yet! If they start climbing the walls I get them outside - the weather doesn't matter unless they have temperatures.

HTH

I think part of the reason it became a debate is that vindaloo you asked looking for alternatives and there was the people out there that said keep smacking it's fine and as you were looking for alternaives it became a bit of a debate.
I am afraid that is what happens when you bring in an emotive subject like this. People have strong feelings about how they parent and on forums a subject like this will always bring out debate.

Vindaloo, I haven't been here that long either but I have already seen a few threads on this topic and it is ALWAYS a topic that cooks up a storm. It's one of those things that people feel very strongly about and everyone has an opinion on. The other 2 topics that seem to come up regularly and get a similar reaction are extended breast-feeding and kids eating junk food. (So you've been warned, ok?!).

Good idea to join a gym and do something for yourself. I find when I have some hobbies/activities, some kind of stress-free enclaves in my life seperate from mothering, it gives me so much more energy for dd. Non-stop mothering can be a real slog and of course it's easy to lose it with a 2 year old. I remember dd smashing her head against mine with regularity and it was not a delight. I really pity mums out and about when their kids throw a tantrum, lie down on the floor and scream. I don't know what job could be harder than being a mother of a 2 year old.

Just wait til you see a thread on non-religious circumcision!

sleepysooz & vindaloo, I have used so many different techniques with my children to gain their respect & to get them to do what I say.
With really young children, distraction works well. For really serious issues like touching dangerous things. I would say "No" in a very strong clear voice & then I would get right down to their level & say "no" again & very briefly explain why not: "its hot, bad, dangerous". No long discussion - just a few words. If the offence was immediately repeated, I would issue a clear warning: "if you do that again, I will put you on door mat, in garden, sitting on step - whatever you choose" but again I would lower myself right to their level and use a very firm voice. If the offence was repeated, then the sanction would be immediately carried out.
For running out into the road, I would always use the threat of wearing reins, which both of mine hated.
I always carried through my threats & still do. My children know without a shadow of a doubt that if I say to them that I will do something - I really will do it.
I am also a great believer in praise. When DS was at his most horrific sometimes the only thing I could praise him for was drinking his juice nicely - but it helped. They want to be told they are good & they want attention that isn't always telling them off.
I have also used sticker charts to break a pattern of behaviour that we seem to have got stuck in. I don't think they have any long-term validity but they can be useful to get you out of a rut.
There are so many fantastic positive techniques you can use to get the respect of your children without ever needing to hit them. I have used nearly everything that you see on House of Tiny Tearaways. You do have to be consistent though & you have to plug away at it.

Thanks Bugsy2 I will bear those comments in mind, when you have 1 twin doing one thing naughty and the other doing another, I need eyes out the back of my head, its easy in theory but find I can't help yelling then my eldest buts in tries to help (but a little rough) so end up yelling at all three of them, making me feel rubbish, I am an old woman with too many children, who didn't know what to do.

My ds2 will not sit on naughty step, makes him worse, I have seen tiny tearaways, and noted they hold a toddler on beanbag, (have to try that)

I can see it all so clearly, just hard to put in practice.

My DS wouldn't sit on a naughty step, mat or anything like that either, so I used to put him out in the garden. Mid winter I'd have his coat & wellies by the back door so that there was no faffing around! I remember occasions when by 8.30am, he would have been out in the garden 5 or 6 times.
DD has been so much easier, I can easily understand how parents of biddable children wonder what the hell some of us are doing wrong!!!
In a strange, bizzare way I'm glad that DS was very difficult because it really forced me to find ways to deal with him & I when he behaves well now, I feel a real glow of achievement! (Quick smug-mum moment )

You deserve a smug moment once in a while, Bugs. It's all too clear that you do great by your kids.

Bugsy, to be honest I can't see how punnishing a child by putting them out of the house or out of a room , can ever be considered to be alright. In my opinion it is a horrible thing to do to someone. How is this is ok when a quick smack is not is beyond me.

Kitty I wish i had your kids because I have tried everything and i mean everything and mine still draw on the walls, laugh when I put them on the step etc. I used to be in charge of 60 IT contractors so am used to dealing with children and still most days end with me screaming blue murder. I am just about ready to give smacking a try.

Angela, believe me my walls are drawn on, my kids fight etc. etc. Am not saying anyone should or shouldn't do this or that.
I am all for letting each person decide what is right for them, their circumstances and their particular type of children.
My children vary from those who very rarly needing to be told off to those who come up against the boundaries every single day.
The anti smacking brigade have annoyed me NOT because they are anti smacking as such but because they spout of in holier than thou attitude when faced with people who chose to smack.
In my opinion many of the discipline methods described here amount to psychological abuse and I consider them to be far worse than a quick smack.
It is my experience that nothing is as effective as a smack when the chips are really down. Not stickers, charts, pleading, shouting, getting down on their level etc. etc. etc.
I do not smack often and I very rarely smack in temper ( sorry I'm human).
I'm fed up with all these so called experts making parents feel rubbish with their T.V progs. books etc. Their's is merely the opinion of the time, nothing more, it is only a particular child rearing fashion. In a few years it will seem very out dated. When we are grandparents our children will have very different ideas to us, just as we have different ideas to our mothers.

Angela if you want to smack then you do it !!! But do it with your OWN blessing. Don't ever feel bad and don't ever feel you have to justify your parenting choices to anyone.

"psychological abuse", what a ridiculous allegation. Who is being insulting and trynig to make other parents feel bad about their choices?

What a lot of rubbish you talk, kitty.

Fancy seeing you here, Greeny.

Hello my dear

Now what is a nice girl like you doing on a thread like this?

Here we are again ... Pease don't start the war again. It doesn't help anyone of us
Re going down to their level, I have noticed that if I am doing that with ds1 when I am really upset with him, he won't look at me. It just doesn't work. But if I managed to calm down a bit and repeat the same then he will look at me and what I am telling is sinking in.
Can someone tells me what they are doing when they ahve gone throught all the techniques they can think of AND it dosn't work / child is still misbehaving...?

Merely my opinion. You think it is ok to exclude a child, I think that's wrong. So what?
I maintain greensleeves, that I have not yet said that anyone's methods are rubbish.
I think it is wrong of you to try and make anyone feel bad because they do not chose your parenting methods. I say again. Your way is only one way. It is not right it is not wrong. I don't like it but you have the right to do it without retribution.
If Angela wants to try smacking then let her try. Who are you to say she shouldn't?
To my mind this discusion hasn't anything to do with smacking or not smacking it is to do with not allowing people to have thir own opinions on things.
I will carry on saying what I believe. My only reference to other people will be when they start attacking me and getting personal.

Youknowwhat I smack of course. Works every time.

youknowwhat, this may not be popular, but what I do at that point is step back, and have a hard look at the bigger picture.
IME, there is usually something at the root of the behaviour that I have missed - and if the behaviour isn't responding to something as simple as a clear boundary being set (however you set it), then something is up. And if I focus on that something (whatever it is) the behaviour has, I swear, melted away from whence it came.
The hard part is figuring out the 'something'...have found MN very helpful on that one, and RL friends, and dh, when I can't see it myself.

Sorry if that sounded smug or oversimple, I'm talking about a not quite three year old here - though I hope and trust it holds true for all ages, I don't have the experience yet. And I definitely don't find it easy...