slapping or no slapping?

[Vindaloo]

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

Hasven't read the thread because it's yet another smacking debate, but FFS, get a life. This is not directed at the orginal poster because she has reasons to post but I know how it will go. Everyone will suggest different way to do things (yes, trying to be helpful) but FFS she's human. Everyone ( and I feel a debate coming on here,) everyone has felt like smacking their kids/screaming at them/wishing they'd never had them. HOw many more threads do we need about "smacking etc" . God, look there's different courses for different horses. Glass houses etc. No-one wants to smack their kids but it happens. Holier than thous just make me sick. Walk a day in someone else's shoes and I bet all those nonsmackers/explain it to them carefully have never been in the pits of whatever and just snapped. And so f--ng what if they have. I was smacked as a child and I am a perfectly rounded human being. Yes, I vaugely remember it but that was life then. If more kids these days had any (any rememeber I said any, not smacking etc) kind of discipline we would haven't the obnoxious brat cultre we live in. I have told my kids recently that Nana (who is now not here) would have been ashamed of their bickering. selfish lifestyle and I meant it. See, I am doing the guilty parent stuff but hey, it's not me. The kids these days are not told "NO" enough and until that hapens we have crappy school stuff, graffiti, parent abuse (that's being rude, not respecting your parents and being mouthy) and total disregard for the law. Because they can and they know it. I have had my kids tell me they'll contact Childline for shouting at them, stopping pocket money etc. They'll tell school I smacked them? WTF- kids need to know we are in charge. When they're adults, they can tell others what to do, not now.Sorry, but the time we spend feeling guilty abvout the bad stuff we could use maybe spending time on ourselves (remeber that?) or our partners. I have had so many rows with my DH about parenting skills/techniques/should we have done that/this? that God knows how we managed to have four kids. I avidly watch parenting programmes and and my DH rolls his eyes, saying things like "Oh, the let's make adequate parents feel inferior/crap parents etc programme". He's right, to some extent they help but OMG they make you feel crap.Being a parent is like taking A levels without tuition. You can get the worst results or the best but it depends how much help you have and which college you go to. If you're in the really bad coleege area, theny you'll have bad results but if you're in the posh area, stands a chance at getting brilliant results.

Thank you Jollymum - one of the few posts that has made any sense on this thread!!! I've read this with amazement in the way it has been totally hijacked and the original issues felt by the owner totally ignored and if anything made worse by reading some of these posts!!!!

We all have our moments and I started to read this thread to get some good tips on how to avoid those flashpoints as we seem to be having a lot of them here at the moment!!! This thread was never meant to be about 'smacking: yes or no?' this was about someone reaching out because they were struggling and needed someone to tell them it was ok and offer some advice and support. Want a debate about smacking, go elsewhere!!!!

I was trying to clarify VVV but my bl**dy pooter keeps crashing and loosing my posts!
Ok..... children shouldn't question their parents because they don't know as much; they haven't been on the planet as long you see. That's not to say that they shouldn't ask questions generally, just that they shouldn't question parental authority.

You're right to say that not being 'friends' with your children doesn't imply that there's no love and affection. I find that parents who try to be friends with their children lose parental authority and are less effective parents as a result.

As a general aside I can't see why it should be an issue as to whether we have strayed from the point raised by the OP. As with any natural discussion it moves and changes direction and that is what makes it interesting. Nor do I see the worth in calling for it to stop.
We are adults having a discussion. We are able to chose to take part or not, defend ourselves and put our points of view forward.

Horray for jollymum

well said jollymum!

Vindaloo, are you still there babe? I think your OP is really interesting, and you are clearly a good and loving mother as you are asking for advice about a parenting issue that deeply concerns you. I'm not going to enter the smacking / not smacking debate, but wanted you to know that I too find my children very frustrating at times, and I have the advantages that they are out of their 'terrible twos' and I have a partner to support me. I hope you have found some useful and supportive advice in all these posts. Take care.

Right, thats what I thought you meant about authority. It was just a little unclear from your post.

I still dont know what you mean about the "friends" bit. Because love and affection is as important as discipline, obviously. So, in what context, or a for instance, would you consider a parent acting like a friend to their child? Are you talking parents of teenagers here?

star charts, stickers and removing toys and earning them back always seems to work well with toddlers.

when you can feel yourself getting angry count to ten and calm yourself down or remove yourself from the situation by walking away and stopping in another room until you feel you are calm enough to deal with it.

also distract them away from the tantrum or just ignore the behaviour as long as it is not dangerous.

jollymum, love your post, especially the end about spending so long talking about parenting with your dh. Rings a bell with me.
Again, this thread ended up as war beetwen the ones pro and against smacking. Everyboddy seems to forget that 70% of parents have smacked their child - that's the childern saying so - so is it really necessary to make 70% of the parents feling guilty AGAIN and tell them that they have failed their child AGAIN.
I actually think that by saying to parents that they are not allowed to smack their child, we have remove a discipline tool wo replacing it with another one that has the same impact on the child behaviour. Now I do have a question for the parents who are not using smackng as discipline tool. What do you do when you are at your wist end, your child has been naughty, violent... for hours and nothing, absolutely nothingelse has worked?
NB The answer 'that would not have happened to me because blablab' is not acceptable. We all have been in that situation, the difference is that some children are easier than other so it doesn't happen as often.
Please tell me. I would like to learn 'from the best'.

Oups, took me too long to type and there is a lot more on the thread now...

VVV I think think of parents tryng to be friends as those who are constantly trying to ingratiate themselves with their children. They try and be buddies with them instead of acting in a parental role.
With teenagers I think it is important that they feel that they can talk to their parents about issues that worry and bother them. It is also important that they feel that their parents are there very much in a supportive, solid authority role at a time when they ( teenagers) feel particularly confused and vunerable and need to know that there is something reliable and consistent in their lives.

Vindaloo, can you imagine our parents quoting the "anger managemnt" issues. No-one had heard of this before someone invented it. You are on own and it's hard. It's hard enough with a partner to yell at, he comes home and gets the grief that you would normally take out on the kids. Being a mum is hard (or a single dad) and you are not in the wrong. Who the hell told you it was wrong to do this or that? Some HV or friend or the TV programmes? You know yourself what's right/wrong without being extreme. If you were a crap mum why would you be on here worrying about your child? You probably need time out/time for someone to tell you you're a great mum. If someone tells you something enough times, it will sink in. I teach kids, kids love me and my own kids sometimes hate me amd I hate them. Yes, hate is a bad word but you're stuck with them and they really hurt you sometimes. The words fade but that thing they said never really goes. I wish I could take back every evil teen word I said to my mum (20 yrs gone this Sept) and just hug her.There are really bad people that have chidren and they deserve to have them taken away and given to people that want them. You are not one of those people, so look at the situation not you. Give yourself time, if you can, shut the door and cry but give yourself space and time to be you, not Mummy. Let the feelings out about your ex and relocate the anger into something else not your nagging kids. Can you have an hour a week somewhere else? Anyone else at all to help out? Maybe try kickboxing for an hour a week? Keep talking because MN is brilliant

Right, that makes much more sense kitty! Ta.

No probs

Have read thread briefly, but totally agree wth Kitywits, I was hit as a child, and have grown up to be a respectful human being, I think I deserved the smacks half the time cos I was a little bitch and pushed mam and dad to the edge. dd is 7 mnth and would like to think I will not resort to smacking, but we will see! As for police hitting the thugs around the head,I wish they had done this for some of the idiots arpund my village as I feel like doing it myself. Political correctness gone mad, human right gone mad, teachers and policeman are no longer respected and look at the state of the bloddy country, its time our little dd and ds learned some respect for adults.

Vindaloo, hope you're still here. I would never ever tell anyone how to parent a child because every child and every parent is different.
xxxxxxx

Jollymum, there si another threadgoing at the mo from an exasperated mum having discipline probs. I was going to suggest the occasional smack, but couldn't face it. You seem to have lots of good ideas. Why don't you have a look in?

Blimey!! I ogged on today as I do every evening about this time. I started to go through the threads. got confused, angry, upset made to feel more guilty and had to go back to my original message to remind myself what I was reaching out for.

Personally I am not particularly interested in indivuals opinions on smacking, (as ofcourse this just opens up a can of worms) I wanted HELP on what I can do to help my situation. Thanks to those that gave me some ideas and Jollymum thanks for your message, well said (there were loads of others that made me feel better but I would be here all day to name you.

PLEASE KEEP POSTING ME HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS & NO OPINIONS, I DONT NEED TO BE MADE FEEL GUILTY. X

Oops, i meant logged on...

Glad to see you're still here!!! I do feel for you cause I know how it can get and I'm not even on my own. I find sometimes things just get on top of you. Something I've started doing and seems to be working is a lot of planning. I plan activities that we are going to do when I get in from work so that I know whats coming as much as ds, that way i feel a bit more in control. My lo is just under 2 so we do things like make cakes, paint/draw, play tea parties - that kind of thing but i set time out specifically for us to sit and do stuff together. Other afternoons we go out and do stuff. If he's left just to make his own fun or i make it clear I'm trying to do other stuff that doesn't include him he goes on rampage and thats when things start to disintegrate. I find for me its about recognising what causes the flashpoints and trying to avoid them happening. Just keep hanging in there. Like so many have said, you are obviously a caring mum and you are doing your best.

Well Said, Quite Right.
If it were me- I would ask some friends of older children for their advice. You could ask HV or sure start staff for help, I am pretty sure No one will report you to social services, if you think they might, then just tell them you are having trouble disciplining your child and would like some advice. There is a notice in my sure start building which asks parents not to smack children there but to ask for help for an alternative. This must be an issue for a lot of parents, at least you are willing to ask for help. Do NOT feel guilty, you love your child and want the best for them, you are only being honest. I have dd 7 months old and have felt on just a few occasions like doing something, but have NEVER cos she just a little baby and is not doing somthing deliberately,but if she was older and playing me up, I can not honestly say I would not smack her. the pressure does get to you and people should be more honest. Do not let anyone condem you x

If you look at your thread title, Vindaloo, it does rather invite a debate on smacking.

Just another thought- I do have to get out everyday and do something and see others, otherwise I would go mad. Perhps this would work for you

sometimes maybe i need told that i am a caring mum to stop me feeling crap, that means a lot.

i only joined mumsnet a couple of days ago, so my i was ignorant to think my thread title would provoke such reactions, i naively thought people would read my message and respond to that - i will know for next time!

I think i mentioned eearlier that i just joined a gym - i feel its already making a difference as its about me doing something for me and releasing any pent up anger/frustration.