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slapping or no slapping?

458 replies

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 21:46

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
kittywits · 24/08/2006 21:24

That is correct

goldendelicious · 24/08/2006 21:25

Let me share something with you. When I was 13 years old, my cousin was aged just 3. His mother and father had seperated, and she got herself a new boyfriend. This new boyfriend got her into drugs and didn't like my cousin being around. Mother was high on drugs (we still don't really know whether she took them herself or if he put them in her food etc) - and her new boyf locked cousin in his room so he couldn't get out, neither of them fed him and on another night boyf LOCKED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE. Deliberately. At three years old, at one o clock in the morning.

Cousin ran away, 50 yards away his grandparents lived but he couldn't get in the house nor reach the doorbell. So he sat in their garden all night. And mother didn't even notice he'd gone.

Until this night, we didn't know any of this was going on. Cousin had been told by the boyf if he told anyone, he'd KILL him.

Smacking is just one form of discipline. Every mother on here i'm sure is a caring and loving mother who would do anything for their children. Just remember there is REAL abuse going on out there. A little smack every now and then doesn't constitute as abuse, as many of you on this thread appear to be suggesting.

(By the way cousin is now 14 and has lived with grandparents ever since that horrible horrible night. It still affects him in some ways but he's had plenty of love from the rest of his family, and brought up to respect people, and despite what has happened he's a good lad).

Sorry this was such a long rant I just got cross at the thought of everyone getting irate about little smacks when my poor cousin (and sadly many other children) had/have it so, so much worse.

Vindaloo · 24/08/2006 21:26

Wallflower for me, even just for one day...

OP posts:
Vindaloo · 24/08/2006 21:29

goldendelicious - am glad your cousin is in a safer place X

OP posts:
goldendelicious · 24/08/2006 21:31

Thanks so much vindaloo.

harpsichordcarrier · 24/08/2006 21:32

here is a letter printed in the Times a while back, that sums up my feelings about smacking very succinctly:

From Mr Raj Kothari

Sir, Smacking is an admission of failure. It says that if respect and discipline have not been won by reason and love, they can (and should) be extracted by the use of physical force. It says that might is right.

I have sometimes felt like smacking my son. That is my problem, not his.

moondog · 24/08/2006 21:34

Hmmm,bit of a lentil weaver myself but I think the occasional well timed smack works wonders.

Did me alot of good I think

CountTo10 · 24/08/2006 21:36

gd - so sorry that your little cousin had to go through that it so sad but very happy now that he's got the chance of a better life

goldendelicious · 24/08/2006 21:42

Thank you, he's doing really well, he has ADHD too which has been quite a task for everyone involved but he's doing well at school. He knows everyone around him loves him unconditionally; IMO thats what matters at the end of the day.

jalopy · 24/08/2006 21:44

If smacking is such an effective and harmless form of discipline, why isn't it advocated by child psychologists, promoted in parenting literature or demonstrated on parenting programmes on tv?

moondog · 24/08/2006 21:45

Anyone who is guided solely by tv programmes and tie in books needs their head seeing to.

These programmes are here primarily to entertain y'know.

goldendelicious · 24/08/2006 21:48

Think people leave the issue of smacking out of these said books and programmes because in today's society its too controversial a subject - just look at this thread!!!!

Greensleeves · 24/08/2006 22:01

Don't worry Franny, I couldn't give a witch's tit what some gutless namechanger and the delightfully loopy kittywits think of me

harpsichordcarrier · 24/08/2006 22:01

moondog, imo I think you may have benefitted from more physical discipline, possibly involving instruments.
it may not be too late

moondog · 24/08/2006 22:02

Shalllet dh know as shortly to retire....

Vindaloo · 24/08/2006 22:04

I'm outa here.

night night

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 24/08/2006 22:04

I think theres too many programmes/books out there and not enough gut instinct being used. Whoever told these 'gurus' they are the only ones that can raise kids????? Didn't have all that 30 years ago and they all managed - we're not all a much of weirdos are we?????

CountTo10 · 24/08/2006 22:05

Spk soon Vindaloo - keep up the positive vibes

liquidclocks · 24/08/2006 22:08

Can't believe this thread is still going... c'mon, agree to disagree!

goldendelicious · 24/08/2006 22:11

I second that liquidclocks

adath · 24/08/2006 22:12

Unquestioning obedience to adults is a dangerous thing to teach a child. I am teaching mine to question everything and everyone, including me

I am glad someone agrees with me. That times letter sums it up pretty well actually. We each want our children to go out into the world with good life skills and reasoning and the ability to question are just 2 of them. If you get your own way by smacking then how are you teaching them these important skills. Yes we are adults and they are children but they are aso not us inside. They are individuals and by using force to get them to comply then we are bullying them into submission.
I also agree with another poster that if I take a step back and look for a reason for DD's behaviour then I can ususally find a solution. I have never ever used time out, and never ever smacked but I do mean what I say and always carry out the natural consequence to the action. It is not always easy but I have also never had to resort to hitting. I have walked away from a situation and gone back when we are both calmer if need be and it is always resolved.

And kitty I am sorry I would never normally say something like this but I feel the largest instigator here has been you. YOU are the one shouting down any opposing opinion to you unable or unwilling to accept that we have a differeing outlook to yours.

CountTo10 · 24/08/2006 22:13

Defo agreeing to disagree and leaving!!!!

Vindaloo - if you ever want to have a chat let me know x

jalopy · 24/08/2006 22:17

Night, night, closet smackers....sleep well.

fistfullofnappies · 24/08/2006 22:28

interesting, adath. It is precisely because my children question everything including me, that I have to smack them from time to time to get them to actually do something that I tell them to...

kittywits · 24/08/2006 22:59

Adath, I have CONSTANTLY said that people are entiltled to have their own opinions all the way through this thread. I have said that I have no truck with those that chose not to smack or whatever.
If you look carefuly you will see that the only time I have talked about other peopole is AFTER they have taken issue with what I have said and in some cases been frankly offensive.
As far as I am concerned there is room on the broom. I don't think that can be said for every contributer to this thread , sadly.