Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Claires, I think you are amazing. I'm sorry you are feeling so down but you have good reason. One piece of advice I got from "the therapist" was to deal with something I know I do way too much, which she called "catastophising". When things are going horribly I have a tendency to panic internally and think that it is never going to get better and they are going to continue driving me crazy for the rest of their lives etc... I have even thought forward to how am I going to deal with then when they are teenagers etc... All totally unhelpful to the situation at hand and used to be ( that's brave) what would lead to me screaming at them at losing the plot. The technique she gave me was a rubber band. To wear on my wrist, and when my mind starts into decline, ping it and say stop. I wore it for three days this week. I am not wearing it any more but I am still stopping myself and I feel a lot calmer and happier. I have no idea if this helps (because what you really need is beautiful undisturbed sleep) but offering it up in case.
And hugs. Lots of them.
Monkey - you ROCKSTAR!! I knew you could do it. Hope you enjoyed your night out. You earned it!

Been reading the many posts since I was last here and wish I could just type little replies quickly cos now I'm at the end I have forgotten!

jiggle, SO hard not being in a cooperative parenting partnership. When that's happened with me and DP I've found it very very stressful. Usually we're supportive of each other and I don't know how it can work without that. It's a bloody hard enough job with both parents on the same team!

Letsgo I have been keeping the ten second response time in mind, thank you! DS often doesn't respond but even then ten seconds helps add space and calm to communication. So tempting to keep trying to get their attention and talk too damn much!

Moody it is natural to be nice to our kids but it is exhausting to keep it up when they are being feckin annoying! They don't mean to be I don't think, just in a different time zone and world than us lots of the time

Another I think you handled the toothbrush thing brilliantly. Empathised with him, kept boundaries in place, stayed calm, let him get the feelings out, reconnected. What do you think now, would you do it the same again?

Claires omg you are amazing. One of these critters is hard enough for me but the dynamics of four... I don't think I could do it without lots of help and support. I wish I had good advice but struggle with the one and have lots to learn! Must make a small difference that there is a big age gap with your older two as they aren't toddlers/preschoolers as well thank goodness. Are they very helpful with the DTs?

Nellie the rubber band thing is a great idea I might try it!

Relatively calm few days here. Thank goodness! The last two weeks has been an exhausting roller coaster and I'm trying to dial down activities and energy use to just recover a bit really. Am going to look into going swimming a couple of times a week. I can't be arsed and feel lazy as a blob of jelly but know it would be good!

Weekend's been moderately OK, but getting quite tense this evening. There's a lot of stress around in the house and trying really hard not to take it out on the boys...

I've been trying to remember the wait 10 seconds thing too, and it does make a difference - thanks!

I for one am glad DS is back at kindergarten tomorrow. While the period of illness started off nice (as far as it can be - never nice to see your child sick!) in terms of cuddles and quietness, as the week wore on we were in SERIOUS need of getting out of the house and actually his behaviour pretty much reverted to 6-months-ago DS.

Actually, I think the culprit was too much screen time. I've never been one to worry about screen time and every time we've tried to restrict it it's been half hearted. DH and I are such screen addicts it seems silly and hypocritical. But he really has been awful, just silly, rude and hyped up. We went for a huge walk up a hill and climbed up the castle here today and DS was in hysterics getting physically blown about by the wind, and it really helped - he was a little bit whiny later on but nowhere near the awfulness we'd had!

So I think still not restricting as it doesn't work well for us but just sort of keeping an eye on the balance a bit and trying to make sure that it works.

Hi everyone.

Claire's, I've been thinking about you this weekend - it's funny how much someone you've never met can play on your mind. I really hope you're ok and have maybe managed to get some rest.

Bertie, I think you're so right about the screen time.

BlueEye that's tough. Someone upthread (I think it was atthestroke) said kids are like barometers and it's true - even when you try to hide it they seem to be able to pick up on stress and it can affect their behaviour. Which is the last thing you need when you're stressed

Dishes, thank you and that's a good question. In retrospect I would definitely have taken letsgo's advice. And as we've had nothing else like that over the last couple of days, maybe the small sanction was enough and what he really needed was the emotional support to calm down.

Nellie thanks again for your support, your post made me . I have been doing the catastrophising thing too. Just like you describe.

This weekend has been so good I've been avoiding posting in case I jinx it. I was so nervous on Friday that I was going to undo all the good work. But I can now safely say 7 with a clear weekend - yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy I am SO made up. This week I've felt like I'm back in control and I'm enjoying it again. I'm knackered but happy.

Mixed weekend here. Managed not to really have to shout at the kids but my god were they being little sods by the time we were going home from a day with the inlaws today.

Yesterday DD had a fair few whinges and DS was a bit trying a times but generally ok. I was a bit down as didn't get the job I went for and my sports team missed out on promotion after a poor match but I didn't allow my mood to be passed on to them - in fact I think I was so aware of it I went out of my way to be super nice to them!

Today was an in laws birthday day. Started out pretty well but after a very long wait in the pub for food stress started to build a bit and by the time we left the pub DS and nephew needed to run off their energy but DD needed to sleep. No sleep meant a lot of whinging and a disagreement with my DH and I mentally and physically just pulled back from the whole day. I just let them get on with it but DS's behaviour just goes tangibly down hill with the in laws. He knows he will get away with it and he knows if I step in to tell him off MIL will say something like "oh it doesn't matter" - ahhhh. I am seriously tempted to just let DH go without me to these things in the future. They were given smarties and jelly babies at 7pm, just before we are going home. I tried to remove some but then I look like the "meanie". They were high as kites on the way back, when the idea was they fell asleep. MIL and FIL are both nice people and I get on fine minus the kids but as soon as the kids are there MIL is soooo annoying.

X post monkey - well done to you. I need some of your consistency, my parenting style is too unpredictable at times I think. I let my own mood interfere with my actions.

Another ahaparenting fan here. It's fantastic. I like the emails once or twice a week that keep me thinking the right way. It's written with compassion for the parent, which is really quite lovely.

Jigglebum I swear we live parallel lives, that scenario is so familiar (except my ILs are super judgy and seem to have lost all grasp of normal toddler behaviour, we get cats bum lips instead of jelly babies!!). Even down to getting on great with them when the children aren't around.

Ugh I hope you can relax this evening x

Ooh didn't realise you could sign up to emails, ninja. Need to investigate!

Jigglebum so much of what you describe resonates with me. The thing about behaviour going downhill with the grandparents.....the trouble is that you end up having to do more 'firm discipline' stuff when the rellies are "helping" ..this is why.........
The child knows they have more chance of getting away with stuff because grandma (or whoever) thinks the sun shines out of his bottom and he's only little and can do no wrong.....the child(ren) then push the boundaries that much harder in the belief that they'll get away with it because they can sniff out inconsistency like a drug dog can sniff out cocaine. They misbehave, you get firm, cross, whatever, grands say "oh it doesn't matter" and you think "yes it €${}>>${*|€~>>\¥|~>~ does matter!" whilst remaining smiley and polite to in laws and remaining clear and consistent with sugar crazed out of normal routine children.
Once drove home from family do (one hundred and twenty six looooong miles) with sugar filled under exercised toddler howling the whole way. I remember stopping at a service station and making her run up and down the path before getting back in the car, that gave us about 10 quiet minutes before the yelling started again.

Ours are the opposite - no toys (actually they do have a few now, but never get them out while I'm there, only sometimes if DH has taken them) and their house is like a museum of breakable things. They barely interact with the DCs and expect you to make interesting adult conversation, whilst the DCs hurtle from one china ornament to the next in a spiral of suppressed energy and boredom sit beautifully. They pull judgy faces at their eating, clothes, inability to sit still for long periods, mess and noise. And usually manage to drop in a story about a stranger they saw with babies doing a fabulous job. It's lovely

The outcome is the same though - worse behaviour, routines out of the window and wired kids at the end of it. I can really relate to the feeling of pulling out of the day.

A pretty sh*tty day today. DS1 got up in a foul mood and it continued from there - probably not helping that we were all awoken rather than allowed to wake up... Didn't help either that I was not in the best frame of mind after some bad news from home and I think that is why when it came to dealing with the usual physical attack from my son I just let rip at him. So tired of it. Had it the day before too when we went to a two year old's birthday party and the worst behaved child was my 5 year old. I'm not letting it derail me though. I feel rubbish but I think I consciously decided that this would not throw me off track. Tomorrow is a new day and who knows, it might be the day that I work out what it is that makes my son think it is ok to treat me like this. I have no doubt that he loves me. He just needs to get a grip of his total egocentricity.
On the plus side, had some lovely moments with DS2 this weekend where he told me he loved me and gave me spontaneous hugs which is nice after the usual midweek refusal to look at me and clamouring for daddy.

Nellie, so sorry to hear you had a tough weekend :( your positivity really shines through your post though - you will get to the bott

Argh trying to post on phone again.

...bottom of what's going on with your boy, I am absolutely certain that you'll come through this tough phase with a stronger relationship at the end of it. You're doing brilliantly. How were bedtimes over the weekend?

It sounds like you had some quality time with DS2 too, which is great and can be tough when the older one is not behaving so well.

Hello everyone,

thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words, it means a lot to me!
Monkey well done on 7 days, that is brilliant!

And Nellie sorry to hear about your day, I think keeping calm when they're lashing out at you is the most difficult thing as you feel under attack and instinctively you try to defend yourself. I remember once dd1 kicking me when pregnant with dd2 and I smacked her bottom as a reaction. I felt awful, but she was having a massive tantrum and kicking in the stomach and I just reacted instinctively.

We had a nice weekend, got a babysitter and went out on sat night for the first time in ageeees. It felt really good and I didn't even mind being woken up at 7 on sun morning with the usual whinging from dtd 'downdowndowndowndown'.
Sat morning dh also took did to let me have a lie in, which was lovely and much needed.

Spent most of Sunday outdoors and with neighbours so that was good too, kids exhausted last night and were in bed nice and early. Result.

Now when dh is around I find the dts much easier to deal with as I don't have to spread myself in a million directions, BUT I now have problems with dd2 aaargh, who is 9 and a half and a mini teenager as well as suffering from middle child syndrome. We get a lot of tears and drama and I do try to be empathetic about it, with a lot of "I'm sorry x has happened, you feel this way etc etc" trying to make useful suggestions, which all end up being thrown back at me along the lines "I will NEVER EVER have time to do x again" despite me suggesting shall we do that in the week? Of course she will have masses of homework, the locusts will come, whatever, it os never going to happen. So, eventually I lose my cool, and end up shouting

I have to admit, I haver always shouted, i remember having arguements with my sister and and when I'd run out of things to say, I'd resort to shouting, she would tell me, patronisingly, to stop shouting so I'd yell louder. I know dd2 is my mirror image, and I would like to give her the tools to control her temper, as she is the one losing out in the end, but she doesn't listen to my advise

oh my this is very long!
Can I ask what are your strategies for not yelling when you are faced with the usual triggers?

Mine are:
the dts hitting/pushing each other and continuing to do so AFTER I have repeatedly said stop. (in those cases when I can't physically separate them immdiately i.e. I'm cooking)

when the dts just tip all their toy boxes on the floor without actually playing with anything, I know this is mostly attention seeking behavior and it happens when I'm busy doing something else, it still irritates me

total refusal to get coats/shoes on refusal to get in the car when needed. i try to give warnings and leave enough time, but on top of the refusal tehre's always a last minute nappy change/toy I have to get we can't possibly leave the house without/a drink/food, all times 2

oh and dd1 and dd2 arguing for the silliest things, but that would be a whole new thread!

And I totally get the grandparents thing, dd1&dd2's behaviuors always worsened when we visited the grandparents, sometimes not having family nearby can be a good thing too

oh for those who asked, dd1&dd2 are amazing with the dts, they are really lovely and helpful, I can't complain about that.
dd1 surprised me by tidying up all the dts toys, our shoes and coats while we were out yesterday afternoon.

I honestly couldn't cope without their help

letsgo - your post made me laugh - it is so nice that you guys just get it and makes me fill less of a cow about finding the GP thing hard, despite how much I know they do to help us and the DCs of course love them to bits. I do sometimes now get DS shouting at me that he wants to go and live at nana's house though when he is upset because nana is much nicer than me of course!

Nellie sorry you had a rough day - it is tough isn't it.

claires - I am naturally quite shouty too and I expect that when I raise my voice my kids should listen! I am a teacher too and pretty strict so I am used to my pupils generally listening when I shout (which isn't actually very often) but I kind of expect my two to do the same and then remember they are only 2 and 5 and I am their mum so it is not the same!!

Re trying not to shout - I am succeeded to a certain extent by just not saying anything and just doing what I want them to do anyway. Eg DD was refusing to wear any clothes this morning (or a nappy) when we needed to go out - so I gave her the opportunity to do it with me but then I wrestled her into her nappy and plonked her in the car with no clothes on and we put them on when we go there. Now she cried and I swore a lot internally but there was no shouting and she didn't get all of her own way but she then put clothes on happily when we got there. She is small though so I am not sure that would work with a bigger one.

Had a bit of a tricky morning, possibly in reaction to last week going so smoothly. Also a bit stressful tidying up this evening. I find it really hard when neither boy actually tidies anything and even worse when DS2 just lies around complaining that he is too tired...

Thanks Jigglebum,

I do try that, but dtd is very strong (and strong willed), the other day I couldn't strap her in her carseat, as soon as I got one arm inside the strap and started working on the other she'd get the first one free and so on, all the while kicking and screaming in rage. In the end I just shouted at her to stop it as I was getting increasingly frustrated.

Well done for you self control though, I am well impressed.

BlueEyeshadow that is one of my trigger points too with the twins. Though I'm probably expecting too much from 2 two year olds

Was just back to say that today has been a much better day!

I managed to get them both to nursery on time without shouting
I managed not to shout when dtd tipped all the contents of 2 duplo boxes plus 2 jigsaws on the floor, but got on the floor next to her and managed to get her to help tidy up.

I managed to keep my cool when she took her pjs off while I was getting her brother into his.

I only shouted a little when dts headbutted me repeatedly while I was changing her and it hurt.

Can it count as day 1???

Hope everyone else had a good day.

It gets easier guys, it really does!
Ok this may be unhelpful but here goes, silly solutions to tidying up problems:

• snow shovel and really BIG toy box. Or put the toy box at the other end of the room to the toys and challenge the kids to get the toys in without walking up to it (throwing?! Whizzing bricks down a tube? Walking only on "stepping stones" ) get competitive, an empty box each and let's see who fills theirs quickest, of course it is quite likely that harnessing their competitive side will lead to ............

Sibling bickering and fighting- has anyone else heard the advice that you should never intervene in a sibling quarrel unless there is blood trickling under the door? Yes I think I might not be able to hold on that long but there is wisdom there! My favourite 'not yelling' tactic is putting the radio up loud and singing along, making up daft words that relate to whatever is going on at home. The kids focus on making mum stop making that terrible noise instead of playing up. Also, thinking about what I need (drink, food, 5 mins peace) and focusing on what needs to happen so I can get it. It's not selfish, it is easier to care if you feel cared for, even if only by yourself! jiggle, my youngest has repeatedly tried to leave the house with a bag full of teddies to go and live with her friend round the corner. I'm sure she loves me really! Ooh big post, must sleeeeeep now.

I think I took about 25 effing steps back tonight. I should have known it would be a bad one because I was already feeling crappy about my job which I don't feel I am doing well. I put the little one to bed without too much trouble and DH was reading DS1 a story but he had been playing on his leap pad just before (which I had let him do - why am i such an idiot?). He came into the room and I tucked him into bed but before I could leave the room he was out of bed and running around the living room. Long story short - I read him a story (knowing he was NOT calming down, just waiting for the last page to start running around again). It wasn't even as if he was just saying he wanted to stay up, he was literally running around me taunting me and laughing in my face to which I exploded and dragged him by his arm to my room and then yelled at him and really scared him. How the f*ck do I get back from here? I feel like I'm back at the foot of another mountain and 20 times worse equipped than I was before. Such a loser :(

Nellie you are NOT a loser! I don't have time to do a big post at the mo but read the thread and I had to just quickly say forgive yourself! It will be okay, you can repair it! It feels like shit though I know, complete and utter shit

I see it as you being pushed and stretched and stressed to the end of your resources. Once things spiral downwards your frontal lobe shuts down and your primitive brain takes over and just does the big emotions. If you want to you can apologise to DS. My dad did that to me once as a kid after he went ballistic and it made a huge, positive impression on me. Really good modelling. Not the out of control bit beforehand but the taking responsibility bit afterwards!

I think we are all trying to do better at this stuff and we're learning. That's part of it too, we're all trying to find new ways to do things. We'll lose our cool less and less over time as we get used to doing other things or taking different action earlier or whatever.

Your heart is in the right place and you love DS, we're here with you and it will be okay!