Well, what an unbelievable shitty evening I've had. I sit writing this in floods of tears.
DS1 (4.8) has been a little "challenging" today and I did end up snapping (not shouting) at him this morning which caused him to burst into tears, apologising. After that, the day went pretty well - especially with DS2 who has been so well behaved and has done everything I asked of him and been so cuddly and happy.
When hubby came home this afternoon, he was clearly not in the best of moods after he'd had a bollocking at work. He went upstairs to get changed and DS2 followed him, picking up my fluorescent pink marker pen that I'd stupidly left on the stairs (behind the previously locked stairgate) along with my parenting books (I use the pen to mark really poignant sentences/paragraphs that strike a chord with me). Moments later, DS2 came back downstairs covered in pink highlighter pen. I surprised myself at how calm I remained. I didn't shout or punish but told myself that what happened had been the natural reaction of a 3yo who'd just found a bright pink pen that I had left out. DS2's reaction was clear to see: he looked mortified he'd let me down and no shouting was needed to make my point. Happy days. :)
Anyway, hubby went out to cut the grass while I cooked tea and the boys both watched a DVD. Half an hour or so later, tea was ready and I went outside to set the table. Hubby had left the petrol can for the lawnmower on the table so as I wiped the table clean, I passed him the can. He put it on the floor.
We both popped back inside (me to fetch plates and hubby to wash hands) and DS2 went outside to get seated, ready for his tea. When hubby walked back outside, DS2 had picked up the petrol can and had tipped it on the patio. Hubby was clearly VERY angry, so I quickly took DS2 inside to wash his hands. Just like with the pen incident, DS2 looked mortified. He knew he'd done wrong and to me that was enough. Hubby started ranting how he wanted to burn my effing parenting books. So I said to him "what good would shouting at him or smacking him do? It wouldn't change anything, it would just release some of your anger and make DS2 resent us. It wouldn't make the petrol stain disappear. Besides which, it only happened because you left it there - just like I'd only have had myself to blame if he'd drawn on the walls with pink pen". Next thing, hubby is kicking the outside wall and saying "oh just fuck off". I came inside, served up our tea and sat there upset but trying and failing so hard not to cry in front of my boys. Hubby remained outside trying and failing to get soaked-in petrol out of our newish patio. He punched the fence (breaking a piece off), violently pushed the lawnmower against the fence, and then sat outside "calming down" for 20 minutes before storming off upstairs to the study (where he still is - he didn't even come down to kiss the boys goodnight or read DS1 a story like he always does (while I read to DS2)). I don't know if he's up there working or surfing the net. A bit of both, I imagine.
That was 2 hours ago. I know what will happen now. He will spend the evening avoiding/ignoring me. Then he'll come into our bedroom at 9ish, get ready for bed, get into bed, roll over and not speak to me til morning. If I'm lucky.
This is what ALWAYS happens if we have a big argument or he gets very angry at me. Most people take 10 minutes to come down from that level of anger. With hubby, it takes 24 hours. Sometimes longer. He's had arguments with friends/family and not spoken to them afterwards for months/years.
The other thing that always happens after we get argue/he gets really angry is that we don't talk about it. It will now all get swept under the carpet and "forgotten" about. I wish this wasn't the case as I REALLY want to say to him how completely and utterly unreasonable he was, but he just doesn't see it. And never, ever will. He really believes that his anger was appropriate and that DS2 should have been smacked and punished for what he did. I don't even know why he's still so mad. It's probably guilt, embarrassment, stubbornness, hatred of my new ability to remain calm. Who knows.
DS2 is 3yo. Just! It was his birthday last week. He picked up a petrol can and poured the contents out. He'd have done this if the can contained water, milk, paint, molten lava! He's inquisitive (like every other 3yo) and to top it off, it was hubby's fault it got left there!
The baby hasn't stopped kicking since this happened due to all the stress and adreniline running through my body. Another fact that hubby just doesn't see. His anger, as well as being inappropriate (on this occasion at least) has a huge knock on effect with SO many things.
Our parenting views are getting further and further apart. It seems. Although, maybe tonight was magnified by the fact that he'd had a really shitty day at work (I know it was bad because he looked far more stressed than normal). I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt to some degree. We can all have bad days - it doesn't make us bad people, right?
But the other thing is, our big blow ups (when I say "our" I mean his) nearly always happen at the start of a school holiday. The 6 week holiday starts next week and although hubby hates his job (and I mean REALLY hates it) I believe (though he probably wouldn't admit this) that he also hates being at home every day with the kids and being ignored and, like you said *Anothermonkey", OUT OF CONTROL. In his classroom, 99% of the time, he's in control. At home with a couple of preschoolers he has zero control of them. He thinks the only way to gain control is by shouting and smacking (if the shouting fails). The more I read, and the more I see positive results from not shouting, the more I know he's wrong.
But will he ever believe that shouting is wrong now? Will he even try? Honestly, sometimes, just like you said Jigglebum I feel like our marriage is on the thinnest of ice, and that I could be a better parent by myself. But with DC3 on the way, really, how likely is that?
And I feel mortified at even thinking it, because some of the time (a lot of the time) he's a great husband and father. But once or twice a year, he'll really flip his lid and I, oh God, I hate myself for saying this, but I fear for mine and my boys safety. :( He's never hit me, and if he ever did it would be the last time, but his rage just occasionally is really very frightening.
I just hope and pray that today has got it all of his chest and that we can move forwards positively and have a good 6 week holiday at home with our boys.
I really need a hug. And a good friend who I could say all this to in person who wouldn't judge me or him, or tell a soul. I have nobody like that :( :( :(