Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

I'm late to the party, but can I join please? I haven't read the thread yet but will go back and read after I've posted.

I'm about half way through reading "Buddhism for Mothers" which is brilliant, and is helping in lots of areas of life.

Hi upandatem :)

Welcome MrsPennyapple, come join us!

CTC I think it's really hard to see things from their side sometimes, particularly when the stress levels can be so high so much of the time (I find myself in fight or flight a good handful of times each day when I have them both together) and nobody is taking your own side into account! It's easier in retrospect!

I'm counting again but it's not just a no-shouting count this time. I love my kids beyond words and I'm counting the days during which my own behaviour consistently reflects this.

It echoes what you've just posted about discipline, bertie - basically I'm trying to see it as my job to help keep them out of trouble, rather than being the one they're often in trouble with.

3 days so far!

I've been re-reading "The Mother Trip" recently which I love to pieces, it's a really honest book about the way that becoming a mother changes you, makes you feel, the isolation and the constant guilt and self questioning etc. Lots on depression, too, not just PND but any depression especially relating to having children/after you have children. She calls it "The mama blues".

There was a really good quote in it which was something like "Just like an occasional slice of chocolate cake won't make you fat and a bad day at work doesn't spell the end of your whole career, messing up with your kids is not going to screw up their childhoods. It's just not."

I love that quote Bertie, I might just tattoo it to my arm!

Hello
Mrs Penny, everyone is welcome! We're all just trying our best and helping each other on the way! ??

Have a good weekend everyone!

I had a bad day today. Hubby is going through a difficult time at work and of course this affects his mood at home. The boys have spent most of the day in the garden which seems to bring out the worst in them: constant noisy, boisterous rough play, arguing and fighting over toys and general noncompliance. During some of their rough playing, hubby decided to talk to me about work and get some things off his chest. I was listening to every word but also watching the kids and listening to them if they came and talked to me (as they so often do when DH and I are deep in conversation). Hubby then accused me of not listening to him and it felt like he was almost accusing me of being unsupportive to his work problems. Pregnancy hormones coupled with trying so hard not to yell at the boys all day and to prevent their behaviour from making hubby yell just caused me to rush inside, run upstairs, slam the door so hard the house shook, scream into my pillow and cry. My heart was racing, baby was kicking like crazy and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I didn't yell at as anyone though :)

Here's to a better day tomorrow...

Can I join too?

I started reading this thread in April and it's taken me this long to catch up (and I still haven't followed half the links). Since I started lurking here I think I've done better at being less shouty, but still spend most of my life feeling torn in 2 between my 6yo and 3yo... make that torn in 4 if you include DP and, just occasionally, wanting a little bit of me for myself.

I had one of those days today, where I managed to be nice to everyone, but got to the end of it just wanting to walk out the door and never come back. DS1 is testing boundaries (misbehaving and then laughing at being told off), DS2 is being unreasonable in the way only a 3yo can be and DP is responding by being horrible to everyone. Aaargh!

SetTheWorldOnFire - your household sounds exactly like mine!

Oh hello set the world and thanks for sharing your horrid day mandbabe. I'm glad you've stopped lurking. I hope you have had ok days today? It sounds as though you are both taking on a lot of the responsibility for the mood of your entire household. It might be worth remembering that it is not your responsibility to stop the children from irritating your DH/ DP but it is his responsibility to treat his children kindly and not take out a bad day on everyone else. Difficult to do I know but no one can control all the moods in the house. It might lift a little of the stress from you if you try to let go of some of this responsibility.
mand the pregnancy had gone over my head earlier! you must be knackered. Is someone in RL letting you lean on them, as your DH is leaning on you?
Hello everyone else. Anyone else lurking? Come on out and say hello!

letsgoforawalk Yes, I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and most definitely knackered! Had a great day yesterday. Both boys were little darlings and hubby seemed to leave his problems at work.

THis morning was a different story though. Got woken at 5am by DS1 who was convinced it was getting-up-time and so my interrupted sleep was the cause of my grumpiness which I took out on all 3 of them this morning.

I'm at work now which is a doddle compared to being at home, so hopefully before I finish work this afternoon my bad mood will have evaporated.

The book I'm reading (calmer parent, happy child) is getting better and better. I'm picking up some really useful advice. Makes me sad that I didn't read it 5 years ago though

I had a shitty horrible day with DS yesterday and am still feeling simultaneously irritated and crap about myself about it.

So, yay.

having crap day after crap day, well a crap night last night, dh away again. not easy.

I just it it sooo exhausting running after TWO toddlers, I constantly have noise in my ears, one whouting weeweewee the other juicejuicejuice, there is not even time (or space) to say 'I'll get you some juice as soon as I'm finished with your sister as tehy're both whineying at me I can't even get a word in, let alone a calm one.

bertie sorry if I haven't replied to your suggestions, he doesn't really get consequences, if you mean punishment like, or time out, I will confiscate a toy if that's causing the argument, or something similar, I always get down at his level and tell him calmly that hitting is not nice,a nd look your sister's crying etc etc (often after initially shouting: fight or flight mode as Monkey says!). I used to do lots of punishments with dd1 (she didn't hit, but used to have horrible tantrum whenever she couldn't get her way), like no tv, no pudding, cut short trips to the park or visits to friends and tbh I don't know if it really helped, but it certainly caused a lot strain between us. I am really trying to use a more positive approach with the dts.
Why he does it? I think it's different reasons everyt ime, sometimes it is obvious requests for attention, other times it might be jealousy towards his sister (they may have shared a womb but neither likes having to share me or dh), sometimes it's frustration, but so ften it's totally random and inexplicable, like we'd be playing together nicely and suddenly he throws something at his sister. Sometimes it's a game and he laughs afterwords, it seems quite complex, hence difficult to get our heads round it.

Sorry to hear about your day, do you want to offload here?

Letsgoforawalk I was just thinking about what you said about my hubby being a teacher and applying methods he uses at school at home. The problem is, he doesn't! Yesterday he was calling our DS2 (age 2.11) "a naughty boy". I told him that we shouldn't say that to him, even if he IS being naughty as surely he will then continue that behaviour to live up to his name. Hubby sort of guffawed as though I was talking shite. A few hours later, he came to me to talk about an application he was making for another job and how he was talking about behaviour and consequences of students. He commented on how sanctions/punishments don't work in the first instance because then kids just take on a "I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb attitude". I laughed and said "well if you believe that, you need to apply the same attitude at home". Funnily enough, I've now reached the chapter in my book that completely dismisses punishments (of ANY kind, including timeouts) saying that they don't work. It's really thought provoking stuff and I'm going to try so hard to apply it in our household.

Clairestravellingcircus I know just how you feel - with two toddlers it is impossible to get even a second's peace isn't it. And when one is being aggressive towards the other, it can drive you insane. Mine are just the same, and some days I can't stop DS2 (2.11) from breaking and throwing everything he sees. It seems that he's just started with the "terrible twos" (I thought he'd bypassed them!) and almost everything he asks for turns into a tantrum or a whiney voice. Something I read in my book really sticks out with me, and I'm trying so hard to apply it: when a baby cries, we love and cuddle them and do what we can to soothe the upset and be there for them. When a toddler cries or whinges or, worse, has a tantrum, we abandon them, or get cross, shout, or walk away letting them go into meltdown on the floor. Their need is no less important than a baby's cry, but because they can talk we (wrongly) assume that they can articulate their problem in a calm way and we can talk sense and logic to them to calm them down. When this doesn't work, a tantrum ensues. The part of their brain that deals with emotions hasn't yet linked up to the part of the brain that deals with logic which is why under 5s often go into meltdown. What we need to do is to just hug them, say very little, listen lots and empathise with their feelings.

"Kids need our love when they deserve it the least" is a mantra I keep on repeating to myself.

Haha, listen to me. I'm the most angry person alive most days. If only I could follow my own advice! I am trying though. Baby steps...

Have a good day everyone xx

Sorry for not answering properly but I've just had one if the crappiest days, as a mother. I'm feeling like I'm failing all 4
Of them. I feel drained emotionally and psychologically.

Not asking for advice but just needed to get it out somewhere.

No advice CTC, just referring you to Bertie's chocolate cake quote above. here is a selection of things to make you feel better.. Take your pick!

mandbaby it sounds like you are getting some really useful insights both from the book and from your hubby! Another book which I think is really easy to read and apply is "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". It even has cartoons . A lot of childcare advice I've seen since (including the AHA site) seems to draw heavily on the principles laid out in it.
One thing I think helps is to really engage with your children, find out what makes them tick and what "reward" will really get them glowing with pride and / or motivated to do whatever it is you want them to do.

It is worth doing this before blindly applying whatever childcare guru, well meaning stranger on MN (or MIL!) suggests you do. The key is getting to know your children and being in their world. They can then recognise that you care enough to try to see things from their viewpoint. You will also find it easier to see quickly what techniques are working and which are falling on stony ground.
I wish you all well.

Hope bedtime and tomorrow have some bright spots.

Claire and Bertie (((hugs))) to both of you. I know this probably seems weird and over-familiar but I've been reading this thread for so long it feels like I've been involved for longer, you've both been my role models when I've been having a less good day, you might feel crap today but there are times when I've wondered why I'm struggling to get it together as much as you are.

mandbaby DP also works/studies in a related field. Can't understand how he gets good essay marks and then applies none of it to our lives - aaargh!

Yesterday was unremittingly awful, maybe it's weather/ atmospheric conditions which affect them - I've often noticed several people I know have a disaster on the same day.

Today we had atrocious drop-off, DS1 jumped up as I was kissing him goodbye and really walloped me, which I don't think was entirely accidental. DS2 had been up since 5am (regular event), which means he's had it by 9 and he wailed because DS1 wouldn't say goodbye to him and I walked on the wrong side of the road to preschool. Came home and cried, then attacked the weeds in the garden to get rid of the frustration, garden looks lovely .

I know I'm lucky to get a morning to myself (all DS2's other preschool hours are when I'm at work), by the time I picked up DS2 I was ready to cuddle up and read stories for a couple of hours and then after we picked up DS1, take them both swimming (first time by myself so a bit of a risk). They both did really well, getting there (both have history of bolting which makes journeys nerve wracking) and in the pool. Seemed like getting out and doing something a bit different knocked us out of the get home, fight with each other, put the TV on to have some peace, rut.

set the world sounds like you retrieved the day well. Swimming with kids takes motivation, effort and a bit of planning (I'm thinking of the provision of food for after to avoid a hungry-tired meltdown). It can also work like magic on grumpy children. One day after school a few years ago I had two girls who had done NOTHING but whine grumble and wind each other up since stepping out of the school gate. I had already decided we were going for a swim so we headed for the pool and the miserable behaviour continued unrelenting up to the moment they slipped into the water.
Then it stopped. It was like the chlorine had dissolved it. They were delightful for the rest of the day.
Magic

Aaaaaaaaarrrghhhhhhhh!!!!!!

That was me screaming at you lot to release a bit of pressure.

Haven't shouted at the kids all day but, boy, have I wanted to. DS2 (2.11) has been a little shit monkey all day. He's hit his brother, continually pinched him, rubbed out his chalk drawings, knocked over his towers, eaten sand, told me he doesn't love me and even thrown a dining chair over earlier because I wouldn't make him a strawberry out of play-doh (wtf?!?!!)

We've just been outside "enjoying" the sunshine and DS1 (4.8) had one tantrum after another, lasting about 30 minutes altogether, playing a game of frisbee.

I was sat there using every technique I've learned in my "calmer parent, happy child" book feeling ok that I'd not shouted but wishing I could have a drink (at 26 weeks pregnant!) when hubby rang. It just all came gushing out of me. Uncontrollable tears. Hubby hates it when I cry - he's not sympathetic AT ALL, which always makes my tears worse because all I want is a teeny tiny little bit of empathy - the same empathy I'm trying to give to my kids during THEIR meltdowns, but all I get is a stoney silence (and probably some rolled eyes) at the other end of the phone. He didn't criticise me, at all, but nor did he tell me the things I needed to hear which was "it's ok, get if off your chest, you're doing an amazing job".

Hence, I'm here screaming at you lot.

I read loads of pages of my book last night and it repeatedly says that all "bad behaviour" is a cry for help and a need to re-connect. I've been trying that technique continually for two days, and so far, no difference. Just a frustrated, pent up little me

mandbabe
It will be ok. You have had a horrible hot tired pregnant yampy kids day. Soon they will be in bed and you will put your feet up.
You do need to cry sometimes. Your husband needs to spend a few days alone with them perhaps?
I don't necessarily agree that all 'bad' behaviour is a cry for help and reconnection.
Sometimes it is more entertaining or rewarding than 'good ' behaviour
Sometimes they are tired or thirsty or angry but don't know how to express that more appropriately.
What do other people think?
My suggestion for now?
Give them all a drink and a bowl of fruit or low sugar snack to share. Put the TV on in a cool room and don't try to DO anything for a while. If they will cooperate with that?

letsgoforawalk aww, thanks, that's just what I needed to hear. And you're not the first person to suggest that hubby needs to spend a few days alone with them. I bet the longest he's ever spent with the boys, without me, is 3 or 4 hours, tops. Thing is, if he spent only an hour with them, I'm pretty sure that in that hour he'd definitely yell and possibly smack , depending on the sort of mood he's in and how much they push his buttons. (He's definitely in the "an occasional smack did me no harm" camp).

Can't wait til they're in bed and I can collapse on to my own bed with a huge portion of sticky toffee pudding and ice cream.

Only spotted this topic now! Haven't read most all the replies as am shattered. My throat is sore from shouting. Today was hard. I've cried infront of them and they saw. Just disappointed in myself. Always thought I'd be a much better parent. Calmer,more fun. But... It's not easy.
I've 3 under 4.

Just re-read my post. Sorry it's a moan!
I ment to add that I will read all the earlier posts, hoping to get some tips!! Big hugs to all the parents out there that had a stressful day!

creamandsugar yes I cried in front of my two today too, which I hate doing. Like you said, it's so hard being a mummy but at least all of us on here know that we want to change. Where there's a will there's a way.

Mandbaby sorry to hear about your day, some days are just shit, aren't they?

I agree with you letsgo about bad behaviour not always being a need to reconnect. Tbh I think there rarely is a simple, single explanation to humsn behaviour znd kids are no exception!

Hello Creamandsugar, welcome to the group, no easy solutions here, but lots of support and letsgo always has some very wise words!

And thanks everyone for your kind words and support the other day, it really meant a lot

It's been a tough few weeks, with dh being away for two of the past three, dd1&2 arguing a lot. Me and dd1 pmsing at the same time, dd2 in the throes of preteen hormonal storms, and the two gorgeous but oh so demanding toddlers! My stress levels were a tad high.

Today has been much better though, with minimal arguing between dd1&2 and almost reasonable behaviour from the terrible twos.

Swimming definitely worked on this occasion, it did take snacks and DP coming to pick us up, but we did it.

It's frustrating as sometimes the answer seems to be get them out and doing stuff and sometimes, stay at home and don't try to do to much. It's often not until you've gone past the point of no return down one route, that you realise you should have taken the other. It feels like I'm constantly walking a knife edge trying to judge it, as there are many days when attempting swimming after school would end in disaster.

No shouting from me today, but did leave them to it when they were shouting at each other...