Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Sorry, phone was driving me insane. DS went to sleep on his own fully dressed in the light. DH asked me if I would put headphones on (as I was playing a game making an annoying noise) and it was such a relief, but it actually upset me more than I realised, the whole thing.

I should be sleeping so sorry this is disjointed. I probably won't see DS until after kindergarten as I have to get up early too.

bertie that sounds horrible! what a difficult way to end the day with your boy! remind me how old he is please. I wish I had a magic wand. Does he do this sort of thing with your DH or is it just you that gets treated to this? Has winding up Mummy become a game? My cold turkey on MN hasn't gone to plan but what I have been doing is looking on other sites (hand in hand and AHA in particular) I'll link if I find anything that might give some insight. Hugs (())

A magic wand? If you find it can I borrow it please? I have been feeling sick with anxiety and dread as there is too much going on in our lives at present. On Monday I said to DP I just cannot cope with one more thing. So of course two additional very stressful ongoing situations cropped up! I started AD on Tuesday. Hope they kick in bloody soon.

For me the hardest thing is around DS. As soon as we have some hope in his progress or joy in his development we get DGP (my side) saying yes but there are lots of things wrong with him that you are ignoring. Which are all the same things I've talked about here, which we ARE aware of, which we HAVE talked to professional people about, just not the right ones apparently.

I keep seeing DS through DGP eyes now, every little strop and failure to do what we say now seems to loom at me like this huge red flag for special needs. I just feel like a massive failure that I haven't produced a well behaved, emotionally regulated, socially competent, empathetic 3 year old.

We really need to get a proper specialist assessment just to nip this in the bud once and for all and to know what pathway we really need to be on. The repeated messages from them of 'wrong with him' and that we aren't doing the right things are really messing with my confidence because I didn't think we were putting our heads in the sand. I thought we were listening to professionals who advised wait and see, and were putting positive parenting in place in the meantime. I thought we were being sensible! Now I feel like a self-deluding fool and a crap parent.

Sorry for such a negative post above! I will come on another time and properly do hellos and replies. Just can't muster that up at the moment.

This article www.aea8.k12.ia.us/documents/filelibrary/jinni_horn/kids_do_well_if_they_can_ross_green_8E31787E09D9D.pdf by Ross Green just made me feel a bit of hope again. I think I even read it last year already. About to search out more by him and maybe send this to my dad!

Oh of course, Ross Greene is the Explosive Child author! No wonder the article made so much sense!

(((dishes))) Have a with me..
that article looks good with some sound advice I might apply to my (intelligent but inexplicably disastrous at managing some situations) 13 yr old DD.

GP's (thats grandparents not family doctors!) mean well and love their grandchildren but what they see as 'advice' so often arrives as criticism. On top of everything else it really doesn't help.

I just feel like a massive failure that I haven't produced a well behaved, emotionally regulated, socially competent, empathetic 3 year old
You are so not a failure.Think about yourself. If you had been born with a physical disability or something else 'wrong with you' would it be your parents fault? no

If your child needs specialist help because of a problem that is identified it is not your fault. You are doing your best. You are working hard to be the best parent you can be.
However, you cannot fix everything. You are doing the right thing by speaking to professionals and 'wait and see' seems like good advice, three is very young, many three year olds display all sorts of behaviours that in a more mature person would get them sectioned, locked up, socially ostracised, looked at funny on the bus, blackballed from the gentlemans club etc etc.
3 is little.
He is still developing. Children mature at different rates (physically, emotionally, intellectually) the range of 'normal' behaviour is vast at this age.

Go easy on yourself, I hope the other stressful things resolve soon and are not too serious.

the more I see on here the more convinced I am that everything is made worse by the mums needing RL support, a sounding board, a good listening friend, time out, relaxation, counselling etc etc. to get some distance and perspective from the problems they are facing and the relentlessness of toddlerdom.
Hang on in there folks, it does get easier....

Hmm, I think anyone with a well behaved, emotionally regulated, socially competent, empathetic 3 year old is a liar!!

3 year olds are developmentally emotionally all over the place, socially inept, programmed to push boundaries, and they don't develop proper empathy until about 7 (?) or something.

I got really upset last night and ended up crying on DH about how I feel I'm so crap. I feel better this morning but have a huge headache and feel hung over due to getting dehydrated, and he has a mass headache too because apparently I kept crying/wailing in my sleep and then waking up and saying sorry I was dreaming about making social gaffes which is pretty much my big fear because I find it really hard to figure out what the rules are sometimes.

Anyway, I feel less of a disaster now. I need to do some debriefing I think.

I read a hilarious quote from someone once which I always try to remember. It was something like:

"I love my kids. But if my friend took an entire hour to put on his shoes, I'd think he was kind of an asshole."

Aint that the truth. Kids are tiny assholes. We just have to steer them in the right direction and hope they grow out of it!

That's a really interesting article, Dishes. I've always known that DS2 isn't very good at handling transitions/change, but I'd never applied that to the transition between dinner time and tidying up time before. I'll have to have a think about how we can make that easier for him, and so for the rest of us!

More ((hugs)) all round.

I've just seen this on Aha Parenting which is a really good article and feeds into one of the points in When Your Kids Push Your Buttons, too, about our fears (which are often unconscious).

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Just dropped in to say hello and catch up.

Bertie, I subscribed to the AHA parenting site so get the updates in my inbox and I find them really helpful. That article dropped in just at the right time!

All is calm here at the moment (although it's Wednesday morning tomorrow, so I might be back on for my weekly rant!). Things have changed so much. I've noticed myself starting to panic about the time going too quickly and missing this amazing time when they're little... Which is in stark contrast to my previous head space (grit my teeth and wait for it to pass). We still have ups and downs and tantrums and frustration and days when I wish desperately for sleep but it all mostly feels... normal.

We're getting a bit quieter but I'll always be grateful to this thread!

How are you all getting on?

I'm struggling generally with my every now and again intense feeling that I'm useless at everything. But have been having better times with DS :) He has a friend coming to play on Friday and I was having fun picking out things they can make their own pizzas with.

Hi, I can really relate to lots on this thread. I have a 3-yeear-old DD who is generally good, but quite manipulative and cheeky too. I was posting on another thread about how much like a teenager she is - because she seems to be sometimes taking the piss! I know she's too young to really mean what she's saying, but I can't help feel irriated by it.
I'm just getting over a period of depression - a relapse after having PND. It's been really hard to cope with, because when I was ill I didn't really want anything to do with her. Sometimes I still feel overwhelmed by the thought that I've got her for life - and sometimes I worry that I'll never have an amazing bond with her - but I think that's a result of the anxiety rather than reality. Sorry if this is a bit rambly, but it sounds like this is a difficult age whatever the circumstances! XX

Hi all, especially welcome to new posters. I remember everyone going on about "the terrible twos" when I had my first child, but i found 3 much harder.
Slightly off topic, anyone else identify with this? After a few late night chats with my female friends I find that we all feel like this to some extent

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/nov/09/impostor-syndrome-oliver-burkeman.

Sorry don't know how to do neat links and too lazy to look up how to!
It probably links in with how we feel as parents too.
Just had a 'rocket fuel' coffee as have got up feeling REALLY inexplicably tired this morning, it's my day off, kids at school and I have much to do

Dropped off this thread for a while and it seems to have died. Is anyone still there?

Hi blue, I check back now and then but definitely gone quiet.

How are you getting on?

I'm still here, checking every now and then. Scared to post as I seem to have killed the thread
How are you both? ( and anyone else lurking?)

Generally good here - I wish I had more patience but we're mostly doing OK! The thing which really irritates me is that I now have a pretty good idea of what works (new techniques) and what doesn't (my natural reaction) whenever the heat rises - but it's so hard not to revert to what comes naturally. Where do these habits come from? It's bizarre.

How are things with you, LetsGo, any teen dramas recently?

Hello, I'm still here too (if you remember me?), have been following but finding it difficult to post.

I am having major problems with dts hitting dtd. They're just over two.
Am trying to avoid time out or punishments but not sure what to do, apart from removing from sister, crouch to his level and repeat for the millionth time we don't hit. (When I manage to stay calm)

Oh and dd2 (9&1/2) is having major hormonal meltdowns which I don't know how to handle.

Reading "when your kids push your buttons" at the moment. Was it you Letsgo that recommended it? I'm liking it, but still only read first chp. Hoping it'll give some strayegies to control my reactions!

Hi. We are all ok-ish. Little one had an op last week so is at home recovering with me today. (Nothing major but had two nights in hospital and now just need to make sure she eats and drinks enough - and doesn't spend all day on minecraft while her Mum looks at mumsnet!)

I've decided that the older one is really quite underweight and so I think this week is going to be all about putting nice food on the table and making sure it gets eaten. Academic work all finished (successfully ...hooray!) so that is a relief.

It was not me that recommended the button pushing book. I probably need to read it who is the author? My main book recommendation would be 'how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk" by Faber and Maslich ( may have typos there..)

CTC When my first was little and toddlers went through that "shoving other toddlers over just for fun" phase the advice was 'ignore the one that did the shoving/hitting/biting/whatever and make a fuss of the one that got hurt.' Because attention (even negative) is rewarding.

With my older one I am trying to shine on her like the sun if you know what I mean. It seems to help. She clearly feels some days she can do nothing right, gets very frustrated when things go wrong and we get a lot of "I'm so STUPID" with hair pulling (her own) etc.
I think of the story about the sun and the wind having an argument about who is the most powerful. They decide to see who is top dog by trying to get a jacket off a man that they see. The wind blows as hard as it can but the man just holds the jacket tighter around him, the sun shines warmly and very soon the jacket comes off......
Here endeth thought for the day

Hi letsgo

Hope your little one is recovering quickly.

The author of the buttons pushing book is Bonnie Harris, I'm finding it very useful in learning new ways to control my reaction to things.

Re the hitting thing, I keep reafing about trying to ignore but finding it very hard, today he was horrible, pushed her off a little chair, and many more, whacked her in the face at one point. Most of the time I snap, and shout at him, it is so random, violent and unexpected,

I find it hard to keep my calm.

When you say ignore, is it totally ignoring him? Just pick up injured party and nothing to him? Isn't ignoring a form of punishment though? Just wondering as dd1 used to get really wound up by ignoring!

I kind of get what you mean about the shining like the sun but not sure how to translate it in practical terms.

Thanks so much for your advice, food for thought!

Thanks ctc I'll look up that book. I will also try to give an example of the 'sunshine' thing, just kind of being loving and positive I suppose. I think anxious and angry teenagers (or pre pubescent children) need reassurance that they are lovable.
As to the dealing with aggressive toddler thing it is hard to be specific but I think physically moving him away with a clear calm 'No' then immediately turn your back on him, give the other one a cuddle or whatever is appropriate to the level of aggression received. Then just carry on playing, letting both be included. The ignoring only lasts as long as the others reassurance and cuddle/ replacement on chair/ application of plaster/ trip to A&E. Have you been able to see a pattern? Is there anything that sparks off the hitting, sorry just checked above and see that you have described it as 'random and unexpected'. Distraction can be a big winning tactic with this age group, it might be a good technique to use in the post incident time to get them back on track.
Best of luck anyway, this age is a massive challenge and I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job.
All is well here, up early enough to get the big one a good breakfast and off to school calm and prepared for the day, breakfast of pancakes and Nutella for recovering one, me drinking good coffee and listening to her tinkering on the piano as I made them thinking " well I've had worse mornings...."