Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Thanks for the holiday suggestions everyone - we are thinking the Gower or West Wales. It can be hard to motivate ourselves to go on holiday with the DCs, partly as it is hard work and partly we live in Dorset and are only 20 mins from the sea so we have a lot on our doorstep already.

My two are infuriating with their inconsistency at the moment. Eg DS had a asthma review after school - he was loud, obnoxious and generally an embarrassment in the surgery and thus DD copied and it was all a bit of a nightmare. However we then went across to the park opposite and he was brilliant at sharing and helping DD on the zip wire. DD has been really pretty good all day (for her!) but really didn't want to leave her jigsaw to do the school run - I tried nice, I tried understanding, cuddles etc but she refused the car seat and I literally had to force her in and she screamed all the way there, all the way to the classroom etc but then was fine again on the way home- ahhh! I always have tried to raise independent, confident DCs (although I know that is a lot to do with personality as well) but it doesn't half come back and bite you on the bum at times. I ask their opinion and listen to their ideas (as I always felt my parents didn't enough) but then they become too focal in their wants and cant accept there has to be compromise (though perhaps too much for DD at 2 to understand!!)

Hi to all, sorry not to name check.

But you can jump straight in - don't feel like you have to read the whole thread to respond :)

letsgo and monkey completely agree with the bear hunt analogy. I feel a bit like I have been wading through mud, grass etc for the last year, what with toilet training and tantrums. DD turns 3 next month and finally I feel like I'm under the covers with the door safely shut for a bit. She is suddenly charming, hardly ever whiny, only a few accidents a month and I am finally able to enjoy her being her for a while. I have always caught glimpses and enjoyed moments, but this has been pure, unadulterated delightful 3 year old lately (with the odd exception, but I don't expect perfect, I'd be bored!)
Going to stick with the thread though as you are all so lovely and I don't want to get too blasé!

Great new scout and that gives me hope! Although, already (apart from the epic temper tantrums) I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel as she approaches 2.5. DS and his silliness on the other hand.... will it ever end!

Tonight's comment when I asked why he was so silly at times - "oh I like being silly - its fun!" Oh good!

Welcome to the thread, learner. Hope you've had a better few days. How old are your DC(s)? Feel free to chat about what's been going on. Between us I think we've dealt with pretty much everything in the last two months! Not saying that we'll have answers but we can offer support and pretty sure someone, if not all of us, will be able to emphasise fully! But if you have time to read through, there is a lot of helpful stuff on here.

I've been mainly having issues getting through to DH recently who seems too be retreating into himself and letting everything get to him. He gets up in a bad mood and that drives the way he deals with the kids and therefore sets the scene for the day. It is frustrating because I can almost see it unfold before my eyes and then I leave for work and feel like it is all going horribly all day. Today I decided to write up my parenting philosophy and sent it to him by email to prompt him to do the same. He is avoiding the subject... Does anyone think that was a bit much of me? I thought it was a good idea at the time and I kept it honest and non judgy.. On the one hand I know that he is probably finding it super hard being a SAHD here and I can totally understand that. But it really frustrates me that he doesn't try to work out a different way to handle things and instead just shouts at them and then gives up when I get home and sits there ignoring us all. I want to be supportive but dammit sometimes it feels like I need to babysit everyone and I'm just too tired. ARGH!...

New people, of course you can leap right in. It is quite a long thread now and time is precious
searching oo er. Emailing him your parenting philosophy to the coal face while you are at your desk. Ummmmm. I'll take the fifth on that I think. Seriously though, it depends on what conversations have gone on about it. and him sitting back and letting you deal with it all as soon as you get home is not on. Could you take 10 mins to sit down together when you get in ? (him and you) have a cuppa or a martini and discuss your days and what needs to happen next and who will do it. Think of it as a team meeting, a handover or whatever.
purple yes calm is good and can de-escalate a temper quite magically sometimes. You are lucky to have skills to draw on but the emotional involvement you have with your children can make that rational self disappear.
jiggle I struggle to compromise some days! And I'm 47
learner feel free to tell us about it. Hope things get better soon.

Thanks for the honesty letsgo. I think our biggest problem is that we don't talk about things enough. If I raise anything he just thinks I am having a go and shuts down and leaves the room. And then the other half of the time I don't want to raise stuff in case he reacts like that. To be honest this issue goes further than this subject but anyways. That is why sometimes we communicate better by email which sounds weird. Sigh, there's another area where work is required...

searching good luck with that communication stuff. I think it is a big challenge in families, I am sure you know I wasn't being critical. Simple typed messages have so much nuance missing and those emoticons don't really amend that absence fully. (I'm thinking mn not your email) I often email my DH while we are both at work, it tends to be a good medium in which to get communication going again after a row, don't know why really one other useful thing from this thread is learning that the parenting issues we have are often linked to our fellow parents and the relationships we have with them.......it's nice to know it's not just me

Not taken as critical - I do appreciate you saying what you think. That is why I asked! Sometimes things seem like a good idea in my inner world and then once they are done I realise they should maybe have stayed in the inner world... :) I am glad I am not the only one to use email to diffuse rows! :)

We have a busy weekend coming up - hoping not too much for the boys. Fingers crossed!

I've emailed DH in the past. It was one of those times when he made a fairly innocuous comment, but it blew open a whole sensitive issue behind the comment, magnified anyway by hormones and sleep deprivation and general fear (DS was really tiny at the time). We just couldn't seem to talk our way out of it without getting into more of a tangle so in the end I emailed him. It really did work on that occasion!!

Searching did your DH work before you left the UK or has he always been SAHD?

Scout and jiggle I'm looking forward to reaching that stage with DD!

Hope everyone's having a good weekend! X

Hi there, I'm a newbie to this thread and haven't had the time to read past the first two pages.

It's made me cry though to realise that I'm not totally alone. I had an awful morning getting my son out the house (2.5) and have just spent two hours crying (and eating chocolate!). Basically, it was all going ok until I couldn't find my house keys and he started biting -HARD - his sister (9 months). I can't tolerate (and I do meant can't, not that I don't want to because it's wrong) biting or hitting. I put him on the bottom of the stairs and was shouting. I KNOW it's pointless, but I hate people hurting each other in our house, because I came from a home I didn't feel safe in. Wait for the irony though. He leant back and the baby gate opened. As I went to close it, he ran upstairs. I've got a damaged calf muscle, so can't run after him, so grabbed his ankle and ended up pulling him back. I am HORRIFIED and feel sick and just can't stop crying about it.

I think I've also got a problem with my thyroid again, so going to Dr tomorrow, but I'm feeling now that someone should just take my kids away, because I'm such a crap parent.

I don't know if it's my thyroid, my past, the fact I haven't slept a full night in years and we live somewhere where I have no friends or family (DH has a couple of friends here, also no family), a combination of all of that, or if I'm just a shit parent. I want to be a better parent, but this morning makes me question what sort of person I am, because I could never in a million years have imagined that I could be so brutal to a little person. And in the end, does it really matter why? There just isn't an excuse.

I'd forgotten about the Orange Rhino site, so will take a look at it again. I know Aha! well, for what it's worth - that's the parent I was when I had one child. Nobody told me that going from 1 to 2 children was FAR more than double the work!

As this is a positive sort of thread, I should say that everything was going pretty well until that point!

Hi Bunny, welcome and a massive hug to you. I think most of us on the thread know exactly where you are right now, you are definitely not alone.

Yy to "that's the parent I was when I had one child" - I know that feeling so very very well. And yes, to feel that you've lashed out, albeit in the only way you can find in the heat of that moment to keep them safe, at the little person who means more to you than anything else, is beyond heartbreaking.

This thread has helped me beyond words, as much as anything to reflect and evaluate and move forwards in a way that makes me a better parent. My childhood wasn't all bad but I seem to have blocked out a lot of it and remember a lot of the sort of parent I don't want to be - it can make you feel a bit adrift sometimes when you know what you're trying to avoid but don't really have a positive model to fall back on.

You're more than welcome to join in anyway

I have toddler twins (19 months old) boy and girl.

They are a handful...!

I'm blogging about it for therapy. Read here:

mummyofboygirltwins.wordpress.com/

Maybe do something you enjoy too it's helped me lots x x

Hi bunny and mummyof will have a look at the blog thanks for link. bunny mine are now much older but I remember the sheer frustration of trying to get out of the house with toddler/baby combo. And also that sort of frustration induced rage which you look back on and in retrospect are horrified by. Welcome to the thread, it is positive but you really don't have to be if you've had a shit day. Just tell us all about it. It sounds like it is all a bit overwhelming at the mo. The initial post by monkey has good advice in terms of "choosing one thing to be less crap at as a time", only you know what you need to prioritise (sleep, join a toddler group, thyroid, revisiting AHA site). You are not a shit parent, you are having a difficult time. Here are some hugs(((())))

Just having a bit of a wallow before work. I fcking hate work mornings.

Pick-ups are getting worse, last night was awful. Things settled when we got into the house but DS kind of swung between being amazing and a nightmare. Then this morning, full-on whining again, about nothing at all (if he wants his Cheerios without milk he can have his Cheerios without milk, no resistance from me) and then because his sister dared to make a noise, he kicked her hard in the face.

I shouted. I hauled him to the other side of the kitchen. DD just looks at me when I get mad like she doesn't know me and I want to cry and cry. Sometimes I just feel so tired of all this :( :( :(

Whether I feel like I'm doing a good job or a rubbish job, the feeling that I'm either pandering to others or failing feels very wearing sometimes.

Right. Onwards and upwards.

Sorry for the self-pitying post btw

'Frustration induced rage' just about covers it, I get so cross at myself for finding it so hard to take a step back and deal with things in a pragmatic way. It's back to the triggers we talked about earlier in he thread, there was so much going on and the kick was just the last straw.

It colours my whole day when we have a bad morning, I find it difficult to shake it off until I'm back with them. I really do empathise with the poster who then had to spend the weekend without her DCs while they were at their dads.

I need to go and revise the AHA whining info though because it does drive me to distraction.

Hi to mummy and bunny.

Monkey "Frustration induced rage". Yes, that's me too. And then shame induced grumpiness. It's not been a good few days here either. Stress through the roof, which doesn't help!

One thing from the wellbeing taster session that I picked up was that it takes a very long time for adrenaline etc to settle back to normal once the fight or flight reaction has kicked in. I need to be aware of that and make the effort to cool down... I have finally managed to book telephone consultation, but it's not for 3 weeks, so I can't just sit around and wait for that...

I am definitely back. I have got over my irritating smug period and am back on the bad mother's bench.

I'll definitely go back and read properly (and finish the stuff I was supposed to be posting weeks ago) but for now I will just brain dump.

I am sliding into a pit again. I'm not depressed, I feel really happy most of the time but I've lost my motivation to DO anything. I feel tired all the time and crappy. I'm just looking around the flat and it's a total tip. I feel guilty because DH has been working extra hours this week and he's going to come home today to a total dump. Hopefully will have time to tidy up a bit after writing this.

I have decided I need to do a "reflection" on the day before I go to bed. I have a diary which is called "Q&A a Day" where it asks you a little question every day and just a few lines to write about. I'm going to fill that in but also try to PREPARE more for the next day and actually think about how I want to spend my evening, because at the moment I tend to think "I want to do something..." but then mumsnet until it's time for me to go to bed.

On that note I have set myself "bedtimes" using an app called sleepytime (you can also just go to www.sleepyti.me) based on my alarm time in the morning. I am feeling better for sleeping longer but I'm sort of "minor sludge" rather than "full on sinking in quicksand". Maybe I need to start taking iron again.

I am finding myself constantly irritated by DS again, just when I had started to enjoy him most of the time :( He's not even being particularly annoying, I don't think, just being a normal child. I would love to not have this intense irritation constantly.

General issues we are struggling with at the moment (any tips?)

• Seeming refusal to take in something which has been repeated 4i9475798479789478 times like "Don't climb on my chair" "Stop pulling the cover off the sofa" "Don't stand on the coffee table" "Please flush the toilet" I have even tried asking him how I can get him to remember. He suggested I should shout it in his face. Lovely.

• Patience. I know it's normal for a 5yo to not have much patience but he is SO impatient. I said he could have a coin for doing a job the other day, he was excited so offered to go and get my purse. I said no, I'll give it to you later, we're not going out yet anyway so there's no rush." He went ON and ON about getting my purse, but I didn't want him in my bag. Ended up shouting before he would listen. Then he asked constantly "Can you give me the money now?" until I got so annoyed I said he had to go one whole hour without mentioning it otherwise he couldn't have it. Said it wasn't a reward for the job any more but for having patience (yep I know, shouldn't have repurposed it). There's no way he would have made it - he lasted about 15 minutes max without asking "Is the hour over yet?" We went out and that distracted him so in the end I said OK technically you waited an hour. But it is an ongoing thing. It's like he gets really anxious if something doesn't happen now. He will have screaming crying fits if I don't go back and look at something he wants to show me on the way home.

• Me getting frustrated with him when trying to teach him something. He has his first lace up shoes (why???) so that's going well. I was so patient with him when he was younger :( These days I find it so hard to try and teach him things and I really can't identify my trigger point at all. Maybe I'll ask DH about this one. I'm going really well until it gets to a certain point and then I can hear my voice going all high and panicky and then DS gets defensive and then angry and says he can't do it anyway and it's all just stupid. I REALLY want to tackle this. I can see he's going along the direction that he'll soon be saying "I can't do this, I'm so stupid" and I don't want that to happen.

I think I need to join this thread! I've got a 21 month old and a 10 month old and it's bloody hard work. My 21 month old is in the 'no' to everything stage and driving us crackers and my 10 month old seems to be permanently teething or suffering from a cold and is quite often a bad tempered little chap who just throws back his head and screams and screams and screams....sometimes for up to an hour without a break. Admittedly after I've tried holding him and he continues screaming full tilt in my face and grabbing at me, I put him down and let him blow until I feel calm enough to try again. My daughter is a very sweet and once she's through the worst of the toddler stages we'll be ok as she's not so bad on the tantrum front yet, but it worries me how angry DS gets as he's been like this from the word go.

Anyway I've just bellowed at DD for deliberately spilling her drink on the floor .....

Oh I wish I could solve it all for you all, I'm not going to name check. I will just have a go at distilling what I've learned (and found useful) from stuff I have read and what I know from my own experience and memory of that toddler time. Bear with me, some of this you'll know.

1. Descriptive praise - even if they only do one thing right in 20 minutes of whinging try and notice, and tell them what they did that you liked. (Eg. You put that coat on a hook, well remembered, you are helping to keep the house tidy and I like that!)
2. Reflective listening - so they know that you can recognise when they are feeling happy, sad, frustrated,angry and they feel 'heard'. This also helps to give them language to use so that they can express those emotions in words not just throwing Lego.
3. If at all possible leave the house every day. A toddler group can be an absolute lifesaver, so can a nice big field. A wise man told me to take my toddler to a field once (a two year old seems very big in a room, not so big on a field)
4. When telling them something you want them to hear, get to their level, lower your voice (deeper and quieter) and try to take time to get the words right, you only want to say it once ideally so need to make sure they've heard (this is the nicer and more grown up way to "shout it in his face" )
5. Give them time (10 second rule) to process what you have said and in that time say nothing. If you can let them 'be clever' rather than telling them what to do they can get a kick out of solving a problem. Eg. Rather than "put your shoes on" try "we're going for a walk outside, what does the baby need to wear?" "I've still got my slippers on and there are puddles...what should we do?"
6. If you say don't jump on the sofa they don't hear the 'don't', it creates a vacuum. Try to make direct instructions designed to stop them doing something undesirable positive rather than negative. "I'd like you to sit with your bottom on the cushion (or the tv will be turned off until you do..)" rather than "stop bashing your truck on the table" "trucks belong on the floor or the car track, tables are for plates." Etc

I am not telling you all this from any position of know all ness ( if anyone can tell me how to get my 13 year old to eat more and my 25 yr old to be happy and my 12 year old to stop expecting the world to spin exactly as she likes it then I would be grateful... .) books such as 'how to talk so kids will listen' the AHA site and a book called 'how to be a better parent' are the resources I would go to and have found useful.
Last but by no means least there is an organisation called 'home start' which exists precisely because the problems you are all facing are recognised and universal and endlessly challenging. It is for ordinary parents of pre schoolers who are having a hard time. You can self refer or go through a health visitor (I think) if you google it there is plenty information.
Good luck all ((())) I'd be delighted if any of this is useful please check back and let me know how it's going. The other big thing that I've not dealt with is how to stay calm and look after your own needs, that's a whole other big post and I don't have any magic solutions. Hope bedtimes are going well.

I have to say that just writing down what I was feeling and reading parts of this thread has made a big difference to me. I was also on a thread somewhere on FB that is for mums local to us (I don't know any of them really, just one who I had a chat with about a month ago). It was about dealing with toddlers. Just hearing that I'm not a terrible parent for shouting at my 2 year old, even though it's not the best thing to do, made me feel better.

On the back of feeling better, I've been able to look at things in a different light and seen that I've been letting everything get to me over the past few months, which has in turn influenced how I react to my son. My husband is quite authoritarian and it's rubbed off on me too, out of essentially being too tired to think for myself! I've got him reading Aha too now and he's finding it a revelation!! (And I'm finding it a revelation that he's actually reading anything to do with parenting!).

We're about to go away for the weekend though, on a plane, then train, so my rediscovered coolness and calmness is more than likely going to be tested quite toughly the minute the doors to the plane shut!!!

Right, got to be at the doctors in eight hours for 27, yes, 27 blood tests (I'm assuming that they're not needing to draw blood 27 times!). My doctor thinks that perhaps I've got allergies..and I'm all for anything that gives my grouchiness an excuse!

(((((Bertie,Monkey,caffeine,Blueeyes and anyone else further up)))))
That was a group hug by the way. And letsgo thanks for keeping us sane. Just wanted to say I've been reading but not really able to post through one thing or another. Partly a worrying lethargy that is making me waste my evenings sitting on facebook or mumsnet. I feel a bit drained and it's not so much because of the boys - they are definitely doing a lot better (or I should say we are) but work is a bit pants and I have that familiar feeling where I don't think I am doing any of my jobs particularly well. Not looking for sympathy, just need to snap out of it really. I have been trying to write a blog since we moved over here but recently anything I write seems dull and boring to me and I can't bring myself to post it. Writers block?? :)
Anyway - just wanted to send hugs really. It's nearly midnight and must go to bed.

bunny I am so glad you are feeling a bit more positive and that your DH is trying to be 'on the same page' by reading the AHA site stuff.
bertie your posts always make me laugh. 'Irritating smug period' my turn yesterday, it won't last! It's the insight on here that's great.
However, reading between the lines I'm not the only one that is starting to find the whole social networking thing a bit of a time theif. Last night I was not paying attention when my DD was doing her homework and consequently fall out and distress happened later. I need to be more engaged at home and I'm a tiny bit addicted to MN. Can still be on here clicking at midnight when really sleep matters more than finding out just how judgemental and nasty sone of the posters here ( not HERE ) can be.
I need to go cold turkey for a bit. I will be back and see if I can take the good bits and limit my time and not get clicking on the "shall we call him Englebert?" And "guess what my MIL said " type threads.
((((All of you, new and old posters)))). I like the group hug

I started posting last night but we've had another crazy night with DD - she gets an ear infection every month or so; she'll have a terrible, terrible night then something pops and it's less painful for her but with more gunk than is surely possible for an ear that size. So I had to stop writing about parenting and go and actually... parent. Ho hum. Back to the doctors, I think!

((((((((((( group hug )))))))))) right back at you all

Bunny - it really does help, doesn't it.

Searching - I'm so glad that things are a bit more peaceful with your boys at the moment but I can relate to that feeling of lethargy.

givemecaffeine - welcome!

letsgo, great advice as usual.

Bertie - did you have an irritating smug period?! Glad you're back, anyway!

The thing which really puzzles me is why I emotionally over-react to things related to DCs.

The other day, for example, all that actually happened was that we all woke up in crap moods, following an entire evening of stropping by DS, so having dealt with his unneccessary whining all morning, when he kicked his sister in the head, it pissed me off. So far so reasonable, really. I picked him up under his armpits and marched him to the other side of the kitchen, where I unceremoniously but without undue force, dumped him to sit over there until we all calmed down a bit.

It's not the ideal way to start the day but why did it make me feel SO out of sorts? So much so I took completely the wrong route to work ( ) and stuck a :( :( :( post on here. I really was shaking my head at myself all day, but still couldn't shake it off until we got back to normal that evening.

And why do I feel like such a crap parent for incidents like this when, admittedly I don't always handle things perfectly, but who does?

Although my day-to-day aim is to parent in a way which wouldn't embarrass me if I was being watched, I need to accept that our home won't be like an episode of the Waltons ever every minute of every day, otherwise by the time we reach their teenage years I'll be a jibbering mess...

Letsgo it's not so much that he's not doing stuff when asked, more that he's been told a million times not to do something but insists on keeping doing it. I don't know if he's not remembering or not noticing or doing it on purpose but it's all small enough stuff that it seems way ott to impose a sanction for. Just grrr!

To add to that he's just being really rude and horrible to me all the time. Every time there's some kind of comparison with me and DH he always makes some shitty comment about me and although I know I shouldn't take it personally - I can cope fibe with "I hate you" etc! - it's a bit shit to hear that I'm "okay" and Daddy is awesome. Maybe ill ask DH to have a word because at the moment he tends to find it funny which isn't helping. To be fair, I thought it was funny at first, just one of those things kids say.

Tonight he was messing around, I can't remember whatexact but being rude and obnoxious. I warned him he would get a screen ban if he carried on but then he decided "I'm going to wee in your face!" Obv he didn't actually wee but stood behind me with his Willy out making a psssss noise. FFS! So I told him that's it, you have a screen ban now and it's time for bed so go and get changed. I ended up taking him to his room, much screaming about how he hates books and didn't do anything anyway. DH woke up from a nrap and I told him what happened so he then went in and told DS to stop shouting as what he did was very rude and disgusting

He fell asleep.