Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Them = dcs, not rubbish days!! :)

hello, mercurial teens and nearly teens here. my younger DDs have run through a whole emotional range within minutes of crashing through the door.
Generally good though. persistence and consistency (and rapidly steering DH into the kitchen when he cheerfully arrived home from work and nearly toppled the fragile peace I had engineered as DD3 came down from her very high and very noisy emotional place) all paid off in the end.
monkey sounds like last night you really made some progress. that still stands no matter what happened tonight (your marbles are still in the jar!)
nellie all sounds good in the big apple, glad school going well. like you say, babysteps. keep doing the right thing and good things will happen.
Holidays can be difficult. I'll be around some of the time with or or or whatever is needed.

Well, just survived a weekend on my own with DC as DP had to go away at the last minute. We did great, actually, I think I had the when-you-are-ill mentality, but I want a medal for my house keeping as I have been on top of that stuff recently and maintained standards the whole weekend. Even my mum would have to work hard to disapprove. It's work she's willing to do, though

Monkey, you really have come so far. Two steps forward and one back is still overall progress.

What has everyone got lined up for.Easter? I have some serious stuff to think about- my mat leave ends very soon. I want to weep actually. I am returning very slowly by using leave and am pt anyway but it's the bye-bye baby that stings...

Still finding DP a bit stressful. We've had lots of.conversations and I'll think he's getting it but then he's back to arguing with our 3 yr old at the drop of a hat. As if talking loudly and insistently would, you know, 'work' and said 3 yr old would say, "Wow, this is important to Daddy! Maybe I won't draw on the table after all!" FFS. I'm plodding on with talking positively about DR and I really getting on and.what I'm doing that I think is working. But I'm starting to think we.need a frank discussion about it.

Sorry to have been so quiet - we have a house of chicken pox here which is perfect for the start of the holidays

Monkey - don't be so down on yourself, you sound like you have more ups than downs which is the opposite to how this thread started which is just fantastic. There will always be times when we act how we don't want to but at least you recognise this which is half the battle won!!

I have two very demanding, cooped up children to handle right now but will be back later as have been interrupted about 20 times making this small post (which is fair enough really, MN is pretty anti-social )

Just called DD a selfish brat she was, to the extreme, but feel awful!

sparkly you made me laugh, "work she's willing to do" lol lollity lol. Mine too but things have got better over the years. Mum no longer turns up nursing a bottle of bleach and a disapproving look .
fush hope they are not too bad with the spots! at least they are all getting it over with at the same time, are they? Better that than staggered cos chickenpox has a really long incubation period so just as you think one is better another comes out in spots!
We are off to west wales for a week then home again, I think we are all imagining a very different holiday, plenty negotiating practice potential.
(Me, coast path walking and watching the sun set with a sundowner, monopoly and card games, No Screens and as little cooking as poss.
Himself, sleep, mackerel fishing, beer
Kids, rock pooling, pony trekking and loads of free time to watch TV!)
Let's see how it pans out

Letsgo - your holiday sounds fab, am quite , but maybe that's the cabin fever talking!

You're right about incubation.. The last week I had the DC, DD got her spots two days in and that scuppered us for the week, get them back and a day later, DS is covered. He is smaller though and does seem to have it much worse but that's why I snapped at DD. I feel really bad but when she was ill, me and DS stayed home and made her feel better. Now the roles are reversed, she is just dreadful - and I hate saying that! But she just can't handle him getting more attention and just pushes my buttons...

The selfish comment came when I asked her to pass a juice box which she had started about 2 hours before but had one mouthful from. DS coughing like he's about to bring up a lung.. she grabbed the carton and began to drink it, even though she wasn't thirsty, just because DS needed it Ten such incidences today, and I lost it. The thing is, it was hers but I just wanted her to think of her brother for a change.. but I also know she's at a very selfish age! It is hard as well, on my own, as both DC just want me all to themselves

Nellie - if you crack the sibling rivalry thing, please let me know. It is so hard because you know they love each other so much but just act out...

Anyways, tomorrow is another, better day!

Hope everyone else is having a fabulous easter holidays with lots of nice plans. We were supposed to be going to Peppa Pig World tomorrow but that will have to wait for another, less spotty day!

Things have been pottering on with us. Good days and bad days like most of you.
Fush I completely get where you are coming from, but I think I was a bit similar at that age . I definitely remember my mum telling me off for being a bit self-obsessed (probably rightly!!)

The thing that's getting to me lately is DD's whining nearly all the time unless she wants something, at which point she transforms into sweet, beautiful little girl with blue-eyed cuteness and adorable chubby cheeks!
Anyone any ideas?! It's her 3rd birthday soon, so I am considering saying she can't have a party if she continues, but she doesn't really get action vs consequence.

Thanks Scout - she clearly adores her brother so it's not out of spite I don't think, she's just not mastered the whole sharing thing (2.5 years down the line )

I think your DD might be a bit small for the consequence you're suggesting though - I would go for more immediate removal of stuff, be it TV or toy or dessert? I am clearly no expert but her party is too far away for her (even if its only a few days away) to grasp that her behaviour now will have an impact. Plus, that is a huge punishment for a 3 yr old.. but then I don't know what her tantrums are like! I did find 3 harder than 2, and 4 harder than 3 - really looking forward to 5

Sorry - just seen it's whining that's causing the problems.. I really feel for you as when DD starts with that voice.... arghhhh! Massive sympathies

We struggle with sharing too, but that's developmentally appropriate, right? I think with younger siblings, the older one also has been forced into sharing their most precious relationships and naturally will harbour some resentment about sharing in general. Perhaps address these feelings rather than punish? We try to give DS (3) some alone time with each of us every week, we have things he absolutely doesn't have to share (though must take out of sight of DD if he wants to play unfettered) and with visiting children we do a quick tour and put anything away he says he's not willing to share that day. It's my thinking that if he's not forced to share then he'll feel less possessive - and long term be better at sharing. When there isn't a practical solution - e.g. he's playing with household stuff that isn't 'his' to take off her or there's just no way of stopping her getting into his stuff (we're in a tiny flat) we offer sympathy ('It's hard to share;' 'it's frustrating because she doesn't understand how to play' etc.) and also we offer strategies to him to solve the problem himself ('is there anything she could play with here?' 'shall we give her something else?' 'is there a way of her joining in without ruining this game?' 'could you move it out of her reach?'). It hasn't solved the problem but I think that this is because he is three rather than because he is selfish. It only takes a quick reminder and he will look out something to offer her etc. He's still cross and overly rough but we are getting there.

Interestingly he's quite good at waiting quietly or asking/ negotiating for turns with other children's stuff - this is relatively recent, maybe a couple of months. He seems to understand that it is really hard for people to share and that they may need some support/ adult intervention if he's to have a turn of something. He's less understanding if it is an absolute 'no' from the other child - which is something which I insist we honour because I honour it with him. I usually ask him for the other child and more often than not he will say 'you can have a turn in five minutes' or similar or will play for a while then simply offer out of the blue -and soak up the approval, ha ha - I try to name it as 'it feels good to share!' but only when he is smiling benevolently. If he is less pleased I will point to the other child's delight in getting the prized object.

Not very much of this, though, works with his sister - it's peers he is good with. I read that as being because he has a complex set of grudges around her anyway and want to alleviate those feelings rather than solidify them by forcing him to share stuff. However, if he's randomly grabbing off her, I do make him find something to exchange and tell him that if he wants to keep his own stuff we have to teach her that by letting him keep hers. And I'm sympathetic rather than cross. Like I say, it's not quite working yet but I do perceive incremental improvements so suppose that it will come if we are consistent and kind about his difficult feelings.

Sorry about the essay. I can't even write my own name in less than 300 words.

Hi everyone :)

I've caught up with the thread but we're away this week with little ones who can't settle so replies might need to be brief!!

Your posts have made me smile! x

Feeling utterly washed out here tonight. attended DD2's emotional and difficult parents evening after a full day at work and tonight to cap it all off, i was making a loaf of bread (breadmaker not domestic goddess) and cos I couldn't be bothered to retrieve the scissors from the draining board tore open the (last) yeast sachet....horizontally down the packet......spillling yeast everywhere but where it needed to be........
need my holiday...

Just reread that post. It should read diagonally down the packet. Horizontally wouldn't have rained yeast all over the kitchen.

Unfortunately my computer decided to update itself and I lost the entire thing But never mind. I'll probably redo it when I'm not feeling crappy and tired.

Oh Bertie that is frustrating! If you have a lot sometimes it works well to put it all into a word document then cut and paste when it's all done. We have had a better day here today. dd2 happier and positive plans following the awful parents evening. I've had too much tonight so better not say much cos it will be Nonsense.

Letsgo sorry to hear that parents evening was tough :(

While on the one hand I'm irrationally and selfishly glad it's not just a complete inability on my part to handle small children, it breaks my heart when I have to listen to all the mad stuff DS does at school too.

Bertie, I hate it when that happens

We've had a great week. We're with my parents and the difference when it's the kids who are outnumbered is huge . I'm so jealous of people who have this kind of support regularly! It's going to be tough for all 3 of us going back to normality but we've still got a day left so no moping yet. I need to plan some fun, busy days to ease us back in when we get home.

DS has grown up so much, he's a bit too cool for school at the moment. It's quite funny.

How's everyone's week been?

Monkey - you sound so relaxed, I am so pleased I agree that everything is much easier with someone else on hand, even if it's just someone to raise eyebrows at when things are going crazy! I don't miss much about my exh, but I miss that. ..

BUT - the plus side is not having to share days like the last two with a miserable man. DS was well enough at last for us to venture out today & yesterday and by popular demand, we went to the local forest on both days! Just liberating - outside, peaceful, nature with dens to build, streams to splash in and new friends to meet sorry to sound so sentimental and twee but after being cooped up for so long, it was wonderful to just let both DC run wild for a while! I think much more time stuck indoors would've finished us off!

Down side is I had to drop them to exh on the way home and that's them gone for another week Never gets easier!

So I am back to work tomorrow after my 'holiday' - what's everyone elses plans as I looks like the weather is going to hold!

Letsgo - hope you're having the break that you want and get a chance to kick back with a few nice walks.

Nellie - how's it going stateside - has your DSs school broken up for the holidays? I bet there's loads of things you're still keen to see.

Hello! It has been ages and I have missed you! Hi fushandchups, you sound like me

There has been so much going on lately I had to cold turkey on social media (except for lurking a bit) and simplify simplify. Sometimes the 'noise' of life gets a bit much and the old brain has too much to juggle, especially when there are challenging small people to live with.

I caught up on the thread and smiled and sighed with you all and wanted to reply but now can't remember any specifics to comment on. Must be a bit tired.

Things have been better and still hard at the same time. DS continues hitting himself but not us much. I think he is channeling it all into needing to hit something so it has become himself. No luck with bashing balls around outside with tennis rackets or whacking a rolled up newspaper on a post, he just doesn't want to. I am going to designate an angry pillow and see if that works. It is worst when he is tired I notice.

He is settling at nursery better now and enjoying himself more, which is such a balm to my soul. We live and die on their happiness more than is healthy! At least I do.

It's funny I notice I have slipped back into 'telling off' mode more than I want to, partly because I wasn't sure if the soft approach was working and it isn't what I was brought up with. This thread is so affirming. I can't remember who it was talking about their DH and how he was telling off DC and he sounded like a twat or something silly, and I thought YES! What have I been thinking, I need to get back to not being a twat and being kind!

Not that I haven't been aiming for kind, it is just so hard to keep up hour after hour day after day when lots is going on and things are a bit hard and it doesn't seem to work every time. You can still lose sight of the fact they are THREE and not designed to want to do what you say when you say it or even pay attention to you. And all the other things that trigger your own emotional crazy. Which I apparently have in buckets.

I had been aiming for kind and firm. But I think I have been not letting enough small stuff slide and just expecting too much, being kind but maybe too firm and not enough kind to balance it out enough. Was it here that someone said a child psych they know says for each stern thing you tell a kid you need to say 8 affirming loving things? Well that is my goal this week. To make the kind far far outweigh the firm / stern.

I will report back as able

it's work she's willing to do

another that strong willed child article you linked to upthread was just what I needed to see today, thank you xxx

sparkly it was you that struck me so much with this:

"I am on day 3 and have coming to the blinding insight that telling my son off.doesn't work. It doesn't stop him behaving badly either in the immediate context or.in the future. I have been operating a no-telling-off policy all week - I give information, if it doesn't stop I intervene, I am as kind as possible about his resistance to my intervention and try to redirect asap. Well it's quite interesting because what it mainly has done is improved MY temper, I have not felt The Rage for days. I wonder if I maybe have been talking myself into furies? A side effect is that now I listen to my DP do the spiel (to our THREE year old!!!) and to be frank, he just sounds like a nob!!! Ha, obvs I sounded like this mere days ago and probably will again at some point! which I'm sort of wondering how to broach with him. Or maybe I just model a better way and hope he sees it going better for me? Is that enlightened and respectful.or self-servingly non-confrontational?"

No-telling off policy, giving information, intervening if necessary, kindly, and redirect. THIS! Thank you. And not being a nob (or a fanjo)

scout and nellie grrr those men! Luckily DP gets how hard it is to a degree, ever since I was ill with the flu for a couple of days and he had to do all the child / house things. And today when he had DS for 3 hours on his own! It is terrible how much I love it when he says how hard it is. I know! I say and sympathise loads