Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Definitely understanding ourselves helps us to understand our children, I think.

I also forgot to mention in my mammoth post - sorry have a tendency to ramble and want to include every bit of information no matter how tangential. But DS has responded well to me going back to some techniques that I used to use when he was much littler, about 2 or so - pre warning and setting out of expectations, expecting him to need lots of reminding rather than expecting him to remember rules, etc.

Being a mega poster today - and please don't be offended, but when I visualise you all, I see a monkey, an elephant (Nellie), the Liquorice Allsorts cartoon person (Bertie) and a bouncy castle (jiggle)! Sorry if I've missed anyone!

I think there is an actual Bertie Basset on here somewhere. I look like this.

Oh dear. Just had a massive fail over tidying up. Lost my temper big time and generally acted in just the same way I was telling DS1 off for being about 5 minutes earlier. But he's 7. How can I expect better standards of a 7-year-old than I can manage for myself? :(

Wow.
Bertie you are brilliant. monkey, never mind making notes, you lot should be looking for a publisher!
I was thinking about something positive I could say about what Nellie was going through, and thinking along the lines of how difficult it was for 4/5 year olds to link their present frustration with past misdemeanor for which the (frustrating) consequence was being applied. I was also totting up the "stressful life events" that Nellie and her family had been through recently and thinking they all need to "let things slide" a bit. Would I be completely off the mark Nellie if I made the assumption that someone who is sufficiently successful that they can relocate to NY is possibly quite a high achiever who has very high expectations of herself? Sorry if that is all a bit amateur psychologist. Anyway, Bertie and Dishes came along and articulated lots of what I was thinking in such glorious helpful detail I don't need to say anything now.......
Might say a bit more later, lots of folk I've not said hello to, DCs currently need me here not with head in an ipad!

I did write a blog for a bit but I'm too lazy to keep it up and also I kept being terrible at parenting so writing a parenting blog felt really hypocritical. I was thinking about starting it back up but not sure.

Having high expectations definitely rings a bell for me. I often feel I've failed if I don't hit my mark. I was talking about this with DH the other day actually. He says that at work/in life generally, he finds the best person he can at the thing he wants to do and strives to beat them, to be better than them. He wants to pass this on to DS as a philosophy. I initially felt very hostile about this because I really don't like competition, in fact I find it incredibly unhelpful to compare myself to others because it always makes me feel like I'm not doing well enough. I tend to feel that different people have different strengths and we can't be the best at everything (or, likely, anything, there are too many people in the world.) I have no interest in being the best at something. If I'm doing whatever it is well, then that's good enough for me and I don't feel the need to be the best. I also find it quite a demoralising idea.

However then he explained it a bit more, that it doesn't matter if you're not the best, he's still taking inspiration from people and working towards that goal and that makes him better at what he does even if he is not the best yet. I don't know, I understood it a bit more I think, because I suppose that in a way I do look at people around me, I see what I like and what I don't like, and I like to think that 99% of the time I'm avoiding those things I don't like, which can take a lot of work. Where I fall down is that I fail to recognise that I've achieved this and instead focus on the fact that other people are doing things I like that I can't seem to achieve. So it's a different philosophy, sure, but it was interesting to see how his worked out when he explained it more.

But I do find it hard - when I see or hear someone talking about the way they do something and it's a way that I aspire to be but I can't quite make it (probably because I'm expending so much energy making sure I'm not doing the things I don't want to do, which is a goal in itself!) then I beat myself up and feel crap and think "Why can't I be like that?" I get it a lot with parenting and the MOST helpful thing of all is when I speak to someone especially if they are a person who does a lot of the things I think are good things to do, and they admit that they struggle too, they make the mistakes I mistake, that the feelings I have are normal and not some indication that I'm terrible at this. So I suppose mine and DH's philosophies are quite similar except that he tries to do better than the people who are doing well (and probably has a healthier view of what they are actually doing than me!) and I'm only trying to do better than the people I think are doing badly, except, all of them at once, and everyone is bad at something.

And I probably have a rather skewed idea about how well those who are doing well really are doing.

Bleeuuurgh back to 0. I'm annoyed about it tonight. It was all going so well.

Picked them both up, all nice and calm in the car, little chat with DS about his day, DD humming to herself happily. This is good, I think.

Ha.

It's boring, it was nothing particularly interesting or dramatic, just drip drip mid level stuff: tantrums from DD and silliness from DS and knackeredness from me. I could feel my brain shrinking to a little black dot. Seriously, what is it about Tuesday evenings?!l

The shout wasn't a big one and it got DS's attention anyway, he stopped what he was doing, but DD was really just very tired and kept on grizzling and I felt a bit mean but aaaaarggghh what an evening.

Going to bed soon!

Jiggle I think what you said is so important: being able to get it wrong sometimes but finding ways to make it right. And being brave enough to let your kids see this. But this reminds me...

When I see Jigglebum's name I think of those old postcards with the seaside cartoons and - and I hadn't realised this until I read scout's post but it's very clear - imagine a square drawn around a nice big jiggly bottom wearing red bikini bottoms with white spots! Specific, eh?

Hi Blue, don't be too hard on yourself. Come join me on the naughty step. I have

Keep forgetting to refresh before posting!

Bertie I can't help liking your DH's philosophy, it's actually pretty sound when you think about it, if paired with the capacity to be kind to yourself.

Nellie, I forgot to say, it's been quite enlightening reading some of this stuff for me too. I now recognise so much of me and DH in DS, but in 4 year old form. I think I'm learning as much about myself as I am about him and DD.

Blue, we have all been there, out of their mouths come the words and attitudes they learn from us, and (sometimes) we cringe. Awareness of it means you are more than half way to making it better though. I am sure many days you are modelling great responses and behaviour. We should be careful to treat ourselves like we try to treat our children (recognise and celebrate the good and try to learn from the behaviours we see in ourselves that we dont like). reflection is valuable and that is probably one of the useful things about this thread.
I must be completely lacking in imagination I dont see monkeys elephants or jiggly bottoms in spotty bikinis.........

re: rewards etc, I introduced a marble jar (shared) to have a way to tangibly acknowledge good behaviour. If I am saying "well done I like the way that you ......." they get given a marble too. when the jar is full, a big treat, decided by discussion. (last time pictures followed by meltdown as described further up the thread, Im hoping for a calmer happier treat day next time..) DH was wanting to take marbles out for bad behaviour but I said 'no' because the good behaviour still happened. Consequences for undesirable behaviour work best if they are immediate and not unduly frustrating or severe. I like what Bertie was saying and Jiggle, about a half hour off screens or losing a toy for a day as mentally manageable consequences for a little one.
night all hope its a quiet one time for a then bed for me

Hello all, I'm a bit late to the thread but very pleased to find it, I'm in the panicked reading of parenting books stage of my parenting journey. I've still not RTFT but plan to as tonight's homework...

Bertie the root of the word 'compete' is Greek and means 'seek together' - elegant, no? It more or less means that if you're playing a better player, you up your game. And the whole game improves. That's how I like to think of it. When I used to be a runner, BDC, I could always find extra stamina and pace in the company of others.

My two are 3.3 & 10mo. I was very happy and confident til I ruined my son's life by having another baby. He had the longest meltdown ever ever yesterday, maybe 45mins of literally begging and raging that we didn't all go into the shop together And the other day he asked me if I loved him. So my work is cut out but I am so fucking sure I need to do this, they are just the very definition of love and I just can't settle for half arsed hoping it'll get better if I'm kinder.

Off to RTFT... good luck with tomorrow all.

I don't know what I'd do without you guys! Jiggly bottoms, monkeys and elephants - I'll add talking Dishes and circus performers. It's great!
Tonight DH and I had a night out at a wine tasting event with some work colleagues. Booked a babysitter who is expensive so I wouldn't feel bad about her having to deal with bad behaviour. Still doesn't help when I find out she did have to... DS1 hit DS2 and wouldn't apologise so she had to send him to bed. Not before witnessing the horrible screaming that I thought he reserved for us. Horrible behaviour :( I feel like that's the last time we can use her... which is not a bad thing as she is super expensive!
Regarding my expectations of myself, I don't know really. There is no doubt I have worked hard at my career and I made this move happen for us through sheer determination. But regardless I am probably one of the least secure and confident people I know. I am finding work quite a challenge even more so because my job is now pure management and it feels like I have my little work family I need to nurture and look after which I just don't have the energy for when all my focus is on working things out for my real family!! I feel guilt and panic at the fact I'm at work and have no choice in the matter now. I don't have the option to have DH take on some of the work burden. But then even wishing for this is a contradiction because I brought us here. You are right, letsgo, though when it comes to me expecting a lot of myself. Having lost my mum at a young age and having three brothers I think I do feel like I need to have all the answers.Not only for my kids but for my husband, brothers and anyone else in my extended family.
Anyway, enough self indulgence. Monkey, don't worry. It is s trial and error thing. If any of us could solidly keep earning the points with no slip ups there would probably be some cause for concern.
Sparklyboots - I felt the same about bringing my DS2 into DS1s life. It is s though thing for children to get used to buy it is the best thing you can do for them. They just are too young to really understand at this stage.

Correction - it's a tough thing for children to get used to but it is the best thing for them. I would add that I would not be the person I am if I didn't have all three of my brothers!

Things I have learnt today: it is far better if DD is not parked in front of the TV while we make dinner as she is then reluctant to leave it = tantrum.
It is far better if DH is at the gym whilst I make the dinner and sit with DD. DH is a great hands on dad, but loves to play boisterous games with DD which make her far too over-excited and it is hard to get her to sit down nicely for dinner.
So we had no tantrum tonight hurrah!
My problem with the second is that I already feel I do more childcare than DH as am part-time and I do need him to step up to the plate, but the only way he knows is to be boisterous. Advice please?! I have tried to point it out and he takes it on board - but only for about an hour!

Can i join?

I want to be a more consistent mummy.

I have depression but most of the time i kick its ass and am a really great mum (i include discipline in this) and read with ds, play with him, take him out and about, let him 'help me' in the kitchen, acknowledge when he's naughty and tell him off etc etc

Some days it kicks my ass and i stick cbeebies on try and do CBT and try not to cry in front of him. Or ask my mum to take him out so i can wallow.

On the good days though i feel like i'm waaay too stern with him sometimes or not stern enough... orjust not calm, sweating over the small stuff and getting frustrated/losing my temper!!

Parenting is HARD!

Welcome sparkly and ithought yes parenting is hard but I think you have landed in a good thread to find positive support, empathy and optimism.
I spent a lovely half hour in the kitchen earlier listening to Wilko Johnson and watching my DD2 making a banana cake (nigella's recipe. It is VERY good) and thinking how nice that she has reached a stage where she can just confidently follow a recipe and produce a brilliant result with no input from me apart from appreciation of the resulting cake.

Hi everyone :)

Welcome, Sparklyboots and Ithought.

Sparklyboots, I'm another one who relates very much to your post.

Nellie, again I wish I knew you properly so I could give you a hug and . I am so sure that you'll look back on this time - when you're established in this amazing job with your sons who think you're awesome, in one of the greatest cities in the world - and it'll just be this crazy, distant memory of the tough bit when you moved.

So I had been feeling a bit meh :( again, mostly due to a kind of low level panic that I haven't got the stamina to keep all this behaviour management up!

Then this morning, DD wouldn't go downstairs without going to see her brother who, amazingly, was still in bed. She was chattering away to him and patting his head and he was all uuuurgh sleepy older brother pretending not to smile. It was so cute and just... normal :)

It made me realise again that it may still be hard work but we have come SUCH a long way since the beginning of this thread. Letsgo it's true - the opportunity to reflect is a huge part of why it's so helpful to post on here.

Scout, you could make a point of telling DD it's quiet time now, time to snuggle up quietly with daddy before dinner, etc etc, while placing her gently next to him on the sofa and levelling a pointed glance at DH

Ithought, sometimes it's just difficult to know, isn't it! It sounds like you're staying really positive though, even if it is bloody hard sometimes!!

Mmm letsgo that's my idea of good parenting

Welcome sparkly and ithought It is hard this parenting lark and I so understand that guilt about introducing a 2nd child so the first loses that individual attention and that is still something we are struggling with 2 years on. There is no doubt DS loves his sister but he gets so jealous and frustrated of her at times and is a much nicer child on a one to one basis a lot of the time and he doesn't get enough of it (especially with me)

Not a good evening particularly here and yesterday was difficult too but I didn't lose it (though close to at times) DH would say I shouted too much this evening but I would say it was lots of stern talking but boy did I feel like I spent the whole evening telling DS off. He hit and pushed DD several times, often for very minor things and even after being sent to his room and me going up to have a chat with him about it he then did it once more before bed - he knows full well it is wrong. I cant decide if he likes hurting her, likes the attention it gets him (albeit negative) or just cant help himself. I think he is very tired after a busy weekend and nearing the end of term but I don't want to make excuses for him and he still needs to learn to deal with his anger. We spoke about leaving the room, counting to ten or playing more in his room on his own if DD is annoying him but he wants to play with her but then takes it too far.

I like the marble jar idea letsgo I might nick that! It is hard thinking of joint treats for us at times though as what a 2 year old and 5 year old can manage/want are so different but it would be great to see them working together towards something.

Yes I know what it is like trying to implement positive parenting techniques single handed with DH not quite seeing that anything needs to change. However, persist and you will find that some of it does rub off on them. (Not that you are likely to get any acknowledgement.....) I heard hubby this morning talking with DD2 who was not downstairs for breakfast but had just shouted down 'I'm out of bed....but I fell out and I'm on the floor'. A few weeks ago he would probably have got shouty and authoritarian at that point ("you need to be down now stop messing around you are going to be LATE!") but I heard him say cheerily "oh well you are half way there I'll see you in a minute" which is so much better a way to get my sleepy girl moving in the morning. ..........gazes optimistically into a calmer less shouty future with hazy smile on face.........

Jiggle that scenario is soooooo familiar here. I've had a couple of stern talking days too! But I have to say that this evening things were better for it.

Ha let'sgo, liking his style! :)

Cross post there Jiggle, yes chatting over alternatives to sister hitting is a really good idea, it gives them a plan in place. We all know it is difficult when tired, stressed grumpy to refrain from habitual behaviour. I've always noticed that end-of-termitis is a real thing and does affect them.