Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

Just read your SN post and I realise how hard this must be for you with all the worry. I am also quite shocked at how similar our sons behaviours are. I for one have had it at the back of my mind that something may not be right but at the same time, so much of their behaviour at this age can be traced to immaturity of either speech, comprehension, emotions as well as fears and worries that they can't vocalise. DH mentioned a long time ago that he was worried something might be up but I got angry at the suggestion. It is so hard to know but I say, whatever the case may be, we will still worry. I hope you find a way to handle that worry. For what it's worth I think you are doing an amazing job.

Thanks Nellie, it makes such a difference having people who understand to 'talk' to. I've been sharing the stuff I've found with DH and it's the first time we've both been in the same place at the same time to agree that there might be something going on other than just the immaturity you've described. Previously, one would suggest it and the other would get defensive. I'm trying to suspend my worry until we have a more factual picture next week. In the meantime I'm trying to help to create an environment at home which is as calm as possible because the one thing I know for sure is that this anxiety/control issue definitely applies. I recognise it in myself, too. And we have tight screen time limits in place!!

Thank you again for being so supportive

Hi guys, is there a quick way to find the other thread Monkey, and Nellie? I'm interested in is going on with you both and your boys. It's really hard to think that your child might fit into a behavioural diagnostic box (I'm making assumptions here so forgive me if I'm way off the mark....) and worth remembering that there is a vast variation in what is "normal" for all sorts of things. Physical and emotional maturity, thinking, language etc. I was really shocked and angry about 18 years ago when a teacher seemed to be implying that my older daughter had aspergers type behaviours, but she has since sort of come to her own conclusion that she is somewhere on that spectrum (as everyone is to a certain degree, it being a spectrum) she is now 24 and an independent very organised fully functional adult if that helps.
Blue, the AHA site is good but Dishes you may not want to implement their techniques for getting kids to listen, while you are actually driving. (Get down to their level, wait til they look at you, focus on what they are doing..... NO! Watch the ROAD!!!!) sorry to be flippant it is really hard driving while they play up.
I have more to say but being strict with my own screen time and my timer has just gone so I will just say, Scout, I fully sympathise I've also been in a 'puddles galore' incandescent rage trying so hard not to get mad. It will get better! (Is she drinking enough? oddly, more drinks can be better as I discovered one very wet ~ in more ways than one~ camping trip. )

Thanks letsgo. Good to know it's not just me! Today DD has been saying "no shouting mummy" whenever I ask if she needs a wee :(
Not quite howI want her to remember her childhood.

Scout I am certain you're not alone :) DD is showing lots of signs that she is ready to toilet train and I'm like la la la

I'm not being completely obstructive (!) - she has lots of nappy off time when that's what she wants. But she is still very little and I'm not ready to really go for it yet.

The more drink thing makes sense. And where did I read about giving them a drink then encouraging the toilet 20 minutes later? She sounds brilliant though :)

Letsgo the link .

Another example of the oddities which happen with DS:

DD loves keys. She loves fitting them into the keyhole and when we got back home yesterday evening, that's what she was trying to do.

It started raining and DS was waiting really patiently for her and then put her hood up. It was such a lovely gesture. As he did it, because DD was practically belly-to-door, she bumped her forehead a tiny bit. So there were three responses at the same time.
DD: big gushy smile at her brother
Me: (assessing DD wasn't hurt - she generally wails at the smallest thing - and that DS had brilliant intentions) oh DS that was really kind!
DS: worried look that he was in trouble as he'd just bumped DD.

So those things happened simultaneously. Before I could get in my comment about keeping his sister dry, DS's head had done the maths that he'd bumped her, but it was ok, in fact that was a pretty positive response, and slammed her head against the door.

:(

Thanks monkey. Good luck with toilet training when you go for it! And with your son. I really admire you and those of all the posters on this thread.

(Just read that back - slammed is maybe a bit extreme, but a big, hard deliberate bump. She's fine but still, my poor DD :( )

Thanks Scout x

Sorry, I'm spouting out my thought process on here.

When he bumped her deliberately he was laughing, a big kind of deliberate laugh. His eyes (a bit confused) suggested he expected us to be laughing too. If you didn't know DS and had just seen that part of it all, you'd think he was dreadful, really unkind. But I know that he's not, I see all the lovely, beautiful stuff he does too. But, although it has improved a lot, he does stuff like this on a fairly regular basis. And that's what makes me worry. He knows that he mustn't hit. He knows that it hurts people. He knows our rule about not hurting other people or their things. Seriously, we reinforce this through necessity multiple times a day. So it concerns me.

One of the things on the PDA info page was that children often know the rules, and will remind other children, but don't really get that they apply to them. This is very true of DS.

Hi everyone - can I join?

DD is 8, DS is 6. I have terrible problems in dealing with DS particularly. My issues, not his. He is a very single minded and determined little chap, also very emotional and physical. I find myself shouting so loudly and so angrily that I hate myself for it. This thread touched a nerve and I've been semi following it. Since a particularly bad day last week I am really trying to respond differently. So far so good. I'm also trying to pick my battles more.

I have not read the whole thread so not familiar with you all, but hope to catch up with it this weekend.

Thanks for starting it Monkey

Monkey that does sound difficult to deal with and confusing, hope you can find someone who can help with making things easier for you and for him. welcome Hillbilly
I've had a good day working at home while the kids have been at school now i'm off to prepare for the friday madness (music lesson, dance class then scouts all in rapid succession, and once they are home they dont feel like going -almost- straight back out to all these things) Disclaimer: they only both do dance, the dance is completely exam free, inclusive and positive and not 'work' for them in any way shape or form, scouts is a recent addition and still in probationary mode. I am not a hot housing parent. really. not. Toasted sandwiches as they come through the door helps so that is what i'm going to get done Now.

Hi hillbilly, welcome :) do you want to tell us more about the behaviour which makes you angry - is there anything in particular which triggers it?

It's the second day of keeping the diary and honestly, I hadn't realised quite how much we were dealing with each day. It's no wonder half term was tough. I did a sort of snappy half shout today - they were about to push each other down the stairs. I can't decide whether that means I lose my score or not!

Letsgo I hope the evening isn't too frantic and you're not too far from putting your feet up!

All chilled here, littlest has earned her x box time and is enjoying that while DH forages in the fridge for his tea. (I declared it was fend for yourself Friday) I think a snappy half shout to prevent kids falling downstairs surely counts as emergency safety siren shouting...? Keep counting

I agree on the counting! If it is to prevent danger and instinctive it can't be included!

I'm interested in the diary you are keeping. What are you recording? The behaviour that you feel concerned about? Just asking as I might do the same. Your line about understanding and explaining to others what you shouldn't do but then doing it himself is again my DS1.

Letsgo, I feel like you are the voice that keeps us sane. I love your posts they make me smile.

Hi hillbilly - welcome :)

Right, I'm keeping my score. 12 today! That's not bad.

Fend for yourself Friday - love it I might introduce Sod off I'm Sleeping Saturday.

Nellie, yep that's basically it, but I'm surprised at a) how much I'm recording and b) that I'm already identifying patterns. It's very interesting. It's also proving to be another way of making me step back and focus on what's actually happening instead of responding emotionally (and as I'm thinking about an accurate way to record things, is probably giving more breathing space than usual, too).

Nellie. Thanks.

The triggers are that almost everything is a battle of wills. Dressing, eating, cleaning teeth. Mealtimes him and dd wind each other up or collectively take the piss. DS up and down from the table, eating with hands, complaining about the food, shouting, you name it! Frequently I send them both to their respective rooms to finish their meals. Feel very sad about the way I shout. Definitely better in the last week.

Hillbilly that sounds really 24/7 difficult, I hope you find some help on here, there are some wonderful insights if you manage to read the whole thread. People also seem to find the 'Orange Rhino' website really good, that is what the counting is about, days without yelling. I'm not doing that because yelling isn't the issue (my DCs are much older and torment me in different ways...), although i did have an Orange Rhino level 7 voice the other week after an incident of violence (not me, them). Had to shut myself in the bedroom and have a good cry. Another one that people are finding helpful is the AHA parenting website. I'd put links but if you google them you'll go straight there.
You want a bit more cooperation from them don't you!! I won't offer advice, there is plenty good advice out there and you will know best what will work for your family. good luck and keep checking in here. It would be great to share what works.
monkey 12 days! You deserve some brilliant that is really good. keep on keepin on. Hope the weekend goes well for you all

Morning everyone (afternoon for you)! If I make it through today I will be on 5 again. 12 is immense Monkey! Hillbilly - that sounds really hard but also very familiar so I hope you find dlstuff to help you on here. If you want to vent or talk through incidents we are here to listen. For me personally, this thread has been a lifeline for the last month or so. Hope it helps you too.
We are off to walk the brooklyn bridge. The New York subway has been the scene of much bad behaviour from my two so not hugely looking forward to that bit but it's meant to be 17 C today so we are going to spend as much of it outside as possible!

Hillbilly that really does sound tough :( I find it really helpful to deal with one thing at a time, that might make it seem less daunting for you too? Def worth reading the whole thread if you are able to, it's helped me so much. I agree with Nellie, it's saving my sanity at the moment.

Letsgo and Nellie - thanks :)

Quick post, hope you have a fab day Nellie and everyone else too - happy weekend (doesn't seem a minute since I last typed that!) x

Just had chance to read the last few posts properly.

Letsgo could you remind me how old your DCs are? Sorry to hear about the level 7 incident (struggling to imagine you at level 7!) - what happened?

Eldest 24, then 13 and 12. The level 7 was this. We'd all been to the pictures, I'd implemented a reward system for good behaviour and that was the treat. We came home from the pics, they'd been nibbling chocs etc at the cinema. DH went to the gym, Youngest went to turn on the tv but I said no more screens you've been watching one as big as a house all pm need a break from them. She went off on one and I can't remember exactly what happened but she went to her room and for some reason I ended up calling her back down (should have let her cool off where her temper was doing no harm!) and she came down but fuming. DD2 must have looked at her the wrong way or muttered something and she threw a hard placemat across the kitchen at her with such force it knocked a chunk out of the wooden table and hit her sister hard on the forearm, the bony bit. Painful. That's when I let rip, said some pretty horrible things and completely terrified the older one with my fury and distress. It all sounds a bit daft now but the combination of having rewarded them and getting this demanding foul tempered behaviour in consequence, plus the unfairness of DD2 bearing the brunt just got to me.

Oh letsgo that sounds so hard, the combination of it happening after the treat and hurting her sister would get me too.

Do you have to deal with that kind of thing often?

Ironically, we've not had bad behaviour on the whole this weekend. And I've lost my score. I thought about claiming another instinctive shout (road safety issue) but actually... It was 1/10 fear and 9/10 annoyance at repetition and stress at unrelated stuff. I could have dealt with it differently. And his little face told me that it wasn't really fair :( rubbish.

It could have been worse. Lots of love since.

DD is part hilarious, part at the moment. We have door slamming, foot stamping, 'NO' x a million, orders, what I assume are stare-offs, hitting. Oh and flirting, jokes, guts, charm. She's not 2 yet. She is such a character. She totally gets it when she's gone too far, tries to stare me down (little furious glare), then eventually caves and says 'orry' and folds into my lap. What do I do when she stops caving in??!

How is everyone else - good weekend?