Trying cry it out tonight..how do I handle night waking

[PreemieBlessing]

So I'm at my wits end. 7mo cut his two molk teeth and now he doesn't seem that fussy with teething so I want to try cio method. He can't settle himself without my help and he wakes almost every hour at night and only wants 1-2 oz milk. He has two feeds as he can't settle at 2am and 5am without milk.

I tried pick up put down but it wasn't effective. I can count on one hand how many nights he's slept through!

I will try cio with no comforting at bed time but how do I handle night wakings after that? I don't want to make it harsh on him..thought I'd tackle those wakings once he manages to put himself to sleep at the beginning of the night.

Has anyone used cio and how did you handle night waking?

I know further details but hesitate to post all of them on here.

I can say that their neighbours reported hearing the child screaming in the night, for an hour or more, and the police came and found him crying alone while his parents resolutely ignored him in the other room.

I'm not sure what you think I am missing out, but I'm not in the habit of making stuff up.

They were on the register for five years.

I know this because she told me all of it. She told me he had refused to go to sleep and so they had left him screaming, and gone to sleep.

It was deliberate.

I think they just didn't realise that that isn't what you do with a small child.

And I think there is a huge culture of this in certain areas.

Another time they had a small party with other parents and children/babies, and we were invited and there was a discussion about biting a child who bites you, and I was the only one who didn't think this was necessarily Ok.

Her friends didn't think like I do. I was diplomatic but I didn't go round again. She had another child later and I think got better at it. She was a nice person.

Plus I am a shit parent in various ways. Just certain things are unacceptable, to me and judging by this thread, to many others.

I mean I wouldn't treat a dog like that. Let alone a baby. They can only cry. Nothing else - they can't sort themselves out, articulate what is wrong, come to you and ask. They are stranded.

If you ignore a creature in that situation then it makes you look heartless. I'm sure my comments won't go far if a person is so innured to the pain of others.

I am hiding this thread now. You can say what you like.

I thimk this comes down to completely unrealistic expectations. Small babies do not sleep well, neither do their parents. 7 mo don't learn to self settle, they give up asking becuase their need is not met or they give up through exhaustion.

If your baby's sleep issues are making you desperate through tiredness then ask for rl help with practical things. Don't subject your baby to this.

PolkaDotParty- I agree- it's part of being a parent. Babies do eventually learn to self settle, but not within the timescale of impatient parents.

Rooners - Don't leave- I am completely with you. My babies didn't cry because they didn't need to. Crying is a last resort.
My neighbour had a habit of feeding her 4 month old baby then leaving him warmly wrapped in his £1000 Silver Cross pram ( lucky baby) a the bottom of the garden adjacent to our house. The baby would scream and cry for up to two hours while his mother carried on with housework, even having a coffee in the garden and simply ignoring him.
My three year old at the time would sob her heart out listening to that baby's cries. She would ask me why his mother wasn't responding- whet kind of parent could ignore his cries. I didn't have an answer.
Some mothers are just simply cruel.

I get really irritated when parents who are against CC imply it's a parenting method. It's usully 3-5 nights of increased crying in the context of an otherwise loving relationship. It's not child abuse. That is not like babies in romanian orphanages, it does not involve ignoring your babies cues all day. And once they 'get' sleeping (or at least not waking others up) all night, if they cry at night sounding distressed of course you go to them.

I did similar at the same age OP. it was fine, but the problem is I've found sleep does go through cycles, you think you've cracked it then inexplicably they're crying 3 times in the night again for weeks on end.

CC is not CIO. .. not knowing the difference is irritating.

gamerchick- don't sweat.
Both methods involve ignoring distress.

people who leave their babies to self settle so that they can grab a couple of hours of peace are not child abusers

My babies used to self settle. They would chatter away, gurgle, play, yell out to me..all normal settling behaviours. They were not left to scream & cry for me for an hour though & there is a HUGE difference between self settling & crying it out.

I get really irritated when parents who are against CC imply it's a parenting method. It's usully 3-5 nights of increased crying in the context of an otherwise loving relationship

Except babes don't understand that, because they cannot equate loving actions during the day with abandonment at night. They just feel like no one is coming back to them to soothe their distress.

So, I thought I'd check to see what advice the OP had been given as I'd left a comment right back at the beginning, and I'm shocked at the outpouring of hatred and vile comments that have been left by some. Any constructive criticism has likely been lost on the OP because if it was me I wouldn't want to trawl through comments about how I should never have had a baby or that social services should be involved, in the hope that I'd find a useful suggestion.

When I first found MN I was desperate for help with my baby who was 8w at the time and I was overwhelmed with the support and advice I got. If I'd been that first-timer this weekend and I'd read this to gauge what sort of advice MN'ers give to their peers I'd have gone away still desperate for help because there's no way I'd have posted based on the answers this OP has received.

I'm not saying I agree with her actions, but please just think about what you are writing and the impact it has - you could be putting someone else off from posting who has nowhere else to turn. Would you really have posted those comments if you'd had to print your real name and address, or if that person was sat across from you in a cafe pouring her heart out?

By the way, I won't be rereading this thread so you can call me a sanctimonious cow if you want - I couldn't care less!

Greta- the OP showed no sign of being desperate and at the end of her tether.. She responded to very gentle suggestions that CIO may not be a good idea by saying that it was her gut instinct, and she didn't parent like other people on here. She then came back saying that she had left her baby crying for an hour, and that she had thereby taught him a useful lesson.

I don't think your post applies here. In different circumstances, of course it would.

I am pretty much always of the opinion that people parent in their own way and do whatever is right for their families.

I am pretty shocked though, that leaving a teething baby crying for an hour is anyone's instinct.

I had a non sleeper, 14 years ago. He didnt sleep for more than an hour at a time until he was 18 months or so.
It was hell on earth. I get that sleep deprivation is horrific.

But I don't get how you sit there for an hour listening to a baby cry. And not just once, all night.

Maybe he was hungry FFS?

Who decided that babies must sleep through the night at such a young age and if they don't you have to "teach them"

Teach them what, exactly?

How to fall asleep crying?

I think there's this obsession with getting babies to sleep through as soon as possible, you see posts on FB about "good" babies sleeping through at 3 weeks old and people always ask you "is the baby good?"

With your first baby you kind of get obsessed with this sleeping through thing, DD1 co slept and I did get a bit obsessed with getting her to self sloth etc but then I have up accepted the cosleeping because if you were a baby where would you chose to sleep cuddled up to mum or in a box with bars in another room? With the other 3 I never expected them to sleep through until at least a year, we co slept from the off which meant more sleep for me.

A friend left her 3 week old baby in the kitchen in his pram to cry as he was fed and clean, she put her iPod on and went to bed not my choice but hers.

It's such a short period in their lives, all of mine sleep through the night now in their own beds, I actually miss those lovely little cuddles.

This poor baby is not learning sot self settle, he is learning that if he cries no one comfort him.
Yes you will get some sleep, but you run the risk of having a child who can't appropriately deal with their big feeling. This child will only learn that he can not come to you when he needs comfort.
7 months old, teething, and not sleeping through is not unusual, they way you are treating your child is.

I've been thinking about this in much the same way as Greta has posted - and no, I don't think you're a sanctimonious cow at all.

I thought about whether I'd say those things in RL and face to face and no, I would not.

Forums however are different...they are a place where it can be taken as a given that you will receive honest points of view and seriously considered, genuine views in a way you may not from people you interact with in real life.

I think that is the benefit of it. I am relieved that this thread has received such a stark response from many - it's an honest response and I think a very valid one.

Face to face you would be more gentle and more circumspect about the person's feelings. However the OP here does not sound vulnerable - just desperately misinformed.

She's not being very circumspect and I don't think we need be either.

In a similar way if I knew a person who was smacking her child on a regular basis as a form of 'method discipline' (which amazingly some people do) I wouldn't say anything to her.

But if someone posted online about that - or about refusing to change their child's nappy at night because it's a life skill to learn to wait - or not picking up their 3yo when they cried, not offering comfort in fact to a child of any age - then I would be forthright in my thoughts.

I don't think that's wrong. The OP surely has many acquaintances who will validate her choices at least to her face if that's what she wants.

Many of them are probably thinking 'I'd never do that tbh but what can I say without sounding like a cow?' and judging her parenting based on this.

Also the OP is probably great IRL. I don't think she is necessarily a bad person or a bad parent, not in other ways, but I do object wholly to what she is DOING and that is different.

None of us are perfect parents. Especially when it's our first DC and we have no clue what we are doing. I think some of the comments on here have been really quite harsh. The OP may just need a little guidance, I sure as hell did. Please don't take any of this too personally OP. A lot of people come here to act like they were perfect from day one and get some kind of 'feel good' from putting others down. Most things said, wouldn't be said in RL.

These demanding little bundles of joy come along and we are surrounded by parental pressures of having a 'good baby'. It is important not to pay attention to these pressures. My child is 4.6 years and has ONLY JUST started sleeping through the night regularly. I deal with it a lot better now compared to how I did when he was 7 months.

Maybe I am not a good person to take advice from seeing as my child had never been a good sleeper? But hey I've tried and tested all methods, been sat outside the bedroom door at 3am trying to keep it together and lost years of sleep - so i can feel any parents 'bad sleepers' pain. I truly believe some children do just need a little balance, routine and night time training and it works a treat fairly quickly whereas other children - they just will when they do and you learn to cope in the meantime.

It is hard for you to tell which 'category' your DC comes from as only 7months!

I just want to offer some advice anyway and hopefully it may help. I haven't read all the posts as there are loads and have just started to watch the thread but I've scanned through and seen most of yours OP.

I noticed you said that you are going to deal with nap times differently to bed times because you want to get the night dealt with first. I understand this, but - he needs the same routine with sleep time in the day as he does in the night or it will be far too confusing.

Routine is key - Low lighting, milk, quiet story, in the same room, at the same time each evening will let them know that it is bed time. Routine brings a strong sense of security.

I've tried many methods of getting a child to settle and at different ages. From about a year old I started controlled crying. I did this by following bed time routine then putting DS in his cot. He would cry. Some parents leave them until they get so tired of crying, this is heartbreaking if it goes on for you and the child and it will not bring the security of bedtime your child needs. It will make bed time traumatising for you both! Some parents go in pick their child up, give them words of reassurance and then put them back and leave only to hear even louder screams! this is because the child is confused, by getting cuddles and some chit chat they think that's great they are getting out of bed! Only to be put down again, it is all too confusing for them! The way i found to do controlled crying best is to set my timer. Leave him for 5 minutes, go back in, say good night again, ensure his night light was on, lie him back down and leave the room. I made little eye contact and only said good night. Then I would wait 10 minutes, go back in do the same thing but this time i wouldn't say anything. By putting them back down calmly and gently, they no it's not the time for attention, it's bed time, but you are there and they are safe and you will be near and calm until they fall asleep. You add 5 minutes each time. E.G 5 mins then wait ten then wait 15, etc.

It could last up until an hour the first night, but you are controlling it, you are calm, and they know it's bed time. You will quite quickly see the time decrease and them settling faster.

As for waking during the night i would do exactly the same thing. But with your child so young I would maybe consider offering milk once at the same time each night, so if he routinely wakes about 12, Maybe offer some milk. Or at least juice, i give my 4yo a cup for the night as I know i get thirsty through the night and it wake me too!

Kids are resilliant, and we learn from our mistakes. The crying for an hour at this age isn't the best way to deal with it - as we don't know what they want, they can't communicate yet and they need to know it's all ok!

Please try not to obsess about the bed time, I know you are tired, it's not what we expected it to be, I know other mums have these fabulous children who slept through from week 3 - But ignore it and focus on yours. Your child will settle in time with good routine and security. This waking will not last forever, and after a while it just becomes a part of parenthood and you discover coffee. He is only 7 months - it's normal! :-) if he's sleeping through by the time he is 18 months - that to me would be considered a true success. And i would envy you !! ;-)

Good luck x

I tried CIO once with Isla, it didnt work and she is nearly 19 months old now. She still wakes through the night. I tried everything and anything. Teething were the worst nights sleep though, there were nights where she would cry and cry, scream in fact.

I just had to give her lots of cuddles and reassurance, which would help her and calm her - until the pain would subside. The poor little thing.

Now all her teeth are here she wakes sometimes, or stirs, but I go in and give her a bottle or whatever it is she wants and leave her. I do not pick her up any more - unless there are screams! You know as a parent what particular screams mean!! Its a guessing game half the time and you just roll with your instincts - well I do. x

Like ParenthoodJourney - I believe routine is key!

No-one is suggesting that we are perfect parents
I do believe that if we parent from the heart then that's in the best interests of the child.

Leaving a baby to cry alone feels wrong - or it should, and in my view if it feels wrong, then it probably is wrong.
When we go against our instincts to use some technique then we are treading on dangerous ground

When my baby cries every fibre of my body tells me to comfort and cuddle, to soothe and ease distress. So that's what I do.
To ignore distress is wrong- if my OH was upset I would do the same for him- babies are more in need of comforting than adults.

Yes msmiggins and i do agree, and i would not leave my child to cry for a prolonged perioud of time. However, i believe that we as parents have to teach our children boundaries and routine in a safe and secure way as a part of our love and best interests for our children. That's why, personally, I feel the controlled crying every five minute 'technique' is a good balance for giving our children security, love and boundaries. Our children require our love and attention, but if yours are anything like mine then they are cheeky little chappies who know how to work a charm and turn on the waterworks when it is unneccessary and they just want their own way!

"yours are anything like mine then they are cheeky little chappies who know how to work a charm and turn on the waterworks when it is unneccessary and they just want their own way!"

At 7 months?