Yet another F****ing Fours Thread!

[Beccarollover]

Ive been clogging up the Bar with this so thought Id start a thread.

I know there have been LOTS of threads about badly behaved 3-4 year olds around at the moment sorry if this is all just a repeat of those.

Im not necessarily looking for answers just a place to vent and a bit of support.

I have had about the hardest day as a mum that ive had so far and have ended up in tears a few times - the behaviour or my DD has got me to the point where Im not enjoying her at all and its making me sooo sad - she is the light of my life but I feel Ive lost my little gorgeous, funny, cute, bright wonderful girl to a pest that screams, shouts, scratches, bites, moans, whinges, kicks etc etc what seems like all the time.

Today for example she woke up whingeing about something or other and it carried on literally all day - i feel like im permanently either dealing with a tantrum or trying my best to avoid her going into one - this is becoming increasingly difficult as anyting and everything sets her off. Today the thing that kicked off a HUGE tantrum was me asking her to pick her coat up off the ground that she had thrown down in temper - she responded with the usual NO NO NO YOU DO IT and threw herself on the ground - I gave her to the count of three and if she didnt we wouldnt be going to ballet - she didnt so I didnt take her to ballet - got he in the car and she started kicking the insides of the car of kicking the seats and screaming - I said if this carries on by the time we arrive home you will have to go to your room - needless to say it did so I put her in her room - she trashed it, I went in and literally couldnt see the floor, drawers were pulled over, videos and pens everywhere, paper covering the entire floor and toys everywhere. I decided to just ignore her - this led to her screaming and screaming and kicking her door and walls for about an hour - GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I WILL KILL YOU I HATE YOU I DONT LOVE YOU YOUR HORRIBLE GET ME RIGHT NOW OR ILL SMASH MY BED AND NEVER SLEEP IN IT etc etc - In the end I waited for a quiet moment and went in and said are you ready to be calm yet? and let her come downstairs on teh understanding as soon as she misbehaved she would go straight back - calm laste for about 2 minutes, i got her a drink of water and it was in "the wrong glass" she kicked off so i took her back upstairs and left her - more kicking of walls and doors ensued with more shouting then she starts shouting IVE BEEN SICK IVE BEEN SICK LOOK WHAT YOUR DOING TO ME - i went up, cleaned her without saying anything and put her back to bed - she eventually went to sleep after more of the same at 11pm - throughout the night she also wet herself for attention 4 or 5 times. The coat incident started at 3pm and until 11pm she tantrummed

What do I do?

I feel very sad - normally I can shrug it off and roll with it but Im starting to really not enjoy being with her, I feel like ive lost my little girl

Im sure ill feel better tomorrow !

Im really sorry this has gone on so long - needed to let it out

Not sure if I have even made much sense - today is typical of most days at the moment

Becca
xxx

Oh, I hope you feel proud of yourself Becca , you should do. I hope he feels able to make those changes because he'd be mad to lose you.

I really dont understand why you think Im amazing? If anything I feel confused and unsure if Im doing the right thing!
Thankyou for the messages of support though, being able to share it and discuss has made me understand what might be going on.

Megan has been so much better the last few days too so things seem to be (dare I say it) looking up a bit :D

I really dont understand why you think Im amazing? If anything I feel confused and unsure if Im doing the right thing!
Thankyou for the messages of support though, being able to share it and discuss has made me understand what might be going on.

Megan has been so much better the last few days too so things seem to be (dare I say it) looking up a bit :D

Hi Becca, I too think you are doing really well. You haven't fallen apart, you are incredibly calm and you seem to be making progress in undestanding each other. I (from my perspective of very old person married to even more decrepid husband - 40 & 46! How did that ever happen to us?) of course think your dp is very young and I think a lot of men (though not all) find the adjustment to fatherhood a real shock when they are young. They are still in the grip of testosterone and immature feelings of jealousy and loneliness when the attention isn't on them. They aren't very useful feelings to have, but I think they are genuine. I, of course, am extremely mature and well balanced (ahem) but still felt jealous of my dh's ex, even though he patently loathes her (she has been such a bitch to us). It wasn't that he was close to her, just that she got there first and would never be totally out of our lives and that's a grim thought. What helped me was that my dh never really talked about her and was pretty dismissive of her when he did - I was a better mother, more attractive, nicer, he loved me in a way he never loved her etc etc. I do recommend you try a bit of that with your dp. Create as much distance between your ex and your current family as is compatible with keeping things amicable for your dd. Of course, don't bad mouth him in front of dd, but a whispered, "I'm so glad I have you and don't have to put up with him anymore." can work wonders IME. As is telling him he's a great father and giving him more fatherly responsibilities - eg he does the nightly bath - which seems to build both confidence and family intimacy. I find the more my dh looks after our son, the more loving and tender he feels towards him. Also I think if you tell someone they are a great father/good boy whatever (!) they do seem to want to live up to it. He says he doesn't always know what he's doing, and that's quite a hard thing for a man to admit IMO, and it can help to admit that you too feel like that and that it's an intrinsic part of being a parent. I too felt quite threatened that my dh had been a parent before and would know more than me - it helped that he never told me what to do, gave me advice or criticised how I looked after ds, and certainly never said, 'what we did...' or anything, which I would have found very upsetting. Being a step-parent is a tricky job too, in many ways worse than being a parent because you have to love and support and care for a child that you don't feel you can also quite be yourself with because their prime loyalty isn't to you. And it's hard for men because they feel more uneasy expressing those feelings and asking for help. Maybe your dp would benefit from reading something about that role too? Of course it is unacceptable to yell stuff about hitting your dd - totally unacceptable and he mustn't do it again. Though I do get the impression that a/ he doesn't actually hit her and would never really do so and b/feels remorse for yelling. If that's the case, then I think if he can deal with his frustrations and insecurities then he won't feel the desire to shout at her either. I want to say that I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. This is in no way any criticism of you. But if he really wants to change and you really want to make your relationship work, then I think you can really make progress. I hope so!

Hi all

Thanks for all the great advice! It really is helping.

Ive got a community nurse coming today who specialises in behaviour and sleep to talk about megan and help me to establish her routine and discipline strategy!

DP is still at his Mums but had another very constructive chat on the phone yesterday - he works in a hospital and has been to see someone in occupational health for advice telling her what happened (I think they are quite friendly anyway) and she has given him some advice on who he can go to to arrange some possible anger management or counselling - that sounds totally bizarre thinking he could need that?!?!?!!??! but I think its a really good sign that he is taking it seriously - do you agree?

i think that is great becca!
well done you!

I think that is the MOST brilliant news. Anger management works well, I believe, esp if the person really wants to change. I was thinking about you today (!) and realised that if my dh rushed off instantly to see his ex partner (mother of his dd) in hospital, I would be extremely upset. I'm not saying you were wrong at all, just that it is not an extreme reaction not to like it. I also think that once you are committed to a routine for Megan she will be happier. I also thought about the coat incident that started all this. I personally would have picked up her coat without comment when she threw it and carried it to the car and then taken her to ballet for a bit of getting out of the house/distraction/physical exercise. I think she got a bit backed into a corner that she couldn't get herself out of. It's just a thought. I think you are doing really well and your dp is really responding to a bit of tough love!

Thanks

Started the routine with Meg tonight and it went very very well - while she was at nursery I made her a little bedtime book - i drew pictures of every step (quiet time, snack, drink, brush teeth, toilet, pyjamas, stories, teddy bear and sleep" and laminated them and made them into a book so she followed each step and will do it every night !!

You are Supermum! I'd never have the energy/motivation to do that. I really hope it continues to work for you.

I hope that one day - once your DD is old enough to really understand - that she realises how blessed she is to have such a fantastic mother... as they say you don't get many of you to the pound!!!

Well done becca, that sounds great. I was thinking about you today too (isn't it strange, how we all spend time thinking about people we've never met? Nice though!) and I do think she'll respond well to you being loving and consistent. You have to be, I think, while everything else is so strange and changeable.

Thought I would update on here after all of the wonderful advice I got

Im pleased to say there is about an 543749724739% improvement in all areas!!!

Since the day I implemented the "bedtime book" we havent had a single bedtime tantrum - goes to bed without a fuss, sleeping 12 hours and getting up early in the morning bright and rested - I have concentrated on positive praise and ignoring bad behaviour and I have a [nearly] new child! We are having pleasant little conversations and fun again - whilst we still have the odd tantrum and she is still weeing on demand if she wants attention Im soo pleased with the changes - I think (hope) I have managed to break the negative cycle we had all got in.

As for DP - things are much better there as well - feels like he is finally on my side again and is joining forces with me on the positive reinforcement discipline - he cant believe how well it has worked either and now feels even sillier for thinking striking fear into her would be the way to go!!

Thanks again for all of your help - it made such a big difference
Becca
xx

Ah, that's great news Becca!

Great news Becca

Great news Becca

Really, really pleased for you. Well done for persevering!