Yet another F****ing Fours Thread!

[Beccarollover]

Ive been clogging up the Bar with this so thought Id start a thread.

I know there have been LOTS of threads about badly behaved 3-4 year olds around at the moment sorry if this is all just a repeat of those.

Im not necessarily looking for answers just a place to vent and a bit of support.

I have had about the hardest day as a mum that ive had so far and have ended up in tears a few times - the behaviour or my DD has got me to the point where Im not enjoying her at all and its making me sooo sad - she is the light of my life but I feel Ive lost my little gorgeous, funny, cute, bright wonderful girl to a pest that screams, shouts, scratches, bites, moans, whinges, kicks etc etc what seems like all the time.

Today for example she woke up whingeing about something or other and it carried on literally all day - i feel like im permanently either dealing with a tantrum or trying my best to avoid her going into one - this is becoming increasingly difficult as anyting and everything sets her off. Today the thing that kicked off a HUGE tantrum was me asking her to pick her coat up off the ground that she had thrown down in temper - she responded with the usual NO NO NO YOU DO IT and threw herself on the ground - I gave her to the count of three and if she didnt we wouldnt be going to ballet - she didnt so I didnt take her to ballet - got he in the car and she started kicking the insides of the car of kicking the seats and screaming - I said if this carries on by the time we arrive home you will have to go to your room - needless to say it did so I put her in her room - she trashed it, I went in and literally couldnt see the floor, drawers were pulled over, videos and pens everywhere, paper covering the entire floor and toys everywhere. I decided to just ignore her - this led to her screaming and screaming and kicking her door and walls for about an hour - GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I WILL KILL YOU I HATE YOU I DONT LOVE YOU YOUR HORRIBLE GET ME RIGHT NOW OR ILL SMASH MY BED AND NEVER SLEEP IN IT etc etc - In the end I waited for a quiet moment and went in and said are you ready to be calm yet? and let her come downstairs on teh understanding as soon as she misbehaved she would go straight back - calm laste for about 2 minutes, i got her a drink of water and it was in "the wrong glass" she kicked off so i took her back upstairs and left her - more kicking of walls and doors ensued with more shouting then she starts shouting IVE BEEN SICK IVE BEEN SICK LOOK WHAT YOUR DOING TO ME - i went up, cleaned her without saying anything and put her back to bed - she eventually went to sleep after more of the same at 11pm - throughout the night she also wet herself for attention 4 or 5 times. The coat incident started at 3pm and until 11pm she tantrummed

What do I do?

I feel very sad - normally I can shrug it off and roll with it but Im starting to really not enjoy being with her, I feel like ive lost my little girl

Im sure ill feel better tomorrow !

Im really sorry this has gone on so long - needed to let it out

Not sure if I have even made much sense - today is typical of most days at the moment

Becca
xxx

beccaroll
of course she wont tidy up like you do and it wont be spotless because she is 4 and no she is not too young but my tactic is
when they have done this I just calmly walk in and tell them what a terrific, brilliant job they have done messing their room and lets see whether they can do an even better job getting it back to the way it is.
Instead of expecting a negative reaction from me ie screaming and shouting at look what you have done, they show disbelief on their faces and soon got it done. It is like a "hey whats up with mum as she is not reacting like she should do" IYKWIM.

I can predict how she will respond to bedroom tidying she will ask for my help - do you think it would be ok to help her or does it have to be all her effort?

all her effort to a certain point. then when she is at nursery or soemthing, do the supermum cleaning job.

agree with misdee there as for the weeing could she be acting like a baby
am i right that you have a few months old son.
VCould she be attention seeking because of him, ie you do everything for him

You are right doormat - with my DD when I get to the telling her to tidy up bit I put on my best softly spoken 'how disappointed' I am voice. I usually say that of course it just wouldn't be fair of me to tidy it up for her because I'm sure that she wants to show me that she's ready to be friends again. If that doesn't work I will usually pick the name of her favorite friend and say, 'its such a pity so and so won't be able to come over and play while your room is in such a mess, nevermind I'm sure once you've tidied it up she can come again'

Having said that this only works once she is calm. In the middle of the tantruming I never comment on it. So in a way she doesn't get the reaction she wants.

Yes, I have a 4 month old - she has never shown negative feelings towards him but this behaviour has reached new heights since his arrival

He was lying on his mat the other day and without knowing I was watching she went over to him and whispered in his ear "Your making my life a misery"

Most of the time she seems to want to be the "big girl" and goes on about being 4 and how grown up she is so doesnt do much baby talk or anything but this could be those feelings manifesting themselves

and what did you say to her when she said this to the baby

Nothing - I thought it best to let it past - right before and straight after she was fine and just got on with things - probably did the wrong thing there didnt I

I have asked her why she is doing it when she has behaved badly (Im trying hard not to say NAUGHTY!) and she comes out with things like there is a naughty animal that lives inside me or Ive got a machine inside me that makes me do it

The bars empty? I've got all tearful now, what the hell is happening, everyones emotions are raw.

No I dont think you did nothing wrong by saying nothing to her but I would of again used the "reverse pyschology" bit and explain to her her that with her tantrums she makes the baby scared so he needs extra cuddles and love to make him feel safer.

I know, wonder if its the weather or something

Im just off to bed now - trying to conserve energy ready for round 2 tomorrow!

Have a good cry - better out than in, have some chocolate

You see Im very conscious of not saying things like that to her in case she feels Im putting Harveys needs above hers. For example if she is playing with him I wont intervene unless she is being far too rough as I dont want her to feel Im always saying "be careful of harvey, look after harvey" etc etc

On the subject of the baby - he gets very upset when a tantrum is in full throw, he must get a shock with the noise

Hi Becca. So sorry to hear you're having such a tough time with your dd. Tbh it really sounds like attention-seeking to me: both my ds1 and dd had reactions to the birth of the next one down, and neither time did it show itself in their behaviour to the baby, but in their behaviour to me. Particularly with ds1. Once the novelty of a baby had worn off he lashed out at me for having less time for him, not at the baby for being responsible. Though I do think that "Your making my life a misery" is quite a sophisticated statement for a 4yo: don't think ds1 who's 5 could say that. Are you able to make time specifically for your dd during the day where you can give her complete 1:1 attention? Sorry, it probably sounds stupid/impossible, but I found it very difficult to put the elder child 'first' sometimes, it seems to come so naturally to put the baby 'first'.

I do really feel for you. My dd is just 3 and we've had a very hard year with her. She is a queen of tantrums and although she is improving, I do feel as though I tiptoe around her a lot to avoid the eruptions; have decided that it's not fair to either of us to continue to make allowances for her - she's not a baby any more. I've tried to compensate, now that ds2 has a more regular and substantial nap, to use that time to be completely with her doing what she wants to do, and it really has helped. It's reminded me that behind the 'No's, and the screaming/whining/hitting (ds1) is the beautiful, charming, adorable little girl who I thought had disappeared around 18 months.

Wishing you all the best.

Thankyou PonyGirl, alot of that just hit a chord with me - I do try and do as much 1 to 1 as I can but yes, your right I do tend to put babies needs first instead of hers - not always as part of my attempt to solve this problem has been taking her out just the two of us, I always spend time with her when baby has gone to bed etc etc

Ive got myself into a viscious circe as its beginning to wear me down so my temper is shorter, I have less patience and seem to have lost the energy to start each day really positively - we are both on edge it seems and quickly after waking up it is dissolving into a mess!

NOw, this morning for example - baby and I are up now but I dont know whether to wake her as she tantrummed right up until 11pm where she collapsed in a heap so she has only had just over 8 hours now where she usually has closer to 12.

good luck this morning becca
i am not at work today - been poorly during the night....

what has been wrong?

been vommting afew times in night and once this morning...must have eaten something dodgy

oh no, I hate that - hope your feeling better today

She is still sleeping...........

hi becca hope today is a better day, I'd be inclined to let her sleep, or you
might be on a no win if she's tired as well today
Hope you're feeling better popyscal

Im going to let her sleep and when she wakes give her a big cuddle and be extra extra positive and see if it rubs off on her...

...only thing is, what do you all think - after she trashed her room last night I need to get her to tidy it - this will more than likely set off another tantrum - I do have to do it though dont I!? I know I have to but not sure I have the energy to endure another day like yesterday, fingers crossed she responds ok.

Becca do it together and tell her when you've done it you can sit down together and have a drink and a story. Good luck. HTH

Issymum - thanks, Ill contact you via contact a talker.

I do use the 1,2,3 approach but could do with reading about it I think - I think Im not consistent enough with it as there isnt always a predictable outcome - instead of having something set that happens if I get to 3 it all depends for example it will be "Ill count to 3 and if your still doing it you wont go to ballet" or if I get to to 3 and your still doing it Ill go beserk - not really consistent enough there am I

She does respond to the 1,2,3 and USUALLY stops by 3 but I feel like Im counting to 3 ALL DAY! She never does anything I ask without being bribed, cajoled or 1,2,3ed into doing it!