Yet another F****ing Fours Thread!

[Beccarollover]

Ive been clogging up the Bar with this so thought Id start a thread.

I know there have been LOTS of threads about badly behaved 3-4 year olds around at the moment sorry if this is all just a repeat of those.

Im not necessarily looking for answers just a place to vent and a bit of support.

I have had about the hardest day as a mum that ive had so far and have ended up in tears a few times - the behaviour or my DD has got me to the point where Im not enjoying her at all and its making me sooo sad - she is the light of my life but I feel Ive lost my little gorgeous, funny, cute, bright wonderful girl to a pest that screams, shouts, scratches, bites, moans, whinges, kicks etc etc what seems like all the time.

Today for example she woke up whingeing about something or other and it carried on literally all day - i feel like im permanently either dealing with a tantrum or trying my best to avoid her going into one - this is becoming increasingly difficult as anyting and everything sets her off. Today the thing that kicked off a HUGE tantrum was me asking her to pick her coat up off the ground that she had thrown down in temper - she responded with the usual NO NO NO YOU DO IT and threw herself on the ground - I gave her to the count of three and if she didnt we wouldnt be going to ballet - she didnt so I didnt take her to ballet - got he in the car and she started kicking the insides of the car of kicking the seats and screaming - I said if this carries on by the time we arrive home you will have to go to your room - needless to say it did so I put her in her room - she trashed it, I went in and literally couldnt see the floor, drawers were pulled over, videos and pens everywhere, paper covering the entire floor and toys everywhere. I decided to just ignore her - this led to her screaming and screaming and kicking her door and walls for about an hour - GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I WILL KILL YOU I HATE YOU I DONT LOVE YOU YOUR HORRIBLE GET ME RIGHT NOW OR ILL SMASH MY BED AND NEVER SLEEP IN IT etc etc - In the end I waited for a quiet moment and went in and said are you ready to be calm yet? and let her come downstairs on teh understanding as soon as she misbehaved she would go straight back - calm laste for about 2 minutes, i got her a drink of water and it was in "the wrong glass" she kicked off so i took her back upstairs and left her - more kicking of walls and doors ensued with more shouting then she starts shouting IVE BEEN SICK IVE BEEN SICK LOOK WHAT YOUR DOING TO ME - i went up, cleaned her without saying anything and put her back to bed - she eventually went to sleep after more of the same at 11pm - throughout the night she also wet herself for attention 4 or 5 times. The coat incident started at 3pm and until 11pm she tantrummed

What do I do?

I feel very sad - normally I can shrug it off and roll with it but Im starting to really not enjoy being with her, I feel like ive lost my little girl

Im sure ill feel better tomorrow !

Im really sorry this has gone on so long - needed to let it out

Not sure if I have even made much sense - today is typical of most days at the moment

Becca
xxx

Oh dear poor little thing - her dads in hospital all roughed up and the same night her 'other dad' or whatever she calls him is threatening to thump her for making a fuss.

I think he may have been feeling pretty threatened over all the attention going else where, your ex, your DD and the new baby.

You see its not just your DD who is throwing temper tantrums is it!!

FWIW my view is that the treatment should be the same as most books adivise for toddlers. Ignore it/him, don't give him the reaction he is expecting otherwise he'll be throwing them every 2 minutes and your busy enough as it is without dealing with another child right now!!!

How about starting a new thread - yet another f***g man throwing temper tantrums

I will now be lynched because one of the men on the site took real exception to a thread title quite similar to that a while ago - oh well!!

well - my younger sister is taking both kids for the day tomorrow to edinburgh zoo then on wednesday I have a pre arranged appointment with community nurse about behaviour so I can talk to her

apart from that not much help available as all friends/family work during the day

Thats exactly it - he is like a toddler who cant deal with his emotions, becomes frustrated and lashes out at innapropriate moments - i wonder if time out on the bottom step would help him!

seriously though, i kind of understand the problem but question is what to do

no advice becca but lots of hugs - so sorry you are going thru this

Without being too flippant - I think you need to get the message over to him somehow, that you need and the children need, another parent. That you are a team, a partnership that have to work together to make your relationship and your parenting of the children work.

I have no idea how to...

My DH, excellent in many many ways, is prone to lapse into toddlerdom on occaision and I get really pissed off about it. However this is usually only in the way he deals with the children when they are being challenging - doesn't really cross over into anything else and he has never threatened to leave!

becca, agree with enid about behaviour book given the circs. agree with jmg about f*ing men, tantrums etc. hugs.

Have just hit on this thread and wanted to send you a big hug. On the subject of using violence to deal with children, on Child of Our Time (at least I think that's what it was called - the Prof. Winston one)the week before last, there was a young boy who was quite vicious to the other kids at nursery. You then saw him at home having a kicking from his big sis, then the mum comes in and gives the sis a slap and a half - serious mixed messages going on here. My mother was partial to giving my sister and myself quite a few slaps and all I could think was that she didn't love me. I think it is possible to discipline without using violence - at least our kids will grow up with better values (I hope!)

do you think the fact he smokes dope is relevant here?

be pretty easy for us all to condemn him on those grounds, but isn't it supposed to make you more relaxed?

I just thought that it might make him more paranoid (the jealousy of exDP etc) therefore more likely to keep alot of resentment in and then explode like he did last night

He doesnt smoke a lot by any means but I had noticed he had been smoking it more recently and thought that might explain a few things.

I think the "let him take his stuff quietly and talk at the weekend" might be the best way all round

He will be here soon..........

Wish me luck

GOoD LUCK - TEXT ME BECCA

Message withdrawn

Oh Becca,
Have just come accross this thread and send hugs on this tough time. Have no real help where Meg is concerned unfortunately, but i wanted to add that i once had a boyfriend who smoked quite a lot of dope and he was really paranoid, always thinking i was cheating, never wanting me to go out etc, always thinking i was talking baout him to others. Maybe this is part of the explanation for his behaviour (although by no means an acceptable excuse for his actions)

Paula

He has been, we talked and he has now gone

I think it was very beneficial - as I suspected he has been holding a lot back recently and it has all come to the surface, Ex's accident being the final catalyst and sadly resulted in DD being in the firing line.

He came full of apology, self loathing and remorse etc etc and also opened up more than Ive ever seen - he talked about feeling like he had a "missing link" when it comes to the kids and feels like he isnt a proper dad, thinks he has failed and often feels like he doesnt know what he is doing.

He accpeted the he must learn to handle his emotions more effectively and has agreed to us looking into counselling to help him with that.

Again, I was right about the trust issue - my contact with ex seems to be a major bone of contention even though he understands why we are in close contact (dd) he says he cant help but feel sick Iabout it - again he admitted he will have to learn to change.

I basically gave him the option to change or leave simple as that as while I understand how he might be feeling I cant allow it to go on when DD has become involved.

So....... I told him to go - sent with him some reading material on positive parenting and told him to think about what we had talked about and let me know what he thinks we can do to help the changes to happen.

well done Becca, sounds like you handled it perfectly - and it doesn't sound like your relationship is beyond saving at all, best of luck and keep us posted

well done - it looks like you've managed to make him sit up and think but at the same time given him the support he needs if he wants to change! I'm full of respect for you!!

well done indeed.

Well done, Becca, I am really impressed with how you have held this together and given yourself and your dp some hope for working things out. Good luck.

Becca, you are totally amazing. You really are. I'm very, very, VERY VERY VERY impressed.xxxxxxx