My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

[JustFabulous]

No way round this, is there? .

{desperate}

I remember on another thread a while ago, someone said to me "Actually we're all just winging it". She was so right, none of us know how to be a parent. I had a very pleasant, uneventful upbringing. When I had children, my parents were always making comparisons about what we did and what they did, with very heavy stress on the fact that they thought we should copy them. But it was 30 years later and things were very different. I didn't think they had been wrong, but I didn't want to do it the same way that they had.
I shut my Dad up by asking him if he thought I was so perfect that there was no room for improvement!
My mother has been horrified at some of the tantrums and arguments that she has witnessed.
She also said, when my 3 were all mid teens that she questioned whether her way had been best because she couldn't believe how close we were and how much communication there was between us.
I'm trying to say that having an example isn't necessarily the answer.
I've realised also that that neither of my parents ever told me that they loved me, but I never doubted that they did, verbalising it just wasn't their style.
I guess I'm saying the same as all the others.
It is glaringly obvious that you are an excellent mother. You are here often asking for help and advice which indicates that you care massively.
Your children know this. They test you to the limit because they know you will take it. They feel totally secure/ take you for granted - same thing.
Sorry, long, late, ramble. I just really feel for you and wish you could see how well you're doing.

I really want to write the responses on my hand, ready.

I woke this morning, scared of the day ahead but I know what we are doing (shoe shopping then swimming) and the kids are so and that we are going I am hoping that equals nice behaviour.

DS1 is now winding up DD .

Off to shoe shop and swimming (though dd now doesn't want to go as ds1 is being mean). Wish me luck!

You will be fine. If in doubt bluff it out!

Bewitched makes some excellent points. Fab - do you tease your DC? I completely understand that it doesn't come naturally, but mild ridicule is a great way to get things through to DC.

A random example - DH and I managed to both go shopping the other day (communication not always a speciality in this house ) and had both bought pudding - so we told the DC they had to choose which pudding they wanted (without knowing who had bought which) based on which parent they loved most. They knew we were joking, but it all helps to make them see that the "you love her/him more than me" debates are ridiculous (not that they don't still do it, but they do, deep down, know that they are silly). In our house, a lot of these relationship things can also be played out through cuddly animals - my DC both have ridiculously huge numbers of animals, and lots of "he said/she said" "he hit me" "you love him/her more" gets played out between them with the DC in question in the role of parent.

That looks ridiculous and pompous written down, but it's mostly just mucking around at bedtime really.

I am back! I survived! I am poor!

£320 for 8 pairs of shoes, trainers and football boots.

Then across the road for a book each from the charity shop. They had a 3 for 2 offer so I am grateful for small mercies.

Then to the swimming pool. I have never taken them on my own before and we were there for nearly 2 hours. I was a nervous wreck trying to keep an eye on them all and lost DD a couple of times which was awful. On the way back to the car DS1 was stung twice. He reacts badly so I abandoned them on the path and hotfooted to the car for the first aid kit. He is sleepy but seems okay and we don't need to go to hospital.

I am feeling proud of myself . I haven't shouted and nothing has escalated.

I used "I don't want to hear it" several times, have ignored lots of things and explained things that needed explaining once everyone was calm.

I have been making things worse. I have been shouting and losing my temper out of desperation. And exhaustion.

DH has offered to book me a night alone in a hotel tonight so I can get some sleep but I am not convinced I want to go. If DH could come then I would .

I am not sure how to go about the teasing. I know DD wouldn't like it and would cry. If we suggested they chose something on the basis of who they love the most DS2 would immediately say me, DD would refuse to chose and DS1 would give a long explanation as to why he has chosen the one he has.

Oh just fab, that is fantastic. What a great day! You have got to remember today so you know you CAN have great days together.

I would also talk about the day with dc later. Ask than what they liked about it etc, and mention you loved that you all got on and there was no arguing etc. Say you want to have more lovely days like that.

Not no arguing but I get the point . Just had to stay calm and ignore while DD and DS2 had a daft argument. I am so tired but much better than yesterday.

Sorry missed that bit, ignoring silly arguments is the way to go! Mine still occasional bicker, they are 18 and 21. I just ignore or leave the room.

Dh and I bicker too sometimes. we did the other day and Dd2 said very calmly "do you really need to argue over a bottle of shampoo". We looked at each other and said "no" very sheepishly. We than all burst out laughing.

I find the arguing hard because I so wanted my children to get on. My dh grew up loving that he had loads of cousins, our children won't be having any cousins so he decreed we would have a big family and hope that the next generation would enjoy a lot of relatives. We wanted loads of kids but also did it for them so no wonder I get upset when they argue .

Oh missus, you are doing great, really great.

Bloody well done on the ignoring too

Thank you .

This time yesterday I was sobbing my eyes out for the 4th time that day .

Shoe shopping (eww), swimming with 3 (stress-city), medical emergency (major freakout zone) all in one day and you coped beautifully while managing to remember the ignoring?

I do feel happy at having a better day but totally and at how many days I have ruined when I have yelled at them.

Just laid on the floor with FABCat.

DS1 started with the "Mummeeeeeeee". I ignored and called DD to have girlie time with me and the cat. Then DS2 gate crashed. I moved and suggested they do X together. (Ignoring at the moment). That is twice today I have randomly come up with a suggestion for something they can do when they have been trying.

Hey, regrets are pointless, you can't change what went on in the past, only the future.And you are doing that!

And the DC really love you so you can't have been a monster. And you have had the nous to look for help and act on it, therefore you are a great Mum x

It spreads. The more I manage situations that are hard and it doesn't kick off, ie I don't act like a fishwife, the more confidence I get.

It's great, isn't it?

THIS is the stuff they should be teaching mums and dads at baby groups, not the wheels on the fecking bus

JustFab I'm so pleased to hear this! You're right it does spread once you're on a good track and it does get easier to diffuse things!

Just don't panic and get off track when one of them does inevitably do/say something silly/irresponsible next- they will, they're children but you CAN handle it.

Well done!

I am so pleased more from me to say congratulations.

I only came on here to see how you got on - I was so hoping it went ok and I'm so impressed that you handled stings too.

I like to do a mental list of 5 nice/good things things that have happened in a day when I'm in bed (can be as simple as a good cup of coffee/managing to not shout)-imagine how many things you could put on that kind of list today!

Would it help you to think percentage wise? Out of 14 waking hours how many minutes are kids actually actively fighting/not getting on -I bet it's less than you think.

I love my brother(4years older than me), in my teens he became one of my best friends. However, when I was 9 I can remember waiting until he was in bed and then running in and hitting him - I was just sick of him being an attention seeking prat who made fun of me in front of his friends...My parents ignored every single argument we ever had unless there was blood-it was absolutely the right thing to do-we found each other in the end (even though he can still be an attention seeking prat at times )

I hope you can find the energy to keep going. please remember that if you do lose it it's not back to square one-just keep at it.

I feel I have done a couple of things wrong over tea time but I haven't shouted and they haven't complained I don't care, are not bothered though DD did complain once that nobody listened to her. I was listening. I just wasn't processing what she was saying.

I have just walked away as they were arguing with me.

I am hoping DH is home earlier than he was last night as I am tired and hardly saw him last night as I went to bed early.

I just ignored DS2 moaning and distracted him . It worked

DS1 is being a pest to be mean to DD and DS1, what do I do about that?

He is emailing a friend, really slooooooooooooowly as DS2 is waiting to go on the computer.

It is okay.

DS1 is trying to be a PITA but I am not rising to it.

Gentle mockery?

"Do you need a hand with that e-mail darling? It seems to be a bit hard for you since you're taking so long."

And since you can't get to a hotel for a break, can you persuade DH to be the hot room service guy later?