do your kids do as they're told when they're told to do it?

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

cos if they do I want to know your secret. probably like most parents I use a mix of the stick and carrot - which in our case usually comprises removing or adding beads to a pot, with beads adding up to treats. (ie the mn pasta jar but with beads) All well and good and it is pretty much guaranteed to get results. But I am fed up of it!!!!! I really cannot get dds to do anything without issuing a threat or a bribe and it's driving me up the wall. I really don;t want to have to count to 10 and take away or add beads for every single little thing. Has anyone found a less specific way of rewarding good behaviour which actually keeps them on their toes all (or at least most) of the time, as opposed to one where they only actually prick their ears up and do as they're told when they hear the word bead/pasta/star/sticker?

Cheltenhamgal- really sorry youa re going through so much in the way of trouble, has she been assessed for any SN or psychological problems? I onlya sk as DS1 was also threatened with suspension before his assessment (we are on the path to a dx of aspergers or high functioning autism).

Are you getting the professional suppport you need?

That's pretty ruddy awful cheltenhamgal but I guess you were at your wits end. I don't think that is an excuse but I figure that is why you did it.

Because this is so sad and upsetting and awful for most of us to hear I forsee lots of shocked replies which will simply scare off cheletenhamgal. Any chance we could go for the supportive approach to bring about change rather than the critical I don't believe you did that line?

How are you feeling now cheltenhamgal - do you appreciate the fact this worked because of the fear element rather than your daughter having any real desire to do the right thing? Want to star a thread where you can discuss what led to this? Maybe you have one already.

You're right nannyme. sorry cheltenhamgal.

hear hear nannyme

I have just read back my thread from earlier today and realised how awful it sounded of course I didn't drag her off by the scruff of her neck but I do remember saying something about a childrens home, and this is not an excuse but I really don't know where else to turn. I really can't work out where the change in heart came from as this has now been going on for approx a year and the school hadn't been communicating with me. I had posted earlier last month but as helpful tho the replies were only about 3 people bothered to offer advice. I am existing at the moment on about 2hrs sleep a night as I am worried sick, I work full-time and cannot afford to give my job up, I have no family within a 200 mile radius. The school have just put her on the SEN register but seem to have the opinion that it should be me disiplining her for misbehaving in school. This week has been fine but I dread going to pick her up each day. Nothing I seem to say to her seems to sink in about school, her work is outstanding and she gets merits for her work left right and centre. I am really worried as I don't know what is wrong with her, I feel suitably ashamed but I really do not know what to do, thanks for the support in some of the posts

Hi cheltnamgirl - sounds like you're having a hard time. Can I just get this straight - your DD is misbehaving at school but getting high marks- is that right? How old is she? What is her behaviour like at home? What sort of misbehaving at school? Sorry if I missed something you've said already

Filyjonk wrote: "Oh I'm mean. I link everything to consequences, eg Filyboy, you must wash your hands otherwise you cannot help make the food etc. Maybe technically a threat but it works."

Filyjonk, that doesn't sound mean to me at all! (and I know you weren't being completely serious.) Sounds like good parenting because it's explaining cause and effect and how you eg have to have clean hands to make food. I think saying "you must wash your hands" without any explanation or linking effect is more confusing for a child and might lead more to disobedience, i.e. "but WHY do I have to do that?".

Cheltenhamgal, I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time. But there must be some way of working it out, maybe with professional support. You said being at your wit's end is "no excuse" for mentioning a children's home and you are right, really. It's not something to be repeated, because it does stick in a child's mind and I speak from experience. But you need support for how you're feeling and also in dealing with your daughter.

cheltenhamgal, go and have a chat with your GP about the problem. When I had a nightmare with ds, I was offered so much help. We were referred to a child psychiatrist and all sorts of people, whose exact titles I can't remember came & saw me at home & monitored ds at school too.

Aggiepanther, yes she is misbehaving at school but getting good marks. She has just turned 6, so Year 1 and has nearly finished reading Year 2's books. Her maths,spoken and written work are excellent even with her writing left handed. She very rarely plays up at home and if she does then it is time out or a withdrawal of privileges. Every single day last week there was negative feedback about her behaviour, also at half term from the kids club also. I think it is attention seeking as she is used to my attention at a weekend. The health visitor has been fab and has referred her to a paedatrician but that could take months for an app to come thru. I must sound like I am wanting sympanthy but I very rarely go out as I can't afford to so it is not very often I get a break from her, as much as I love her to bits. I am literally just working to keep the roof over our heads and the house is now up for sale as it was that or go bankrupt, thanks for your replies everyone. I really don't know what else to do , I have tried everything I can think of

OK Xheltenhamgal, having been pretty much there ( DS1 not achiewving at school though) I would suggest a couple of things:

1. I was surviving on 2 hours sleep batches for a long time, there is no way you can do that and remain balanced. Try the natural thngs- lavender oil baths, chamomile tea, etc if that doesn't work see your GP about that.

2. see a GP and ask for immediate referral to a developmental paeditrician. High achieving doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't have any SN, ADHD, Dyslexia type syndromes and Aspergers all strike regardless of IQ.

3. If she's really achieving so highly, consider boredom as a possibility. An educational psychologist is usually arranged through a school referral and he would consider this. Try discussing with her teachers if they could challenge her more- I used to have special English lessons with the Head for instance, a group of just three higher achievers (and Sn Maths butt hat's another story!!!)

4. What techniques have you tried? The MN pasta jar is popular on this site, I don't use it but if you start a thread someone wille xplain. I am using love bombing with some success, it just means saturating my ds's with love and cuddles until we reach a point where they feel they really don't want / need any more attention and feel totally secure. There are also the sticker charts, naughty corner methods- only you can decided what would work with your dd.

Don't feel too bad about yourself, yes it wasn't good parenting to yell that at her but there's no way you can operate with that sleep and stress.

I ams orry your thread didn't get a lot of replies, inevitably some slip through the MN net. It might be worth trying again, perhaps linking abck to this one?

take care

XXX

cheltenhamgal - i just posted on your original thread. Nothing very helpful though i'm afraid!

Thanks Peachyclair, I did say to her teacher I think she is bored as she was the same in Reception and at nursery but the teacher didnt think so. Her half brother has ADHD so was worried about that but the health visitor didnt think so. I will try the pasta jar, feel she is a little past the stickers tho they used to work really well. And I have said that if she is better at school she can have an activity with me of her choice but we have yet to get to the good at school, thanks for your support

Can yu sit in on a day at school? We all assume it's something we're doing but it might click if you get to see her in a different environment.

I would def ask for the referral to Ed Psych, nothing to lose after all.

thanks bournville how do I find my original thread, sorry its late :)

I agree with what's been said about possibility of boredom etc , but what gets me is that if she very rarely plays up at home then this is a school problem - not your problem - you cant be expected to reinforce/prevent/be reponsible for her behaviour when she isn't with you - at age 6 reinforcement/encouragement/timeout needs to be instant, no good expecting you to do it when she gets home - what is she like with friends? relatives? If the problem is purely in school then they need to stop passing the buck and look at whats causing this.Is an ed psychologist involved? Often they dont refer cos it costs them money (depends on area I think) I agree that threatening childrens home is not acceptable, but lets see that as a sign of desperation here ...How can you possibly be expected to control behaviour when you are not there

I did say that to the teacher peachyclair but I don't think she would misbehave if I did. When the teacher told me some of the stuff she had been doing my chin hit the floor, I had never seen that side of her. I am hoping the health visitors referral comes through quickly, and if she gets bad reports with the SEN then I think the school will have to do something. thanks

If youtuen the one threat into a positive by taking action now, then on balance that becomes a positive too iyswim.

From now on, now we know what;s happening we can all support you so that's a start.

What's with the sleep, can you explain it?

If she wouldn't so it with you there then the issue is with them BUT a child who is sleep deprived will play up regardless, much like an adult (or this adult anyhow )

aggie panther thank you I agree with you but I dont think the school does. I have had to say this week that if she is not better at school then there is no treats/TV etc when she gets home, she normally watches for half an hour before bed. I agree that the teachers should be disciplining her, but they dont seem to be able to. They have a yellow card/red card system but that just seems to go over her head

Peachy clair I think cheltenhamgal was the one deprived of sleep, not her DD :)

Just out of interest cheltenhamgal ..what is it that she is doing in school - the stuff that shocked you?

Peachyclair maybe I wasnt clear, its me that can't sleep ! she goes to sleep at 730pm and doesnt wake up until 0645 the next day. I can't sleep for stressing about her and the house going up for sale.

Telling an adult "I don't have to do as you tell me" saying to the student teacher "I have got eyes in my head you know " also what they dont seem to like is when she corrects something that the teacher has said which is wrong, not sure of an example. The three targets they have set her are doing as told first time, not answering back and not interrupting. I feel like she is the only child in the whole class who is like
this

In that case, I would recommend sleeping tablets. having seen the difference they make to my DH (a shift worker who couldn't get into a pattern) the pros are well worth the cons. But you might wish to start with a Bach Rescue remedy dose before bed, that stuff works miracles (for kids too).

But that requires a chat with your GP.

but what my dd has just realised is that she is the only child in her class who doesnt ever see her father, which worries me more as I think this could be part of it