do your kids do as they're told when they're told to do it?

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

cos if they do I want to know your secret. probably like most parents I use a mix of the stick and carrot - which in our case usually comprises removing or adding beads to a pot, with beads adding up to treats. (ie the mn pasta jar but with beads) All well and good and it is pretty much guaranteed to get results. But I am fed up of it!!!!! I really cannot get dds to do anything without issuing a threat or a bribe and it's driving me up the wall. I really don;t want to have to count to 10 and take away or add beads for every single little thing. Has anyone found a less specific way of rewarding good behaviour which actually keeps them on their toes all (or at least most) of the time, as opposed to one where they only actually prick their ears up and do as they're told when they hear the word bead/pasta/star/sticker?

You're kidding aren't you?!

DD does but ds is a lost cause

I ask rather than tell
So far so good, we do use a pocket money/ strike system for ds (12) but we have not had to use that for several months as he is a darling and helpful -ish now.
dd 3 yrs is an absolute angel

I eiter tell or say "I'd like you to..."
I don't ask because "no" is a perfectly valid answer to a question and where do you take it from there?

I don;t tell either - that was a slip. (why is it always the bits you gave no thought to or atached no significance to taht you get picked up on?)I re-phrase the question: "Do your children do as they are asked when they are asked to do it?"

Sometimes. Ds, who is 8, still falls for 'bet you can't get your pyjamas on before I count to 20' ! One day he won't. Dd is a compliant soul mostly but also has a contrary streak so sometimes I say "Don't eat that supper" so she will.

today DS1 has been delightful (and, therefore, so has DS2 as he just copies) but yesterday, Saturday and Friday, I was ready to string 'em both up!
So...in answer to the original question, sometimes
(and I also say "Do as I ask" - not tell)

can people stop waxing lyrical about their kids please? sympathy or constructive advice only. reluctant

couting to 10 is too long
make it 3

To me, disobedience is in itself wrong. Doesn't matter if the transgression itself is minor, I don't tolerate disobedience.

I also say "I WILL NOT TOLERATE DISOBEDIENCE" quite a lot along with "I WILL NOT ABIDE YOU BEING STUBBORN" and lots of other 1950s housewife phrases

If I had a £ for every time I said 'will you please do as you're told / asked, when you're told / asked to do it' I'd be a very rich woman by now. It is extremely frustrating and I don't have any top tips for how to get them to do as they are told. I've also tried star charts and praising them fullsomely when they've done as been asked first time but that doesn't mean they'll do the same again! I sometimes wonder if they genuinely don't hear me the first time I ask them or if it's selective deafness. I sometimes ask them, after I've asked them to put on their coat, shoes, brush teeth, stop bashing each other etc, whether they've heard me and understood. Sometimes that works.

some of the time I only have to ask once nicely - other times I have to use my firm voice and count to 3 - I always praise good behaviour and am physically affectionate but naughtiness gets him sent out of the room until he has calmed down and apologised and then done what he was supposed to do. He is only 2 and some poeple might think this is too much but it works - he has few tantrums and is a very loving, happy boy.

I count to 10 or 3 or 5 - dependent on the task in hand and how much time is reasonable. in fact I sometimes count to 50 - for getting undressed, pyjamas on and choosing bedtime story. but i don;t want to have to count at all. dd2 is quite sweet once I start counting she sometimes gets all panicky - "but I don;t think i can do it" she hasn't sussed that as long as she's making the effort I regulate the counting accordingly.

If asked politely and calmly then they often do. There are certainly lots of times they don't though.

I do largely 'ask' them to do something but sometimes I do 'tell' them - what's so wrong with that? I'm in charge and they know that, there's no skirting around it!

I still don't get all this asking.
Our GP used to state "I'd just like you to..." in a firm but kind voice and ds would do it.
The school medic asked "Will you ....?" Ds said no and was outraged that he had to do it anyway, and I didn't blame him.
You can "tell" in a kind gentle way, it doesn't have to be bossy or unpleasant.

I count to three - well five because it's one two two and a bit two and a big bit, three - doesn't matter what it is, then repeat request once in mummy voice, then start to take toys away/gently lead child to where they are supposed to be (dinner table/whatever).

Not a lot of patience I'm afraid but give LOTS of praise for doing things first time, doing things without being asked and also give unsolicited "prizes" for consistent good behaviour or unexpected kindness. I do give time for getting to the dinner table if games are being finished with/hands washed, and so on.
Similar works with DH

I ount to three (seconds) when i've had enough and if it's not sone by three it's upstairs for time out.

So you sound more patient than me helsy!

54321, then they lose something/don't go etc very rarely get to 1 now.
If they don't tidy the binbag fairy comes I also have evil eyes and they react straight away !

Posted A while ago about similar problem, dd was 2.4 and i was told i was expecting too much! Quite right i guess. Anyway, after that thread i made a sticker chart, a sticker for all the things i was having trouble getting her to do, and if she got all her stickers that day she gets a chocolate after tea. (therefore NO chocolate if she misses just ONE sticker) But like you, i have to warn about the sticker nearly every time, and quite often count to 3 too. But if she starts doing what i've asked, i stop counting, sounds like your dd panics that she won't get it done in time if I've understood correctly? Any subsequent messing around would result in loss of sticker/choc. How old are your kids? Perhaps the jar of beans is too sort of woolly, like, dd knows and looks forwards to her choc after tea every day, if she was just waiting for a jar to fill up it wouldn't work, but then that's cos she's still so young. (2.6)

Re the telling/asking - i have either seen on supernanny type progs or read in books that you SHOULD tell, because like ppl have said, asking usually always results in a resounding No. Def does with dd. Telling usually does too though! but at least her No doesn't then feel justified!

One of the best techniques I find (at school with teenagers as well as at home) is to calmly state what I want to happen - with tone, body language, and actual words to suggest that I expect them to comply, say "thank you" (before they've done it); and then to remove my attention from them.

eg: "Tom, I want you to sit down and get your book out and write today's date. Thank you." Then turn away and speak to the whole class.

"David, Take your pyjamas and put them away in your bedroom now. Thank you." Then turn away and deal with something else.

Flibertygibbet...totaly agree. If they don't do as you ask you stand behind them and say very softly , 'If you don't do X now you have a break time detention with me. Your call....' and then walk away.

My dd calls it 'using the quiet voice that scares people'

Oh I'm mean. I link everything to consequences, eg Filyboy, you must wash your hands otherwise you cannot help make the food etc. Maybe technically a threat but it works.

If no consequences, I count. Filyboy generally does as requested at 1.

He's 2 1/2

Has anyone suggested counting backwards rather than forwards? I find it works better with my two, as they just continue counting if counting up! (They've not learnt negative numbers yet!)

I used to count to 5 or 10 or 20, depending on the task at hand, now I only count to 3. Got fed up, like you. After 3 it's a pasta from the jar. I say: DS, please put your shoes on, then withy a firmer voice: DS, please put your shoes on, this is the second time.... then he runs. But they do need reminding that I won't ask them more than 3 times.

Filyjonk, yes, if it's not something that's on the sticker chart, I usually find the consequence to not doing what i say, (eg taking something she's being aggressive with off her). I panic slightly when there is no consequence! .

Another thing that is supposed to help is to give them a choice when possible. eg if they are not getting dressed, instead of saying "get dressed now" say "do you want to wear this, or this?" and before you know it they are tricked into actually getting dressed! Hardly ever have to remind about the sticker at getting dressed since doing this...
I use this for eating as well. "Three more mouthfuls. What are you going to eat next - the potato, carrot or broccoli?" They are supposed to then feel more in control themselves rather than being disobedient to gain control. Again, prob works for younger rather than older, i'd imagine they get wise?