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Original poster

My daughter has been abused by another child

142 replies

Ripeberry · 29/03/2011 08:10

They are good friends or so I thought. DD1 is 8yrs old and her friend is a boy who is 10 months older. Last night my DD1 broke down crying all of a sudden and the only way I could get her to tell me what it was about was to ask her to 'draw' what was bothering her.

It was basically 'rape'. He has been threatening to beat her up if she told anyone and it's been going on for a few weeks unbeknown to me, but thinking back she has been quite moody/miserable Sad

I've banned him from coming anywhere near us (usually at our house everyday)
But I've got to tell his mum somehow, but I want her to get help from him, not know six bells out of him (USUAL SOLUTION!)

How would you approach the parent?

OP posts:
sparklyjewlz · 29/03/2011 08:13

How awful. Sad
Shouldn't you go to the police?

BlackSwan · 29/03/2011 08:13

Call the police and get counselling for your daughter. Are you joking - why post on MN for something so serious?

amberleaf · 29/03/2011 08:14

Where did it happen was it at school ?

if so you need to tell the school, the school child protection person [prob the head teacher] should pass it on to social services as this boy doing such a thing may himself be being abused as children often act out such abuse.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 29/03/2011 08:15

Go straight to the police. Might stop him doing it to another child. I wouldn't trust the parents to deal with it, tbh.

amberleaf · 29/03/2011 08:15

yes police too and i wouldnt approach the parent at all.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/03/2011 08:16

I wouldn't approach the parent.

I would call the police.

Why would you think of doing anything else? Your 8 year old daughter has been raped. (not sure why you have put '' around it though, was it not rape?)

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 29/03/2011 08:17
Sad

You need to contact SS or the police imo, not approach the mum.

MmeLindt · 29/03/2011 08:17

Go to the police. There is no way around it. She needs to talk to a professional and the boy needs a) to be stopped, and b) help - as he may be being abused himself.

gorionine · 29/03/2011 08:18

I would tell the police and let them tell the parents.

How's your Dd? and yourself? it must be really hard on both of you.

mypandasgotcrabs · 29/03/2011 08:18

I wouldn't be going near the parent. I'd be straight to the police and getting counselling for DD. If he knows how to do these things and threatening her with violence if she tells anyone then perhaps he's having the same done to him. And if you only approach the parent what's to stop him doing it to another little girl? The parent sounds a lovely person btw so I certainly wouldn't be approaching them.

Bucharest · 29/03/2011 08:19

You haven't got to tell his Mum anything.
You have got to tell the police everything.
It's too big for you to deal with.

LowRegNumber · 29/03/2011 08:19

Call the police. They are very good at making sure children get the right help and support - something it sounds like this child is lacking. This may also be a sign that something sexual is hapening to him, you have no idea what the back story is.

Let the police and ss sort it out, you are out of your depth here (as we all would be). Hope you dd is ok.

HattiFattner · 29/03/2011 08:20

? is it possible for a max 9 year old boy to "rape" ?

I would be calling social services, because at that age, a child who is forcing another child to perform any sex act is probably being abused himself. I feel desperately sorry for both children.

The police may well get involved, but first and foremost,both children need to be interviewed by a skilled professional and the relevant interventions made without terrifying either of them.

gobbledegoop · 29/03/2011 08:20

Police obviously. You are not trained to deal with this. And nor are we. How awful :(

NotQuiteCockney · 29/03/2011 08:20

YY, straight to the police.

Tbh, an 8 (or 9?) year old boy who is doing something like this needs some help, and quick - odds are somebody else is abusing him.

Reality · 29/03/2011 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/03/2011 08:22

Agree with calling social services. I probably wouldn't call the police as they are both under the age of criminal responsibility. 'Rape' is a criminal act.

Dont talk to your daughter further about it, it will muddy the investigation and the waters. Tell the person responsible for child protection at the school too.

I wouldn't tell the other mother as her child could be being abused and it would be better dealt with by social services.

pinkthechaffinch · 29/03/2011 08:24

I would do all that LaurieFairycake advises. Excellent post.

Buda · 29/03/2011 08:25

Police. Definitely. No other options. Your DD needs to know you are protecting her. He needs help too. I have a 9 year old DS and he would not know how to rape a girl. That boy has quite likely either been abused or witnessed some inappropriate sexual behaviour. He is 9. If he is not dealt with/helped now imagine what he might be like by 16? Or 20?

Gracie123 · 29/03/2011 08:26

Please please please get counselling for your daughter quickly. Post traumatic stress disorder is the ugly side effect of people not recieving help quickly after something like this. Sad

LIZS · 29/03/2011 08:34

Shock If it took place at school you should go through them , if not police , or ss. Deos she need to see a doctor ? It is a child protection issue (for both your dd and the boy) which needs sensitive handling and you are not the right person to go to the parents. Call NSPCC or Childine if you need advice and some advice as to how best to go about it.

LIZS · 29/03/2011 08:38

sorry "support and some advice"

Hope your dd is ok and agree you shoud n't go over it again until someone else is there to listen in case you may get accused of leading her.

Original poster
Ripeberry · 29/03/2011 13:36

I'm going to the headmistress today. It did not happen at school but in the field next to our house, been happening for several weeks but she was too terrified to tell me.
I'm going to call our local council safeguarding team as they will know the next course of action.
He did not penetrate but managed to touch her with it. He has a lot of problems and this is the final straw for all of us and especially my DD.
We trusted him and treated him as one of the family and now he does this.
I'm going to the headmistress as I feel I can talk to her and she can get the ball rolling.
I'm in a total mess today and can't concentrate on anything. My daughter is home today (said she had a cough). To be honest I'm quite scared of his mum and his brothers can make a lot of trouble around here Sad

OP posts:
ronshar · 29/03/2011 13:44

RIPEBERRY. Phone your local police number. They will tell you exactly what you need to do. Have you kept the picture DD drew. It will save her having to draw it again.
Dont go to the family of the boy. It will give them time to cover up and coach the boy in what to say.

The police have procedures set up for exactly this situation. Specialist counsellors and investigators. They have SS networks as well.

DO IT NOW. Get back to us and tell us what they have said.

Then go to your DD and just hold her tight. Nothing needs to be said. Just hold her.

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 13:45

School will call SS and there will be an investigation.
at age 9 there will be no police investigation as he is not yet old enough to be criminally culpable, although it may be logged with them.

I would suggest that he has been abused himself in some way, either physically or by being allowed to see adult material.

It must have been very traumatic for your daughter, do insist on counselling for her.