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Original poster

My daughter has been abused by another child

142 replies

Ripeberry · 29/03/2011 08:10

They are good friends or so I thought. DD1 is 8yrs old and her friend is a boy who is 10 months older. Last night my DD1 broke down crying all of a sudden and the only way I could get her to tell me what it was about was to ask her to 'draw' what was bothering her.

It was basically 'rape'. He has been threatening to beat her up if she told anyone and it's been going on for a few weeks unbeknown to me, but thinking back she has been quite moody/miserable Sad

I've banned him from coming anywhere near us (usually at our house everyday)
But I've got to tell his mum somehow, but I want her to get help from him, not know six bells out of him (USUAL SOLUTION!)

How would you approach the parent?

OP posts:
Gracie123 · 29/03/2011 19:20

I'm sorry, but I can't understand the whole 'get DD therapy if she won't be questioned about it again' and 'don't talk to her in case you lead her in some way'.

SS aren't doing anything. The Police aren't doing anything. There is no trial where she could be accused of being an unreliable witness.

This is about her daughters mental health. There are loads of studies to show that abused children who don't receive timely counselling (I know a psychiatric doctor who suggests 6 weeks) are at risks of developing PTSD and/or DID which are both serious conditions that could affect her adult life, even if she seems to be coping now.

I understand that SS have said they can't do anything, but I really think you should take her to the GP and explain that you would like her to receive counselling ASAP. It doesn't necessarily mean going over what happened (although she may want to) and could be as simple as talking about how she is feeling and how to help her feel better, but you need someone trained in these situations to deal with it.

Please don't accept that because it won't happen again it's over. Sad

MadameCastafiore · 29/03/2011 19:25

This situation needs intervention from someone with a bit more about them than a headmistress (no disrespect but most of them know feck all about the law when it comes to sexual assault/abuse and competancy). You need to take DD to the doctors - get a referral to CAMHS if you can and they will help DD in terms of counselling and supporting her through the process of disclosure and safeguarding. They are trained to deal with this and to make sure there is as little long lasting effects on your daughter as possible.

You need this reported properly not just to a head mistress - if it were me I would make sure it was on record that he had done this so next time it is escalated immediately.

MadameCastafiore · 29/03/2011 19:28

It may be worth telling the boys family to get a referral too to help them find out where this behaviour has come from and stop it now before he ends up on the sex offenders register the moment he gets to the age of criminal responsibility

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 19:33

I think this has been handled badly and all wrong. SadAngry.

amberleaf · 29/03/2011 19:35

Report to the police, the police have a child protection team and they will do something.

Its not about the boy being punished its about all children involved being protected from sexual abuse. i wouldnt be surprised if he himself has been abused.

Social services dont need his families permission to act FGS.

CaptainNancy · 29/03/2011 19:38

You've posted about this boy before, and were advised to keep him away from your family Angry
Your poor daughter. I hope she can recover from this.

thisisyesterday · 29/03/2011 19:38

sorry but this is awful

surely SS should be investigating WHY this child is abusing other children???

this is all wrong... I don't care how young this boy is, something needs to happen.
what if his parents are abusing him? as long as they say "oh yes, we'll sort it out" then no-one ever investigates??

this can't be right

amberleaf · 29/03/2011 19:41

Im finding this harder to believe now.

shesparkles · 29/03/2011 19:41

Can I add, from a police perspective, their powers and responsibilities go beyond the age of criminal responsibility.

All police forces have a family protection unit (which may go by another but similar name)and they liase very closely with education and social work departments and use a multi-agency approach

Please for god's sake DO NOT be fobbed off by what social work have told you, you MUST report this to the police, who will take the complaint seriously, and support you and your child throughout.

You owe it to your child

TheSecondComing · 29/03/2011 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 19:43

SS will investigate.
You will not be told the outcome of that investigation but they will investigate.

Sad to hear that this boy has been an issue previously and nothing was done about it.

scurryfunge · 29/03/2011 19:46

shesparkles -yes the police will take a report and promptly pass it to social services -police will only get involved if there are offences to investigate. The multi agency approach is about recognising which agency is most suitable. In this case (if it is true) -it will be a social services matter initially.

FuppyGish · 29/03/2011 19:50

Gigi - how do they ensure he doesn't do it to another child?

Anythingwithagiraffeonit · 29/03/2011 19:56

This really doesn't sound true Hmm

If it is you need to take this much much further. What parent wouldn't?? This is where I'm finding it hard to believe... If it had been my DD I wouldn't have had time to post on mumsnet... I'd be kicking ss door down. Or the police.

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 20:01

OP - I hope you are totally anonymous on here and don't have photos on your profile.

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 20:03

As with anyone of any age that commits an offence, they can only attempt to rehabilitate.

They will investigate the possible causes of the behaviours and work with the family to ensure that everything that can be done is done. obviously it very much depends what the underlying issue is. if he has gotten hold of older teenage brothers porn stash then it is a talk about boundaries clearing out that stash and lots of talking. If it is something more serious and someone has been harming him in some way then obviously that is more intensive interventions.

wannaBe · 29/03/2011 20:05

I agree with lfc and mamazon.

SS have been informed. They have a duty to investigate. Under child protection procedures the head of the school would have a duty to have contacted the parent - the head could not just blindly go to ss without the parent being made aware - it doesn't work like that.

No legal action can or should be taken against the other child, so as a result the op doesn't actually have a right to know what is being done.

What has happened to the op's dd is horrendous. But let's not forget that the perpitrator is also an eight year old, possibly vulnerable child.

The op can of course go to her gp to seek therapy for her dd, but in terms of this other child the matter is now out of her hands and rightly so.

As for all the Hmm posts, it's worth bearing in mind that op is a long-time, regular poster.

CaptainNancy · 29/03/2011 20:36

But this child has been displaying sexualised behaviour since he was 5- I have to assume it is the same child unless ripeberry is unfortunate enough to know 2 children, both best friends with her DD, who display sexualised behaviour.

You were advised to refer it to SS previously, when he started to show an interest in your younger daughter, and you were concerned about the way he was treated at home- I assume you did not take that advice.

NottsCounting · 29/03/2011 20:57

Sorry to distract from the OP, but I am now wondering if I have done the right thing in a similar situation. My DD (yr 4) was asked and agreed, to get naked with her best friend (a boy, also Yr 4). They got into bed, he went on top of her and wriggled around. She was not penetrated. She toold me this the day after it happened - which was the irst time she had a chance. She was embarrassed about it mainly, but not traumatised. She was mainly worried her best friend would get into trouble, and worried for herself as he had told her not to tell anyone.

I dealt with it by talking to the bf's dad (currently living with him, mum is working away atm) to let him know it had happened so he could talk to his son. Meanwhile, I talked to my dd - gave her every opportunity to talk freely in case there was anything else she wanted to say - she went on to tell me he had kissed her vulva. However, I have not turned it into a big deal, but said it is the sort of thing that adults do, not children, and that i did not want it to happen again. I have said that neither she nor her best friend are in trouble, but that they know now not to do it again. As I said, she was not coerced, nor was she traumatised. I will obviously supervise them more next time he comes round Blush.

Should I have acted differently do you think? Best friend's dad is lovely, no obvious safeguarding flags, but he reckoned ithe behaviour might be the influence of some older cousins who his son stayed with at half term and said he would talk more with his son about this sort of thing.

What do you think?

NottsCounting · 29/03/2011 20:59

Sorry, forgot to say, I basically put this down to children experimenting - where do you draw the line??

Apols for atrocious spelling too Blush

upyourdiva · 29/03/2011 21:00

Ripeberry again I am sorry BUT-

You were concerned about how this child was treated in the past yet you never reported it

Then continued to allow him to play with your DD even though you had a problem with his inappropriate behaviour

You then despite having previous issues about his treatment (assumedly neglect of some form) dropped it with the authorities when it came to the first hurdle and went onto contact teh aprent

The parent who was mistreating the boy in the first place??!

In other words you have not only endangered your own childs safety but also that of the little boy...

LaurieFairyCake · 29/03/2011 21:00

No, you should not have acted differently. It was just experimentation, no one was harmed. Unlike the op's child who was threatened.

You did just fine, Notts.

AllSheepareWhite · 29/03/2011 21:01

CALL THE POLICE NOW! they have the specialist counsellors trained in such cases who can help your daughter deal with what has happened to her. They will refer boy to Youth Offending Team, it is unlikely given his age that he will be prosecuted, but at least he will be monitored so that it can't happen to any other children and hopefully given some help.

Look at Sexual Offences Act, Offences Against Children, section 6, 7, 8 under Child Defendant here to get an idea of what Crown Prosecution Service will do.

The Head will try to cover it up, it is bad press for the school, I am a teacher, trust me the Head does not have your child's best interests at heart. I know someone this happened to and the boy ended up being put back in the same school and class as the girl after only a short time off. None of the other parents at the school were informed despite the risk to their children.

Social Services are overun and know that ultimately no prosecution will come of it so they will pass the buck (they will also collude with the Head as being under the same Council they know that in fact you could sue the school for failing to protect your child and will act in the Council's financial interest).

You have nothing to lose from phoning the police and your daughter will know when she grows up that you did everything in your power to protect her and others from this boy. Make sure that if they put that boy back in the school that a) you remove your child and b) you tell as many parents as possible (they cannot stop you talking).

COCKadoodledooo · 29/03/2011 21:09

If your child was over the age of consent, and came to you and told you she'd been sexually assaulted, would you really sort it out by having a chat over a cup of tea with her attacker's mum?

PaperView · 29/03/2011 21:11

Wannabe i think people are entitled to Hmm at any poster they like regardless of how long they have or haven't been here.

I personally would not let it lie the way that you have Ripeberry given the previous (which i have not seen but would have been relevant to include in your OP). But then i would have rung SS and not had a cuppa with the headteacher and the other parent.