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Original poster

My daughter has been abused by another child

142 replies

Ripeberry · 29/03/2011 08:10

They are good friends or so I thought. DD1 is 8yrs old and her friend is a boy who is 10 months older. Last night my DD1 broke down crying all of a sudden and the only way I could get her to tell me what it was about was to ask her to 'draw' what was bothering her.

It was basically 'rape'. He has been threatening to beat her up if she told anyone and it's been going on for a few weeks unbeknown to me, but thinking back she has been quite moody/miserable Sad

I've banned him from coming anywhere near us (usually at our house everyday)
But I've got to tell his mum somehow, but I want her to get help from him, not know six bells out of him (USUAL SOLUTION!)

How would you approach the parent?

OP posts:
Hassled · 29/03/2011 13:46

Oh god you poor thing. And your poor DD. Definately don't talk to the family.

wannaBe · 29/03/2011 13:56

Op - you need to ring social services now. The police are powerless as he is below the age of criminal responsibility, but if he is being abused then the child protection team have the remit to put procedures into place in order that circumstances be investigated and the police become involved if they need to. bearing in mind that while it is of course possible that this child is being abused, we cannot know for certain - it may just be that he's seen his older brother and his gf at it iyswim and has acted it out, esp if he is from a fairly disfunctional family. He does clearly need help though.

Another thing is that you need to be careful not to talk to your dd about this any more. She needs to be interviewed by a professional trained in dealing with abuse, and the more you talk to her about it, the more likely it is that her story might change/you might inadvertently guide her into saying things that didn't happen, even though that might not be your intention. Equally if the boy comes round you mustn't mention any of this to him, although I understand your likely desire to rip his head off.

Original poster
Ripeberry · 29/03/2011 15:45

I rang the headmistress and she came over to my house straight away.
Whilst she was there I rang the SS and they basically said, due to their ages, they can't do anything unless the family of the boy don't take action.

Our headmistress is great and I felt that with her there I could talk to the mum of the boy and so I went and got her and we all had a sit down and talked about what to do.
The mum is very upset herself as she had no idea, but thinks she knows where it is coming from and will be speaking to him.

The school are keeping tabs on everything so I'm glad it's in the open and yes I AM hugging her tightly. She knows now that people are there to help. And thank you to you all.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/03/2011 15:48

What on earth does that mean? The family don't take action?

Are you serious? That's IT?

His mum will keep speak to him and the teacher will keep an eye on things?

And that's the end of that? FUcking hell.

Lulabellarama · 29/03/2011 15:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MissJanuary · 29/03/2011 15:56

You seem very calm and accepting of the SS not doing very much, whilst your daughter has been sexually abused.
I'm not sure I would be so calm and accepting.

So thats it??

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/03/2011 15:57

sounds all a bit odd to me.

IslaValargeone · 29/03/2011 15:57

Erm, I'm sorry but wtf?

Evilclown · 29/03/2011 16:01

No no no. That is just not right.

I would be contacting the police. Not the mother.

LIZS · 29/03/2011 16:01

I don't think the head can now not take action . The boy needs to be safeguarded as much as your dd . He may be below the legal age of culpability but that doesn't mean that action cannot or should not be taken. Police child protection team may become involved regardless.

VivaLeBeaver · 29/03/2011 16:02

I do know someone who had this happen to her dd, though her dd was younger at the time - about 6. The boy was a few years older.

It was reported to the police and taken seriously but the boy was never prosecuted. I think because of the age of the girl she wasn't a reliable witness. Sad Though to be honest I can't rememebr if the boy was under 10, I think maybe he was. I think the age of criminal responsibility is 10 so it may be this boy won't be prosecuted but please do report it.

Like others have said he may be being abused. And a talk from the police even if they can't do more could stop it happening to another girl.

I'm sorry your dd has gone through this. The police/social services will also be able to help her and advise about counselling.

ElleAndBump · 29/03/2011 16:02

wher does his mother think it 'coming from'???

BarbaraBar · 29/03/2011 16:03

Police. Now. You need a specialist to help you and your daughter, irrespective of the age of the boy.

If he was 16 and she was 15 would you just leave it for the school to deal with?

IslaValargeone · 29/03/2011 16:25

I'm just not getting this let's all have a sit down on a comfy sofa and chat about it, type vibe. The SS won't do anything, and the mum will be speaking to him? You cannot be serious.

BarbaraBar · 29/03/2011 16:29

And you are giving your daughter the message that this assault is on the same level as a punch on the arm in the playground.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/03/2011 16:33

Actually I think it's fine what has happened so far. From the school's point of view they now have to monitor the other child as he will need intervention. You may not know the outcome of that.

From your perspective once you have clarified there is to be no on-going investigation you can start to take moves to safeguard her. Making sure they don't spend time together alone, seeing if they can be in different classes at school. Therapy, yes - but ONLY if she is not going to be questioned again - that is really important. Also I would contact the NSPCC and see if they will offer some therapy - foster dd had a years worth with them after she was abused in care by a child the same age.

The child who abused her was removed from the care of the parents as there was so many things going on - none of which I know about fully - I only know the other child was removed into care because of a set of coincidences - not because I was informed.

It would be normal for you not hear any more about the other child. This does not necessarily mean it is being ignored, just that it is private and being investigated.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/03/2011 16:35

I think you have given a very clear message to your daughter that it is not acceptable and that it has been dealt with.

scurryfunge · 29/03/2011 16:38

BarabaraBar, not a very helpful comment. The OP has reported the incident to the right people.

upyourdiva · 29/03/2011 16:44

Ripeberry for the sake of your DD, the little boy and other innocent children you need to report this to the police and fight with SS if they fob you off again!

Did the mother explain where she thinks the boy has got this from?

SS should not have fobbed this off and I do not understand why the headmistress allowed you to invite the mother into your house for a meeting whilst she was there, unless she knows anything about child protection...

What have you told your DD? If you have just brushed it under the carpet then she is at serious risk of thinking that is what we do with these kind of things. Please for her sake fight with SS or the police to atleast look into this and deal with it properly.

That little boy got this from somewhere, best case sceanrio his brothers have been speaking about it worst case scenario it is happening to him, the fact taht he threatened her shows that he knows it is wrong and thinks that sexual activity is linked with violence WHY?

I am truly sorry for what you and your DD have gone through but I cannot comprehend someone who willingly sits and chats happily with the parent over a cup of tea then brushes it aside!

IslaValargeone · 29/03/2011 16:49

A woman she said she was scared of?

yoshysmum · 29/03/2011 16:56

This happened to my son when he was 5, another boy who was 9 put his fingers up ds bum. I caught him at it but when reported to social services they did nothing further as my son wouldnt talk to them.

The boys mother is my friend and she lives away from her ex even she thinks her son is being abused but as he wont tell nothing can be done.

BarbaraBar · 29/03/2011 17:01

Scurryfunge - IYO, she has reported it to the right people. IMO I think the OP should tell the police. I would be concerned that school would not have the right tools for dealing with such a serious situation. I was making the point that just because the daughter and the boy are young does not mean the police shouldn't be involved.

Good luck OP.

scurryfunge · 29/03/2011 17:05

The police would refer straight to social services, BarbaraBar.

southeastastra · 29/03/2011 17:16

i woulldn't be posting this all over the internet if i were the op, the facts seem hazy at best. anything could have happened.

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 18:55

police have no powers in this matter as both parties are below teh age of criminal responsibility.

Yes ss should be called in but there will be no car screachinga nd grabbing children into care.

What they have said is exactly right, so long as the boys parents take action to investigate the causes of this behaviour and prevent it from continuing then there is nothing more they can do.

For those getting all outraged, what precisely do you think should be done?
HE cannot be arrested, his parents cannot be arrested. SS aren't going to place him in care if he is otherwise well cared for.

OP you have done the right thing in discussing it with the relevant agencies.