Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

My daughter has been abused by another child

142 replies

Ripeberry · 29/03/2011 08:10

They are good friends or so I thought. DD1 is 8yrs old and her friend is a boy who is 10 months older. Last night my DD1 broke down crying all of a sudden and the only way I could get her to tell me what it was about was to ask her to 'draw' what was bothering her.

It was basically 'rape'. He has been threatening to beat her up if she told anyone and it's been going on for a few weeks unbeknown to me, but thinking back she has been quite moody/miserable

I've banned him from coming anywhere near us (usually at our house everyday)
But I've got to tell his mum somehow, but I want her to get help from him, not know six bells out of him (USUAL SOLUTION!)

How would you approach the parent?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 30/03/2011 21:01

Sassy, people are making assumptions that there is no intervention or support.Of course an investigation will be taking place....the OP is not in possession of the facts.

RubbishMammy · 30/03/2011 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamaz0n · 30/03/2011 21:18

Rm that is a terrible name! very much not the case at all. You did exactly the right thing and you handled it very well indeed.

No wonder you're feeling so torn. I expect it is very troubling for you.

RubbishMammy · 30/03/2011 21:24

I still feel dreadful about it - it is hard when doing the right thing for one child risks damaging your relationship with the other. And it has done. But, on a more positive note, my daughter DOES remember that I took action, even though the "consequences" were minimal. And I am sure the op's dd will remember too that her mum took her seriously and acted on the information.

AllSheepAreWhite · 30/03/2011 21:37

Cookcleaner did not say she/he wanted to attack the child, she said she would have wanted to, but would have called the police immediately. You as a parent are allowed to feel so angry that you may want to hurt the child who raped your child so long as you do not act on it. You are entitled to your feelings even though to act on them would go beyond the bounds of acceptable behaviour.

I do agree with the others though Cook that the child is likely the victim of abuse and although he should know right from wrong he should not be termed a 'disgusting little shit', we do not know what has happened to him for him to behave this way.

Scurry -

I do not agree that breaching confidentiality is wrong in a case where potentially hundreds of children are at risk from abuse at the hands of a child who has already raped a child from that school (if he is returned to said school). The 'system' is wrong to not inform parents that such an event has occurred at the school (without naming names) allowing parents to talk to their children about inappropriate touching and what to do. This child may have already done this to another child in that school and no-one would know without either that child being brave enough (as in the case of the OP's daughter) to tell someone or the informed parents bringing it to light through discussion with their children. The boy could be protected from this by moving him from the school/local area long before parents were informed.
The OP has stated that this has been happening for several weeks more than once in this thread and that it was basically rape that had occurred. So yes it was rape and happened more than once which makes it multiply.
I did not say that the child would definitely be placed back in the school I said 'if the boy was placed back in the school', which has happened before in several cases I know of where there has been either a rape or sexual assault by a child under the age of criminal responsibility.

It does however appear that I was wrong about one fact, that it happened at school which the OP later stated that it didn't. In which case the Head's approach is making a little more sense and it appears I may be wrong about a cover up other than not to inform parents (which I know is CP, but still I feel it is wrong personally). I still do not understand why the OP was encouraged to sit down in her own home with the mother of the perpetrator. Very poor advice from the Head. I would bet from her approach and SS that this boy was already known to them for CP issue and possible already under Child Safety Order. If SS do investigate then the boy will get support, but what support are they offering OP and her poor daughter the victim of this attack. It is all wrong.

RubbishMammy - you did the right thing given your situation, you weren't to know and you have done all you can to protect your children once you did know. Thank you for being willing to share what must have been a very difficult situation for you and your family.

scurryfunge · 30/03/2011 21:56

Allsheep...you are making assumptions about rape. There has been no rape as far as we know.
The incident has not happened at the school.
"Basic rape" is not rape.
Breaching confidentiality is wrong where you are making such assumptions without fact.
That is what is dangerous.

You need to detach personal feelings and deal with fact not emotions.

AllSheepAreWhite · 30/03/2011 22:04

Scurry - what is basically 'rape' then if not rape or at least sexual assault. I just said I was wrong in thinking it happened at school. I am not breaching confidentiality by saying that in order to enable the parents at the school to ensure that their children have not been harmed/will not be harmed that they should be informed, if that means breaching confidentiality then as a parent I am all for it. As a parent I will not detach personal feelings about such an emotive issue.

scurryfunge · 30/03/2011 22:08

You stated basic rape...I want to know what the definition is of that particular made up offence is.

Breaching confidentiality is wrong if it is only you that decides what is to be disclosed. As a teacher you are not in charge of any investigation so you have no say. If you decide to bypass protocol, then you are dangerous and stupid.

AllSheepAreWhite · 30/03/2011 22:16

The OP said basically 'rape' not me I am merely quoting the OP. The protocol stinks, I know I am not in charge of the investigation as a teacher and I have no say and neither do the parents who should have a say. Dangerous maybe , stupid I think not, if it means that the majority of children in the school are protected at the expense of one child then it would in my mind be the intelligent choice. I am off now as don't want to hijack OP's thread any longer. Ripeberry I wish you all the best, I hope you will post back to let us know how you and your daughter are getting on.

scurryfunge · 30/03/2011 22:23

Keep the pitchfork for late maybe, eh?

< helps Allsheep pack pitchfork in suitable bag on her way out and silently weeps for any child she may come into contact with>

NottsCounting · 30/03/2011 22:30

Ripeberry - could you come back and tell us if there have been any updates?

fit2drop · 30/03/2011 22:56

Maybe op sould read this. This is Leicester council however child protection services are covered in all councils.

www.leics.gov.uk/service.htm?initial=A&pid=266

and yes the school does have a duty of care

www.teachernet.gov.uk/wholeschool/familyandcommunity/childprotection/

wannaBe · 30/03/2011 23:22

cookcleanerchaufferetc you are spectacularly missing a signifficant point.

You say that a child sexually asalting a child is not normal, and generally, you are right. However, if a child is sexually abused all their life then to them, that is normal. If a child is beaten all their life then to them, that is normal.

You cannot judge the actions of others by your own definition of what is and isn't normal, because although to your children it isn't normal because you will have taught them that it isn't normal, if a child is being abused then what they are being taught is that it is perfectly normal.

And an eight year old is not evil.

RubbishMammy · 30/03/2011 23:35

nb - withdrew my message because I had accidentally put my child's name in there. Sorry.

Original poster

Ripeberry · 31/03/2011 12:44

I've not been back as some people were getting very heated on here. Things are being done. Both stories of the incident(s) have come out and he has admitted being forceful on her and ignoring her pleas to STOP!
I'm meeting the headmistress tomorrow to see what else is being done, but in the meantime, I'm just very glad that my DD found the courage to tell me about it and I hope that she realises that people are out there to help her and that she should NEVER be afraid to say no, kick and scream if she has to.
Even if that person is the best friend in the world to her.
She is a bit upset that he can't come over anymore, but we are going to give it a few weeks before he can visit us again and that will be under supervision where they will have to be in the same room as me.

Thank you for all your advise and especially those who PM's me.

OP posts:

homeboys · 31/03/2011 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ormirian · 31/03/2011 14:24

"fucking disgusting little shit"

Unbeleivable

ripeberry, I don't blame you for keeping away from this thread. It sounds to me as if you know what you are doing and are handling it in the way that best suits you and your girl. Good luck.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6