Why do you smack your child/nnot smack your child?

[NorthernGobshite]

I am interested because my parents have just spent weekend visiting us and dd (6) chose this weekend to be tired, grumpy and generally hard work.

My parents spent all weekend telling me that if we smacked her she would behave, if we don't smack her she will grow up to be uncontrollable etc etc, blah blah

We absolutely do not believe in smacking and I am interested why you do/don't smack.

I can see it happening because you are scared and lose it...I would rather it happened that way than it being my 'plan'.

I find smacking babies still in nappies pretty horrific tbh, gnome. That's what they are at that age- babies. They aren't purposefully naughty at such a young age, surely gentle guidance if they do something wrong would be preferable?

I find smacking babies still in nappies pretty horrific tbh, gnome. That's what they are at that age- babies. They aren't purposefully naughty at such a young age, surely gentle guidance if they do something wrong would be preferable?

Sorry for the double post-bloody phone

Sorry for the double post-bloody phone

UmYeahLikeTotally - not sure how you can gently guide a baby to not bite. A smack on the bum and being put down worked for us. When children are small they dont understand gentle reasoning or guidance. When small they understand like puppies IMO.

My DCs are now long past this age and all are gentle souls. We dont shout at them, they dont shout at us. At the age they are now I would never consider smacking them. It would be wholly inappropriate.

Discipline is always a tricky area to discuss and what seems normal to one seems weird to another.

I consider things like 'dont do that because it makes mummy sad' to be emotional blackmail which can be quite damaging. Leading to thinking in a child's mind such as 'mummy is sad I must have done something wrong'.

I'm going to just chip in re your last post Gnome and say I'm quite shocked at the the idea that people still think it's acceptable to "smack"/hit puppies as a form of training or discpline. I would inform the RSPCA if I saw someone doing that.

With a very young child what is wrong with a firm "No!" and removing them from the situation? If your theory is the child needs a sudden pain stimulus to link that their behaviour is inappropriate, then would you consider pinching the child, or twisting their ear, or even giving them a brief and non-damaging electric shock? Maybe far fetched at the end there, but the idea is the same. Somehow because there is a cultural acceptablity about applying force with your hand to the child in a smacking motion, it is somehow deemed okay. This is how some people rationalise force-feeding their child hot sauce or dishsoap for swearing.

Just from a professional point of view where I have a background connected with early years and childcare - if a nursery nurse or childminder smacked a baby or a child, they could be prosecuted. It's absolutely no tolerence - even as a "light tap".

BertieBotts Surely you just don't give them the chance to run into the road in the first place?

Oh I didn't realise it was that simple . . . so that's why so many children get run over every year . . . because there parents let them run in the road! (sense the sarcasm?)

Givemushypeasachance not talking about smacking a puppy but that when an animal is dealing with its young it doesnt reason with them but will administer a cuff.

I'm not quite sure what the difference there is to a small child of a sharply uttered 'no' and a light smack. Both are intended to shock the child slightly and distract it forcefully from what it is doing.

As I have posted before upstream, it is a question of balance. This is a difficult subject to discuss because there is always so much opportunity to misunderstand what another has written (eg my puppy comment).

I still don't quite follow. You can never "reason with" as in talk through an issue with an animal of any age - although they might sense your emotional state from your tone of voice. When wild dogs have a dispute that threat postures can't solve they go for each other's throats - not exactly a great parenting strategy to adopt! But that is quite digressing from the point being discussed.

A firm no doesn't have to be to the level of shocking/scaring as a smack would - if we're talking about a biting or toy snatching incident, are you really aiming to scare the child or reinforce with a firm "no" as you take them away from the other child or take the toy from them and return it? A shouted no might be necessary if you are on the other side of the room and they're reaching for the saucepan of boiling water, just to try to stop them from hurting themselves, but if this is an explaination of sharing and being kind (not snatching/biting) then why would you want to shock them into learning that?

As I said, so many opportunities for misunderstanding.

None of my DCs bit me (or DH) more than once. Biting is one of the few things that a very small child can do which is as bad as an adult can do - those little sharp teeth!

Mine were certainly not biters when toddlers though all three did suffer at the teeth of others. Our experience was that biters bite because they are allowed to get away with it. IME telling a confirmed biter about biting not being kind seldom seems to work when a child has learned that biting gets him/her what they want instantly.

I dont advocate smacking as the only form of discipline or even as the main discipline measure. For us it was always a last resort.

I hope that if/when my DCs have children of their own I will have the good manners to leave them to work out their own way to maintain discipline.

Grew up in a non-smacking culture, so not much discussion for us. To smack mine would be to admit that I couldn't handle discipline as well as my the people who brought me up. And I'm not going to admit that As I remember it, adults in those days were quite impressive people: they rarely shouted, punished infrequently and never smacked, but you did have to obey them.

I am not quite as impressive as my parents, but I still found removing a young child from a situation worked just as well without smacking.

I don't smack for several reasons.

My parents used to as a punishment. Since becoming an adult my mother has expressed regret about this and apologized. This made a real impression on me.

Also I taught before having children. I would never have considered smacking then, and I had many effective ways to manage my pupils' behaviour. One thing I did notice over the years was that I could tell which children were punished physically at home. They were the ones who couldn't control their own behaviour (they needed constant direction from an adult), and they were the ones who flinched. There may have been children who didn't stand out in this way, but the ones who did, did.

Anyway, I don't see it as a necessary parenting tool at all.

For us, we smacked as a last resort and when the DCs were of an age that reason wouldnt work - ie pre-school age.

On the rare occasions when it was done it was to get the childs attention back immediately onto the parent and what the parent was saying/doing whatever. The smack wasnt intended to hurt but to physically get the child's attention. This can be done vocally but that doesnt always work if there is already too much noise going on. Removing the child from the situation is also not always an option.

I think that the hardest lesson children have to learn is later when they are capable of being reasoned with and a smack is no longer an option. This is the stage at which sometimes 'sorry' isnt going to be enough. I can recall the occasions when this happened for all of my DCs and I am pretty sure that each time my DCs would have preferred a smack and the whole thing forgotten about than to have to face the full wrath of a justifiably angry parent. These times were few and far between and were to do with the DC having done damage wilfully knowing that it was wrong.

Providing a disciplined environment for children is always going to be emotive and subjective. So long as we are each happy with what we are doing and our children are happy and feel secure then we are probably doing the right thing - whatever our own right thing is.

Gnome: I must be misunderstanding your words because you initially said that you smacked your children when they bit you the first (and only) time. Your latest post suggests that it was a last resort. I don't understand how both statements can be true.

I think there's a danger as with anything of seeing the opposite example as a straw man argument. I doubt that most parents who smack would just literally smack and leave it at that, with no explanation, no helping the child to manage the situation better, just literally leaving them to it apart from the immediate "deterrent" - we all use a variety of methods I'm sure. And as I said before I don't necessarily think that a smack of reasonable force and in certain situations is any more damaging than another punishment - many of the arguments against smacking can be used against other punishment based methods as a whole. I do object to the punishment "culture" and this idea that you MUST provide a negative outcome every single time a child makes a mistake, because in some cases it's enough to explain, or show them how their actions have made someone feel, or show/tell them what you want them to do rather than just straight away punishing if they do something you don't want.

Some of my comments about running across a road were flippant, sure - and of course there will be situations where children escape your control before they have the mental capacity to work out whether or not it's safe first, all I was saying is minimise this and deal with it when they are old enough and have the mental capacity to understand. Which I probably didn't need to say as it's common sense, so sorry if I annoyed anyone with that particular example.

OmicronPersei8 One thing I did notice over the years was that I could tell which children were punished physically at home. They were the ones who couldn't control their own behaviour (they needed constant direction from an adult), and they were the ones who flinched.

Blimey!

I think it's safe to gay that they were children whose parents used a smack as more than a last resort. They were always disciplined by being hit or threatened with it.

It certainly put me off raising a hand to a child, ever.

*say, not gay. Bloody sausage fingers.

OP, I used to get that from my dad a lot. I made it very clear it is NOT going to happen and he stopped bothering me.
I use the naughty step at home, my dad saw it work well with DS so he's now quiet as a mouse (and pretends smacking me and beating my brother when we were childern never happened )

Oh and it terms of why - could go on and on about it, but bottom line - I just can't, it doesn't feel right.

Cadmum when it came to being bitten by my DCs, they got one go. The instant result was a light smack on the bum, a strongly uttered 'no' and being put down. The smack was both first and last resort in that circusmstance. All my DCs got their teeth late, gumming their way through their first birthday cake so we are not talking about tiny babies here.

My apologies for not making that perfectly clear. My posts are generally long and tedious so I was trying to be concise.

None of my DCs were biters as toddlers though as I postered earlier did suffer at the teeth of those who had not learned that this was not appropriate. Biting is a habit some toddlers get into because they learn that it gets them what they want instantly.

Other than for biting I cant remember any other specific instances where we did have to resort to a light smack. I think that this was because it was something we seldom did but was entirely appropriate at the time.

On the other hand it could be because my DCs are now in or entering their teens and I just cant remember that well.

None of my DCs are now violent in their speech or behaviour. All three express their views without fear and have no discipline problems at school.

If I had my time again I dont think I would do things differently.

We lived for the early years of our DCs lives in the Netherlands where we saw many small children who were allowed to behave unchecked by parental discipline. This made their own and their parents lives miserable at times. DCs kicking and hitting their own parents when told to put on shoes after a play date. These DCs only came across discipline when they started school.