Why do you smack your child/nnot smack your child?

[NorthernGobshite]

I am interested because my parents have just spent weekend visiting us and dd (6) chose this weekend to be tired, grumpy and generally hard work.

My parents spent all weekend telling me that if we smacked her she would behave, if we don't smack her she will grow up to be uncontrollable etc etc, blah blah

We absolutely do not believe in smacking and I am interested why you do/don't smack.

I don't smack my children as they would feel humiliated, confused and in pain.
I was raised during the 60s when it was seen as 'acceptable' for some to hit their children. Some teachers even hit their pupils.
I hated being hit and would never inflict that misery on my children.

I have smacked occasionally (possibly once every other month for a while). Because I have actually done it, it actually works best when kept as a threat, which I use very sparingly (e.g. when someone takes off the seatbelt).

I got the very occasional smack as a child, and don't ever recall feeling that it was anything but a punishment. I certainly didn't consider it violence. I doubt it encouraged me to hit other people because I never did, except as a part of the usual sibling rough and tumble.

Any sanction can be misused. There is something far more Dickensian about a child confined to a room, for example.

I'm interested that a 63 year old would be of the 'generation that definitely smacked'. My Mum's almost sixty, I was born in '78 and AP theories were really catching on by then. Weren't the seventies quite a gentle time to be raising children?

Anyway, I wasn't smacked, I won't smack. But I find spidookly's posts on this really interesting; we do, as adults, use our physical size to discipline children even if we don't inflict pain. I have to hold my toddler down to effect nappy changes, or administer medicine, and that feels awful to me and is probably physically uncomfortable for her, but it's done lovingly. Sometimes it's not done quite as lovingly; during the worst tantrums, I've had to use a fair amount of strength to get her into her car seat, and although I don't intend to hurt her, I'm still bringing superior force to bear to get her to do something she doesn't want to do, you know?

So is the difference the pain? A short smack, of the sort some people have described, is going to fade very quickly. Is the difference because the pain is the point, not a side effect? But all discipline is aimed at causing discomfort to the child, physical or emotional, yes?

I don't know. I know I won't smack, and currently I don't use any 'punishment' like time-out or whatever, but I do think it's an odd balance. The reason it's different from a husband hitting a wife is, I guess, because the nature of parenting means that you have to do physical things against their wills when they're little, so that dynamic is already set up and to a lot of people it seems like an extension of that, to smack.

I won't intentionally cause my child pain, though, it just comes down to that, to me. And also, I guess, there's an element of wanting something in reserve. I only shout if there's something massively important she needs to hear - like, don't run onto a road - because if I shouted a lot, she wouldn't get the distinction between 'that was naughty' and 'that was life threatening'. Same with smacking. If they still don't listen, where do you have to go from there?

Immediate withdrawal of privileges is probably more effective but not always practical and I don't think delayed punishments really work.

i.e. If they misbehave on Monday, they're not going swimming on (e.g.) Saturday. By Saturday the impact's been lost.

I got smacked a fair bit I think but usually for fairly major transgressions and always after a warning. I'd definitely rather have been whacked than suffer room confinement/ grounding etc. At least it's over quickly.

DH got slippered/caned at boarding school. It hasn't really had any lasting effects.

I think people worry too much about it. So long as you're not battering your kids for every little thing it's unlikely to condemn them to a life of therapy.

Dj and I have never smacked our dc (oldest is 13, youngest is 4). We made this decision based on the fact that we want our children to be able to communicate in a socially acceptable manner and lashing out physically is never an option. There are legal (and natural) consequences if anyone smacks another person unless it is within a parent child relationship. I don't want my dcs to think that it is ever appropriate to hit anyone so I set the example by choosing to communicate verbally.

Both dh and I were smacked as children. He doesn't think that it significantly altered his behaviour or the choices he made. I think that it may be the discipline method that was the least harmful as the physical 'sting' of a slap wears off but the damage done by the things that my mother said to and about me have had a lasting effect.

I fail to comprehend how spanking might be applied to the situation you describe. Do you parents genuinely believe that your dd would behave more happily following a smack? As for the issue of control: I believe that children should learn self-control by understanding the reasons for acceptable behaviour rather than being controlled by a disciplinarian. There are far too many examples in today's society of what happens when there is a lack of self-control...

Dh even

I hardly ever smack my DD. But I have, very occasionally, when she has been really dreadful. And she stopped, immediately.

"Smacking" is not "lashing out", by the way. One short, firm, controlled smack on the bottom when all other courses of action have failed is quite different to a parent losing control and hitting randomly.

I was smacked on a regular basis as a child, often with implements (wooden spoon, shoe etc) It enraged me.
I don't smack children as a teacher, so it never occurred to me that smacking was a choice I'd make as a parent.
Mine are teenagers now, and lovely.

I have never smacked my ds. It never occured to me to do so.

I was smacked by my father. The last time being at the age of 17 in public. How humiliating was that. I was always frightened of my father and as a previous poster has said it leads to secrecy.

It certainly affected my relationship with my father really badly. Since he died it has taken a long time to get everything into perspective. I am sure that he was reguarly smacked as a boy and was just applying the only parenting he knew.

My mother always used to comment to me that I was much more patient than her as a mother. I suspect that that was also a factor. Although it was always my father who actually smacked.

I never wanted my son to experience all that. Also as I was a single parent, I used to think how frightening it would be to be hit by the only parent you've got.

Bonsoir, I am with you on this one.

I think that I have smacked my DC maybe about once a year on average, only when they were REALLY out of control.

For example when DC2 had picked up the f word from a "charming" kid at school, used it in anger and started to throw ornaments to try and break them. He was 5 at the time. Would not go to his room for time out, was hell bent on destruction, and I just ended up giving him a smack on the bottom. I was actually quite calm.

It did work.

Like I say, it's rare for me to do but it is an emergency action in my case.

I guess lots of people feel it's a slippery slope from one smack on the bum, to a slap in the face, knocking heads together or other horror stories....

No never.

As others have said, I was smacked as a child and I still resent it. I do also feel that the relationship I have with my parents is affected by it.

My feeling is that a child that is loved, secure and given clear boundaries from the does not need to be smacked.

Genuine questions:

1. What if 'all other courses of action have failed' when you are dealing with an adult?

1. How does a child who is smacked learn to control their own impulse to strike someone who is upsetting them and not listening to their verbal requests?

I have used physical restraint on my own children, holding and blocking.
With another adult?
You use logic, or accept defeat and walk away. You can't do that with a dependent child, so I'm not anti-smacking as such. I just didn't use it with mine, other strategies worked for me.
I am anti hitting in rage, repeated slaps or with an object

Hope you can work this out. The only advice I can give is to try to be careful about the things that trigger a bad mood in your DD whhen your parents are around I.e. Overexcitement, lack of sleep, hunger, eating challenging food etc...(actually, come to think of it it is important to make sure both grandparents and children are fed and not grumbling through hunger)

It is stressful but I find the only way to keep the peace between my kids and my mum is to walk on eggshells like this a bit, and also to sepperate them (eg go to the park on our own etc...) if things look likely to melt down.

My mum doesn't smack, but she does look on an ordinary tantrum or grumpiness as a sign my kids are out of control and heading for borstal. Her comments only escalate the situation.

I was smacked just once as a child, but I remember it and I was five at the time. I also remember worrying then each time I was naughty that I'd be smacked again although I never was because I assume my dad regretted it.I never wanted my children to have that same worry and so haven't ever smacked.
My dd now eight remembers her one session on the naughty step when she was five though and reminds me of it frequently so I won't be using that again.

I don't smack because, to me, smacking is about parental frustration and loss of control.

I was smacked as a child. My mum would slap me across the face. If she was in a bad mood and I was 'naughty', she would slap me. If she was in a good mood and I did the exact same thing, she would laugh. Hitting me had nothing to do with discipline and everything to do with lashing out just because she could.

My dad rarely hit me, but when he did it was frightening. He once hit me with his belt.

I do not believe that you have the right to hit your child, any more than you have the right to hit a stranger in the street.

I am human though. And I have hit my eldest son twice. Once when he was a baby and I had raging PND, to the point of psychosis. I slapped his little leg because he wouldn't stop wriggling when I was trying to change his nappy. I hate myself for that. The other time when he was older and, once again, crippled by my own frustration and my failure to be able to get through to him, I slapped him. he hit me back and I don't blame him. I had no right to lay a hand on him.

Apart from those two shameful incidents, I have never raised a hand to my kids. My Husband never ever has.

I remember how I used to flinch when my dad made a sudden movement and how I used to be scared of my mum and of making her angry.

There's no WAY I'm going to see my child flinch from me.

NorthernGobshite - my parents are exactly the same. My father once actually said "how do you expect him to learn if you don't smack him?" and wants to explain his array of theories about what's up with my children and how I could fix it (presumably by smacking but I've never taken him up on his kind offer of sharing his "wisdom".) They have finally accepted that this is the way we do things and I guess they have resigned themselves to my family going to hell in a handcart.

I was smacked as a child and it did me a lot of harm.

It's just an illogical thing to do, how can you show your child that when someone doesn't do what you want, you hit them, and then complain when they do the same to others?

Someone once said if you saw an elderly confused person about to wander out into the road, would you run up and smack them? It's exactly the same thing IMHO...

I have more understanding of people who lose it and lash out in anger tbh but the cool headed decision to choose smacking as a discipline method really leaves me cold. Anyone else?

I don't smack as don't ever feel the need to. Smacked DS1 once and was mortified. I was smacked by both my parents and remeber always being on edge in case something set me off.
It left me with a fear of challenging authority , in fact a fear of challenging anyone, which thankfully I have overcome. My mum seems to have forgotten all this and to speak to her now she was the perfect Parent.
I don't hold it against her though as she prob thought she was doing her best at the time.

'It left me with a fear of challenging authority , in fact a fear of challenging anyone,' sixtyfootdol

I identify with that totally. I also always assume I am in the wrong, even if I do not admit it, deepdown I always think that I am to blame.

It is all really deepseated stuff.

I also agree with the fear of authority stuff

asd - totally agree. I think, frankly, that being proud you smack in in 'calm' way not i anger is bonkers. You're saying, you're not even angry - you don't even have that excuse, which the child can see makes you less rational - and you still decided the best use of your parenting skills is to administer pain. Nice.

My dad was like this and as I've said, it gives me the shudders. I can't forget the controlled look on his face and the way he would hold our wrists and pause for a minute as if he was judging how hard to hit. Sorry, it is really nasty and you can imply that I'm a stupid oversensitive person all you like (nice posts from people about smacking never putting kids in therapy, did me no harm, etc.). But surely if even a few kids end up with horrible memories of this sort of punishment, it's not worth it. You wouldn't say, 'hmm, most children have large enough lungs for me to hold them under water for two minutes without drowning; I'll try it with all of them'. So why try smacking just because you think it won't damage 'most' kids?

Totally agree, asd and LittleRedDragon.