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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Why do you smack your child/nnot smack your child?

172 replies

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 15:56

I am interested because my parents have just spent weekend visiting us and dd (6) chose this weekend to be tired, grumpy and generally hard work.

My parents spent all weekend telling me that if we smacked her she would behave, if we don't smack her she will grow up to be uncontrollable etc etc, blah blah

We absolutely do not believe in smacking and I am interested why you do/don't smack.

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hairymelons · 20/02/2011 19:55

We don't use smacking...and I hope I can 1) keep my temper and 2) not run out of ideas so I don't end up doing so.

I was smacked and shouted at a lot as a child. She doesn't know this, and I will never tell them as she would be gutted, but I was terrified of my mum as a child. I still remember how it felt to be smacked, not physically but emotionally. It felt like she was retracting her love because how could she possibly love me and do that to me?

BertieBotts, what you said really rings true. I'm pathetic. And I don't trust anyone, not even DH.

hairymelons · 20/02/2011 19:59

Would anyone that does smack agree that you do so because you've run out of better ideas?

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 20:00

Good question hairy. I think people who do smack often try to justify it, but to me, it is a loss of temper, of control.

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BertieBotts · 20/02/2011 20:01

But it's still a non argument. Smacking does work in the short term - much as the naughty step or removing privileges does. Unless the child understands why what they have done is wrong though, nothing is going to work indefinitely. Purely punishment-based methods don't teach children not to misbehave, they just teach them not to get caught.

When they say "It teaches them a lesson" though, what they really mean is "I'm taking this personally; I've suffered, I want my child to suffer too so we're even." - in other words, it's revenge

IMO the lesson you should be teaching your child is why not to do the thing again, and what to do in that situation e.g. if they are frustrated. Not just that if they get caught doing X they'll get hit (or whatever). That doesn't teach them anything IMO.

hairymelons · 20/02/2011 20:02

That's how it always felt to me, Northern. In fact I remember my mum cuddling me and apologising afterwards once and me just not believing her that she was sorry.

Whelk · 20/02/2011 20:02

I have never hit my dcs. Frankly the thought makes me feel sick.
I have never hit anyone in my adult life and I teach my dds never to hit.

JaneS · 20/02/2011 20:02

Thanks for starting this thread, I know it'll be useful to me later on (my parents are very pro-smacking and have commented with respect to my brother, whose wife is expecting a baby, that they would expect to use smacking as discipline if the child were staying with them ).

My parents smacked us and I don't think it was helpful at all. I actually disagree that smacking would be ok if not done in anger. My dad occasionally did a very good impression of being sad not angry, and telling us he had to punish us for our own good, then smacking us. It was horrible. It effectively said to me, 'I am deciding rationally to hurt you, because you are so bad that it is the rational course of action for me to punish you like this'. Completely different from smacking in angry, which isn't good either, but I found it very chilling. I actually shuddered at the memories writing this.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 20:07

littlered, you're welcome. Its been really interesting and cathartic actually.
My parents want dd to stay with them in the school hols which we are not happy with and will try to avoid. dh rightly said if there is a risk they will smack her she cannot stay there.

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Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 20:08

littlered, my dad always did it in anger, sheer red faced rage. it was terrifying.
I don't know which is worse. Your experience sounds awful x

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findingthepath · 20/02/2011 20:09

NorthernGobshite Sun 20-Feb-11 19:51:37

findingthepath, I find it very upsetting when I see mothers smacking their children really hard and with each whack saying "we (whack) don't (whack) hit (whack) other (whack) people". How do they not see the sickening irony?

Because they are thick to be smacking their child in the first place?

I was beaten up by my mum, dad and brother when i was a child. I had my mum hold me with one hand and smack me with the other while shouting "I'll give you something to cry about". My dad and brother giving me dead legs or arms, bruses and worse because "I desvered it"

No adult will ever smack, hit or hurt my son.

hairymelons · 20/02/2011 20:09

Bertie, I fight the urge to make my son suffer because I feel personally aggrieved by his actions all the time. He's 2 and I'm 32, so I think it's my job to rise above it. But, if I'm honest, the temptation to lash out is there under the surface. I fear that one day I will.

JaneS · 20/02/2011 20:10

That's sad. Do you have a sense of how you might deal with it? (I'm just being nosy here, thinking ahead a bit too.) Will you tell them why she's not staying with them, or will you ask them if they'll agree not to smack her if she's with them?

It's oddly reassuring to know my parents aren't the only ones who're acting like this - and that other people don't just expect to let them do their own thing with parenting methods.

Whelk · 20/02/2011 20:11

I think you and your dh are right not to allow your dd to stay with them if there is a risk they would smack her.
And actually they should not be undermining your parenting anyway.

I am really shocked that anyone would think smacking their dcs is ok. What happens when they smack a friend?
You have made it an acceptable thing to do to someone when they annoy them.

QuickLookBusy · 20/02/2011 20:11

Bertie I am just trying to say that I don't think smacking works, in the long term. I am probably not putting my thought down very well.

I hate the thought of a child being smacked and it makes me feel sick when I see a child being smacked.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 20:11

When I said I didn't think smacking taught anything my dad responded by saying "it'll make you feel better though"!! How can anyone think that?

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JaneS · 20/02/2011 20:12

Btw, northern, to be fair to my dad I don't think he intended it to be terrifying. He always thought he was a much better parent than my mum, who lost her temper in a differernt way.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 20:13

littlered, its a difficult one as I do not want to sever ties with parents as our relationship has changed and improved over the years BUT at the same time my father is still a very confrontational man who will never admit to being wrong so we will try to avoid her going to stay rather than outright tell them.

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JaneS · 20/02/2011 20:15

I understand. I hope it works out ok for you.

BertieBotts · 20/02/2011 20:23

I agree with you QLB :) I just don't think that it not working the first time is a particularly good argument against it.

I'm pretty sure XP will smack DS when he's older. I don't know whether he has started already. My boyfriend made an offhand comment the other day (not to DS - to his parents, but DS was in the room) in a jokingly aggrieved tone "I used to get a slap if I did X!" and DS looked up with a split second look of fear on his face :( So he's heard it threatened, at least, somewhere, and it wasn't from me or his CM. I hate the thought of it, it makes me feel sick, but it's not illegal and XP is DS' father - he's perfectly entitled to smack him if he wants to and I can't protect him from that :( How do I explain that to him if he asks when he's older?

WriterofDreams · 20/02/2011 20:25

In my experience if someone invades your personal space in an aggressive way it really really shakes you and stays in your memory. For example if someone gives you a gentle push to make a point it can make you feel quite shaky and angry. If something so small from a stranger can have that effect imagine the effect of a deliberate hit, no matter how light, from someone you completely depend on for everything, from someone you trust and rely on, someone you can't get away from.

Again if a poster came on here and said her DH had slapped her no one would ask how hard it was because that would be irrelevant.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 20:26

bertie, thats a really difficult situation and I feel for you. Thankfully me and dh agree on not smacking. It would be so hard if we didn't.

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Junebugjr · 20/02/2011 20:26

I dont agree with smacking, although I have lashed out once, and immediately felt sick about it. It was nothing to do with punishment, or teaching DD that something was wrong, it was just a complete loss of temper on my part. It did bog all to improve DD's behaviour either.

I dont think it can ever be used as a discipline technique, as its usually done in anger. Horrible for child and parent.

JaneS · 20/02/2011 20:30

I'd never thought of it like that writer but I think you're spot on.

ridingthewave · 20/02/2011 20:47

There have been many times when I have felt like smacking my DS. This has been when I have felt totally out of control and felt the urge to 'dominate' him somehow.

But because I know how it feels to be smacked as a child - humiliated, powerless and scared - I will NEVER smack either of my DCs. As an adult I still hold deep resentment towards my parents for smacking me - I have never said this to them but I believe it has created a distance between us. They did not treat me as an individual with feelings and a voice to be heard and instead used smacking to suppress me.

It's a lazy and ineffective form of discipine. Yep, your kids drive you mad and you'd like them to do what you want but at the end of the day considering their agenda and listening to them will lead to a much better place.

Sorry, this is not mean to sound judgemental but it's my feelings about what happened to me, something I feel very strong about.

WriterofDreams · 20/02/2011 20:52

IMO smacking is like name calling - it's just a step too far. It hurts the other person in a sudden and sharp way and leaves them feeling unsure and upset. It's totally unnecessary and ineffective. TBH the idea of "controlled smacking" is somehow worse, in the sense that the child can clearly see you are rationally deciding to hurt them. If a DH was saying "If you don't do what I want I'll hit you" it would be just as bad as if he actually hit his wife, wouldn't it?

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