Why do you smack your child/nnot smack your child?

[NorthernGobshite]

I am interested because my parents have just spent weekend visiting us and dd (6) chose this weekend to be tired, grumpy and generally hard work.

My parents spent all weekend telling me that if we smacked her she would behave, if we don't smack her she will grow up to be uncontrollable etc etc, blah blah

We absolutely do not believe in smacking and I am interested why you do/don't smack.

The naughty step works best for us. They have been threatened with a smacked bottom on occasion, but I've never actually followed through on it. I just think that having to sit in the boring old hallway on their own while all the fun goes on in the other room is a better punishment. Also gives them a chance to cool down and gather their thoughts, which a smack would definitely not do.

I was smacked as a child, not often or hard, and it made absolutely no difference to my behaviour. The only thing I used to get smacked for was fighting with my brother, so it's probably unsurprising as I was getting mixed messages. It didn't scar me though - my parents and I get on just great - but I think if the naughty step had been invented back then it would have saved them a lot of bother!

Northerngobshite - the GPs told you to smack them in front of dd? That's a bit weird of them IMO.

I would ask them seriously not to talk about discipline issues in front of your DD, because apart from anything else, it undermines you. Make it clear you're happy to discuss it out of earshot though if you are.

You could speak to DD about how people used to smack, and say things like how they used to use the cane in schools, keep it theoretical, I remember learning these things and it didn't frighten or upset me because I knew it wasn't going to happen to me. Tell her that now we have the internet and lots of books and magazines and TV and different media, people are better able to share ideas and so we have been able to talk about things like this and come up with better ideas, and how it's good to be open minded and listen to new ideas, but some people are stuck in their ways and don't want to. Then maybe talk to her about what happens when she is naughty and use it as an opportunity to find out how she feels about the discipline methods you use in your house and whether she thinks they are fair, because I think that is important - what people are saying about this is that they didn't feel it was fair when they were smacked and they wouldn't want their children to feel the same way.

We had that discussion a few weeks ago. My mother in law said that she used to smack my husband 'nearly every day' (!!!!) and my husband's answer was 'well it wasn't working then if you had to do it so often!'

We decided not to smack our children, but I have to admit that I have smacked my oldest son twice. Once when he ran for in the road when he was three I smacked him on the bottom. Yes I lost my temper, my blood went cold, I was very scared and didn't want him to do it ever again. The other time is when he reached for a pan on the stove - I always tell him not to go close to the stove and he just reached up for the pan, I smacked him on the hand. He cried but never did it again.

We were not smacked as children but my mum used to shout a lot, swear, and be very agressive in her attitude. My biggest fear is to become like her and I do everything that I can not to shout at my kids. I used to be scared of her even if she wouldn't smack us.

Actually come to think of it my mum used to smack my middle sister, but not me or my oldest sister.

I have smacked (occasionally) my now ten year old DS in the past and it was purely because I 'lost control' (I am not proud of this ) - I will say however that it made absolutely no difference to his behaviour.

It IS a generation thing as my parents always go on about 'children having no discipline these days', 'they need a good slap'. I can't remember whether or not I was smacked as a child - probably not as I was a goody-goody - however I always remember my DM saying to m DB - tidy your room or you'll have a smack - he replied that he would rather have the smack and pulled his shorts down .

I am quite vehemently anti-smacking and have had similar comments from my parents as you, OP.

I was smacked as a child and think it achieved nothing, except to make me quite wary of my parents, not something I want to engender in my child.

I also spend quite a lot of time trying to persuade DS to be gentle, not to hit etc, and I think, in that context, hitting him would just be a really stupid thing to do. All I would be proving is that it's ok to hit as long as the other party is smaller/weaker, which is the opposite of what I am trying to teach him.

reallytired, she didn't really do anything. Just wasn't listening (a problem most of time at moment) and was very grumpy at park (mainly due to being exhausted).

Oh yes and I didn't share my reasons. Actually I don't think smacking is particularly any worse than any other punishment, apart from the teaching not to hit thing, that's true and makes sense. I don't smack DS because I think it's too quick and too immediate and too easy - if I used it for the big things I think I'd get lazy and start using it for every little thing, which defeats the point really and would probably render it something he didn't care about. So I'd rather not have a system and think every incident through as it happens, as it requires me to think a bit more about it which takes time so I have time to be more measured. If that makes any sense!

I dealt with it by ignoring it mostly, and on one occasion of particular grumpiness sent her to her room on our return and she was upstairs for 5 minutes, then came down of her own accord and apologised. Which is what I would hope would happen!

My dad just keeps saying 'stop using child psychology and trying to be so liberal' grrrr.

I think it is BertieBotts - smacking teaches children they don't have automony over their own bodies. Not a good lesson to teach.

Hmm - let me guess he was born before the 60s

clairefromsteps, they are a bit wierd. My dad was an awful bully when i was a child. he still is to some extent but now i ignore it. He controls my mum. My mum expects my dd to be perfectly behaved ALL the time and won't accept that sometimes children are just horrid.

i dont smack.

as a child i was smacked and each and every time it was when my mum lost her temper.

i have a temper so i know that if smacking was something i justified as discipline i would use it for the wrong reasons.

i don't think losing control is a valid form of discipline. it teaches your child nothing otehr than how to throw their weight about when they are in bad form. so i dont do it.

bertie, he's 63 years old. SO def of generation that smacked. Plus has personality where thinks he is ALWAYS right. They also think they were fantstic parents. They weren't.
I told him at the park he was undermining me. They swing from 'she needs smacked' to 'oh stop moaning at her' when I tell her off for something!!!! Aaagggggghhhhh. They are very critical.

My mum and her twin brother used to have their heads banged together or if only one had been naughty they would have their heads banged up the wall by their parents, my grandparents. My mum doesnt speak to them now. She is only 46 as well, it was the 70's.

Lordy - we didn't get the solo head banging. Only brushes broken over our heads if we moved, and smacking by wooden spoon. Later degenerated into more generalised daily violence. As I said, my mother has apologised a lot, and I know how the stresses of her life led to this.

dd adores them too which makes it more frustrating!

In many other ways they are very caring, and help us out financially a lot. They both have control issues, i think thats the problem.

I do not hit my children because, as I so often remind my 2yo, "in our family we do not hit".

I was smacked as a child but the only time I felt utterly humiliated was when I was sent to my room which only ever happened once as far as i remember. Probably why I rarely used that with my children but I did smack and don't regret it at all.

I am quite an old MN-er- and my parents are older than yours, OP, but I wasn't smacked, nor were the majority of my school friends. Smacking may have been more common a generation ago, but there were plenty of people then who managed with alternative means. I don't really remember my mother doing anything much except telling is vey directly and crossly if we had done something wrong, and I do the same. Have never instigated a 'punishment' system like naughty step.

Your parents need to be er..helped to understand that you are now a grown-up and can make your own decisions, and that your dd is yours and they should not be undermning your parenting. I would have been very angry at repeated criticising like that!

I'm hiding this thread now. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that people like dizzyblonde don't regret hitting their children. Awful.

I've never thought of it like that, earwicga.. I guess I haven't given much thought to the rights and wrongs of it because I'd already decided I wasn't going to do it.

thinking back. there was always the threat of a smack hanging over us as children. it made me scared of my parents. children shouldn't be scared of their parents.

I don't ever plan to smack my children. The only time my mother ever smacked me and my sisters was when she had completely lost her cool and it was so scary. In fact I still remember one incident where she hit me and my older sister very hard with a wooden spoon clearly and it was terrible, to me it feels the same as an assault might feel as an adult. I never want those feelings of fear and hatred associated with me. The memory of that alone and how bad it makes me feel over 20 years later is enough to convince me that smacking is going too far.

If a poster comes on here and says her DH hits her everyone says get out and don't put with it, so why should a child put up with their parent hitting them?