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Original poster

Why do you smack your child/nnot smack your child?

172 replies

NorthernGobshite · 20/02/2011 15:56

I am interested because my parents have just spent weekend visiting us and dd (6) chose this weekend to be tired, grumpy and generally hard work.

My parents spent all weekend telling me that if we smacked her she would behave, if we don't smack her she will grow up to be uncontrollable etc etc, blah blah Angry

We absolutely do not believe in smacking and I am interested why you do/don't smack.

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HerBeX · 21/02/2011 11:58

Well I always feel a bit suspicious about the argument that goes: "being smacked never did me any harm".

How d'you know?

JaneS · 21/02/2011 12:03

Good point HerB. Mind you, you could equally well ask those of us who say smacking did harm us how we know it was the smacking that did the harm.

JaneS · 21/02/2011 12:04

(Sorry, HerBex. Have you had that namechange for a while and I've only just noticed?)

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 12:06

Yes Smile

JaneS · 21/02/2011 12:07

Oops! Blush I'm rubbish at reading past the first few letters of names.

lightwind · 21/02/2011 12:45

I don't smack - don't feel its fair. I do believe in discipline, though; we do a version of the naughty corner, where my ds, now 3, has to 'think about what he's done' and then has to apologise. More recently bad behaviour results in witholding favourite toys or other privileges (TV etc)- action and consequences (we also reward good behaviour). On occasion I have physically restrained my son when he tries to bite/scratch/kick/hit me. Restraint = holding his wrists in my hands until he calms down. I don't really like doing this as I suppose its a form of using my greater physical strength, but I only do it when he is physically aggressive towards me, or point-blank refuses to listen to me and won't stay in bed at an unreasonable hour.
I was smacked a lot by my mum - mostly when she was in a rage. I did not feel it achieved very much, just made me feel isolated and angry.

solooovely · 21/02/2011 12:59

I thinking smacking has it's place, like some people have said, when a child runs in the road. I little chat about how dangerous it is isn't going to do it. They need a quick sharp shock that they will never forget! If you are smacking all the time though it will have no effect as they won't pick it out as being any different to any other thing they got smacked for.

solooovely · 21/02/2011 13:44

lightwind I just read your post and I do a lot of the same things, naughty step, no telly, toys taken away for the rest of the day etc. (I don't smack)

I have a friend though who doesn't believe in any of these things! Who thinks they are all damaging to the child. I don't feel like I can even talk to her about this sort of thing anymore as it makes me feel bad for doing anything to discipline my child!

She does have very laid back kids and I've said to her that her approach (going along with whatever the kids want, pandering to their whims, patiently talking through everything and pleading with them to do what she wants) only works because her kids have the personality where they don't object to everything and have tantrums anyway.

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 13:46

Maybe they don't object to everything and have tantrums anyway because of her parenting?

Why is it that when we agree with someone's methods, their kids are well behaved because of them, whereas when we don't agree with their methods and they're still well-behaved, it's because of their personalities? Grin

mamatomany · 21/02/2011 13:47

It doesn't work for us, I have smacked and the only person it really upsets is me.
As my neighbour once said, it isn't effective and you know that but you'd have to be a saint to never do it or want to do it.

GnomeDePlume · 21/02/2011 14:37

Did smack when DCs were small. They all learnt that biting hurt their bums (primary punishment) and being put down and ignored for a while (secondary punishment). All bit once then gave it up as a bad job.

Other than that - only for total disobedience (of the running into the road variety) where they need to learn a sharp lesson very quickly.

We were never fans of the long drawn out 'go to your room' type punishments. The only time this happens is when bedrooms need tidying.

On the whole I think that our approach to discipline has worked so far at least. We like our DCs and think they like us.

It is always a question of balance. A smack is used to get the child's attention back on the parent and what the parent is saying. A tedious lecture by the parent on the whys and wherefores of not running into the road is never going to have the same effect.

UmYeahLikeTotally · 21/02/2011 15:04

No no no. I will never smack.

It is not acceptable to resolve disputes as an adult by slapping someone else, it's called assault. But when someone smacks a child it's OK because it's labelled "discipline"?!!! Hmm

Also, I honestly can't get my head around the fact that most people say "I only smacked DC's when they were small"....does that make it better? That you could use violence against a tiny 2 year old, but not on a bigger 9 / 10 / 11 year old?!!

Yep, you just use violence against little ones who are unable to defend themselves. But you had better stop when they get to a point where it's possible you would get a clout back, right?

Btw: I was smacked as a kid. Not all the time, but I certainly remember some of the times it did happen. My Mum has told me about when I was around 2yo and having a tantrum in the car; she was so mad, that she stopped the car, got out and smacked me. She was so angry that she was hitting me and hitting me. She told me that she had to stop herself, otherwise she could have killed me. She felt awful afterwards, it made her cry. The thing is, that wasn't about disciplining me. It was about making her feel better. And it certainly didn't help as I continued to scream all the way home anyway (because of being smacked).

I won't ever use violence against my child to make ME feel better.

QuickLookBusy · 21/02/2011 15:08

I don't get the-smacking if they run into the road-. I shouted very loudly when my DC did that. As I rarely shouted at my kids, they were very very shocked and got the message that what they had done was very dangerous.

How does hitting a child who has nearly got run over make any sense what so everConfused.

Cadmum · 21/02/2011 15:23

Quicklookbusy: I am so glad that you asked about the running into the road smack: I read it and thought that since the car didn't hit the child, the parent would...

"I was so scared that you were going to be hurt that I had to hurt you myself?!"

Debs75 · 21/02/2011 15:33

I try really hard not to smack.
I have though been caught out in moments of frustration and smacked my elder two, 15 and 12.
Since Ds was diagnosed with autism we have tried very hard not to 'lose control' as he was starting to lash out as well. With dd we can be rational but ds doesn' communicate so it is so much harder and frustrating.
dd2(2) when she started smacking I told her that we don't smack her so she shouldn't smack us.

I was smacked as a child and my mum often says if you don't discipline then they will run all over you. I say disciplins does not have to be smacking

givemushypeasachance · 21/02/2011 15:50

Not keen on smacking. Pain can teach an animal a lesson - that they should withdraw from the situation that caused the pain. But will a young child see that it was their naughty behaviour that led to the smack and the pain, or that it was the adult who hit them that led to the pain? You might be able to rationally explain that to an older child or adult, but a toddler won't necessarily follow the logic.

Re the people who say "well you wouldn't hit an adult" - I agree with that to a certain extent, but then you are also not likely to physically pick an adult up to remove them from a biting situation or take their "toys" away if they don't tidy them up. That argument goes only so far when you're trying to teach young children how to behave in a socially acceptable way when they haven't got the cultural rules right in their mind yet and their concept of self/others is fuzzy!

Back on topic, I was smacked as a child - mostly in anger, but of the more delayed "put your hand out" kind rather than the instant whack. I was afraid of being smacked, but I don't know if it made me change my behaviour - I just knew I didn't want to get caught, and I didn't want to risk winding my dad up when he was in one of his moods. I get on well with my parents and I understand that they're not perfect, but it's not a parenting technique I would choose to take from them and use myself.

asdx2 · 21/02/2011 15:51

I think it is even more important with autism to not smack tbh. Not only because the child is unlikely to grasp the "do as I say not as I do" that is implied when you smack but also because of sensory issues a tap might be hugely painful to the child.
With ds and dd I don't tend to try and rationalise I offer acceptable alternatives and reward for making the right choice.

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 16:04

I don't get the running in the road thing either. I guess it depends on the child but again all it teaches is that they can't get caught doing it. It doesn't teach them why they shouldn't run into the road. You don't have to give them a "long boring lecture" Confused DS knows that the pavement is for people, and the road is for cars, he knows if he runs into the road without looking that a car might squash him and that it would hurt him and it would be scary. He's 2. This wasn't one continuous "lecture", it was little bits of conversations we have had multiple times. He also knows that by certain roads he has to hold hands, on others that he has to walk properly on the right side of me, and he knows if he doesn't do this that he has to sit in the pushchair. Sometimes he's happy to do this and that's fine - sometimes he's not, but tough, I have to know that he's safe. He's never had the opportunity to run into the road when he was actually in danger, because I don't and won't let him walk by any busy roads until I completely trust him. I don't see that letting him run into a road and then smacking him for it would work any better.

solooovely · 21/02/2011 17:34

I don't get the-smacking if they run into the road-. I shouted very loudly when my DC did that. As I rarely shouted at my kids, they were very very shocked and got the message that what they had done was very dangerous.

How does hitting a child who has nearly got run over make any sense what so everconfused

How does that make less sense then shouting at a child that nearly got run over???!??!?!

The reason your kids were shocked was because you did something which you don't normally do, just as smacking a child would be something a lot of people would not normally do.

solooovely · 21/02/2011 17:36

BertieBotts I don't see that letting him run into a road and then smacking him for it would work any better

No one is suggesting letting them run into the road so that they can smack them for it! What planet are you on!?

solooovely · 21/02/2011 17:42

HerBeX Maybe they don't object to everything and have tantrums anyway because of her parenting?

Why is it that when we agree with someone's methods, their kids are well behaved because of them, whereas when we don't agree with their methods and they're still well-behaved, it's because of their personalities?

I think it's the other way around actually. With this friend anyway. I think that she believes that her method (and pandering to their whims were her words not mine) are what has created incredibly well behaved children. But this is a new thing she has been doing with her children and they have ALWAYS been well behaved. They are the sort of children who even as babies and toddlers never objected to anything or had tantrums or argued with other children! The don't say boo to a goose! I don't judge her on her parenting at all (she's a great mum) but think that just wouldn't work for the majority of kids.

GnomeDePlume · 21/02/2011 17:49

I do find some of the long drawn out punisments to be weird. The taking away of toys, naughty step, long tedious lectures etc all seem to me to be a form of psychological torture.

We stopped smacking the DCs as soon as they could be reasoned with, interestingly that coincided with them coming out of nappies.

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 18:13

Well then what is the smack for? I don't understand! Surely you just don't give them the chance to run into the road in the first place? And explain it etc BEFORE you allow them that freedom. If they still run into the road after that then surely they weren't ready for that freedom and you just take it away?

GnomeDePlume · 21/02/2011 18:19

3 DCs, two hands, sometimes you have to let go (or hold one in your teeth which would be a whole different thread).

Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 21/02/2011 19:18

I can't believe people think smacking a child thats run into the road is a good idea....

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