Sexual behaviour towards another child need advice urgently

[Worriedmum34758]

My DS (5) has came to me with something very worrying. He had a few friends over to play and he said that a girl (4) had "licked ***'s winkie". Im not sure what to do about this without causing a fallout (the girls mum is a friend). I do realise something has to be done but im not sure what. Please give me your advice.

oh the boy is also 5

Make a referral to social services. It is obviously inappropriate behaviour for children that needs investigating.

I know that somebody needs to get involved. Think i just need to know the best way to deal with it

You can make a report to social services by telephone expressing your concerns. Do you know name, address, etc of the other child?

Bear in mind your child may need to be interviewed also.

It seems that one of these children has sexual knowledge not appropriate to their age.

It is up to you if you tell your friend or not. It will seem accusatory and may well cause problems. You have to ask yourself the question, is there a child at risk from harm here/ Have they already been exposed to harm?

If you are reporting for the right reasons then your friend should understand.

There was a similiar question to this posed on another thread, in which it was pointed out that the behaviour need not be sexual, and that lots of thinking about context and meaning was probably necessary. It looks appalling, but needn't be (it might be, just can't tell).

That thread also pointed out that it would typically be the boy putting penis in mouth who caused alarm, not the gril licking. You might consider asking your friend in the spirit of enquiry-seeking to find out why and what, not accusing her daughter of innappropriate behaviour, and bear in mind form her persepctive her daughter may be seen to be being abused.

You have the advantage that your DS wasn't directly involved, so could possibly find out from him what was going on before asking or, if you felt uncertain, contact Social Services and ask advice. But, before doing anything, satisfy yourself that there is a real sexual problem, or that you are simply unequipped to find out, because otherwise you risk making a whole group of children feel that their play might be wrong for reasons they don't udnerstand, when a simple 'we don't do that' might work better.

I know it sounds creepy, but there were very sad stories on the other thread of children who had become entirely introverted because of an investigation into something that was not really odd-if you don't know what sexual behaviour is, you'll do sexually odd things.

If the girl's mum is a friend then you should talk to her before you go running straight to social services. AdelaofBlois is quite right when she says it could be nothing to get in a tizz about. Don't forget that at this age one body part is pretty much like another, would you be as worried if she'd licked the boy's ear or toe? Did the boy ask her to do it? It could be the boy who is at risk here if anyone is, if so. Come to think of it, why did he have his "winkie" out in the first place? It could be that one or other of them has found a "lad's mag" unbeknown to the parents and looked at the pictures, in which case it's pretty stupid of the parents not to have put it somewhere safe but not actually deliberate abuse is it? Loads of questions to be asked and the social services can sometimes be a bit heavy handed and actually cause trauma where there was none before.

A disclosure has been made, do not question the children concerned any further. Leave it to people who are trained to investigate such a disclosure.

wow, i wouldn't go running to social services - a word with the mum definatley

Very tricky, could be that she has witnessed something she shouldn't or it could mean nothing at all. Personally I would call the NSPCC helpline (for anyone concerned about the safety or welfare of a child) just to talk it through. They would be very used to this sort of dilemma. The number is 0808 800 5000

That is the point I was trying to make thesecondcoming. A disclosure has been made, it is not up to parents to decide what caused it.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting don't report it, and I can see why you need to talk to someone and probably should report it.

I think what I was really saying was it may be nothing, it may be abuse, or it may be that if you got all the parents in a room one would look a bit shame faced and go 'well, there was that time when she came in...'.

For the sake of your kids and your friendships you need to behave open mindedly over what may be a tough time, and not as if you have it all sussed. Suggesting 'abuse' and throwing that around will cause problems for everyone, which may be unnecessary. YOur friends will understand the concern, but no the accusation.

Crikey! What huge leaps have been made here, I thought that the girl had "licked" the "winkie" and now she's giving blow jobs! Kids are curious, little girls are curious about "winkies" because they don't have them, I remember I was And this is on the "evidence" of a 5 year old? All I know is, that once social services are involved it can be near impossible to shake them off and as well as doing a good job in some cases there are plenty of cases where children have been ripped from the bosoms of innocent families and/or murdered because the "someone qualified" made huge errors. "A disclosure has been made" so it's "not up to the parents" and this is an edict being proclaimed by someone on the evidence of a few lines on MN from a poster repeating something a 5 year old said? Blimey!

oh fgs, thelibster, you are talking rubbish.

If you knew anything at all about child protection protocol then you would shut up.

Calling in social services is a very big step which could have huge consequences. Get some advice from NSPCC if you're worried

I agree with Adel... and Thelibster

Yes, wannbeglam, massive step, could be the difference between stopping child abuse or letting it continue . What do you think the NSPCC will advise or do ?

my four year old is obsessed with licking at the moment, and oddly enough so are many of her friends. it's really irritating.

i'm not sure if you are reading too much into this and would be very reluctant to take this further without any other context.

All I know is that kids have played "doctors and nurses" since time immemorial and plenty of kids still put things in their mouths to explore at the age of 4. My DS used to "lick" food he was unused to before putting it into his mouth until he was 8 or 9. To put in motion what could amount to a criminal investigation on the hearsay evidence of a 5 year old is a pretty knee-jerk reaction. I'm not saying it's definitely natural curiosity at all just saying it's not definitely a clear cut case of sexual abuse either. And my sil and my niece are both social workers so I know that there are some very good ones and also, sadly some pretty poor ones out there. (Most of the bad ones spout like textbooks)

btw scurryfunge, you might want to have a look at the 'intimate hygiene in girls' thread from last night. the poster has been confirmed as a regular who changed her name and was asking for information on intimate hygiene, rather than a paedophile trawling for kicks.

If it were me I would do as Mimsy suggests and call the helpline...they will be well used to things like this and be far better informed than most people on here.

same post to shanahansrevenge. good to see so many familiar names on this thread.

AitchTwoOh..that thread has nothing in common with this one. Best not to go around mixing thing up when a potentially serious problem has been posted on here.

Wondered when you would drag last nights events into this thread. I will not post my thoughts about last night's thread as I am sure it will cause further comment by you.