DD(12) just smashed her own mobile. Help me fathom what went wrong here.

[Spidermama]

dd1 is 12. She just got into a row with ds1, who's 11, about his belt. She was wearing his belt and he wanted it back. She wouldn't give it back so he started to get lary. I then said, 'you have to give him his belt back if he wants it' so she started taking it off extra slowly to wind him up.

He got more and more hysterical. She sort of kicked him but it was more pushing him away with her foot because he was getting very close and steamed up.

I said to dd 'OK you have to leave the room now. Go and get ready to go out'. (She's going to see Harry Potter with a friend.)She shouted, 'NO' and I carried on calmly telling her she had to leave the room. Eventually, when she still wouldn't leave, I said, 'I'm going to count to ten and you have to be out of the room' at which point she screamed, 'I hate all you little shits' and she threw her mobile phone hard on the floor. The screen smashed. (It's a touch screen.)

What went wrong and where do I go from here?

Does she have savings? My suggestion would be that she pays for the relacement phone (or goes without) and that she does not go to the cinema today. Her behaviour and language were not acceptable and she needs to know that there are consequences.

No cinema and if she wants a phone she has to pay you back.

I don't think you have gone wrong - she's 12 and probably hormonal. No cinema today and if she wants a new phone, she saves up and replaces it herself.

Let things calm down and have a

I agree with others. I would cancel cinema trip and she whould pay for replacement phone, either with pocket money ro by doing chores.

... calm chat with her later.

Oh poor you, my dd is almost 13 and has a bit of a temper at the mo also. I'd say no cinema today and prob no internet/laptop for a week. My friend's son did this a few weeks to his mob ago and she gave him an ancient nokia brick she had as a spare!

Agree with the others- no cinema, no phone unless she can afford to replace and an apology.

Although I would also have a word to ds about his lariness etc.

I agree that if she needs a phone for whatever reason, you buy her a £20 special and she pays you back.
If she can't treat technology appropriately, she doesn't have it.

You did nothing wrong - she's 12.

She can pay to replace her own phone and children who have tantrums and scream rude words at people are overtired and need to stay at home and calm down and think about what they did.

In other words, behave like a toddler and get treated like one.

When she's stopped thinking the world has ended and you are the cruelest mother in the world and she wishes she was dead etc., you want an apology and so does her brother.

Am I allowed to lol at 'I hate all you little shits'?

Oh, and have a word with ds about winding up a sibling who is already sufficiently wound up.

For emphasis, I would do this (calmly and not aggressively) very close to him to show him how having your personal space invaded isn't fun.

Wow everyone says no cinema. I was going to let her go. She's normally really well behaved, I never have to tell her to do homework, she helps out. I guess she just exploded.

She'll certainly miss her phone and I won't be in any hurry to replace it. Good idea about getting a cheap one. She doesn't appreciate or take care of her gadgets. Leaves her laptop lying around etc.

I just can't help feeling sorry for her and thinking she'll punish herself enough because she has done something so stupid.

Does anyone think she should be allowed to go to the cinema? It has been planned for ages with three good friends all going together with another mum. Should I really deny her that?

No to the cinema trip. Cheapo PAYG phone from her own money.

You haven't done anything wrong - you were calm and laid down boundaries which she chose not to follow.

Sulk in room for an hour, then a bath (maybe with a drop of mum's nice bubble bath if she can promise to try to be more mature for the rest of the day?) and then a chat and cuddle later, in which she is encouraged to reflect on her earlier behaviour.

She called you a shit.

I wouldn't send someone who calls me a shit to the cinema.

I would let her go Spidermama.
I think she will resent it and it will build up bad feeling.
then talk to her later.
is she upset? sorry?

definitely no to the cinema, she replaces the phone from her own money and she apologises to her brother as well.
Did she actually ask her brother for the belt or did she just waltz into his room and just take it?

It's amazing how her three brothers are being incredibly crawly and well behaved now offering me tea and generally enjoying that for once dd has lost it and is in trouble.

I think it's important not to over-react about this kind of thing tbh.
All 12 year olds (well most of them) can do stupid things sometimes. I think I would try and deal with it with kindness and calm, then reflect and talk later.
that's what I would do.

Im not usually a pushover, not at all but I would let her go to the cinema. I think she probably thought the belt looked good/had planned her outfit etc. And so reacted unreasonably when told she couldnt have it.

I would ask her to appologise for swearing. And she has to buy phone herself - earn money by chores or something. I think no phone for a teenager is punishment enough if shes normally no trouble.

Plus it means you dont have a sulking teen in the house all afternoon

Re: the cinema. It depends if you want her to think it's okay to tantrum and then still do what she wants.

If you DO let her go, it will need to be after apologies and after agreeing that she will do x or y as soon as she gets back in order to make up for this morning - clean her room, help with dinner, do the dishes, iron her uniform, lend her brother her new game, play Monoploy nicely as a family, whatever works.

giraffes- I think it might boil down to did she ask her brother for the belt or just take it?

Monopoly - I can spell really; I just can't type. :)

If she is generally well-behaved then you need to keep a sense of perspective.
I wouldn't want to live in a house where I wasn't allowed to make stupid mistakes without everyone going on about it.

No she should not go to the cinema, she called you a shit, she disobeyed you and to be honest the way she was behavng towards her brother that would have been the first thing my DD would have been threatened with.

Harpsi you're the only one who says she should go to the cinema. I think stopping the cinema trip would be too cruel. She will be embarrassed enough about this whole thing.

She's normally so nice and polite and helpful. She has three brothers so you've got to feel for her.

I really want to let her go to the cinema but I want to do the right thing more. I feel she didn't choose to swear and smash her own phone. She just 'lost it'. I don't think stopping her from going to the cinema would make her any less likely to loose it in the future would it? It wasn't rational behaviour and she will certainly suffer as she loved her phone. Surely she has dished out her own punishment but smashing it up. That's going to hurt for a long while.