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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD(12) just smashed her own mobile. Help me fathom what went wrong here.

78 replies

Spidermama · 21/11/2010 12:20

dd1 is 12. She just got into a row with ds1, who's 11, about his belt. She was wearing his belt and he wanted it back. She wouldn't give it back so he started to get lary. I then said, 'you have to give him his belt back if he wants it' so she started taking it off extra slowly to wind him up.

He got more and more hysterical. She sort of kicked him but it was more pushing him away with her foot because he was getting very close and steamed up.

I said to dd 'OK you have to leave the room now. Go and get ready to go out'. (She's going to see Harry Potter with a friend.)She shouted, 'NO' and I carried on calmly telling her she had to leave the room. Eventually, when she still wouldn't leave, I said, 'I'm going to count to ten and you have to be out of the room' at which point she screamed, 'I hate all you little shits' and she threw her mobile phone hard on the floor. The screen smashed. (It's a touch screen.)

What went wrong and where do I go from here?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

IsItMeOr · 21/11/2010 13:31

Sounds like you need to follow LilRedWG's advice and eat chocolate/hide in bedroom with a book .

Sounds like you're a lovely mum. And that you've already figured out why your DS's are being so good - i.e. they already realised how much they'd stirred things up before your DD told you.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 21/11/2010 13:33

To her the whole thing probably seems desperately unfair. She was going to go on a cool trip to cinema, outfit planned then her wee brother started winding her up about belt. You then waded in on her wee brothers side, and let the rest of them join in on her humiliation. She was backed into a corner and couldn't see a graceful way of it.

Let her go to the cinema. Sit down with her and try and figure out together what to do about the phone - is it insured? When she's calm have some one on one time with her and a chat about why she felt she had to react in that way.

Original poster

Spidermama · 21/11/2010 13:33

Aw thanks is it me.

OP posts:

SantasNutellaFairy · 21/11/2010 13:36

So, what's the result?

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 21/11/2010 13:37

Think you need to sit down with all the children and explain that it is not on for them to interupt/annoy/antagonie another if/when they are having a tantrum/being told off etc

DreamTeamGirl · 21/11/2010 13:43

I think letting her go gives her time to calm down aso you can talk sensibly later

I honestly dont think you did much wrong- except maybe not making her DS get out of her space and letting him carry on winding her up

ADreamOfGood · 21/11/2010 14:11

Sometimes it's very hard being the eldest, especially if they're all a different gender to her. I wondered if she was feeling too much pressure about being the responsible one, the one who always behaves, etc?

pranma · 21/11/2010 14:51

I would definitely let her go to the cinema as it removes her from the situation.She lost her temper and has lost her phone-effectively she has punished herself.A talk about things with all of them later might be in order-to be honest I think she needs a cuddle....hormones anyone???

anniepanniepears · 21/11/2010 14:57

I would let her go to the cinema but have a talk when she gets back brother should also get a talking to

TheFallenMadonna · 21/11/2010 14:57

Why did your DS want his belt back? Did he actually want it back? OR was he spoiling for a fight? Obviously she should have asked etc etc, but I do find I have a lot of sympathy for a child who is being deliberately wound up. And I do try have conversations like this away from the other one (and at school as well - much more effective with teenagers than in front of everyone else).

Ormirian · 21/11/2010 14:59

Leave her without a phone for a few months. That should do it.

Earlybird · 21/11/2010 15:03

Hmm - so you put the belt in her drawer by accident, and she put it on. Not at all the same thing as taking it from her brother's room without asking.

Why exactly did your ds need his belt back at that moment? Did he need it? Or was it simply a knee-jerk reaction to wanting his belt/not wanting his sister to use it?

If there was a mistake made, it was possibly at this juncture - imo.

And agree, the 'group countdown' would have been infuriating to anyone. It is/was taunting.

Ormirian · 21/11/2010 15:04

I agree that being the oldest is difficult. I tend to expect DS1 to be the grown-up sensible one. Which isn't fair when there is only 2 years between him and his sister.

But she was the instigator. Asking before borrowing is a fairly simple rule. And respecting other people's possessions. The fact that her little brothers' were really annoying is besides the point. That can be dealt with seperately.

Oooh hark at me trying to be so sensible and measured Last time this happened in our house I ended up with a sore throat from yelling at them all

Foxy800 · 21/11/2010 15:11

Having read further I probably wouldnt stop the cinema trip but would be having a chat with them all and still getting her to pay for the damage to the phone.

Hope your day has calmed down a bit.x

thelibster · 21/11/2010 15:13

This may be too late and she may have already gone on her trip. I think a lot hangs on whether or not she was initially wearing brother's belt with his permission? And, did she offer any apology for swearing at you? If she had taken the belt without asking and she showed no sign of remorse for the swearing then I would definitely ground her. If she had permission and apologised without being asked or threatened with not going to the cinema if she didn't, then I would let her go. We all lose it sometimes and need to be given a second chance. :) I would also have a word with DS about holding his own temper, especially when he can see you have taken control of a situation.

LoveBeingAMummy · 21/11/2010 15:18

Love the way you said you understood why she called them little shits! For me it would depend on what she said when you spoke to her, agree four to one isn't nice and would wind me up too. Did she say sorry?

thelibster · 21/11/2010 15:28

Sorry, skipped a whole page of the thread my bad. OK you put the belt in her drawer by mistake, but she did know it wasn't hers? So should have removed it immediately on being asked to by rightful owner imo (or never put it on at all and given it straight to her brother, or told you about your mistake) Being the eldest is hard but so is being a child of one sex in a largish family where there is only one child of the opposite sex. I'm not pointing a finger or judging or anything believe me, but I know that my DDs are constantly moaning at me that DS is "spoilt" and always gets away with everything because he's the only boy. I don't think I do but I do pull myself up from time to time and ask myself "does it look like that from their point of view?" Might explain the "chanting" and the fact that your DSs are now making a big fuss of you? You wax lyrical about how wonderful she is normally, any chance they might be revelling in "the chosen one" being in trouble for a change. Really not judging just throwing up some "possibles"? to have a mull over. Flame me if you want.

mumbar · 21/11/2010 15:47

I actually feel a little sorry for your DD. My Dsis would often OK me to borrow something or we had shared items like belts etc and somehow miracualously needed them as soon as she saw me wearing them. I used to get so cross as I felt it was unfair and she would too join in the punishment - and not be stopped.

OP I think you have handled the fall-out from this brilliantly. As angry as I would be with my mum and sister I still felt guilty when I was allowed to continue with plans as I knew part of me didn't deserve them. (and often I wasn't alowed too) Swearing isn't OK but as you've said sometimes its the most appropraite description and a simple I don't like that language and let it go is enough.

Please continue how you are as I ended up hating being at home as I knew my sis would wind me up and up (she was a complete cow btw/ not normal sibs stuff) and I'd end up being wrong as I should know better as the eldest.

Acanthus · 21/11/2010 15:57

I would have let her go. I'd talk to her when she gets home about losing her temper. She'd have to replace her own phone, but I wouldn't bang on about that, just be matter of fact. She broke it, she needs to fix/replace it but I'd help her with it, show her how to keep her number etc.

I have two youger brothers and if they'd been counting like that I'm pretty sure I'd have gone mental at that age.

Also, the DS who owned the belt - did he really need it then? If not, he was being a bit mean in not letting her borrow it, tbh.

edam · 21/11/2010 16:00

Tell your sons not to be mean to their sister. (You are already dealing with dd so no need to say much about her.)

Don't allow people to invade personal space and don't let them join in punishments and discipline.

ragged · 21/11/2010 16:12

As long as she apologised for the name-calling and being awkward about removing belt I would have let her go to cinema, too.

Assuming you still want constructive feedback, Spidermama: It sounded like you were too quick too issue ultimatums. Just when your DD was slow to remove belt and uncharacteristically arsey.... on the ideal parenting day I like to think at that point I would have pulled her aside for a private word, asking why she was being difficult. Then she could explain her side (misplaced belt, unpleasant group pressure) and you could marvel at her childishness but (remembering that you are supposed to be a role model and not taking the view that she deserves a slap upside the head for being so silly) apologise about the misplaced belt, then point out that she still needed to return it. And thank her once she had done so.

And probably had a more satisfactory resolution.

On a bad parenting day I'd probably go hide in the garden while DC attempted to kill each other over the belt, mind.

Original poster

Spidermama · 21/11/2010 16:20

Thanks Mumbar. I feel sorry for her two. she often suffers and gets less of my attention because the boys are so demanding and sort of more direct with their requests. I try to make sure I compensate for this.

I agree she should have taken the belt off immediately but I also think he was mean to make her because he didn't need it at that point.

I also agree that the boys were kind of milking it because she is sort of a golden child. I don't spoil her really, just big her up for doing her homework and helping out. She helps out so much more than they do and she always does her homework on time and really well so I think it only right she reaps the rewards earning herself more rights and respect from me. I make this clear to them.

I had an older sister and a younger brother. My sister and I called him (and still do sometimes) Angel Boy because that was mum's name for him and he really did get away with doing far less housework than us. She did give him special treatment.

Anyway she has gone to the cinema now. We've had a chat and a long hug and she cried (as did I discretely of course. Miraculously the phone still works at the moment though it looks terrible now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spidermama · 21/11/2010 16:24

Ragged you're right. Taking her aside to ask why she was taking so long to return the belt would have been far more effective. I think the situation flared up so quickly I found myself in the middle of a war. I need to act quickly to prevent this happening in the future. These things really do seem to flare up out of nowhere.

DH is away for five weeks which I think has an impact. I can't wait 'til they're all at school tomorrow so I can recover! They bounce back from these things so quickly and I'm left feeling drained.

OP posts:

electra · 21/11/2010 16:25

I think you were right to let her go to the cinema, spidermama. I'm sure she regrets breaking her phone and that will be punishment enough. We all lose our temper sometimes.

ragged · 21/11/2010 16:44

Sibling rivalry sucks (from parents' pov as well as kids').

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