DD(12) just smashed her own mobile. Help me fathom what went wrong here.

[Spidermama]

dd1 is 12. She just got into a row with ds1, who's 11, about his belt. She was wearing his belt and he wanted it back. She wouldn't give it back so he started to get lary. I then said, 'you have to give him his belt back if he wants it' so she started taking it off extra slowly to wind him up.

He got more and more hysterical. She sort of kicked him but it was more pushing him away with her foot because he was getting very close and steamed up.

I said to dd 'OK you have to leave the room now. Go and get ready to go out'. (She's going to see Harry Potter with a friend.)She shouted, 'NO' and I carried on calmly telling her she had to leave the room. Eventually, when she still wouldn't leave, I said, 'I'm going to count to ten and you have to be out of the room' at which point she screamed, 'I hate all you little shits' and she threw her mobile phone hard on the floor. The screen smashed. (It's a touch screen.)

What went wrong and where do I go from here?

I would let her go to the cinema. Just sounds like a sill argument that got out of hand. I have a 12 year old dd who gets easily wound up by 3 sisters and could see her behaving the same as your dd. I would just forget about it and let her pay you back for a new phone x

Let her go to the cinema and give her a different punishment. I agree with the poster who said it would build up resentment if you stopped her going.
Also agree you did nothing wrong, typical sibling and 12 yr old behaviour IMVHO.

Santas sadly the initial belt error was mine in that I put ds's belt in her drawer thinking it was hers. Still I guess she knew it wasn't hers.

Spidermama- did she actually ask to borrow the belt which kicked it all off?

sorry x-post.

I'm so relieved you're warming to the idea of letting her go to the cinema.

Thanks for your help here girls.

I'm going to go and talk to her now. Deep breath. Here we go. Wish me luck. Will report back.

My DD's phone broke yesterday (cracked inner screen on an LG KS360). I thought it would be beyond repair but did a quick google and apparently it is easy and cheap to replace the screen.

Have ordered a new screen with the necessary tools for £7.50 (inc P&P!)from eBay & there are several sites with photographic guides on how to dismantle the phone & fit the new screen.

Might be worth her investigating?
My DD's breakage was an accident btw...she says

So the friends mother has already bought her ticket?

I'd let her go to the cinema, she lost the plot and needs to calm down, but I wouldn't cancel a prearranged activity if she has regained control over herself.
I am a bit at a 12 year old with her own laptop and touchphone etc, if she is still capable of physical, destructive rage.
She also needs to stop helping herself to other siblings stuff.
But it's your call Spidermama, you know your family.

Spider - you know what your instinct says... you know your daughter, and you don't want to make her unhappy.
And by punishing her, you will make her resent you, and her brother and generally feel awful.
stopping her from going to the cinema isn't going to 'teach' her anything that she doesn't already know. She is 12, and she KNOWS not to damage things and swear.
it will be unkind and counterproductive in the circs.

she didn't 'help herself' to anything though...
I teach in a secondary school and I know plenty of kids with phones and laptops
and plenty of ADULTS prone to losing it occasionally, including many many mothers of my acquaintance...

I hope that I would let her go to the cinema in your shoes. It's not as if the incident was anything to do with the cinema, so it would be extending a small incident to be much bigger.

The consequence of breaking her phone is that she doesn't have it. Cinema is a different issue imho.

I would let her go, and talk calmly to her later when all has calmed down..

Sounds like she had a wobbly, which we all have from time to time. If she had thrown it at her brother I would have kept her from the cinema as that is going too far, but if you say she is usually well-behaved and kind then I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I'm normally a very level-headed person but every million years or so I have a huge fit a bit like your DD, where I just lose it. I never hurt anyone which is the main thing but I have been known to smash things.

She's 12, which is a very difficult age. I'd say you're going to see more tantrums like this as she gets older but as long as she realises they're not really on then I would let them pass. She's probably mortified and hugely annoyed at herself about the phone, so that's plenty of punishment IMO. When you talk to her just say "You know that was too much don't you?" She'll likely agree and apologise, leave it at that and move on.

Let her go, but stick to your guns on the phone issue. I would be saying that you won't pay to replace it, and that she needs to spend her pocket money on a basic version.

BTW the few times when as a teenager I had a fit like this my mother laughed. That was the best antidote ever as it made me feel like a fool (which I was) and totally defused the situation. She never made fun of me, she just laughed and then completely changed the subject.

Oh and yes I wouldn't replace the phone either. Actions have consequences.

The cinema trip isn't really related, so I wouldn't stop it, especially as it's already been paid for. But then I don't have a 12 yo, so I don't know!

I think let her go, but tell her in no uncertain terms that you are going to sit down and have a Very Big Talk when she gets home.

As well as discussing how she will make amends it will also be a good opportunity to discuss if there is anything bothering her (at school perhaps)

Definitely wouldn't pay for a new phone (unless she payed back asap and she would just get a cheap one)

But agree that she should replace the phone herself and/or not be allowed expensive gadgets until you know she can be trusted to look after them.

And a talk generally about sibling borrowing policy. She should have checked before taking the belt, which I guess she knows, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to everyone about it in the hope of avoiding future similar rows (and if there's an agreed "policy" then if there is a row it may be referred back to)

Hmmm, having seen what you've said about her general behaviour I'd possibly let her go if she apologised to you and her annoying little bro first. She also needs to sit with you at some point and discuss some coping strategies - it does sound hormonal and she'll need your guideance on how to deal (eat chocolate, hide in her bedroom with a book etc.)

DS does need a talking too also. You need to nip any antagonising in the bud.

i think that losing the phone is punishment enough, and she should pay to have it fixed or replaced.

i dont think she needs to lose the cinema trip as well. 12yr old girls can be incrediably hormonal, and tbh she will probably need the space away from her siblings to calm down. tell her she can do, but when she gets back you will be talking to her about this incident.

clothes cause loads of rows in this house, as dh always putting dd1's stuff in with dd2's and vice cersa as they wear the same size stuff.

Goblin the laptop cost £40 from DH's work friend who was upgrading. She has a touch phone as part of a Dolphin contract from Orange. It's not an iPhone or anything.

Anyway I have just talked to her. She says, and I remember now this is true, that while I was counting from 1 to 10 the boys joined in. I obviously should have stopped this. It must have been horrible for her to have four people chanting at you like this. So I accept the boys shouldn't have joined in and I should have stopped them.

I can't help thinking that, in light of this, her description of them as 'little shits' is perhaps accurate.