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Original poster

Help- one twin keeps attacking the other

94 replies

Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 20:28

I have 11 month old twin girls. Both are normally really well behaved but recently, when i popped out of the room, one (it sounds harsh but it did look violent) attacked the other. The twin that can stand and walk was slamming the one who is still crawling on the head and pulling her hair. The twin being hit just sat there and cried, not even trying to push the other away. Is this normal behaviour? Is the one trying to assert her authority in some way? I've caught her three times now doing this and have always taken her away and said 'No' really firmly and tapped her on the hand. Twice she smiled and crawled back to re-attack. What can i do to deter her/let her know that this is wrong?

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Blatherskite · 17/11/2010 20:36

So you're teaching her not to hit by hitting her Hmm

That'll work.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 20:39

OMG piss off with your self-righteous crap. I tapped her. She can't talk so i can't politely ask her not be so violent to her sister now can i? I am being honest about what i said/did . Be constructive or don't bother please.

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alfiesmummy23 · 17/11/2010 20:49

a tap on the hand never did me any harm shelly! I am one of a twin and i do remember fighting with my sister alot when we where older although I don't remember when we where small! I do however remember from a very early age trying to assert authority it was a constant battle to be top dog ( or twin if you like lol) i'm pretty sure it's normal but obviously i cant see in great detail the actual fighting. I'm sure they will be fine. political corectness is a bit mad these days, there is a difference between smacking and a light tap. A light tap wont do any harm xx

ShesAStar · 17/11/2010 20:52

Hi Shelly
My little boy did this at the same age with our cat (slightly different to a sibling!) but I don't think it's to do with asserting herself, I think it's just something that gets a reaction from her sister and you.

I used to get my little boy's hand and say 'we don't hit - we stroke' and make his hand stroke the cat. Maybe you could do the same?
Although I totally appreciate a cat very different to a sibling.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 20:58

Thank you Alfiesmummy I felt so guilty about the tap and i don't think i should. I hate people who are unreasonably judgemental and just seem to want to pick a fight/criticise. I came on here for some advice/help and your response was kind and useful. I thought it was probably an authority thing as although she can stand and walk, she is quite a bit smaller frame wise. I'm sure her sister will get her own back at some point Grin.

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Blatherskite · 17/11/2010 20:59

I've got an 11 month old too. She can't talk so I teach her through my actions. She can't control her body enough to control the difference between a light tap and a full slap so I don't want her to hit full stop - and to teach that, I don't hit!

Babies don't get 'one rule for me, another for you' after all

Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 21:04

She's a star Thank you, maybe it is an attention thing...something to think about but how to get around it? I've taken a year off and spend most of the day playing and entertaining them. I try and spread the attention fairly but maybe the one doesn't see it that way! Unfortunately both girls are a little rough with the cat, despite my attempts at getting them to stroke it. I think it's 'cause the cat runs so they get over excited and just tug and pull in the few seconds they get with it. The girls often play together nicely and seem to get along well most of the time so it was a bit of a shock to see it happen!

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alfiesmummy23 · 17/11/2010 21:05

lol shelly thats exactly the same as me n my sis! i could walk before her and i was far smaller than her so i tried to make up for it by picking on her whilst i still could my mum has told me! they even took my sis to a specialist because they where worried about her not walking and they told my parents she was just lazy lol! we where born early as my sis was sat on my head eating all the food, i was only 4lb 9oz and my sis was 6lb 7oz so i kicked a pulled hair to make up for it! i bossed her around until we where at least 7! lol xxx

Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 21:08

Well done Blatherskite medal to you for being the perfect mummy and perfect human being. Sorry i don't meet your standards. Many people don't see anything wrong with a tap and i'm grateful i was disciplined in such a way..it meant i didn't turn out to be an obnoxious excuse for a human being hands you a mirror Like i said, why don't you piss off!

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alfiesmummy23 · 17/11/2010 21:09

ooh one thing i will say before i finaly shut up shelly lol, is don't treat them as a pair, dont dress them in the same clothes, let them be themselves, i know it might sound hippyish for them now so early but it was a real issue for me and my sis as my mum would dress us in the same outfits or different colours of the same thing, we had real trouble getting people to recognise us as individuals and still do at 23, they will no doubt have a super strong bond as and when they grow up which me and my sis cherish but i will say now hand on my heart i bloody hated being packaged in matching outfits like dolly's! lol rant over lol!

BudaisintheZONE · 17/11/2010 21:13

My sis has 11 month old boy/girl twins and practically the first interaction between them was him trying to grab her soother from her mouth and when she wouldn't let it go he poked her in the eye and grabbed it when she opened her mouth to cry!

I am sure it is not nice to see one of you babies attack the other. But I do suspect that tapping her on the hand won't get the message through. I would tell her no quite firmly and then move her away and then give the other twin lots of attention. If she keeps doing it maybe put her in playpen or something for a minute while you give the other one lots if attention.

Blatherskite · 17/11/2010 21:17

Actually, I was battered and abused for most of my childhood and spent years and years in therapy because of it.

I can see you're getting massively worked up and vicious over one little comment though so I will "piss off" and leave you to it. If you lose it this badly with a few words on a screen I can see how an 11 month old could really wind you up. Poor kid.

I'm hiding the thread so you can save your venom for her.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 21:18

Alfiesmummy Your previous post made me laugh. My girls were early too (32 weeks) and the larger baby was on top doing all the eating too!!! I think the smaller one is compensating...poor little Lottie...7 years of torment to look forward to hahaha!
Thank you for the advice!! We don't have a twin's group where i live so ANY advice is so welcome, especially as you know what it's like to be a twin!!! I don't dress them in the same clothes unless it's a special occasion but may even reconsider that. My sis and i aren't twins, she's 2 yrs younger but my mum insisted on dressing us in similar outfits as she thought it looked cute. I didn't hahaha! and i'm still scarred remembers the matching dungarees and shudders l

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Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 21:21

Oh, now i feel even more guilty Sad Guilty for physically abusing my child and guilty for verbally and mentally abusing a poster with venom. Bad bad person

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EricNorthmansMistress · 17/11/2010 21:23

No real ideas about the behaviour, but I will say, I don't object to hand tapping as a discipline method, in extremis, it can work. But it will not work on an 11 month old. Just won't, so don't bother. You will have to seperate them I'd think.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 21:24

Venomous is judging someone's parenting skills based on a reaction to an extremely subjective and over judgemental stranger's comments.

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whateverfloatsyourboat · 17/11/2010 21:29

Well, that tapping's not working, is it? I would say a firm NO, pick her up and carry her to her cot or a playpen for a few minutes. Just keep doing it, they don't learn everything first time.

whateverfloatsyourboat · 17/11/2010 21:31

When my db is being rough, I also take his hand and say "Gentle!" and show him how to stroke his brother's head and not wallop it. This is definitely working.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 21:32

I'll definitely give that a go although i'm a little worried as i don't want her to see her cot as a punishment as she sleeps well and likes going to bed (we don't have a pen).

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schmee · 17/11/2010 21:50

There's a theory that says that twins don't really know the boundaries between themselves and each other at this age - so they get quite physical earlier than most kids. The brilliant news is that you can teach them about not hitting and biting at home, with you seeing it and dealing with, so they will probably be much better behaved generally than singleton kids who bite and hit their friends at a later stage.

Twins are always going to fight, but at this age I think the approach of saying "no" really firmly and distracting them to another activity works best.

As they get older you can put them into separate rooms to play when it's happening.

beebuzzer · 17/11/2010 22:06

A tap? bloody hell we use to get the slipper!
I fail to see how rational people can't see the difference between abuse and discipline and I think this is a big problem in our society.

To some 11 months may seem young and personally I havent tapped mine although I have showed her I am very unhappy with her behaviour and soon enough if she does do wrong she may well get a tap on the bum.
My daughter started walking the day she was 10 months. At 11 months she was causing havok around the house and still is! She empties drawers, takes thigs out all the time,climbs up on furniture to grab at things on the table and is extremely cunning. She needs to know when she can and can't do something. I honestly believe that this should be down to the parents to decide. Sure there are abusive parents but there a lot more decent,intelligent and thoughtful ones who don't need patronising when they decide to discipline their child the way they choose.

beebuzzer · 17/11/2010 22:09

Oh I came on this post as I have twin brothers but kind of lost the plot sorry! :)
My identical twins have been at war since the day they were born, now they can sort of talk civily to ech other at 36 but its been a long hard process! Best of luck with them. Twins must be tough, its hard enough with one!

alfiesmummy23 · 17/11/2010 22:35

blatherskite... shh! nothing constructive to say? then keep your little fingers away from the keyboard, maybe you need more therapy i don't know, but this site is meant for people to help each other, not for people to come barging in with random bollocks so shhhh!

shelly i agree on maybe not using the cot as a punishment area as it would be difficult to associate it with peacefull sleep afterwards. How do you reckon they would deal with a naughty step/seat/area? i guess it would be hard to get them to stay there for a while hmm, will have to think about that one ... hmmmm

SkyBluePearl · 17/11/2010 23:00

Yes leave the tapping alone - it's not the solution. Lead by example instead.

I agree with showing her how to be gentle -but also give all your attention to the victim and minimal attention to the hitter. Be calm/gentle/in control when dealing with incidents. Don't fly off the handle.

ThisIsYourSong · 18/11/2010 01:40

I have 13 month old twin boys and I've got to say, for me its only got worse - not sure if this helps or not! It sounds like in this case, she has found something easy to grab onto and got a good reaction.

I just use the word 'gentle' a lot! And demonstrate gentle with my hand or one of theirs. One of my boys in particular is more likely to be rough (more with me these days), he doesn't mean anything but is just exploring - usually my face, mouth etc. I guess some people would say the 'be gentle' thing isn't working but I think it will in the long term.

I'm not sure they are old enough to understand a time out, things are so fleeting in their minds at this stage - look how easily they are distracted. They will know its a punishment but not necessarily what its for.

Like I said, the boys can be pretty mean to each other. One of them shoved the other on his way past the other day (after a fight over a toy). I do know hard to see your babies being hurt by each other, but if its any consolation, I haven't seen them ever act that way to another child. They do snatch toys, but so do children at this age with older siblings.