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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help- one twin keeps attacking the other

94 replies

Shelly32 · 17/11/2010 20:28

I have 11 month old twin girls. Both are normally really well behaved but recently, when i popped out of the room, one (it sounds harsh but it did look violent) attacked the other. The twin that can stand and walk was slamming the one who is still crawling on the head and pulling her hair. The twin being hit just sat there and cried, not even trying to push the other away. Is this normal behaviour? Is the one trying to assert her authority in some way? I've caught her three times now doing this and have always taken her away and said 'No' really firmly and tapped her on the hand. Twice she smiled and crawled back to re-attack. What can i do to deter her/let her know that this is wrong?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Jareth · 19/11/2010 23:25

What does that mean beebuzzer? What crap? [baffled]

bubby64 · 19/11/2010 23:27

I'm sorry to tell you this, but it doesn't stop!! My twin boys are 10yrs in 2 weeks, and have been fighting each other from the womb onwards!I am friends with a number of twin mums, and almost all of them agree with this.
I always try to give loads of attention to the (initial)victim, and try to ignore the attacker,but as they have got older, the victim now tends to fight back, so I ignore both boys until they apologise to each other and to me. I know this is not of much help now, but may prepare you for the future. Also, sharing is a lesson that somehow everyone expects them as twins to understand, but it is as hard fro them as any siblings, often harder, as they are expected to share more. Alway treat them as individuals, and make sure everyone else does too. The up side is that, tho' they fight each other like cat and dog, they will always stick up for each ther against anyone else, and, at the end of the day, admit that they really love each other and are the closest of friends.

thisisyesterday · 20/11/2010 09:43

not really on to copy private messages Jareth

not sure why you did that really... sounds like the OP was just asking if you were Jareththegoblinking but didn't want to out you if you were...

fail to see the problem?

Mumof4Angels10 · 20/11/2010 10:11

Hi .. the truth is, no-one will ever understand life for you as a Mum of twins unless they themselves have them! I have 6 year old identical twin girls and the behaviour you are describing is perfectly normal ... there is always a dominant twin and you see it far more clearly as they get older. The dynamics of a twin relationship are totally different from that of siblings. On the plus side, although mine squabble now and then, they are also the best of friends and have each other whatever they do, which makes first day of school so much easier for them. What I suppose i'm doing here is telling you that it will be okay. My dominant twin is also the only child (I have 4) that I have had to tap on the hand as she tried to carry her dominance through the rest of the family. Good luck and best wishes x

beebuzzer · 20/11/2010 10:14

Taking it all out of proportion Jareth. How do you know OP has a filthy temper? Nice to see the last two posters actually looking at it ratioally and in context.

Original poster

Shelly32 · 21/11/2010 14:05

Thank you again to all the poster with some very useful advice It's graet to know other mums with twins and siblings have had similar experiences with the squabbling and that it's normal. Thanks again XX

OP posts:

ShadeofViolet · 21/11/2010 15:27

Well this thread is an odd one

I have a DS and DD with a 19 month age gap. When DS is aggressive to DD (and he is quite often as he has ASD), we model nice behaviour, so instead of shouting, I show him how to be nice to DD. Its working well, and better for DS than a firm no and a hand tap.

There are some very similar posting styles on this thread, and names too - just saying!

Original poster

Shelly32 · 21/11/2010 21:00

Thank you ShadeofViolet I think although i see nothing wrong with a tap despite being totally demonised, you are right, it's not working in this case, esp with my headstrong beauty! I've tried the 'Be nice' 'stroke' and will keep up with it..no probs for a while. I think she does seem to react to attention..don't we all!!!
I did wonder about the posting styles... although it's not pleasant and makes me feel like not asking anything on mumsnet again, I can take it ,..and thank you for pointing it out X

OP posts:

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 21/11/2010 21:20

bubby speaks sense,

I do this with mine:

separate them and say to the one hitting 'no hitting' in a firm but boring voice.

2.then ignore that one completely (no looking at, talking to etc) for a minute for their age so do aminute for your twins

And give the other one a cuddle.

But dont make it into a big thing, and don't start thinking of one of them as the naughty one as they will start acting up to it.

I personally would tap, as I have a temper on me, and if I started tapping a baby, I would be smacking a toddler and that just makes them act worse ime and also makes you feel like shit.

Original poster

Shelly32 · 21/11/2010 21:32

Yes, the tapping, although it was done in a controlled calm manner, did make me feel like shit.

So..separate, monotone voice, cuddle victim, ignore perpetrator for a while...

I've done some of these things but probably not in the right order...being a mumesp. of twins is a HUUUGE learning curve!!!

I think the BIG mistake was making a deal out of the one hurting the other as it reinforced the attention seeker.

Thank you!!! X

OP posts:

beebuzzer · 21/11/2010 23:26

Just be nice to your kids shelly and ignore bad behaviour. Then we will all be happy.

Original poster

Shelly32 · 21/11/2010 23:29

OP posts:

Poppyella · 22/11/2010 10:53

I should really be in bed, I did a night shift last night!! But can't sleep and had to reply.

I have almost 3 yr old twin girls who fight often. It's sometime a nightmare when they are aggressive to one another and I have, on more than one occasion give them a 'tap'. And no, I do not feeI remotely guilty for doing so.

We are not all perfect mothers (like some on here seem to think they are) and sometimes, just sometimes, our kids do something that causes us to lose our tempers - OMG sue me! Not the best response, but who cares! In the grand scheme of things it is a minor reaction to a stressful situation - one which 'tapped' twin will not remember even 20 mins later.

I would also have had exactly the same response as Shelly to the 2nd/3rd post. It was much too sarcastic and really not helpful in the slightest.

Some of you women really need to get real over life and not read so much into comments. If that is what you are doing, because reading some of this thread I am sure alot of comments are made to provoke a reaction. MN is a real eye opener for me!!!

Good luck Shelly with your twins - from one who knows what it's like. Oh, and just ignore the crap...

beebuzzer · 22/11/2010 20:55

I like your reply Poppyella. I wonder if all the other rather judgemental comments come from mothers of twins. I find it hard enough with one! :)

Original poster

Shelly32 · 22/11/2010 21:47

Thank you Poppyella and Beebuzzer! Esp appreciate the fact you replied even though probably totally knackered!!! I made the big mistake of responding to some of the crap in some cases...lesson learned!!!!

It's great to hear so many positive comments/ideas and brilliant to hear from so many twins/twin's mums too!

I think based on the majority of posts, i can accept that the fighting is going to happen no matter how much i don't want it to, and i just have to deal with it in the best way possible. I feel more normal after reading these later posts!!!!

OP posts:

Alanpogrant · 18/12/2019 20:06

How madening that woman posting about the hand smack . I can't imagine what her spoiled softly softy kid will turn out like , jeeez , what is the world coming too

charlotteodonnellxoxo · 18/12/2019 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mummycubs · 23/12/2019 01:43

I have two year old twin daughters (three in Jan). They're second and third out of six, DD1 is three nearly four and DS1/2 and DD4 are three months old. I never really had a problem with the physical fighting between the two of them, I'd just say no and separate them and they'd be fine a minute later. It might've helped that DD1 was always around to play with them and would always get me if she thought there was going to be a war between them.

I did and have a problem with the name calling at this age. They were often calling each other poos and toilet heads and stinky feet which seem like nothing but they both got so upset over it, so we have a little reward system in place until they learn how to snap out of it. Every week we go without a fight between them, they all get a little treat on a friday night with dinner. The twins hate letting their big sister down so they're on their best behaviour and have been for a good three weeks now!

On the matching outfits thing, I hate it. I have an older sister who is nine months older than me and my little sister is nine months younger than me. We might as well have been triplets the way our mother would act with us! Until I turned ten, we would be in matching outfits for everything. Christmas parties, dance lessons, going the shops, going swimming, on holiday, you name the event and we matched. I think that's what scared me off doing it with my kids. I have one singleton and then two sets of multiples, twins and then triplets, so I already know that they're going to be referred to as the twins or the triplets when they go to school and I hate that. I let my older three choose their own clothes every day and when my younger three are old enough to do the same, they will.

Isawthathaggis · 24/12/2019 13:26

Oh hell, I’ve just spent ages reading this zombie. The OP’s children will be about 10 now, they’ve probably worked it out now.

But also @mummycubs, hats off to you. That’s a lot of children.

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