Husband is trying to back out of naming agreement

[ThisZingyMember]

I'm looking for opinions on this situation. When I was pregnant with our first child, we could not agree on a name. Our tastes are just too different. At the time, I knew that our child was going to end up with a dull compromise name that neither of us would be keen on if we couldn't think of something else. Because of this, I decided to make an agreement with DH that he could name our first child any (first + middle) name that he wanted as long as I would be able to name our second child any (first + middle) name that I wanted. All went well, and he chose our first child's name. I didn't like the name he chose but never tried to interfere due to the agreement.

I'm now pregnant with our second child. I have chosen the name and told DH what it is. He is now trying to back out of the agreement. His argument is that this is an "extreme exception". He hates the name, so he should be able to veto it. My viewpoint is that it doesn't matter that he doesn't like the name. He shouldn't have agreed to this arrangement if he wasn't going to honour it. I'm not going to compromise when the point of the agreement was to avoid doing so.

this. sounds a really weird marriage. why on earth would you give your child a name you don't like. maybe you and DH are just not compatible and shouldn't be having children

@Plantladylover that's a bizarre and unhelpful comment. Lots of parents have different tastes.

Op, Yabu that you did the deal this way round, you gave birth so you should have got your way first time round.
Yanbu to expect him to keep his side of the deal now unless it's a name your child would be bullied for having or similar x

That's actually what I was thinking. It doesn't bode well in terms of tastes and compromise.

Do you “hate” your first child’s name or is it just too “boring” for you. Because there’s a difference between you not liking Emily May because it’s boring and him hating Pennis Maximus because it’s insane.

Is it not also quite bizarre to have one child with a traditional name and one with a wacky name? It’s literally like saying this one is mine and that one is his. Really strange.

Different tastes, of course, but to 'hate' a name and let your DH call your child by it is just bizarre.

Marriage is meant to be a partnership, not a battle

This is a rubbish agreement. Ours was literally the opposite we could both only go ahead if neither of us hated it. We love all our three kids names. But we would have been gutted to make each other upset hating the names (and both key favourites were not chosen for this reason!

We have an old baby name book that boasts 50,000 names. Even if there were not one single additional name apart from those in that book, I still find it astonishing that there aren't at least 10 or 20 of those 50,000 that both of you would like.

This is why I wonder if 'hate' is being used here to mean 'don't absolutely love'.

This ⬆️. Over something so fundamental to the relationship - naming a child.

This is not a new concept. My parents actually did something similar many, many years ago. They had an agreement that my dad would name daughters and my mum would name sons. It works out quite well when both parties keep their word.

oh shut up, you both sound like absolute children. what a ridiculous agreement and how on earth could you not find a single name that you were both ok with? you've made you're insane bed, now you have to lie in it I'm afraid.

Yes, but your parents were obviously compatible in terms of naming preferences?

Yeah, that agreement is a bit daft - especially as it probably now means the siblings will have very different style names which they may resent when older, “I’m George … and that’s my sister Sheherazade”.

Personally I would have compromised for the first name and each chosen a favourite middle name (or taken it in turns for middle names if you didn’t want DC to have 2), I think that’s what most parents do. Still, too late now - I agree he should stick to the agreement since you did.

But is DC2 a boy? Sadly sometimes men can worry that their sons might be made fun of with certain names (especially those they consider “wet” or geeky) - could that be the reason for his extreme dislike of your name choice?

Not in the slightest. My dad likes unusual names and mum likes traditional/Biblical. They're just not combative people.

Go ahead and name your child op. It’s your dhs own fault for insisting he chose your first child’s name. It didn’t matter what the name is, he should gave compromised if he agent want this to happen
FWIW, I would never have agreed to this in the first place. I’d rather choose a name both parents liked, rather than a name one loved and the other didn’t really like.

That's the key - your last sentence. They knew how to be in a partnership.

You have both behaved quite childishly.

You should have insisted on a name that you liked for your first child, and he should not have called your first child a name he knew you disliked.

Likewise for this child.

You both needed to put the work in the first time around - find a book of names, put a tick by any that you could stand and work out where the overlap was. And slowly move towards a compromise. I believe there are even apps that do this for you nowadays - you can both tick names and then it comes up with a common list.

Lazy and petty behaviour by both of you, and now he's trying to bully his way out of his part of the deal.

There’s an app called Kinder which is basically a digital naming book, but works like Tinder for baby names. It has thousands of names in it and you link it with your partner and you both swipe left or right of you like or dislike a name and it ‘matches’ when you both swipe right on one. You can filter it for different things too, and you can then view the matched names in a list to narrow them down. I know this doesn’t solve the OP’s issue of the agreement, but it’s a good option that I wanted to call out.

I found my ex said he ‘hated’ a name just because I suggested it, so this took that bit away as it matched before he knew I had also swiped right on it. Another reason he’s my ex tbh 😂

Well a deal’s a deal - but what a stupid one to make! So you hate one name, and he will hate the other! Ffs op, that’s plain daft..

We need to know the names to see if he’s being unreasonable backing out of agreement or if your choice is so off the wall it’s right that he can veto it. Though I’m not sure about the agreement in the first place…

This sounds like the kind of agreement a couple would have for picking what takeaway to have or movie to watch not naming their children!

Surely for something this important the grownups can compromise- there’s literally 000s of names. No parent should be agreeable to a name they absolutely hate

Bloody ridiculous

Absolutely NO. I can't believe he actually even did that? Most men once they see what the woman go through say 'no, no, you choose'. He must have thought you wouldn't ever really follow through.

I'm with you OP, I think its better for one parent to love a name than for both to settle on what nobody wanted.

I got my way because I always loved one name from childhood and he didn't 'love' any (never even thought about girls names before) but he didn't like the name I picked as it sounded 'weird' and 'made up' to him (purely because he hadn't heard it before because its not 'Classic' or 'English' sounding)

He now LOVES her name, now that its hers it no long seems strange to him. She is the face to her name and his worry of people thinking it was strange didn't come true, literally no one has ever questioned it or reacted anything other than normally.

What a stupid thing to do in the first place. There’s hundreds of thousands of names in the world. You should have named your child(ren) something you could both agree on.

I can see why you made it as it avoids picking bland names but you should never have let him go first!