Husband is trying to back out of naming agreement

[ThisZingyMember]

I'm looking for opinions on this situation. When I was pregnant with our first child, we could not agree on a name. Our tastes are just too different. At the time, I knew that our child was going to end up with a dull compromise name that neither of us would be keen on if we couldn't think of something else. Because of this, I decided to make an agreement with DH that he could name our first child any (first + middle) name that he wanted as long as I would be able to name our second child any (first + middle) name that I wanted. All went well, and he chose our first child's name. I didn't like the name he chose but never tried to interfere due to the agreement.

I'm now pregnant with our second child. I have chosen the name and told DH what it is. He is now trying to back out of the agreement. His argument is that this is an "extreme exception". He hates the name, so he should be able to veto it. My viewpoint is that it doesn't matter that he doesn't like the name. He shouldn't have agreed to this arrangement if he wasn't going to honour it. I'm not going to compromise when the point of the agreement was to avoid doing so.

Cah-lie-oh-pee

He already got to pick first and middle name for first child and agreed OP could for second.

Regardless of whether it’s weird deal or not, he was perfectly happy with the agreement when it was his turn to name the child, so very unfair for him to suddenly think it’s a bad deal.

Olive reminds me of Popeye. Olivia is so much nicer.

I agree. Lots of lovely ladies named Olivia:

https://www.ranker.com/list/famous-people-named-olivia/celebrity-lists

Their first child’s middle name is Athena.

So?

Well I’m guessing since the OP doesn’t like her first child’s names she probably won’t want to use it again for this one?

Also it hasn’t been mentioned as being an option for the second child

I was wondering this too 🤔 also applies to Theodora

Just leaving this here for anyone who is this far in and wondering what the name is.

I want to add that DH did not like the boy's name (Patrick Kieran) that I had mentioned I was considering before we knew that this baby was a girl either. To me, it is a perfectly normal name. This adds to my suspicion that he would not agree to any name that I've chosen even if I were to give him this one veto and pick something else.

i think that if you have chosen a name for your second child that is similar to names that you suggested for the first then he knew what he was agreeing to and should suck this up.

If you have chosen a name that is extreme and this is completely left of field then he may have a point.

However I would not have entered into this agreement. Sounds like this was DH’s plan all along and he is being a knob.

I agree with this. He wants his own way.
In a traditionally MNtty way…. Is he usually controlling?

Both his choice and yours are fairly long names, but if it helps your case at all, his choice is going to be really difficult for a young child to have to learn how to say, write and correctly spell. Especially if other adults on MN are having to ask you how it is pronounced! (I didn’t know either).

Poor child.

Francesca Mary-Kate sounds more appealing to my ears than Mary-Kate Francesca, but regardless of that you had a deal and you should have your pick.

I'm guessing you're Irish and he's either Greek or posh (or both)

Yes the names are very juxtaposed!

I do think siblings names should go together. This was a silly idea OP

I second PP that Olive and Frankie (or Liv and Chess, or Ollie and Frankie if they're feeling androgynous) go together quite well. Liv and Kate also OK. Mary-Kate wouldn't be my pick as I think it's a little old fashioned in England (or associated with Mary-Kate and Ashley although that won't be so when she's old enough to care). But I have two Irish friends called Mary-Kate. One goes by her full name or MK to mates, one goes by Kate. I also know an Irish Sarah-Louise and a Mary-Louise! If my hunch is right and you are Irish I would go full Irish (language) name though. There are so many beautiful ones and I think it's worth the slight spelling headache for others. Although the last thing you need is more names in the mix so please ignore that.

Why do people keep being nasty about the names? What you or I or anyone else think of them is completely beside the point. What you think of the agreement OP and her husband made is completely beside the point. He agreed, and got his way. All the names mentioned are perfectly normal names. He can’t claim an exception for “extreme” circumstances and needs to abide by what he agreed. I do think that trying to weasel out of it and get his own way again doesn’t paint him in a good light and doesn’t bode well for future negotiations.

I don’t think that Olive and Mary are really that different. Neither are my taste (which is completely irrelevant) but I was expecting something like Maureen and Persephone. Or Debbie and Lightening. These are both quite retro, old ladyish names. I’m struggling to see how you can’t find a name that both of you could agree on, even if one of you didn’t love it as much as the other.

I think he’s being the unreasonable one here. He knew you couldn’t agree on a name and he knew that he hated all of your suggestions. Did he think that you’d have come round to his way of thinking by the second child? He knew that you were going to suggest something he hated. How did he plan on dealing with it? Did he offer you a final veto for Olive? No? Then why would you offer him one for Mary?

I know most children these days will never have heard of Popeye so Olive is likely to have a relatively easy time of it, but I know two Mary’s, and one something-Mary, all of whom hate their names with a passion. Having a name that rhymes with hairy, lairy, and scary is not going to help her.

All very erudite, but also potentially pretentious. Unless you’re both classicists, or live in a 50-bed mansion set in a hundred acres. Do you?

For my children, I always wanted Antimony for a girl, generally to be shortened to Ann, and/or Oberon for a boy.

Ended up with James. 😀

It called compromise. My wife and I used a veto system.

I haven't read the full thread, but I've read your replies I think. They're lovely names. But can I ask if you're catholic?

They are both quite nice names but I would say firmly if we have renamed Olive Athena by deed poll before baby is born then we can agree a name together. If you don’t want to do that, then you need to treat me like I’m just as worthy of respect and consideration as you are, that I grew a baby, birthed her then let that baby be given a name I didn’t like, and you were fine with how I felt about that, but now it’s you it’s not ok because you are just more special and important. What are we renaming olive to? If you really just want to argue you are more special and important then our entire marriage is in question because I will not be a second class citizen in my own marriage.

if you want to have this conversation again it’s either you need the name change papers ready, or the marriage counselling with a view to separating booked. Otherwise you may say actually I didn’t really care how you felt after giving birth to our first and that was wrong and inconsiderate of me. I plan to suck it up for our second since that’s what i expected of you.

honestly I’d die on this hill as it’s not about a name, it’s about whether you matter or whether really he’s the only that matters.

The order is important. How does each version sound with the surname?
And more importantly, which will you call her?

edited for spelling

A deals a deal. Husband needs to suck a fart and deal with it. You have naming rights.