He wants to name the baby after his dead girlfriend

[Whambamthankyoumam111]

Hi. New to this. Just wanted thoughts on this. My partner and I are expecting our first baby soon and coming up with baby names. Tonight out of the blue he suggested a name which I know is the name of his girlfriend who died years ago. A woman he has put on a pedestal since. I was not happy and he tried to diffuse the situation saying that it was just a nice name.
I am super mad about the fact that he would even suggest it. Am I overreacting?

I don’t think it’s ‘insecure’ to not want your first child to be named after your partners other significant love. Whether they are deceased or not it’s something that should be about the two parents - they are creating their own little family!

Yes OP should be sensitive to the fact her partner is grieving…. But for him to suggest this name sounds like he is totally not bothered about her feelings.

OP you are NOT weird or insecure for not wanting the name… and he does seem more bothered about honouring her than your feelings tbh.

He probably needs counselling to help him with his bereavement.

I did suggest a compromise, middle name, another might be asking him what names they had ever talked about if they'd had children and having one of those as a middle name.

I just think its important to recognise this persons existence in his life, compromise is going to be required from both sides.

Its tough being the partner of someone who has suffered beareavment.

I don't know if he has "Closure" (never quite sure whats supposed to mean) "acceptance" is maybe a better way of putting it and he may well not want counselling, its not everyone's choice.

Can’t believe some posters on here are claiming this wouldn’t bother them 🤨- trying to be the ‘cool girl’ much?

I’d be fucking fuming.

But more so because of the context. Because he seems to hold a candle for her.

If he didn’t seem to hold a candle for her and he’d just suggested it out of ineptitude then I’d slightly annoyed but not angry because it wouldn’t be so concerning.

Hope you’re ok OP, it’s so selfish when people enter relationships when they’re not fully over someone. Funny situation though with her being dead. Perhaps counselling for him and if he does it you can work towards forgiveness.

This! People giving his ‘grief’ as an excuse. He should have grieved alone not got into a relationship and now have his grief affect the mother of his child!

She's dead, she's not a threat 🙄 hormones talking.

Grief isn’t finite. He will most likely grieve forever. Does that mean he should be alone forever? You can grieve a lost partner and love a new one at the same time. Just like you can grieve a lost child and still love your other ones. So much ignorance on this thread.

🙄

Some posters are fucking loons. 😂 as if you’d be chill about naming your babies after your partner’s dead girlfriend.

It’s fine to grieve and I understand it’s not linear and can be lifelong. What’s not ok in my opinion is to get into a relationship when you’re clearly so deep in grief that you think it’s a great idea to suggest your new baby is named after your dead beloved. Making your new partner feel insecure.

I suppose what’s evident is some things bother people but not others. What matters is it bothers OP.

Ah, Peach - your posts are so wise and eloquent. Your DP sounds like a real treasure.

I was also widowed when young. It's not hard to tell which posters on here have no idea how that kind of grief actually works.

I think 'some' of the 'OK' posters are saying that they would be understanding and not super mad of their DH's suggestion not that they would actually use her name

She is dead, ain't coming back, you might as well get upset because he had a relationship with her & make him throw away pictures he had of her.

It genuinely wouldn't bother me, its just a name and everyone is named after someone who has died and who was loved.

Having a different pov doesn't make anyone a "loon" only people calling others names look looney!

Errrr no! I think you see it that way because of your own past. I have a past too. We all do and while the past makes us who we are today, I don’t think it’s fair to saddle others with the things we haven’t let go of

Not telling you how to feel but my name is the same as an ex gf of my dads.

He liked the name. It had no more meaning than that.

@peachgreen no idea what name I used when we chatted but I'm also so very pleased to read this. Bittersweet I know as if life was fair you'd have never needed to meet DP, but I'm really pleased you have found some happiness.

Where is that in the OP??

@ArsMamatoria @Ducksurprise Thank you both so much, that’s so lovely of you. I have been very fortunate to meet DP. I will always love and miss DH but DP is his own kind of wonderful. It’s been a privilege to watch him fall in love with DD as it was to watch DH blossom after becoming a father. I’ve been very lucky, despite it all.

OP, I really recommend you seek out some professional help to understand your DP’s situation a bit more. He’s not “saddling” you with his issues. He’s grieving and he probably always will be. If that’s not something you can handle, he’s not the right person for you.

If Camilla and Charles had a kid would Camilla be ok with Diana?

No.

He’s in the wrong

I think maybe the OP's partner might benefit from some professional help.

I mean you can’t actually be jealous of a dead person…

I think maybe the OP's partner might benefit from some professional help.

For merely suggesting a baby name that has meaning for him and not making a fuss about it when OP reacted angrily?

How very dare he

To explore whether he's in a place to be in a romantic relationship with the OP, or if he's still focused on the past.

doesn't seem too crazy an idea to me.

To explore whether he's in a place to be in a romantic relationship with the OP, or if he's still focused on the past.

But is he? Or is OP just insecure that he has one? I think to go from him making this suggestion and having feelings/grieving for someone in his past who has died to needing professional help is a bit of a leap. It could be that OP is jealous of his dead partner and angry with him for still having these feelings (that's my gut feeling but who knows?).

Of course, in general it's a good idea to have some form of counselling to deal with grief and in all probability he already has.

What gives you the impression he’s putting her on a pedestal other than this situation OP (if you don’t mind me asking)? It’s just that you initially said are you think he assumed you wouldn’t remember the name. I would then assume that he doesn’t talk about her much.

Have you always felt this way or is it quite recent? When you look back, is it possible the conversation his sister had with you, made you feel more insecure than you would have otherwise?

I'd be pissed off about it too, OP. I don't think you were wrong for feeling upset about this. Very insensitive of your DP.